A
female
age
30-35,
*oftsyrup
writes:Do you think that kissing is cheating? When I was with my ex, I would have firmly said no - I really didn't think kisses meant that much and weren't personal, I kissed other people and he did too, it was never sober or with the same person more than once.Now I'm with my someone else and I would say kissing definitely IS cheating. I couldn't bare the thought of him kissing another girl and I wouldn't dream of kissing another guy.Is it because I'm less secure in this relationship? Or is it because I didn't give a crap about my ex? I can't quite figure out which one it is...What do other people class as cheating?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 December 2013):
 When my ex husband and I were swingers (meaning we had sex with others in an open marriage) we had ONE rule that was NOT to be broken... NO KISSING on the lips....
Kissing is the MOST intimate thing you can do with a partner.
yes Kissing is cheating.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): OP, did you forget these remarks in your post?
"I couldn't bare the thought of him kissing another girl and I wouldn't dream of kissing another guy."
"Is it because I'm less secure in this relationship? Or is it because I didn't give a crap about my ex? I can't quite figure out which one it is..."
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (24 December 2013):
A peck on the cheek is ok but a snog would be cheating in my book.There's a lot of emotion going backwards and forwards when snogging.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 December 2013):
My general rule on 'cheating' is this - if you did something, whether it be go for a coffee, kiss, have sex or whatever, would you immediately go home and happily admit it to your partner, and would they be happy with it? If the answer to both those is 'no', then it's probably cheating, either emotionally or physically.
In the specific case of kissing, I would say that it's cheating.
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant +, writes (23 December 2013):
Kissing is a display of affection; you kiss your family, close friends and your spouse. Making out (kissing with involvement of tongue) definitely is only something that one should do with their spouse imo and therefore would be classified as cheating if done with someone other than your bf/husband, in my books.
If you canot bear your bf kissing another woman, I wouldn't say it's insecurity. It's just you being "possessive" (for lack of better words) over someone who is meant to be with you and you alone, because you're in a relatioship with him. Expecting faithfulness from your bf/husband is not a sign of insecurity, but a sign that you actually care about your relationship with him.
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female
reader, softsyrup +, writes (23 December 2013):
softsyrup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA few things to clarify...
I meant passionate kissing, as in with tongues.
WiseOwlE, I think the title is misleading... I was just interested people's opinions, I'm not overcome by jealousy over an imaginary event. I am not worried about my boyfriend kissing someone else. But in the very unlikely scenario where he did, I would consider it cheating... And I WOULDN'T have with the last person I was seeing.
I was just interested what other people consider cheating, as my boundaries have changed from my previous relationship and my current one.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 December 2013):
I personally do think kissing another person is cheating (on the lips that isn't a family member). Some people don't think kissing is cheating.
As far as why it bothers you now and not before....could be your relationship is different, you've matured, or your point-of-view has just changed. I don't think it would be an issue of being insecure with yourself because kissing is kind of an intimate act you do with someone else. If it's extreme like looking at someone else or even fantasizing about someone else that's being considered cheating, then yeah, that's kind of an insecurity issue in my opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2013): A passionate kiss, usually french-kissing, is cheating. It is a prelude to sex. It lets the recipient of the kiss know you are hot and sexually attracted to them. Even if you didn't let it go any further than that.
It is forgivable; because you can recover from a slip in judgement. You have weighed the consequences it would have on a relationship. It can easily be forgotten; because you can do it fully clothed. It is often an impulsive reflex, due to the loss of inhibitions under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Or a wave of emotion brought on by grief or significant feelings of vulnerability. A human response.
You can't stop people from feeling physically attracted
to other people; because they have you. Nature has you beat on this one.
This is one of the most common unrealistic notions that can possibly be conceived in an adult mind. Why the heck do people take vows? It's a pledge that you will not "act" on your sexual impulses. Not that you will not "feel" them!
You lose interest in other people; when you are content with the person you love. Other people can still be sexually attractive and stimulate sexual arousal. That's why so many industries profit from these human impulses.
