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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my man for 2 years now, we hit it off from the word go and fell in love pretty quick, we are so close and always confide in each other if we have anything on our minds. We have just bought a house together and I could not have been happier. We have even spoken about getting married and having children. BUT I recently found out that he is a cross dresser and he bought a pair of heels on the internet. On the receipt for the heels I saw he had a nickname, so I typed it on the net and was shocked to the core when some profiles appeared showing pictures of him dressed up in saucy lingerie and dresses etc. The profile says he used to be an escort and that he is Bi and a long list of things he is in too!!! This may appear a stupid question and obviously I know what an escort is, but in the world of cross dressing is it still seen as being paid for sex etc. or does it mean something else entirely? I am so upset and confused as he I was completely and utterly fooled, he has never given me any indication that he is gay?? A message that he posted on the front of one of the profiles says that he has had time off and that he now misses it so much that he wants to come back. I could almost accept it if he had a bit of a clothes fetish but the Bisexual part and all the other things he is in to concerns me, especially STD’s or worse!! We live together and see each other almost every day so I can’t see how he can get away with going back to his old lifestyle before we met without arousing suspicion?? I want so much to understand what is going on and I am so frightened to ask but I know I have to approach him about this, just not sure how?! HELP!
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escort, fell in love, std, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (18 September 2008):
 Stay strong, and i'm sorry you're going through this. Lots of love and support from us. {big hug}
A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (18 September 2008):
 God you are very strong keeping all this inside for so long, don't know how you did that. But you are also very wise. You didn't go blasting at the least little thing. You have armed yourself with all the information you need and made sure its not a one off thing. I congratulate you on your coolness. Yes it does help when someone knows where you're coming from, its such a bitch to feel that way, and I'm not sure that the scars ever heal. But like you I believe in fate and destiny and know that I needed that situation for some reason - if only to learn and grow. You will do the same. But you still have the toughest part to go through, I also know that, but you will and you will survive. We always do. And you will be stronger and a better person for it. May even see you as an agony aunt soon - if you're not already !!!! :))))
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Deema, once again you have it the nail on the head, I thought I knew him, I actually felt sorry for him as he had a couple of failed relationships where his ex's both cheated on him with a friend. He is a little insecure because of this but once the trust built up and I made him realise that I won’t do the same (as it happened to me too) we really became close. Little did I know that it was probably a lie and possibly they found out his sordid little secret and left him!!! The heart breaking thing is we are so right for each other and although I hate him for what he has done I still love him...if that makes any sense!As for finding the profiles, it was the receipt for the shoes that gave it away as it had his nickname on there. Apparently they all have a different identity, when they dress up in women's clothing, they become a different person. Anyway I typed his name into Google and that’s how I found the profile, it was just a front page showing the pics of him and his interests. Anyway to put you better in the picture, some time ago our computer went down at home and he was waiting on an important email about the sale of his car, he could not check emails at work so he gave me his password and I checked his mail at work for him. Surprisingly he never changed his password after he gave it to me; I would have totally understood if he did. But I have to admit I did have a sneaky peek once in a blue moon. I know its snooping, but previously I had been in a 16 year relationship that broke down and ultimately ended in my ex cheating on me so my trust factor was low too. Anyhow, the two profiles I found you would need to log in to see anymore so I thought why not type in the hotmail password and to my shock it worked and I had access to all the emails he received and sent. It was such a shock to read it but glad I did as the things he is doing behind my back is just shocking! He had commented on the other site I found which I believe is the main one he visits but when I typed in the password for that site it didn’t work, in a way I was relieved as I don’t know if could handle anymore shocks!! But I am a great believer in all things happen for a reason, he doesn’t keep emails for long and the fact that he did not delete the receipt for the shoes straight away tells me that I was meant to see it and was a sign to investigate further. If I hadn’t been armed with the password I would have been none the wiser and he could have been having sexual contact with all types behind my back and putting me at risk of an STD. I haven’t confronted him yet, I am trying to build some strength and think carefully about what I will say. I will keep you posted Deema, it has been good talking to someone who has been through a similar situation. I appreciate your help. Lots of lovexxxx
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (17 September 2008):
P.S. How do you mean you just typed his nickname on the net and you got his profiles up? Do you just google it or something? I'm veeeeeery curious about that one.
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (17 September 2008):
Oh darling I'm so sorry you found more of this shit to look at. Thats the other hardest part about all this...... You really don't want to snoop but you just have to keep looking to see whats going on, and the anxiety you feel when you find something you KNOW isn't right. Its horrible, it really is. Its like you don't know the person you've been living with, like they have a completely different side to them you know nothing about. Thats what freaks you out.
