A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:If you get confused about the situation, please ask me to clarify. I need as many opinions as I can get.My boyfriend's aunt never met me before, so she told him to invite me over to her house for the super bowl. When we went to her house, they were all smoking cigarettes. I am a non smoker and cigarette smoke really bothers me alot. I told my boyfriend that the cigarette smoke was really bothering me, he asked was I ready to leave. When he asked was I ready to leave I said no. (He didn't know this, but I noticed that his aunt heard him ask me was I ready to leave and I didn't want her to think that I was stuck up and not like me or anything.. thats why I said no). I just kinda covered my nose and tried to cover the smell. But then like 3 people simultaneously started smoking and I really couldn't take it anymore. So I stepped into the hallway where I could still see the television but I wasn't directly around the smoke so it wasn't as bad. I got mad at my boyfriend because he never let anyone know that it bothered me.. And then, he never came out to check on me when I was in the hallway. I feel like he didn't come out to check on me because he was trying to act different in front of his cousins. Normally, in a situation like that.. he would have came out to bring me a chair and sit out there with me because we could still see the TV very clearly but he didn't. His female cousin didn't know why I was standing in the hall way.. so she turned to him and told him "Your girlfriend is standing in the hallway?" He looked out, and shrugged his shoulders and said "Oh". He then walked out of the room about 5 minutes later to go into the kitchen. He walked right past me and didn't say ANYTHING. I wish I could explain the kind of guy he normally is, but I felt that it was some sort of show, so I was PISSED. He texted me about 10 minutes later and said "I love you". I texted back and was like "No you fucking don't and don't say shit else to me when we leave here". We then started arguing in texts and I broke up with him. He walked me out to the car because his family didn't know that we had just broke up. On our way to the car I threw out a bunch of "Fuck you"s and he HATES when I curse at him. We rode over there together from my house but because he was mad, he said that he will find his own way home. I then left.His argument was, "I asked you if you were ready to go".. and "I can't make people stop smoking in their own house". I understand that, but he could've at least came out there with me. If not that, he could've at least came out and checked on me to say, was I alright. Or at least brought me a chair. This isn't my family, I don't know them.. He felt the need to text me and tell me that he loves me, but he didn't feel the need to come keep me company at least on the commercials? Then he also came out to throw a plate away and walked right past me. I feel like it was a tough guy act and I'm still pissed about it. I broke up with him out of anger, and to make him regret treating me that way. I feel like crap right now.. I know that he loves me and I know that he's hurting too. But the fact that he feels like he's done nothing wrong is what makes me not want to give in.I have two questions.. was I wrong? And what should I do now?Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to give an update. He apologized and I did too. Some of you were right.. it was a situation that got out of hand and after talking it out, we realized that. Some of you were right again, I should have told him that I was stepping in the hall.. It probably would've avoided alot. During the talk we had.. He admitted that he could've handled it differently too by suggesting we both just go in the hall in the first place. I forgot to add in the question that I have asthma and he knows that.. So he felt really bad about not letting them know ahead of time that I couldn't be around the cigarettes. The important thing is that we worked it out. Thank you all very much for your advice and input.And PS.. Despite everything, the family still likes me. :) They understood why I stood in the hall, I guess he told them later. They all stated that if they would've known, they would have put their cigarettes out because I was the guest. Classic case of how non communication can make situations end badly. Oh and someone asked my age, I'm 20.
A
female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (6 February 2013):
I think you really overreacted with this one. You were a guest in his home with his family. As others have said, your boyfriend is not a mind reader (maybe). I would have assumed if I was in his position that you wanted me to tell everyone in the room to stop smoking, which seems a little unreasonable to pout over. I understand that it bothered you and I can totally understand what you went through. I am guessing you are on the younger side of 18-21? When I was 18, I would have behaved the same exact way so I do not fault you. However, you were in the wrong this time -- especially to cuss him out over such a small thing (it really is a small thing). He probably doesn't feel that he did anything wrong. You have to remember that he can't feel what you are going through. If the smoke was causing you a lot of discomfort, he may not have known since he can't feel your feelings (he can only try to empathize, but obviously that would have been difficult noting that the smoke clearly did NOT bother him). I had horrible allergies at my ex boyfriend's house, but stayed there for months despite the allergies. I tried constantly cleaning and ended up with a horrible eye infection from repeated exposure to the environment -- while I was annoyed, it was only when my eyes were oozing yellow junk and different sizes that I became resentful that he showed little care for my condition. Why? Because he could SEE the problem (and he was a doctor). Don't you think if your boyfriend could have seen your eyes in poor condition or something similar, he would have been more concerned? He probably had no clue how you were feeling though. He probably never will ie. "I don't understand , she was standing there watching the tv A-ok." Even then, don't you think that was a TAD bit rude to his family? My ex was not a good boyfriend in many ways, but you say your boyfriend is a nice guy. He probably is wondering right now why you had to ruin his good day and cause drama in front of his family etc. Mine ENJOYED hurting people, which seems very different from yours. If you want to be with him, apologize and work on handling situations better (read some books on the differences between men and women). If you don't want to be with him, then does it really matter now?
