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male
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*iggmachine
writes: Girlfriend's Past and presentI have been with my girlfriend for nearly a year now and I love her more then anything. She is amazing and she loves me so much. The problem is I can't get over her past. I know this is standard. A lot of guys have this problem. She has been with 5 guys(not including me). 4 of those between the age of 16-18. At that period of time she was looking for love and thought she would get it that way. Everyone of those guys left her or cheated on her. Her last guy was with her for 4 years which she was in a committed relationship. She is my first(we are both 23). In a way, from day one, I didn't like her past (I felt like the sleazy guys won, and they did because while people say you got the girl they didn't want the girl, they got what they want), but I never let it bother me too much because it wasn't healthy, and she is not the same girl now. The problem was her last ex. Personally I thought it was healthy that she was still in contact with him and that they broke up in a civil manner and remained friends. But slowly this started problems between us. More and more i noticed he would call 4 times and day and she would go to his house for a few hours one or two times a week. I know she didn't cheat on me but she would stop whatever she was doing(including talking to me) to answer his calls or go to his place. More and more I felt like I was second in her life. When I confronted her with this she said 'Isn't it normal to be like that with a friend?' a sentiment that I agreed to. But more and more she started to get jealous of the fact I had female friends. SHe would say I am humiliating her by going to a bar with friends of 6 years which by chance consist of 5 females and one male (result of the line of work I am in). She even accused me of cheating on her just because I went to the pub. I even pointed out to her that who is more likely to cheat, me who is in a public area with a group of people or you who spends many hours alone with their ex.But her jealousy continued which in turn sparked up my jealousy. She eventually got comfortable with my friends but I never got comfortable with her past or her ex again and after one day she went to her ex's 24th b'day party for 13 hours I became completely broken. After it she joked about how unhappy I looked and how she wants to take a photo and show it to the kids if we ever had them. It was that moment I decided I would never want to marry her or have kids with her. For too long she had put her ex before me and made me feel bad not liking it. I felt that everything I have given her was then handed to her ex. SO I told her this and told her its time she picked and then I proceeded for one day to treat her like she treated me. By the end of the day her tune changed she cut back contact with her ex. But I told her it was too late for that and she had gone too far that it was him or me. She picked me but took her time cutting out her ex(only now a year on is it complete). Because of this whole period of time I am now having so much trouble coping with her past. All 5 guys. I constantly picture her with her ex. I feel like I waited for no reason. That I am being punished. for 7 months I have been so upset and depressed. Even almost ended my life on various occasions. I am seeking help for it now, bnut government help is hard to come by and the counselling is limited. The thing is I love her so much and she loves me. The only obsticle now is my fault, And that my problem with her past. She is there for me and understands why I am like this. She also blames herself for my depression which I don't think is true, she mearly broke down the walls that blocked this depression.I don't know what to do. How can I get over her past when it has now consumed my life so much? I have even considered cheating on her, evening the score but I refuse to do it because I will not be like those other guys. Please help. I want this cycle to end
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broke up, depressed, her ex, her past, jealous, period, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006):
Unsaid feelings and switch of priorities is normal thing in every day life. Sometime things that we have known for a while suddenly become more important then the things we think we so care for. It is hard to believe, so let the situation to explore you. After all said and done truth is one that is hard to confirm. My best advise is ask if she wants to be with you then thank her because there is no power in the world that will make her be with you but her. Tell her how you feel but don’t try to win. Relationships are not about been right it is about one thing compromise. See if woman just feels you are just a nice guy, engine of love becomes engine of sympathy and simply it just a safer place for her avoid it. Love and friendship have a lot of difference.
A
female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (20 September 2005):
It doesn't sound like either of you are ready for a mature, committed relationship. Do yourself and her a favor and agree to back down from your current status and give it two or three weeks, then reassess. If you find that you are relieved and have enjoyed the time apart then follow through with that. However, if you find you have a new appreciation for each other, then make a true committment to let the past stay in the past and follow through to the word. Good luck.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (20 September 2005):
 You both are having a very unhealthy relationship together. Trust me, Ive been there myself. What was most difficult for me was the fact that I had to always keep up to par with the mind games. Don't you think these mind games you guys are playing just stresses the relationship out? You dont have to stoop to her level and get even with her. If you ever resort to doing that I dont even see the point of you guys being together because the resentment will be too great!! Yes, what you're doing is right in the sense that you're getting help for your depression but what you also need to do is to tell yourself that you need to get over the fact that she had other bfs before. Honestly, I dont really see the problem here as those were her exes and she has already chosen you over him anyway. If you still cant get your head around this, I suggest you leave!! Sometimes leaving does more good than harm!! But whatever you choose, make sure you stick by it and give it a 100%. Never let a ray of doubt slip in!!
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (20 September 2005):
Leave her, relationships are built on trust and you obviously both dont trust each other!!
I know you have a soft spot, its very sweet you being so considerate but You cant change the past...
and well simply she would rather be with her ex (however bad she was treated) then being with you. I think thats a hint, also the accusing you of cheating so suddenly after she cheated on you, she felt guilty for what she done and when she tried to fight it and be faithful she saw you with females friends and then got jealous, this a reverse involuntary physcology thing..go see any expert and they will confirm it (however probably give a proper name for it) - A flaw in the human mind, she cheated on you, well i guess you guessed that with the 13 hours thing.
The last 'girl' (very immature woman) who i saw, had these massive mood swings, one moment she was luvin mood the next she would be very abusive, i put up with it, because part from that she was a very good person deep down and she was very good around children (when she babysits)...but one day she had a mood swing over almost nout, simple misunderstanding about something very small, on anniversary of her dads death and she said "I hate you more then my dads killer" - now thats probably one of the worse things someone has ever said to me, thats reli hurts wen sum1 u love says dat 2 ya. After all the abuse, that was the end, i havn't spoke or seen her since...
How can you be with someone who you see her ex in?? You said you dont want children or to marry her, so why you wasting your time??? The relationship is going no where!
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