A
female
age
30-35,
*he_Girl_Least_Likely_To
writes:Am in emotional turmoil. Please don't pass moral judgment on me because I know that I will seem wrong. I lost my virginity the other day to my married former teacher. We have the most intense, intimate, amazing friendship I know I will ever experience, and I am totally besotted.I adore him, and our relationship has never been seedy, he's my best friend and now he is a truly amazing lover; losing my virginity to him was the most perfect, wonderful thing I've ever experienced; i felt i could have just died happily in his arms. I know you could put the label 'affair' on what we are now doing; and yes, i know that he is married and I understandably look like a bad person. But I can't help the way that i feel and it just seemed totally natural for our friendship to take that turn.Now I am in complete emotional hell because I know that by us doing this I have probably consigned myself to the fact that one day i am going to lose him. I have not eaten for about 3 days, and Im getting by on 2 hours sleep. He's all I can think about and im so terrified of losing him, because I just don't know when its going to be. I dont know how I will survive without him, he is everything to me. I panic when I don't hear from him incase he's been found out and i will never see him again when I feel like we have so much to go through together.Just to add to this, my other best friend who has been there for me as my feelings have developed for this man and all the pain that that has involved, has just poured her heart out to me about a period of time a few years back when I, amongst other people,fell out with her and the fact that she self-harmed (i was not previously aware) then, and was near suicidal because she felt like she was to blame.I can't stand to think that I caused this, and I feel guilty, like a guilty horrible person who would just be better off dead. I can't change the past but i feel like she probably blames me (perhaps rightly) for falling out with her, and I feel bad on my lovers wife, yet at the same time I hate her because i know that it is she who has him, i know that she had him first and I can never hope to take her place; and probably wouldn't want to for the extra pain that would cause her.I just wish i was somebody else. I don't know how to deal with an 'affair' with someone who means so much to me at such a young age (im 18). I'm not strong enough, im scared that it's got this far and im scared for the future.I'm leaving for uni soon and i don't know how to cope, what to do.
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affair, best friend, lost my virginity, my teacher, period Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (14 August 2009):
 Well at least your virginity was not wasted. To answer your question, its a realistic probability that your relationship has already ended as you foretold in the question.
The fact of the matter is that teachers should refrain from entering into sexual relations with students or former students.
On the other hand, I can see the attraction. Its just he's not for you and you apparently know that. Some people are perfectly secure in having gratifying sex without emotional attachment. Unfortunately you are not one of those people.
However, based on your question and the obvious candor you have put into it, I would say that some lucky man, someday, will have a very nice and sensitive woman to love and be loved by.
I think you should focus on moving past what is obviously a dead-end relationship. The professor is probably happy he has notched another mark on his bedpost, grateful for the memories and probably thankful you have not discovered any of his prior conquests.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): I am absolutely in an outrage! Some of you posters have been utterly rude and immature! How dare you post responses which are not fully dedicated to helping the questioner. It is selfish of you and morally wrong. This woman has asked for help and comfort - you may not believe this but an affair can happen to anyone who doesn't have just enough will power to control it, and I'd say that is a great deal many of you!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 August 2009):
 Your life is only in ruins if you allow it to be. This guy may not be one you're going to end up with, but you have a memorable experience that a very very small percentage of girls can claim. That is having a good first time sexual experience. You're looking at the negative that's coming from this. Although the situation could have been different, I don't personally know to many girls that wouldn't trade their first experience with yours.
What you had with him is a chapter in your life. When you meet someone else and fall in love that creates a new chapter, and doesn't discount the fact that you've been in love before.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 August 2009):
 Pompeii springs to mind....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): well Eyes, three guesses how this "love affair" will pan out.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 August 2009):
I wonder how hie wife will feel about her life when she finds out about your little "trysts".
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female
reader, The_Girl_Least_Likely_To +, writes (10 August 2009):
The_Girl_Least_Likely_To is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy life is in ruins. Whether I've caused it myself is irrelevant to me at this moment. I've got the rest of my life to consider that. I think I have every right to act like a 'drama queen' (please define).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): as i said, you are acting like a drama queen and do not want to fact facts. sorry that you took offence.
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female
reader, The_Girl_Least_Likely_To +, writes (10 August 2009):
The_Girl_Least_Likely_To is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry but I think your responses are totally unhelpful and uncalled for. Have you actually read anything I've written? Yes I know I look like a homewrecker etc. I have already said this. i do not need you to point that out. My original question was how do I deal with this, how do I look forward to the rest of my life at uni etc. I don't need to be insulted by a stranger over the net. It's not helpful for me; I wasn't asking for his wife's point of view, therefore I would prefer it if you didn't answer my question if you are merely going to be unhelpful.
