A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I met a wonderful girl online and we hit it off really well. We kissed on the first date, had lunch on the second, and ended up sleeping with each other on the third when she invited me over to her apartment for pizza and a movie. We used condoms. I've gone out with her once since then, but we just went to the movies and had dinner. As I've grown older, I think a lot about my future, and one thing that I'm certain that I don't want in my near future is children. So I've gotten into the habit of asking women I sleep with about their opinion on abortion. This particular girl, although she doesn't want a kid at the moment (She's 26, I'm 30), told me she wouldn't abort if something were to happen by accident, that she is financially responsible enough to raise a kid on her own. She said this knowing that I don't want a kid, and am okay with abortion. I know that this is a really sensitive topic, and I don't want to start any pro or anti abortion arguments. All I want to know if it's best for me to leave the developing relationship while it's still in it's early phases since this is a pretty big difference in ideals, or carry on and perhaps try to change her mind. I really do like her, and I do see a good future with her. I've stopped seeing other women and talk and text with her daily. But I'd just like to have the peace of mind that we're on the same page. Thank you for any advice, and I hope you have a great day!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2018):
 ... Abortion is not to prevent having a kid, that is what condoms are for. If you dont want kids, use condoms. Dont mix apples and oranges here. Not wanting kids, and not wanting abortions, are not mutually exlusive. One can say no to kids, and yet not be willing to terminate a pregnancy should it happen accidentally. If you dont want kids, you need to ask women their opinion on birth protection.. Not abortion.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 June 2018):
 I fully agree with Andie here. But I think this goes much deeper than abortion for you.
Find a woman who doesn't want kids. That's not rocket science, and ABORTION isn't birth control. The issue should be settled far before abortion is even an issue.
YOU be in charge of your own birth control. Why leave it to the woman? Because you don't want a vasectomy? You DO realize that the procedure doesn't affect your penis?
Dating a woman who's had her tubes tied or has passed menopause will solve the issue for you as well.
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A
female
reader, Lucy6  +, writes (23 June 2018):
I also don't want kids, but an abortation? I don't think so either.
There are so many things you can do to prevent an abortion.
To be 100% sure: a vasectomy (way less harsh on the body compared to a hysterectomy, anaesthetics but also physical).
You can use and condoms and the pill.
U should always use condoms, anyway, until u tested both yourself and your partner on std's, or a bit after the vasectomy (takes 20 minutes under local anaesthesia), since sperm cells are still active after it for a while.
BUT: if all fails, get a map (morning after pill), or even an intrauterine device can be placed by a gyn and can stay there, even after map can't be given anymore.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 June 2018):
 Get a vasectomy. Be responsible for yourself, don't leave it up to the women.
You should absolutely NOT try to change her mind. An abortion isn't an easy thing and is not something anyone should try to encourage or dissuade.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 June 2018):
 If you are sure you don't want children, why do you not have a vasectomy and have done with it? Then the topic of abortion will be irrelevant because there will not BE any "accidents".
For the record, I totally understand your desire NOT to have children. However, accidents CAN and DO happen if you are having sex. Regardless of how careful you are, contraceptives can and do fail. Using abortion as a form of contraception is definitely NOT ok. Also, even if a woman tells you she would hypothetically be ok with having an abortion, once she is pregnant there is absolutely no guarantee she will not change her mind and that her maternal instincts will not kick in. In such a case, as a MINIMUM, YOU will be obliged to support that child financially for many years.
If you are so sure this is NOT what you want, have a vasectomy. Or stop having sex with women of child bearing age. No other method of contraception is 100% foolproof.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): It's presumptuous of you to impose your views on someone else. It's fine that you're upfront about how you feel about abortion; but that doesn't take any responsibility off you to avoid getting someone pregnant, or protecting you and your partner from STD's. Which is just as important as worrying about fathering children.
If you never want children the easiest and wisest action on your part is to get a vasectomy. You will still need to use condoms; but abortion will not be a necessary topic, because it's really none of your business where a woman stands on the issue. People change positions on things. What you believe today may be different over the next few years.
