A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I'm at my wit's end, I don't know where else to go.I have a very strange issue of sibling rivalry that is not exactly sibling rivalry. I'll try to explain as succinctly as possible [warning: LONG]I live in a household where intelligence and marks are a very high priority. Top Marks=good. Listening to parents without question=good. University=MUST. Also, university= prep for a high paying job, not for learning.As a kid, I was groomed to be the 'best' in everything, music being one of them. Lessons were expensive, though, and I'd get the daily guilt trip lecture on how I should appreciate how much money it costs. Subsequently I grew up thinking that one day I am going to pay back everything I owe to my parents as soon as possible.Fast forward to the present. I'm nearly graduating university. I'm really happy with my major, my parents not so much- it was NOT their idea. I pay for my own schooling, transport costs, and books, and juggle two jobs in and out of the year. There is not a summer where I don't work, but I happen to love the jobs because they're relevant to my major and it is loads of fun.Basically, I pay for everything associated with me so that my parents don't have to.Unfortunately, I'm facing a losing battle, as I have a very intelligent brother. Remember, in my house, intelligence=good.My brother is younger, but his marks have always been consistently good without him trying [highschool was a messed up time for me, honesty upfront]. He's going into university this fall.Unlike, myself, who worked like crazy the summer before I started, and paid for everything, he is currently on a trip out of the country on a fun conference, courtesy of my parents.Meanwhile, I am stuck in the country, doing extra music courses, and then going straight to work. I'm basically out 12 hours a day. Oh, and I pay for those music courses.To say I am at my wit's end is an understatement. To say I'm jealous is an understatement.My brother has a history of being the first to be able to do things even though I am the oldest. He gets to go on trips, gets electronics, etc, that I never got when I was younger, and still don't. My parents explained that when I was younger they didn't have money. Okay, so understandable. But I'm still upset about the trip now.Finally I decided to bring it up and express that I'm feeling upset that my brother gets to go and I had to stay home and study and go to work.Unfortunately our family as a whole is not exactly what you call effective communicators. It turned into a full blown yelling match, and quickly. The argument itself would be too long to explain, so I'll sum it up via conclusions:-They think that of the two of us, I actually need MORE taking care of than my brother, because of my erratic 'sleeping patterns' and the fact that I don't eat their food [with work so early to late, I generally eat out, but I do eat properly]-They think I whine too much and that I'm not giving my brother a chance and both of us are different-They say that my brother will 'eventually' get a job and pay for school, but now is not the time.-They are appalled that their guilt-tripping when I was a kid has made me assume that I should pay them back and money is everything and would I shut up-They think I'm being immature, and that I should not complain so muchAs a consequence, after this fight not only do both of my parents think that I'm "sick" and that my head and reasoning is "twisted", my father has declared that he doesn't want anything more to do with me. On top of this he has declared that as soon as my brother gets back into the country he is getting whatever he wants, whenever he wants it...as a way of teaching me a lesson, I guess.Call this a case of sibling rivalry or jealousy, but the funny thing is, my brother and I actually get along very well. We always hang out and talk everyday. I have more of a problem of my parents enabling him to do nothing than I have a problem with him. After all, they allow him to get away with this stuff.In essence, here is what the total scores are:Me: worked ass off all summer, studied all summer, paying for own schooling in the fall.Brother: Didn't work all summer, is on a paid trip out of the country, is getttng first year paid by my parents.Oh, and also is currently right now, better in my parent's eyes.So I'm asking for advise- what to I do? Essentially my parents think I'm a twisted monster now. All comments welcome, criticisms, anything.Thanks for reading this crazy story.
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female
reader, Sweetgal2  +, writes (2 August 2009):
Things are kind of simular in my house.
I was able to cook by the time i was 15, my sister is 19 and still can't.
I asked for money i was told to use my own cash which at the time i was living off of 185 pound Education and Maintenance Allowance.
My family told my sister i failed my exams at school which is untrue, i passed all 8 of them.
I have came to the conclusion first child is a practise child and second is always treated differently.
If my sister asks for something she gets it. She even tries to blame me for things she has done even when i'm not in the house.
It's good you are supporting yourself by working and stuff.
I hope everything works out for you.
A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (2 August 2009):
 Families are crazy, huh! Intelligence and perfect (not just high) marks are paramount in my mother's eyes. What I've learnt is that until you can support yourself (ie: detach yourself from your family, move out etc) you have to play by their rules. However! You need to also make choices to secure the future YOU want, because ultimately they aren't going to be around forever.
While it's unfair that your brother gets everything free, I think you've learnt the value of hard work which is priceless.
You can't pick the family you are born into, but you can choose your future so don't let them dictate that too. Hold in there for your final year, grin and bear it, then enjoy the sweet relief and pleasure of living independently.
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A
male
reader, LoveDocBruce  +, writes (2 August 2009):
 Uhm I got a plan. I'm formulating it right now. If you and you're bro are tight, then have him work on this with you. Just for an example, if you want a new phone, have your brother ask your parents for it, saying he wants it. Then have him give it to you. Use their system of giving your bro everything against them.
They will soon realize this, and realize that your brother is on your side, and that maybe they notice they do give your bro everything.
And if they are appalled that you are supposed to pay them back, then don't pay them back.
And the fact that you are working so hard to keep afloat just means that you will have more work experience under your belt, more discipline, more motivation to strive, you will be better at everything you do from now on because of your work experience.
Your brother may find it harder to get a good job because he doesn't have the work experience.
Have you thought about it like that before?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): Thanks for the support guys.
I was actually pretty angry when I was typing out my story. My parents are evil or inhuman, I just think sometimes they are misguided, but unfortunately a Confucius upbringing makes them assume that they are always right, as the elders.
Still, I'm not sure how much more of this I can actually handle.
Rifraf, you bring up an excellent idea. My plan is to also move out after graduating, to be closer to work.
My last year is going to be a doozy, but I need to concentrate on my studies, not a moving process.
Here's hoping I survive this madhouse haha
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A
female
reader, kerry169 +, writes (2 August 2009):
 wow that is a crazy story the kinda same thing happened when i was younger.
my older sis got everything while i did get stuff she got loads more bought by my mum and dad she got away with everything while i HAD to learn from her mistakes...
i really dont no what to tell u love...
some people never change and theres no point trying to get them to!
personaly i think ur mum and dad r the twisted ones. you dont need them if they are going to be like that after all you are doing so well for urslef and has most likely growen you up because off this.
o and another thing its not jealously and i am glad to hear you dont take your mum and dads childish behaviour out on your brother!
i duno weather this will help but i had to say you should be proud of yourslef for this =]
xxx
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A
male
reader, urbanking99 +, writes (1 August 2009):
Life your own life - no one else's. Do what makes you happy. You are inspiration to others especially those who get everything handed to them on a plate.
Life is hard and Life is tough but Life is also WHAT YOU MAKE IT.
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