Have you never been in love? Have you never felt like you couldn't live without someone? You must be made of stronger stuff than my weak flesh at any rate. A saint of some sort.
I just wanted some helpful, unjudgmental advice and you have come here and basically just ranted at me. Yes I have been given some excellent advice but certainly not by you, you have completely misread all I've written obviously, going so far as to blindly accuse me of throwing away my virginity! All in all, your attitude is very unhelpful, unpleasant and very patronising.
Do not assume that i have not got dignity and pride when you do not know me thankyou.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): sorry , forgot to add. perhaps you should introduce this married man to this site. maybe he could even post to get some insight into this affair. it would be interesting to see what he thinks of all the responses. would throw some light into your situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): well originalposter then you deserve what you tolerate and what you have become. you are the homewrecker, please do not mistake this. you are seeing your affair with this married man as a fairy tale and fantasy land. why are you feeling guilty- do you even know the meaning of this word. i do not pity his wife , i actually pity you. you see this adiulterer through rose tinted glasses. the only pain and deception and tormoil being vreated is all by yourself. but don't worry you will learn the hard way. you have a predestined life ahead of you. it is a pity that you have chosen this path at such an early age. as for his wife, i hope she kicks his ass out of her life. she deserves so much better, wouldn't you agree. in that way you can have the adulterer who would do it to you as well. when children play with adult lives, expect reality to set in fast. sadly the only time you will learn is when your life is totally destroyed. you have been given excellent advice by all here. you choose not to take it so only you have yourself to blame. i hope one day, when it is not too late to salvage some dignity and pride and some morals you will be able to see the errors of your ways. you act like a drama queen about this situation. as i said drama only created by you. good luck for the future.
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female
reader, The_Girl_Least_Likely_To +, writes (8 August 2009):
The_Girl_Least_Likely_To is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWith all due respect to the previous anonymous poster i don't think I have thrown my virginity away at all! When I think of the experiences some of my mates had; sleeping with people drunkenly in clubs, losing it because they felt under pressure to do it at a young age, it makes my first time seem all the more special. And i certainly don't think he is a paedophile, I am 18. He has never promised me the world, I'm very clear about circumstances.
I can't really answer to people saying I am a homewrecker etc because I know that you could label me as that. I'm not the sort of girl who would do that sort of thing; if I didnt have the emotional connection with him I would not have gone near him in a million years. But I must stress I dont feel that Ive been used, and I think I know him well enough to know he's never done anything like this before; even his actions now make that obvious enough, for example he doesn't even know what to say to her when he comes to me. I'm not seeing a fairytale I'm seeing real pain and deception and it's terrible. But I really don't think I can get over him, and I know I sound pathetic and stupid but I dont feel like I can live without him. I have tried so hard, Ive stayed away from him, Ive gone out with other lads, Ive even been horrible to him to try and put a gap in between us but I love him and I cant overcome that.
I know it may seem a sad situation, tragic even and I am already hurting beyond belief thinking about him with her, but I do have a sort of faith in him and how he makes me feel because when I'm with him I feel incredible.
I don't know what is going to become of me, I will probably end up an absolute wreck. To the 16 year old girl, I feel your pain but even I would advise you to think before you sleep with him because now I feel even closer to him than i did and it has made things just that bit harder.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): the sad thing here is these girls do not realise that their teachers are using and abusing them. the very people who have a duty to respect and protect their students are the very ones sexually manipulating these kids. it is even sadder taht these girls do not realise that they are becoming homewreckers at such a young age. having affairs with married men at a young age just sets the scene as damaged adults. what is also sad is that these girls just throw their virginity away by sleeping with their teachers. years later there will be so much of regret. these teachers are like peadophiles. they promise these kids the worls and make them feel special. the girls think that they are the only ones sleeping with their teachers, but in reality the teachers are sampling the goods with other girls at the same time as well as their wives. to the 16 year old going through the similar crises, please note it is not too late. please do not become the homewrecker you are almost becoming. look at your actions. how would you feel if someone destroyed your home. please you still have time to reconsider sleeping with your teacher. please do not be a fool. if you feel gulity about his wife and you know you are in the wrong,, then you are not powerless to stop. my words may not impact you right now. you have a choice and please choose wisely.
