A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi agony aunts,i am in a relationship with an 18 year old girl. I am 22. the problem is that her senior prom is coming up, and we can't go together because her school has a stupid age limit, you can't go if you're over 21. so anyway, a guy friend of hers who she's known quite a while asked her to go as friends. the problem is that one, this guy and her dated in the past, it was only a one month relationship and it never got sexual or anything, but he actually told me, (yes I know him too), that he still has feelings for my girlfriend. this is even after knowing that we're together. she doesn't want to give up the prom "experience", but i don't want her going with this particular guy. the fact that he still likes her makes me not trust him. it's not that i don't trust my girlfriend, but i don't trust this guy to take a pee properly let alone spend a romantic evening with my girlfriend at a dance and who the hell knows what afterwards. am I being too controlling or jealous? or am I reasonable with how i feel? I don't want to control my girlfriend but the idea of her at the prom, a very special night and experience, with a guy who likes her, and who wans her, and all that, drives me freaking insane! need some advice, please...thanks
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 PS: People saying there should be no age limit, will be concerned when mums and dad's and baby sister demand to come to the prom as your date. Age limits are there for a reason, a prom is a celebration for young people who have recently finished school, if your 21 you've already had your prom so you shouldn't get another one.
Trying to steal or buy a fake ID is silly, unless you look 18 and act 18 too and assume the adults running the prom are all fools, and nobody knows you and won't say anything about it. It will ruin her prom if they call the police to take you away. I think she'd get too nervous to enjoy the prom if she's watching her back all the time in case the authorities find out.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2012):
What can the guy do? They dance (ok, that makes you uncomfortable), they drink, and they stand in the middle of a hall with I expect hundreds of people. If he grabs her kisses her or whatever, she'll push him over and walk away. And about afterwards, again what is going to happen. He asks her to a hotel room, she says no, they go to a party, again tons of people around. The only way he can make a move if they are going alone in a car. So how about you pick her up afterwards, or join the afterprom events, there is no age limit there. Or she gets a taxi. Don't people get together with their friends and share a limousine. Now we are only talking about a couple of hours with plenty of people around who will all act as a chaperone.
Is it his prom night too? Sorry the guy wants your girlfriend, poor guy must be in so much pain. So he gets to look at her and hold her very lose (he gets too close and again she'll get mad and angry. I know it makes you angry, but your the winner, she's coming home to you, he is just lucky, this one time only, to get her attention because of the restrictive rules.
You'll feel better after when you can hold her and smile at him and know that he is jealous. Give him this couple of hours, he's helping you out, because at least you know him, some strange guy could make your head hurt worse.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 February 2012):
I would just grit my teeth and trust her. It's unfortunate you can't go, but this is the only solution and if she can't ward off a guy's advances during prom she isn't suitable as a gf anyway.
I would tell her that you really hate missing this opportunity but that you know how much she's looking forward to it so you wish her a nice evening even if it can't be with you. And if you can't help yourself, you may even add that she should watch the guy's hands because he has a thing for her, but that you know she can handle herself. Or something like that. Basically show her you don't like her going with the guy, but that you trust her.
And then just let it go. No childish stuff trying to obtain fake ID's and pretending to be of a different age like some suggested. That's stuff I tried when I was 15. You're way past that now.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (23 February 2012):
 It would drive me insane, too. Can't you pretend you're 21?!
She won't appreciate the inappropriacy of this, because she is with you and she only considers him a friend (that is how I would have looked at it at 18). She doesn't see a risk, so she can't see why you should.
Either, find a better 'friend' to take her.
Or, put up with it and don't worry. But tell her first how worried you are. Explain it like you have here. That you don't want to spoil at all the dance for her, but you think he is a sleaze bag and has his eye on her. She should appreciate that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I have nothing to add.. Cindy Cares said it all
they have the age limit for a reason... it's mostly about the legalities of dating under 18 so they just set it across the board.. and under 21 can't buy liquor either...
you don't have to trust others just your gf.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 The suggestions of getting a fake ID are totally irresponsible. Fake IDs are illegfal to possess, manifacture, use or sell, and they can resuot in paying a hefty fine, or even going to jail.
Do you want to get a conviction just to attend a prom ??
If your gf has never given you any reason to mistrust her, don't say anything and let her go. After all, there will be other occasions in future where other men can try to make a move on her- at school, at work, at the church social even. What are you going to do, become her 24 / 7 bodyguard ?
You don't have to trust him, you have to trust HER. If you do, no prob, even if he should try something on her, she'll tell him to back off .
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Please do not get into the fake ID thing, don't ever do anything that could get you into trouble. Is it really worth it to fake an ID just because you don't trust a guy? What about your G/f? Do you not trust her too? Sure you do, right? Then how does it matter what this guy's intentions are?
What you can do is, you can tell her that you have certain reservations against this guy, and that you know for a fact that he still has feelings for her. With that in mind, she should keep the appropriate amount of distance from him and then, its up to her really. Girls are very intuitive and she probably knows that this guy still likes her but it obviously makes no difference to her, because she is with you now, and he is just a friend.
