A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I desperately need advice. I am so worn down by my husband (married 14 years) and my life. I feel like he plays mind games with me but I constantly doubt myself because of what he says. He seems to get angry with me when I don't react or do what he expects or wants of me - getting up and walking off or raising his voice and talking 'at' me. This morning a lot of my feelings overwhelmed me and I was crying yet he got annoyed with me and said "When you're rotten at the core you need to find yourself". I said I felt abused by him and maybe I needed to speak to a woman's help group and he said "Yes that'll do you good being amongst other weak people". He says that he loves me but I feel that is hollow because he is not loving. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and if I speak my true feelings it ends up in a terrible row - so it's best to keep quiet. I feel so isolated as I recently gave in to his comments and moved from my job and friends so he could live 10 mins from his job. I am hoping to start a course in September and feel vulnerable now. Some of the subjects I will be studying he has now been reading up on, to the point of extremes (natural medicine) and has started telling me what I should eat, drink and even that I should meditate to 'get centred'. I feel like he's about to take over and that my enjoyment and discovery for the subject will be taken away from me. I have nobody to talk to about this as my friends are now distant and my family don't want to hear any more about it, they have made it clear - they have their own problems and don't need the hassle. The thing is I am now starting to feel like he is right and that I am rotten and I have given up thinking about good things in life and feel very depressed.
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): Just wanted to say thank you for the answers received - they are detailed and so very helpful to me I cannot thank you enough it has really made me see things more clearly and, although I do not like the reality I have to face it... I have, this afternoon, booked in for some counselling / support locally just to start with. AskEve I may also contact you separately and thank you for your kind offer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): Darling,
FIRST YOU ARE NOT AND I REPEAT NOT ROTTEN.....This is abuse and every feeling or thought you are having is now being centred on what he says to you and im not suprised you feel depressed,
You must get it through to yourself hunny that you are not the weak one here its him and his bullying ways and control make him feel stronger, its all about him, WITHOUT THIS CONTROL HE IS WEAK!!!! remember that and go to your womens group and find your confidence again, infact go to any kind of group you can find in your area to get back YOU!
Victim support will help you, they will help you loads they were wonderfull to me and helped more than I can ever say in words...
You do these things for you, and your confidence will return then you will feel strong enough to do the course you want...And then hunny you may think when you have found yourself again that you dont need this person in your life anymore bringing you down and hurting you, dont ever think you are weak have faith in yourself always love.. And feel free to message me anytime PLEASE TAKE CARE LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, willow73 +, writes (14 August 2007):
 To start with you are not rotten to the core. thats just his way of bring you down to control you. Yes it sounds as if he is playing mind games, very similar to my ex. He was very controlling and tried to bring me down to keep me under his control.
Your husband is probably the same very insecure and may be worried about losing you.
I wonder has he always been like this or is it more recent that he has been so emotionally abusive towards you as it may be the return to study which has worried him. What ever it is you must remember that you are not a bad person. You seem to have alot going for you and i feel that the return to study will do you the world of good it will help you find yourself again and gain more independance and strength that i feel you need.
14 years is a lot to just throw away but if his making you that unhappy and depressed maybe it is time for you to leave. You only have one life and you need to make the most of it spending your life being unhappy is no good for anyone.
Your husband does not sound very supportive of you and the way he makes you feel, if he could be more loving towards you and stop with the emotional abuse and controlling behaviour then there could be a future for you both otherwise i would leave.
When i left my ex my life was much more enjoyable and i learned to like myself again and my confidence increased. I am now going back to education myself in september and for once i feel i am finally doing something for myself.
I hope this has been some help to you im always here if you need to talk you are certainly not alone.
I wish you the very best of luck.
nikki
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Google - family shelter service.org (in the U.S.) and go to the services page. Read the right hand column. Pull up the list for "How to Assess whether or not you a being Abused". His behaviour sounds a bit abusive.