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reader, Broadminded +, writes (5 February 2013):
 You were both wrong. Stick up for yourself when someone asks you a question about what you want to do. Explain yourself and be the better person in the situation. Don't say "no, it doesn't bother me". What's wrong with you? That's what he was probably thinking. He gave you an out but you turned it down and made you and him miserable. Then he blew it and displayed his immaturity. Neither one of you love each other. It's obvious by how you both acted. No consideration for each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): This situation has gotten totally out of hand! after being with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half ive realised men dont think like women and they are not mind readers!!instead of just breaking it off what you should have done is text him asking him to come into the hall and tell him how you felt, that it is his family, his house and that he knows you dont like cigarette smoke and that he should be more accommodating to you! hes a man, the superbowl was on, he wanted to watch it, you cant start going crazy swearing, dumping him, its rediculous, he probably hasnt a clue what hes done, if you explained in a calm way how you felt he would probably apologiseyou even had a chance to tell him calmly wen he brought his plate out, like maybe saying arent you going to get me a chair
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I think you did not handle this properly , and you created a lot of unnecessary drama.
You had been offered the choice to leave , you did not leave out of courtesy , not to look like you hated them or something, I get it. By the same principle, before seeking refuge in the hallway and standing there sulking you should simply have said " don't mind me, I am going to move back a little, my smoke allergy is acting up " or " sorry, smoke really bothers my contact lenses "or " I am really very sensitive to cigarette smoke, don't worry , I'll see just fine from the hallway ".
Maybe they would have been polite enough to extinguish their cigarettes, -or, if they had chosen not to ( after all, as your bf said, they were in their own home ) at least they did not have to think that you are rude , stuck up or plain weird, or that you find their B.O. offensive, -all things that they might very well have thought.
I think your bf acted so out of character because he was EMBARASSED by your throwing a tantrum over something that could have been handled much more elegantly and smoothly . I don't condone him if he went out of his way to act hostile, then again, let's not blow things out of proportion, he should have checked on you and asked if you were allright...? it was a hallway, not a jungle !. Mostly, there's a time, a place, and a way for everything, you could have waited after the end of the party to explain him what made you uncomfortable and why, and how you expected him to act in future to prevent / deal with similar occurrences. Starting shooting a volley of " fuck you "s like a crazed sniper is NOT acceptable in any occasion, no matter what's the presumed provocation , and , good thing you beat him on time with the break up, because I think that any man with an ounce of dignity would have dumped YOU on the spot , just because of the way you handle conflict.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I'm sorry but you were wrong.
YOU told him the smoke bothered you... he asked if you wanted to leave because of that (note he was willing to leave a family event FOR YOU) and you said NO
then you "stepped into the hallway" what you needed to do first was say "hey bf, I'm sorry but the smoke is bothering me more than I thought it would I'll go sit in the hallway where it's not so bad if that's ok I don't want you to miss time with your family or miss the game"
but you didn't. YOU just went... and you sulked
and expected him to be a mind reader.
he is right HE DID ASK YOU IF YOU WANTED TO GO... YOU SAID NO
you need to suffer the consequences of your choice
then he said "I love you" and he did... texting was just a cute way to do it.
part of watching the game is being with the crowd.
YOU owe him a huge apology.
he did nothing wrong.
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female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (4 February 2013):
I personally think that what he did wasn't that bad. It isn't worth splitting up with someone over. I wish my ex had of done that to me instead of what he did. "But the fact that he feels like he's done nothing wrong is what makes me not want to give in."I can understand you there, that's why me and my ex failed, but still I don't think what he did was particularly vindictive or anything.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You were not wrong. Your boyfriend does not know whether you are going to speak to him again. If you do you have to be the one calling him. It's a tough situation for you both but I feel that your boyfriend should stand up to you more and at least take you home.
The only way the relationship could work is that you never visit his folks. You can forsee what the future will be like. You are just different people. Even if you were to dine at a non smoking restaurant I would imagine it would be hard for you to relate to them. People who smoke knowingly offending other non smokers are inconsiderate addicts. I would also think it's not their thing to go to such restaurant. I went to Europe and a lot of places allow smoking. I could not stand it.
There is no point visiting the family when those people can't approach you and your boyfriend had to go back and forth between inside and outside. It's unfortunate but this is an example of how love is not enough to work in a relationship. People had broken up over pet allergies when the other one refuses to part with it. Your health is more important here. I do see that as a deal breaker. When you are married it's not only to the guy but the whole family also. Most people are somewhat family oriented so if there is a big conflict like this it is better to let go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): You acted normally the way a girl should and you are not wrong. But if u want him back, try sending him a love message and forgiveness.
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