A
male
age
36-40,
*k06
writes:I need some opinions on a view that I have. I believe that the way I look at this is a mature, healthy way... but I would like some advice from someone older that may have been through this before.My girlfriend of nearly a year and I are sexually active. We fit the common stereotype, being that I have a higher libido than she.The way that I see it, sex is carnal. I have decided not to connect sex with love, although I would not have sex with her if I didn't love her. I decided this because obviously I want to have sex at times that she doesn't. I feel that if I put sex equal to love, then when she turns me down, I will subconsciously think that she is also turning my love down. I have came to the conclusion that if I don't put sex equal to love, then I wont feel rejected when she doesn't want sex.I have other reasons that I love her. Sex being the least important out of the reasons. So is this a good way to look at things, or am I condemning the relationship?
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female
reader, Keria  +, writes (25 April 2007):
Sex is not love.
Love is not sex.
Got that?
Good.
Now, love with sex can be awesome, and sex with love can be awesome. But it doesn't have to be this way. You can pair lots of things up... Let's see, taking french classes with someone you love can be great, but you can take french classes with someone you don't love, and you can do other things with the one you love besided going to french classes. It the same with sex and love.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): Like it or not, some men associate sex with love, for some of them don't really understand what is love? And turning down on sex by their female would definitely make them wonder about their own role in the relationship. This is were communication is so important. People who turn down their partner for something and don't want to give a reason makes the other person sceptical as to whether the trust factor is missing between the two? Or is it that the girl is underestimating the guy to understand and accept the real reasons behind turning him down? Things are very complicated in a relationship when it comes to sex and love as people perceive it differently and is often not known to the person they are relating with.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (23 April 2007):
 I like Martini's answer. It's obvious sex is good for physical reasons. People who are not in love have sex all the time. They often risk a lot to do it too. People who are falling in love have wild sex because the relationship is new. Often sex can dwindle somewhat as relationships get older but the love is probably at it's emotionally strongest point.
Love is comfort and peace. It's knowing what to expect and what to give. That includes sex. I don't believe most people are thinking about how much they love the other person while they're, for example, performing oral sex. They're just comfortable, horny and fulfilling a role. I think it also varies somewhat between men and women. Most, not all, women desire affection with the other person, to have sex. Most men, are capable of sex without as much affection.
Love is the entire picture of a bonding action. Sex is just one of the aspects that it's comprised of. It's an important one though and the cause of many problems.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 April 2007):
 Sex and love are of course different. They are connected, but not the same thing at all. So don't 'disconnect them', but do see them as distinct things.
Female sex drive is very different from male. If this is something that is bothering you I suggest you find out more about the differences. Just seeing it as 'females have a lower libido' isn't correct, it's much more complex than that.
I suggest you also think about why being 'rejected' for sex is such a difficult experience for you. The long term path to dealing with this issue is for you to understand your own emotional reaction for what it really is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): (smile) You are beginning to think like a sensitive adult. Good for you! Yes, sex and love are not the same thing. Sex is a very human need and impulse. But so is love. The two are fantastic when they go together. But, it (sex)is not always there, though love may be. The key is to always consider the loved one first. If sex is not what they are wanting from you now, you should not feel "rejected". They may want something much more important from you. Like support and comfort. Help with a problem. If you truly love, you will want to be there for the other in any way they need you to be.
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (23 April 2007):
 Question: if the partner you love will have an accident and will not be able to meet your sexual needs, will you still be able to love her? Or: if you have great sex with someone you can't stand - could that be love?
I'm not much older then you, but I think I still could tell you something. I agree with you, that sex is not love and I will not have sex without love. I try to explane you what I learnt about different aspects of love:
-Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really controll it yourselfe. It is like beeing on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. You can compare it with beeing drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems.
-Real, deep, solid love is is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't allways feel anything.
-Sex is a part of love, of a real, deep, solid love. In me opinion sex is a thing for a really close relationship where one partner loves the otherone very deelpy and one can really trust the other one (for me, this would be the case in a wedlock). Only then sex will be one of the nicest things in the world. If you just have sex for fun, it will only assuage your need, but you will not find peace in it. It can be used like a drug and it can be very frustrating when you use it just like this. I think one could have great sex with a person you can't stand and really enjoy it (I think I could not, but I belife others can), but you could never love the person itselfe, but only his or her body. But I belife, if you enjoy sex with the partner you really love, this is an other dimension.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): Actually I share your perspective on sex and love. I too believe that sex can be translated as raw libido and love can be translated as emotional 'libido' - if you know what I mean. People often associate love and sex together because IMO, sex is the act of pleasuring and to be pleasured to give and to receive. Thus love is supposedly to give and in return if given back, sharing and such, then that association should be related to sex. Since sex is physical between people and love is emotional between two people...
Ah, I feel like I am not making any sense. It just seemed so clear in my head just now.
However, unlike you, as much as I believe sex and love are two different things by their extremes, if my girlfriend turns down sex with me, I would never think she is turning down my love down. That 'logic' wouldn't make sense because if I were to use that logic on something else like if I want to go to Europe with her, but she turns me down for whatever reason, then does that mean she is also turning down my love for her?
I feel that it is a very unrefined and immature way to believe with that 'logic' of turning down sex meaning turning down love. There are so many factors such of her tiredness, her moodiness, maybe some crap happened, maybe she had a bad dream, bad sleep, maybe it's time of the month again, etc, etc, etc. You can't just say it's either this way or the high way. It's not accurate enough. It's not a yes or no issue.
You see, there is blind, deaf, illusive love and then there is refined, matured, growing love. Both can lead people astray in priorities. However, I rather my girl deny me something out of priority than to agree and accept me 100% of the time even when I feel it is out of line that I request it.
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