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female
reader, tamika1983 +, writes (8 August 2009):
It's never a good idea to put yourself in a relationship where the other person is already in a relationship especially if it is something as sacred as marriage. When u do this your allowing your heart to be crushed everytime you share a intimate momement with this person knowing that he's going home to his wife. I'm not judging cause everyone makes mistakes thinking they can just go into it and no feelings will get attached but that's not always the case. Your teacher is not helping the situation either he should have never crossed that line with u. If he's not happy then he needs to leave his wife so that y'all can have more of what your heart now desperately needs. If he's happy then he needs to stop stringing u along and just let u be so u can find someone else who can make u feel the way he does without the stress of knowing he's going home to someone else. I hope u don't get hurt and he doesn't loose his job. This can make or break the both of u so please be careful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): im going through the same thing currently. except i havnt slept with him yet and im only 16. he is my life and he has been for the last three years. i dont know how we are getting away with it. i know how you feel exactly when you talk about his wife. and how hes your whole life. you cant just stop loving him, it doesnt work like that. it so hard. so frigging hard. a couple of days ago i nearly had sex with him... and i stopped myself. im still a virgin.. and i was worried if i slept with him i really would never be able to let go of him when i needed to..i feel so guilty about his wife.. but i cant stop. hes like a drug, a addiction. i cannot function without him. he is 95% of my life and without him in my life i dont know if i would even exsist anymore..Good luck.. in whatever you decide to do. i really feel for you. xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): i know that you are very emotional right now but nobody is forcing you to have sex with this married man. you know this is wrong yet you continue. i want to feel sorry for you but will this help in any way. you have made an adult decision, and you knew the consequences of it. just like how you are "suffering" righ now, imagine what you are doing to this mans wife. you are deluding yourself if you think you mean anything to this man. married man operate in the manner he has been operating with you, and you fell for it. if you know it is wrong then, STOP. simple. you have the drama , the edge, the emotional obsession - well he just continues with his life with his wife 9and maybe kids).the only person who is going through this emotion crises is you. so how about deciding to stop your affair. you are not so young and not so naive as you would like to believe. you know exactly what your affair is all about, so as with any other adult, you need to realise that your actions have consequences and that you need to move on, for yourself and for his wife and family. you are the intruder in his marriage so please end your affair. yes, you need to end it if you want some self respect.please do not say yo cannot, maybe you just do not want to. i think you are looking at your affair with rose tinted glasses and seeing a fairytale. this affair is not a fairytale, it is harming both you and this mans wife. you are justtifying your affair and this needs to stop. if you want to move on from this affair, you need to look at your life CRITICALLY. and then ask yourself hard, harsh questions. and then you need to make decisions that will hurt but those decisions will be the right one. have you asked yourself how many other girls virginity has this married teacher taken. you may not want to hear this but i am sure he used the same modus operandi with other girls as well. you were not his first affair and you will not be his last. it is harsh but it is the truth.so mourn the loss of his relationship but please move on. go to university and forget that this man is yours because honey, he is not. he belongs to his wife and you know this. if he really wnated to spend the rest of his life with you he would have ended his marriage. but he choose not to. you see he had you on one side and he also has his wife. whatever he may have told you about he state of his marriage, i can only assume that it was false. after all he is still married, isn't he??i am not telling you airy fairy things but i am trying to open your eyes to the true reality of this affair. it can destroy you only if you let it. please dothe right thing and let this married man be- he is not yours, he belongs in his marriage. the sooner you realise this, the sooner you can start the healing process. i think you have learn such a harsh lesson early on in your life- married man just ain't worth it. its the same old, same old story with them and they just leave pain and devastation. what is more sad is that they prey on shoolgirls. i think you are lucky, you realise that this is going no where. so many others have not been so lucky.what can you take from this affair- experience, some memories and some thngs o steer clear from. as you live your life, you would make better decisions and learn from your experiences. just like how you do not want ot experience pain, you should not make another person got though such pain as well. so spare a though for his wife, for you and then and move on. life is what you make of it and i think you can turn this around if you want it. please stop having sex with him. what is concerning is that you had unprotected sex, how do you know hat he was safe? i think you need to have a check up , just to make sure. good luck and sorry to be harsh. i think you needed it or else you will wallow in self pity. so please force a smile, and make wise adult decisions.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 August 2009):
Who said anything about forgetting? You still need to live your life. Don't allow yourself to be disabled because of this love. He's a good friend, although this choice may not have been, but truthfully, what would he want for you? I don't think he'd want your life put on hold while you're depressed and love sick. He'd want for you to accomplish your dreams. When you talk about regret, guilt etc. If you didn't and if he knew it was because of your feelings for him, he'd hold guilt for you not doing it.