You can kiss a relative; which makes it less of a threat. A kiss on the cheek, a peck on the lips, has no sexual context. Men kiss other men, usually on the cheek. I think kissing on the lips might send another message; if it's not cultural tradition. If you're comfortable with your manhood and sexual orientation, a kiss anywhere on the face, means only that guy means the world to you. That's all. I want to cover that ground; before it ever becomes another of your concerns.
Jealousy and possessiveness are real insecurities. They can be easily blown out of proportion; and become a real source of friction in a relationship.
It is a matter of self-control and maturity when you keep the compulsion to "clamp" your feelings of insecurity into an innocent partner. Turning innocent acts into betrayal is taking it a bit far. Cheating is a violation of trust. That is what betrayal is about.
Getting upset over a "thought" of someone doing something they haven't done, is irrational. Getting upset as an afterthought is looney. Getting upset and showing bazaar behavior over something long past, means you deserve to be dumped; because you're losing it. It's a sign of worse things to come. Get a grip on it!
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female
reader, Nik9 +, writes (23 December 2013):
I consider kissing cheating IF you are in a relationship where either ONE: the two of you have NOT yet established what "cheating" means in regards to your specific relationship or TWO: You kiss another person despite knowing your significant other would NOT be okay with it.
Then of course things get even more complicated because my current bf of 4 years made out with another girl 2 years ago. I DO consider what he did cheating BUT it was the unique circumstances under which he cheated that I was able to forgive and move on. First, he had recently moved hundreds of miles away for college & we missed each other like crazy. He went out with some new friends he had made and got way too drunk one night when he was already depressed over missing me. A slutty girl who had a bad rep took advantage of his drunken, sad state and they made out. He immediately called and told me what he had done and that he knew he messed up. I really appreciated his honesty and that he didn't try to hide it. I broke up with him for 2 weeks, but he convinced me to take him back after calling me every day & leaving "I know I messed up"-type voicemails & texts. I asked him to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases, which he did, and then we got back together. He hasn't been unfaithful since. So in certain situations, I do think it can be dismissed.
As for your other questions: I believe your relationship with your last bf was simply DIFFERENT than the one you're in now. I don't doubt you loved your ex, but you two were still learning and sexually exploring with others. You have learned about what you want and you want this new guy. He is special to you and you don't want to share, but rather want to be exclusive. Makes sense; normal human behavior.
Good luck with your new relationship!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2013): Just my opinion, I think it is a sign of your becoming more mature, and/or re-evaluating your own thoughts and opinions on relationships. I would definitely consider it cheating if someone kisses someone else, even if it's just a "mistake" or even if it's "just kissing." There doesn't have to be sex involved for it to count as unfaithfulness/cheating. There are also emotional affairs and "proxy cheating," and kissing could be involved in either scenario. So yes, it's just wrong to kiss another person. But these are all just my opinions. Albeit, I'm a little jaded since I had been cheated on so a lot of my opinions are based on that. It's perfectly NORMAL to not want to even think about your boyfriend kissing someone else. And, I think most people would absolutely feel that way about their significant other/spouse.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 December 2013):
 Most people I know in a monogamous relationship think kissing is cheating, it's certainly the more typical view but definitely not the only right one. Personally I find that the more I love someone the more conservatively I draw the cheating line.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (23 December 2013):
 I dont think there is a right or wrong answer to this question because people have different ones. For me, it depends on the type of kissing, a peck on the cheek can not be considered cheating because its a friendly thing. It's where lips are involved I start to draw the line, lip to lip with no tounge for me is a grey area, I wouldnt feel comfortable doing it with anybody other than my partner and wouldnt be entirely comfortable with her doing it but I may hold back on calling her an out and out cheat for it depending on context. Any tounge involvement however for me is a definite no-no. Basically, the more it moves from being friendly affection into an increasingly sexual zone the less ok I am with it.
That's where I stand. My partner is aware of that as I am aware of her views on the same and thats what is important. Its important you communicate and both know where the others 'red lines' are - that way nobody gets hurt (hopefully) and nobody can claim ignorance as a defence. I wouldnt worry too much about what these different standards mean - fact is, could mean either of the things you think it does or both - if your more invested in this guy then you probably will feel less secure - either way it isnt really relevant in this case, what is relevant is the here and now. Good luck :)
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