A
female
age
36-40,
*mj85
writes:Hi,So I need some serious advice again. Ive been with my boyfriend a little over 4 months and for our anniversary, i booked a hotel to make our 'first time' special. I had told him I wanted to take it slow with lots of foreplay and candles and music ect and we talked about positions we like etc. I asked him not to be rough because of my abusive past (ive had counselling about this) and he said he wouldnt.So the night....I got there and met him at the hotel but had to have a shower there then we had agreed to go and get something to eat but when I got out of the shower (fully dressed) he was lay watching telly and asked me for a hug when i gave him one he pulled me onto the bed and so i lay over because i wanted to go and he got on top of me (as if doing doggy lying down) and i said what are you doing and he said humping you. I thought it was a joke so said stop it and get off and he wouldnt. I then tried to turn over and he got then on top of me missionary style and started to kiss me - he was too heavy for me to push him off but i kept saying i wanted to go. Anyway we had tea and came back. I got dressed for bed as it was late - got the candles and music out and asked him did he have a light and he said he didnt., I told him i was uncomfortable having the light on and he said ive gotta c u at some point. Anyway we had sex, i gave oral and hand and.....he came. No foreplay for me but fortunately i was aroused so was wet enough. We went to sleep but I told him earlier before i booked it that i had to go pretty early as i had plans so i didnt have time to have sex or anything in the morning. Morning came and his alarm woke me up but i kept falling alseep - he then continued to wake me up by rubbing my legs and kissing my neck - he got on top of me, I told him i didnt have time so he said lets make time,he then pulled my knicks down waited until he was hard and we had sex but IT HURT because i wasnt very wet. I said how about 3 times and said im not wet enough but he carried on. He knows im fuming with him and we have nearly broken up but hes just sent me a bunch of flowers and card at work to say sorry. My mum thinks i should end it and that hes only after sex. When i ask him he says he loves me and it will never happen again.Should i beleive him or get out now?So sorry for long post but i need some geuine non judgmental advice urgently please. I have been in bits about this since it happened on fri (12th)Thanks a milEmxx
View related questions:
anniversary, at work, flowers, foreplay, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billylyer  +, writes (13 October 2008):
Dear reviewer, please do not make errors. It was inane, not insane.This is not a judgment; no more than an idea that I offer you to consider. Surely, he is a brute. This is what you like him for. Probably you do not realize that the reason of your forbearance is just his treatment of you. A strait fellow who would treat you with due respect and responsibility would seem to you dull and I N A N E because you would not have to fume with him.
A
male
reader, Billylyer +, writes (12 October 2008):
This is not a judgment; no more than an idea that I offer you to consider. Surely, he is a brute. This is what you like him for. Probably you do not realize that the reason of your forbearance is just his treatment of you. A strait fellow who would treat you with due respect and responsibility would seem to you dull and insane because you would not have to fume with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (3 October 2008):
 Pleased you are doing whats right for you. Clear your head and take time to get over this. Then you will see exactly what you need to do. All the time you are in it, its too difficult. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, unknownlady +, writes (2 October 2008):
 good decision you do deserve better :)
bet ur mum likes this idea too :) lol
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Emj85 +, writes (2 October 2008):
Emj85 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hiya I just want to say thankyou for all your help. All your answers really helped me and i decided to take a break to think about my life ect and enjoy time with my mum xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, unknownlady +, writes (2 October 2008):
Thats rape! i think u know what u need to do hun, u can get someone so much better that will appricate your efforts in gettin teh room booked and candles and who also respects your needs and plans!
GET OUT AS FAST AS U CAN U SOOO DESERVE BETTER!
Good luck!
listen to ur mummy shes right :) x
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (18 September 2008):
 your mum is correct. he is not in this to be nice to you, just to please himself
...............................
A
female
reader, ZeeZee  +, writes (16 September 2008):
"What he did was little short of raping you." - uncle Phil
I don't think it came very short. Keep in mind that things do snowball. You need to get out of that relationship, fast.
...............................
A
female
reader, queenbe3  +, writes (16 September 2008):
 He basically raped you........and you need to tell him that......you felt like he took advantage of you.......you will never able to forget this day because it was to be your first and special day........you need to dump him and really take some time off to think........I can't imagine how you feel about..........stay away from him.....he will do it again........fuck the flowers ans shit...........run fast
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): He obviously only cares about himself. What he is sorry about, and why he is sending your flowers, etc, is almost loosing his f**k toy. To him you are not even a f**k "buddy" because he is not interested in pleasing you, but only himself. Your mom is right. He just wants sex. If all he has to do is buy you flowers and cards and "say" that he loves you from time to time to make you happy, he is getting a real bargain. The average protitute will chage considerably more. You need to decide if you are okay with being his live sex doll (a.k.a. five dollar prostitute), or if you want a real relationship with a real man who will care about your needs and feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (16 September 2008):
 It sounds like he's an ass plain and simple. He wants you for sex. He doesn't listen to you when you tell him to stop and it sounds like he raped you. You said stop. He didn't. That's rape. He hurt you, sweetie. I know you might love him but its no excuse for this. At least stop meeting him face to face and tell him over the phone. Texting is the easiest. Explain to him how you feel, how much it hurt, that no means no, etc. Don't just take this. Yeah, he'll send flowers and a card but he'll just hurt you again. I'm agreeing with mom on this one. End it before it gets too bad.
Have strength.
...............................