You will go to uni with an experience that you treasure. Life is made up of experiences, some good, some not so good, and this experience can help you through difficult times. When your feeling lonely just lay back and replay your experience. That's something you'll always have, and treasure.
I read my daughter your first time experience and asked her how often she hears that from people she knows. Her answer was "uh never." Take this experience as it is without regret and put yourself in his shoes. What would you want for you, then follow it.
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female
reader, Felisha Marie +, writes (2 August 2009):
 There is something you can do about your dearest friend, patch up the past to make the stiching of your future stronger. And if you are so head-on about you and your affair with this married man, then you need to tell him to tell his wife and make a decision. It seems as if you already know what he'll say so you're searching for answers else where, but really the only place you'll have to look is his eyes when he tells you his answer. Find out, then move on with your life either with hjim, or with out. But his character shows that you may not be the only one in his life if he can't even be honest with you or his wife. In any sense, hold your head high and become the strong independant women you wish to be and go forth to uni and achieve your goals and dreams.
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female
reader, The_Girl_Least_Likely_To +, writes (2 August 2009):
The_Girl_Least_Likely_To is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice. I can't just go to uni and forget about him, he is my life. I just love him so intensely, I even cried when I took the morning after pill the other day although i do not want a child at this time in my life. I don't know what i'm going to do because I can't see a way of getting over him.I know that I probably come across as naive and young; I don't know how to express what I feel but I just look at him and I instinctively know that he is the one for me. I know that there is a chance he is just using me for sex, I've considered that but then I think that if he had wanted that he could have done it ages ago and he probably knew that that was the case. But he didn't, we just sat talking for hours and hours about anything and everything - sometimes we didn't even have to talk just to be in each others company was enough. As for my friend, I think that i will always feel guilty now, because I was the first person to fall out with her and that turned everyone else against her whilst she was dealing with a death in the family, and she is such a special person she didn't deserve to be so alone and unhappy. But I have realised there is nothing I can do to help, so Im just going to resolve to cherish her even more in the future.thankyou for not judging me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): Your friend self harming wasn't your fault. Please don't think you would be better off dead. You have your life ahead of you.
You have alot of mixed emotions and that's to be expected.
I hope you two can work it out together.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 August 2009):
"losing my virginity to him was the most perfect, wonderful thing I've ever experienced; i felt i could have just died happily in his arms." This is different than what we often hear. Although, having an affair is wrong, you can actually treasure your first time, when so many others regret theirs.
With him being married, you understand you wen where you should not have, and developed these strong emotions for someone you know you can't have. You can't change the past or the facts of this circumstance, but what you'll always have is the memories. This no one can take away from you.
Don't say you'll never feel like this again. You don't know who you might find, and fall in love with. Life takes turns you may not expect. Some of them you'd rather not be in, but others you won't know how you went so long without it. As far as your friend. She had a difficult time, and you're not to blame for that difficulty. Lucky she's doing better, and it's good that you two were able to have the talk you had.
Go to uni, and start living life. Take care.
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female
reader, Felisha Marie +, writes (1 August 2009):
You are so, so young, you do not yet know or can even fathom what lies ahead of you. None of us do. I realize that what you think you may have with this man is something you see as special, but let me break it down for you from personal experience. He is a: married man, person of trust, a full grown adult who knows: what the result of affairs are if caught and that it's wrong, to not cross the boundary when in a position of trust, and knows that with things going on in your life, you're at a fragile state and should let you blossom into the woman you will soon achieve to be. And if it is as special as you see it being, if he cares as much as you think, tell him you fear of losing him and he needs to tell his wife, she has every right to know, and he needs to make a decision, you or her. Has the thought ever crossed your mind he might jusy be telling you what you want to hear to get what he wants? Taking advantage of you? Because on the outer shell that's what it appears to be. Ending this will hurt, I have no doubt it will, but the long term result will be much healthier for you, and your friendship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): Sweetheart, this is tough, I really feel for you. What a load of mixed emotions you are feeling... Firstly you are not to blame for your friend self harming, everyone has there own mind,just try talking it over with her, im sure she does not blame you either. As for your 'affair' you have fallen in love, and love can be painfull. I cant say what will come of this relationship, but if he truly loves you as much as you love him then maybe things can move forward for you two. He obviously cannot think that much of his wife if he is seeing you. Your still young, you would not be better of dead, you have a whole life ahead of you... so please dont think like that. Having someone else will not make this go away either. Try to stay strong, focus on yourself, talk to this man tell him how you feel and say that you need to know where you stand in his life..Things will get better. Pls stay in touch o.k.Ali x
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