A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am wanting to know if my son's father and I will ever get back together. Last year we had a physical altercation and he is now being charged with agravated menancing. I am not looking to press charges against him, the state is pressing charges. They wont let me drop the case and he has not spoken to me since he has been arrested. I really love him and want to be with him but i dont know if we will ever get back together and i really want to. I am not looking for him to get anything but some counselling or anger management but they said he has to be convicted of something in order to get that. What should or can i do to get him back?
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (16 September 2010):
 You should be more concerned about your child's safety, not a man that will most definitely act out towards you again. Think about it; the state won't let you drop the charges, in spite of you wanting to, and now he's not even speaking to you. Don't you think those are big red flags that it won't work out?
Focus on raising and supporting your child, you don't need a man like that in your life. It doesn't matter if you love him, because when the state wants to take away you child for being in a relationship with an abuser, it's not going to be a valid defense. 'But I love him' should never be the reason for staying with someone that could put you and your family's safety at risk. You need to wake up, snap out of it and think about your child's needs, not your own selfish wants.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 September 2010):
If you did take him back, at some point the state would take your child away for its own protection because the man you love is an abuser. So it's a choice of the well-being and security of your son, or your abusive ex who so clearly doesn't care about anything other than himself. Choose your son, and get away from that abusive man.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Without knowing exactly what he did, I could not say whether he even deserves a chance to be taken back. Even though "But I really love him" is usually a terrible warning sign, I'll assume that as an adult you can make the proper judgment call that he deserves another chance. Besides, "aggravated menacing" basically just means "yelled a threat in the heat of an argument."
I will say that the law is a meatgrinder designed to destroy men and fathers. What should be a system to deal with real abusers is turned loose over vagaries and one-time incidents far too often, and it steals resources needed by real victims.
The anon below has the right idea with the plea deal. If they don't already have a statement on file, do not give one until you get the plea deal in writing. At this point you want to prevent them from getting any sort of statements or evidence unless you can arrange the outcome you desire.
He is obviously not going to be in the best mental shape after this. If you take him back, you two will need to emotionally support each other through this whole thing. Therapy and anger management only go so far; you'll need to avoid provoking each other in the home, too.
I hope you're making the right choice. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, sam0x01  +, writes (16 September 2010):
Stay away from him until he has gotten help especially if you have any suspicion that in the event of conversation getting heated it has gone to physical abuse.
A genuine healthy relationship cannot be sustained in that environment with the potential threat of him becoming physically abusive.
If the state are persuing this legally, then it must be serious.
When you dont fear that he will become physically violent, then the relationship can change.
I have been in your partners shoes and my partner told me it was over unless I took a 12 step program.
If he is not prepared to do this for the relationsip, then you need to let him go (and potentially get an AVO).
The state have a duty of care to protect you and your son.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): Tell the prosecutor that you refuse to cooperate with the case and won't testify against your husband unless they offer a plea deal recommending the counseling you want as punishment. Let them know if they make the offer and ultimately it is turned down you will testify. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Are you nuts? Crackers? Your son does not deserve to grow up in a home where abuse is taking place between his parents, and likely it will escalate and the next time he hits you he may either put you in the hospital or kill you.
He may also hurt your child.
Please get help. Women who say, "but I love him", are mentally off when they are with an abusive man. It's called Stockholm Syndrome, where the captive begins to trust and love their captor due to brain washing techniques.
Your man may have bigger problems than anger management. He may in fact have a personality disorder which is a serious mental disorder that can even cause psychosis, which is his disassociation from reality, this is when you are most at risk for violence, if he has a psychotic break...and you won't know it until it happens out of the blue. Personality disorders are disorders of character and character is not changing, therapy and anger management classes do not cure a personality disorder, about 90% of domestic violence abusers have personality disorders. I want you to read some articles on Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti Social Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if any of this sounds true for you. A good web site to start is at saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Think of your child first and keep him out of harms way. If you and his father can't get along without abuse whether it be verbal, psychological or physical, then you have no right to put your child in the middle of that.
None what so ever.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 September 2010):
 You have to be sure that he is the man you want. Are you sure that this man is the man you want in your life and your son's life?
Let the law run it's course and if you are still confident that things will be alright, then by all means, ask him if he still wants to be with you.
Honestly though, I must say that I have little faith in this, he isn't talking to you which is a sign that he may not want to continue this, he may bare hatred towards you and that could be dangerous for you and your son, emotionally and possibly physically. I am not telling you to give up hope but try not to lead yourself to believe taht this is absolutely possible but expect all possibilities, positive and negative and ready yourself for both.
I hope that helps.
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