You're concerned about a woman's responsibility about pregnancy. Where do you stand on getting a vasectomy? Maybe you should take that into consideration; so it will no longer be the weird topic you would bring-up in discussion on a date.
If it had something to do with your religious convictions and you're an avid pro-lifer; than it may always be a concern. It would matter, if you were considering that woman to be your future wife. If not, I don't think you should pose the question to someone you're casually dating. I am sure they are somewhat taken-back that you should so boldly come across with such a question. Considering it would be so easy to lie and simply tell you what you wanted to hear. They could simply ask you where you stand first; and go right along with you!
Oh, by the way; a woman could still get pregnant and refuse to get an abortion. She might believe in them; but not necessarily for herself. Bring your own condoms, don't trust her to provide them. A vasectomy is the answer to all your concerns. Then you can share that. "I hope you don't want kids, I've had a vasectomy!"
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 June 2018):
 OP, I understand where you are coming from and its great that you are upfront about your views. One thing you may not be aware of though as other aunts have stated is that abortion is truly a very big deal to most women. Its not like going to get a tooth filled. Its gut wrenching, painful and the trauma from going through it can last for a lifetime. I know. If you dont want kids that fine but make darn sure you use condoms every single time and if you dont want kids EVER, get a vasectomy. Don't be going out with women thinking that they will use protection, they will get the abortion. If you aren't sure of the woman's view or can't trust her, you shouldn't be dating her, let alone sleeping with her.
Be smart OP. An unwanted pregnancy can be devastating to BOTH parties. Don't try to talk a woman into a decision. IF you don't agree or you aren't sure, don't see her. Save yourself alot of trouble.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 June 2018):
 I somehow find this to be very strange. Do you have any idea what an abortion entails for the woman? If you don't want kids that strongly, get a vasectomy or use condoms every single time or just abstain. Or else be prepared to pay child support when you get a girl pregnant.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2018):
 Yikes, OP
If you know 100% that you don't want kids, I'd suggest that 1. you use condoms EVERY time and get a vasectomy (still use condoms after that). Vasectomies are not 100% - thus you still need to use birth control - condoms.
You have NO idea what a woman goes through when they have an abortion. Emotionally, physically, hormonally and for some even spiritually. So for you to have that as a "must" in a relationship, I think it's utter unfair and selfish - UNLESS they are 100% on the same - I do not want kids ever page as you.
This girl ISN'T.
Saying she is OK with an abortion is one thing, actually going through one is a whole other cup of tea. And you have NO idea if she would change her mind IF she fell pregnant.
It's not something you should try and change another person's mind on when you are having sex with them. If you were ONLY debating them on the topic - changing someone's mind from pro-life to pro-choice MIGHT be possible - because it's still an abstract - it's not reality to either of you.
Using abortion as a type of extra oops birth control can be devastating to a woman. It still carries a stigma, guilt - just look at how people will PROTEST women using a abortion clinic and tell me IF you can put yourself in HER shoes AT ALL?!
You have two choices here when you don't want kids:
1. Abstinence (which I doubt you would want to practice)
2. Being ABSOLUTELY in control of you "fertility - such as getting a vasectomy and KEEP using condoms EVERY time.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 June 2018):
 Leave while it's still early stages.
If you're that certain you don't want kids at all, you might consider a vasectomy. No form of contraception is effective 100% of the time and it shouldn't be up to women to protect your reproductive choices should something happen.
Besides, if a woman from your past came after you for retroactive child support, you would have proof that the child couldn't be yours.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): If you are really so dead set on not having kids, then go and get a vasectomy. Why should the woman have to be responsible for making sure YOU don't slip up?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): I don't see why you ask her such question. You are using condoms,aren't you? So the chances of pregnency is very slim. If you are so worried then stop having sex with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): She would not abort a featus, that is the end of it. You could date her more but it sounds like ultimately she wants babies in her future and if you are dead set against then it ain't gonna work is it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): The answer to this is easy.Get yourself to a doctor and get a vasectomy right now.Abortion is not birth control.Even if a girl says she can raise a kid on her own you know you could be hit up for child support.Make a appointment today...it only takes one sperm to make a baby.
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