A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (16 September 2008):
It sounds like he's an ass plain and simple. He wants you for sex. He doesn't listen to you when you tell him to stop and it sounds like he raped you. You said stop. He didn't. That's rape. He hurt you, sweetie. I know you might love him but its no excuse for this. At least stop meeting him face to face and tell him over the phone. Texting is the easiest. Explain to him how you feel, how much it hurt, that no means no, etc. Don't just take this. Yeah, he'll send flowers and a card but he'll just hurt you again. I'm agreeing with mom on this one. End it before it gets too bad.
Have strength.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 September 2008):
He said he's sorry and it won't happen again, but he also said he knew about your past and promised he wouldn't be rough and would be romantic.
It's crap and it should never have happened in the first place. I am so sorry that you found out too late this guy was a horrible idiot.
Dump him.
I promise you that there are guys out there who are so much better than this. You will find one. Please don't lose hope.
Good Luck!! xx
PS. I am so glad you are close to your mum and you have someone you can talk to about this :o)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): i agree with uncle phill,
the way he treated you was awful and you dont diserve this!
he basicly ruined your special night which he had no right to and if he cared and loved you then he wouldnt have done so.
in my opinion, i would leave this guy who has treated you badly. trust me there are men who are willing to wait and will be gentle with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (16 September 2008):
 I would not stand for this if he knows about your past he should have understood, no means no stop means stop! If he didnt listen the first time and kept going and you had no way to stop him i would get out of this before it happens again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (16 September 2008):
Oh darling, sorry you had this experience when you wanted it to be so special. I'm sure you feel very confused about this. I feel confused too. You've been with him 4 months, so he was patient enough to wait for sex until you were ready, yet gets like an animal when he gets the opportunity. Is it that he just got far too excited because he wanted you so much, or was it just aggressive? Only you know the answers to these questions, and I'd hate to send you back into something that is really no good for you. But look at the facts - You had told him about your past, you talked everything through, you went prepared for a special romantic evening, you told him no sex in the morning - but you can't blame a guy for trying, thats normal - but when you ask him to stop he doesn't. Thats the bit that worries me. He's hurting you but is not worried about that. That is not good.
I have to say, I like listening to the men on these things. They know whats what, they know how men think. From where I'm standing, it don't look good, but like I said only you know what went on that night, and if you don't feel happy about it - and you obviously don't or you wouldn't be on here, then theres your answer. Listen to yourself first and foremost. Sorry to be a bit wavey on this one, but don't want to make accusations. If it makes you happy do it, if it don't don't. Can't say more than that. Lots of love xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Definitely get rid asap. I had a boyfriend like this who I said please get off to over and over again but he wouldn't. He was rough and really forceful and he hurt me so much. He didn't care. This chap was sexually excited and wanted sex and that was all that mattered to him not you as a person. He didn't care about the candles, lights or romantic experience or making it nice for you - he just wanted cold hard sex. Yes he is sorry now but at the peak of his sexual desire only he mattered. I know if it is a newish relationship and if you still fancy him it is hard not to forgive and think things will get better but this behaviour is indicative of the future. I think you could find someone who cares more about you as a person and your feelings and would want things to be special too. Take the flowers but keep him at arms length, your mother is 100% right.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 September 2008):
 The best way to judge your partner is not through your own eyes but through the eyes of strangers. After all he/she has reasons to be on their best behavior with you, they either want to win your heart or get you naked.
It is how they interact with random strangers that shows their true nature although accomplished liars like sales-people, actors etc may be so used to playing a nice role they can keep it up constantly and only be their own selfes in the privacy of their own homes.
For you, this is important because you need to know why he acted the way he did.
He might simply be a jerk who only thinks of himself, that would probably show in his interactions with others.
He might be in-experienced, not know any better. Seems more likely to happen to a teenager then someone in his mid-twenties but who knows.
The claim that he is just after sex might be true, but if he was a real player, he would know that the best way to get sex is to have the woman enjoy it. The better it is for her, the less you have to talk her into it.
You say you had an abusive past, are you falling into the same trap again? Flowers and a card to say sorry hardly seems proper for what seems awfully close to rape. To arrange that all he needed to make is a single phonecall.
Frankly, any man can tell you that sometimes you just send a gift because she in one of her moods and that solves it. It is like kicking a piece of machinery that makes an odd noise. You don't know why you kick it, but know that afterwards the noise stops and that is all you wanted.
You know him best, is he just terrible in bed and hasn't got a clue about what women want/need? He must be very clueless indeed as you TOLD him advance. You said you needed lots of foreplay and he gave you none. What more could you do, put up signs?
Or does he just care about himself and the cards are just the automatic response with no meaning other then to buy your silence?
It might of course be a combination as well, he might have been with plenty of women but if he never cared enough to figure out what they wanted, then this might be all that he learned and never picked-up that this isn't enough.
All in all, it doesn't look good. Frankly I find it hard to believe that a guy in his mid twenties (guessing he is around your age) would be this clueless unless he just couldn't be bothered.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Sounds like a jerk too me and that you can't trust him. Personally I be afraid it happen again and be on edge, something I wouldn't want in a relationship. End it but of cource it's up to you and how you feel.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Quick answer? Get out now.
What he did was little short of raping you. You told him to get off but he wouldn't. No foreplay for you, so he had no thought for anything but his own pleasure. As soon as he got to the hotel he had just one thing on his mind, which didn't include any romance, and one way or another he was going to get his end away whether you were willing or not.
I don't know how he can possibly profess to love you if this is the way he treats you. He showed absolutely no consideration for you, just himself. Listen to your mother. This is no way to treat a lady.
...............................
|