Look OP, you cant really dictate anything to her anyway. Even if you do decide to get a fake ID (which you shouldn't), you'll manage to avoid this one incident which you're uncomfortable with, but what about any other instances which might crop up? You cant keep hovering around her all the time just to keep guys away from her. Ultimately it all boils down to trust. If you trust her, let her go. It will all be fine. No guy can do anything unless she allows him to and if she is your girlfriend and is honest and true to you, then nothing will happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Her prom has age limits? When I was in high school I went to prom with my bf, and he was 24. I had the oldest bf I think. (we've been married 15 years now)
don't worry about it. she's not in love with him, she's in love with the idea of going to the prom that's all. two very different things. She needs to make her intentions clear to him though, or else she would be misleading him and he will feel used.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (23 February 2012):
Get a fake ID and be 21....booom problem solved
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I think your reasonable to feel the way you do, but you got to trust your girlfriend. Doesn't matter if you don't trust the guy, you need to trust in your girlfriends judgement.
But when it comes to your girlfriends judgement.. what is she doing going on a semi-date with someone who still is in love with her? Is she aware? I think maybe she doesn't know, because if she knew she probably wouldn't do this. It's totally respectless to you and to the guy too actually, because it'd be like stringing him along. You don't go on dates or spend alone time with people who you KNOW have feelings for you unless you intend to string them alone.
My advice to you? Tell your girlfriend that this dude isn't strictly friendly towards her in his mind, that he is in love with her. And that because of this, and him being her ex as well, it'd be weird. He be strung along and might get ideas into his head about how far he can push it. He certainly will not get over her if she has close contact with him.
Then let HER decide what to do with it. Knowing how he feels about her though she probably (hopefully) will act different towards him at the prom and be a bit standoffish, even if she still chooses to go with him (may be a bit late to find a new date by now).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): You need to just let her go with him, and then take if from there and see what happens.
Right now, you don't trust her. It's not just that you don't trust him but also you don't trust her. If you did, you wouldn't care about his intentions unless you think he can get violent or something and physically overpower her against her will or secretly slip something in her drink without her knowing (in which case you should speak up for sure).
But if you're sure he wouldn't ever do criminal things to her, you're just concerned about him influencing her emotions romantically, then it's actually a sign that you don't trust her to not fall under his influence. I think what's underminded your trust in her is the very fact that she wants to go to the prom with him!
well I think for now, just clam up and let her go to prom with him and don't say anything. But if you have reason to be concerned after the prom then bring it up because then you'll have something more concrete to talk about rather than a simple mistrust based on paranoia and nothing else. and if nothing happens, which is what we all hope, then it does you well to have let her go to the prom and not made a big deal of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Can you borrow a 18, 19, or 20 year old friend's ID
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): P.S. The age limit rule is silly! We didn't have that at our school, and my best friend at the time went with her boyfriend who was much older, but it was HER LIFE, her parents were happy with everything, so it was great she got to spend her special night, with her true guy.
It's a pity you can't go, you are only 1 year above, it really sucks! Can't she make a special request? ;-) Do you have to show ID? ;-)
We need to make MISSION IMPOSSIBLE - how to get Mr 22 into THE PARTY OF THE YEAR with his girl :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I think you are justified in how you feel, and she should honour your relationship!
Surely there must be lots of other male friends who don't have intentions beyond friendship, that she could go with instead? Anything else is expecting a lot from you, even if you trust her, it's wrong that she is spending an unforgetable night (prom) a romantic night, with SOMEONE ELSE who at this point is someone interested in her, more than as friends!!! Ask her to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, how SHE would feel?
As the others have suggested, let us know what her answer was when you said the other guy likes her "that way"???
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 February 2012):
Well what she could possibly be thinking: she wants to go to prom but is embarrassed to go stag so she's going with him so she doesn't feel awkward not having a date.
Personally, I think she should respect having a boyfriend and wanting to experience prom, she would be considerate and go with some other friends that don't have a date or boyfriends that can't go either. BUT that would be in a perfect world and being in high school, most people care too much about what others think.
I don't think you're being controlling because if you were, then you wouldn't want her to go at all, but you have to realize that you really don't trust your gf either--because if you did, then you would feel that no matter what this other guy tried to pull, she wouldn't go for it. I think this matter would make anyone feel insecure about their relationship and as tennisstar88 asked, did you tell her about what the other guy said and what was her response?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (23 February 2012):
 All schools have an age limit when it comes to prom, usually it's 20.
Did you tell her that he still likes her? What did she say?
It's her prom and he's probably the only other guy that offered to take her, so you really don't have much say in the matter. Just because you're above the age limit, doesn't mean she's going to have to miss her prom. Also, no one wants to go alone.
If you TRUST your GIRLFRIEND then there should be no problem. You don't have to trust her friend. You're neither chums, nor in a relationship. But, you do have to trust your girlfriend if this guy tries to make a pass that she'll shut him down.
If you express to her that you don't like it, then you look like the jealous, controlling boyfriend. It will spark a spat about you not trusting her, and then you'll be a fight around prom giving this ex more amo.
What you can do, is have a word with this friend and tell him to keep his paws above the waistline on your girlfriend. Also if he tries anything with her, you pummel him into the ground.
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