As to your question are we still together. Yes we are, but it has taken a lot of hard work and honesty on both parts. It has shaken the trust in our marriage, but I have to say we have both grown as a result of this. I actually threw him out at the time, right there and then, right or wrong, thats what I did. I couldn't stand the fact he had been going behind my back in such a way when I had tried everything I knew to bring this out into the open. But he is from a different culture to me and there it is almost normal to do this, but that didn't make it acceptable to me. However, him being thrown out gave him such a shock and he lost everything at the time - house, car, business, wife and almost his family because I told them too when they asked what was going on, so it was a huge lesson to him. He now knows what will happen if he plays around like that again. But on the whole I would say we now have a stronger marriage because we worked through this one, but it was very different to yours. His problem never went beyond fantasy, and I was just making damn sure it wouldn't. Sounds like you already made your mind up. So sorry you had to find all this out, but like I tell my husband, you don't even have to go looking for it, one day something will just draw your attention to it. It happens every time, so don't lay there at night worrying what he's up to, you'll find out in time, just like you already have. Not a nice experience though. Keep your chin up hun, you will get through this. ots of love xxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): thank you all for your good advice, I am sorry to say that I have found out he is doing more than just dressing up, I wont repeat what I read on one of his recent emails to a fellow cross dresser but its very sexual and I can't deal with that. It looks like it will be the end for us, it is going to be hard for me to cope but I will find the strength from somewhere, us women always do!! LOLxxxx
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (17 September 2008):
 Hi again,
You have been given some really good advice, and the best way (only way really) is to talk. He will be uncomfortable about it, but like the annon Aunt said this is your life as well. I think its amazing what we as humans can put up with for love, and if all your partner wants to do is throw on a frock and high heels now and then, personally I dont think its the end of the world. I wouldnt like my partner doing it, because he has better legs than me (sorry bad joke) but you know what I am saying, its not like cheating. You have to be blunt with him and show him what you know, and if it is worse than just the dressing up then I wouldnt put up with it.
Darling you only have one life, and there is a limit as what you should have to deal with. Dont ever let anyone walk all over you, no matter how much you love them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Crossdressing does not mean he is gay. He has a fetish he is not comfortable telling you about. He is/was bisexual or at least bi curious at some point.
Knowing about your future husband's past as far as little details such as the time he fell off a bike and racked himself, is not as necessary to know as much as sexual orientation, fetishes and sexual history. You have a right to know as far as this is concerned.
Ask him what being bisexual means to him. It may be just curiosity or something in his past he decided he is not interested in anymore. He may be a straight male that likes to cross dress and had concerns himself that it might mean he is gay or bisexual, which is NOT always the case. But he should come to you and tell you what POV he has. If nothing else, to reassure you or tell you where you stand.
Being an escort, IMO, is far more serious. Esp one where he is ambivalent about his sexuality. If he cross dresses and is simply not knowing how to talk to other men about a fetish he feels a bit embarrassed about, then he may be trying it on as an escort instead of burlesque clubs or other venues where his sexuality is not so much the issue as expression of his fetish is.
I guess you would have to check the date he posted that he MISSES it. If it is recent you both need to talk. If it was before you came along, perhaps it was experimental - in either case you need to talk about it.
This is YOUR LIFE too, and embarrassment aside, it is a need to know basis. ASK.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Deema, you hit the nail on the head when you say it must have felt like a sledge hammer from all directions! If you don't mind me asking, are you still with him? If so has it worked out for you? The worse thing is I love him so much and we have grown so close. I know he loves me very much too and would have been together forever, thats what makes it so upsetting. I will do what you advised and show him the profile then there is no possible way he can get out of it and will have to come clean.
LOL
xxx
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (16 September 2008):
Oh God, what a shock!!!! And its so much worse when you see it in black and white for yourself. Its like being hit with a sledge hammer from 10 different directions. And to find out so many different things you never knew too. You must be reeling darling. So sorry for you. You obviously have to broach this, and there is no easy way. What I personally would do is have the page up on the net and show him, and ask him to explain - thats what I did, not same problem but stuff I wasn't happy about. My man's colour drained from his face and he looked as though he was going to drop dead. Then I knew I wasn't wrong. Maybe it could work for you too. Body language and expression tells you everything, even if they don't want to admit to the truth, you'll see it through his body.
Best of luck. You will get through this, but hell its hard. Lots of love xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you so much for your advice, I have just been doing a bit more investigating and the dates he registered are just before we met but has revisted a year ago! For all I know he could have been doing this for years?! Like you say I may be able to accept this if it was all in the past and not whilst he was seeing me but the fact is he has posted a message saying he wants to go back to it! Thats why i am so confused, we met on the net through a well known STRAIGHT dating site, I had spilt from a long term relationship and he had a couple of failed relationships in the past (both women he was seeing cheated on him!) we had both been single for a while, then thought it was time to start looking for something more serious. We both stated on our profiles we are looking for a serious relationship which concerns me even more because if he was looking for something serious, why register all the cross dressing profiles around this time?? why not stay single and play the field if that is what he is in too!! I am starting to think I am just a cover up so his family wont suspect anything?! If this is the case he deserves an Oscar for his acting as he is so loving towards me and even has a little jealous streak if I comment on man on the telly, which i find quite endearing, also he is a little insecure which is so not the case if you saw these pics!!! I guess that's why I didn't suspect anything!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (16 September 2008):
Darling, do you know how long ago that he put this on the net? because if its recent then obviously your relationship is not going the way you thought, and I feel that their is not a lot of hope.... BUT! hopefully its old and he has forgotten to take it off, even so I would worry why he never told you. It could be that he is embarrased by this fetish. I think the thing that worry's me, is that if this is recent, and he wants to dress up again he should have told you, and left you with the true facts. Then you could have made a decision if youy wanted to stay with him or not.
I think you should be honest and just tell him what you found out, and how you found out. He will go on the defence, and probably tell you you shouldnt have snooped, but in this case I think he has an awfull lot to come clean over. And their is the health risk that you already mentioned. You deserve to know the truth, and how far all this has gone.
Please post in again and let us know if you need any more help.
XXX
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