You sound depressed and I suspect your husbands and his attitude are not helping matters. Moving, after a death or loss, is one of the biggest stress factors anyone can face, and as you have said, you have left behind friends and family. You need to find a way to seek out new friends, perhaps a newcomers group would help? If you start to feel worse, get help from your family doctor, depression is a hard thing to get through by yourself. You are not rotten, and you have given up quite a bit in the past little while so you have every reason to be a bit sad, unfortunately, your husband is not helping matters. When you start feeling that you are worthless and that every will be better off without you - that is the BIG danger flag and the very bottom of the big black hole of depression. If you have any thoughts like this - don't keep them to yourself - ask for help from your husband, family, friends and get yourself to a doctor. Your husband needs a kick up his backside after you have done all this to make his life better. Perhaps you should remind him! If not, visit your family and friends back home for a few weeks. He might come to his senses.
...............................
A
female
reader, slinky  +, writes (14 August 2007):
This is a classical case of psychological abuse. He is completely controlling you - separating you from friends and family, "one-upping" you, and telling you constantly that there is something wrong with you. He is not trying to "fix" you, he's dominating you. Stop listening to him and listen to your instincts, he IS playing mind games with you. Who says he has a lock on truth and reality? My guess is he's the only one who would say that about himself, certainly not your friends or family. You have a brain, listen to yourself instead and get some help! No, he doesn't have to know. The only way this will ever change is when you decide to change it. After 14 years your family is probably tired of hearing about it because they know that you need to take action. I'd be willing to bet that if you begin to get help they will jump in and be supportive. But even if they aren't, proceed anyways!
Google the term "psychological abuse" and you'll find some interesting information, for example:
Psychological abuse happens when one person attempts to gain power and control over another, and can include:
* put-downs or derogatory comments
* ridiculing or blaming
* witholding affection
* spiteful inaction
* isolation from family and friends
* stalking or checking whereabouts
* dominating decision making in the relationship
* controlling the partner's money
* threats
There are various groups that can help you, and you DON'T need your husband's permission or approval to seek help. Of course he's going to ridicule any attempt you make at breaking free from his control. You'll be amazed what happens when you become empowered because he only has the power you give him. Once you begin to stand your ground and be your own person, watch and see how the whole relationship changes. Either he will do a turnaround, or he won't. But the key is that you'll be different, and you will be able to live a happy, healthy life regardless of what he does.
It's time to stand up and take responsibility for your life, don't relinquish it to someone else. It may be difficult to take that first step, but you can do it! A wonderful world is awaiting you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): You are doing the right thing going to school, it will busy your mind and a busy mind is a happy mind. Also, try to make a list of things that make you happy and be sure to do these things, they can be as simple as reading a book in the tub or going shopping when there is a great sale, retail therapy works for me smiling Volunteer work is a great way to make new friends, is there a charity you have interest in?
Men, by instinct, are 'fixers', your husband may be trying to 'fix' you, they are not the same when it comes to listening to someone's feelings just for the sake of giving you venting room, some men become frustrated when their mate is unhappy because they think they need to do something about it. Take control of your own happiness and he may be able to relax, he obviously loves you.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Believe it or not but your husband is insecure and this is how he deals with it. He tries to "control" you as this gives him power! You need to stand up for yourself and let him see he can't keep telling you what to do all the time. He's trying to belittle you and bring you down so that HE can keep the control in the marriage. No wonder your self esteem has taken a big knock hun.
He probably does love you but is terrified of losing you so he's playing these mind games to wear you down and KEEP you dependant on him.
He will NOT be happy at you starting this course! I bet he's been telling you you'll fail, won't be able to do it or haven't got the brains for it etc etc. The reason he's reading up on what you're going to be studying is again, to belittle you and tell you HE knows better! Again, he doesn't want to see you being independant and mixing with other people as you might leave... and so far it's working well as he got you to leave your job and has distanced you from your friends and will even isolate you from your family if you let him.
Okay that's the bad news. The question is WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT? First of all let me say to you you are NOT rotton or a bad person. You are very patient and have a great capacity to love. (You've kept with him for 14 years after all.) You are actually a very strong person deep down, he's just been grinding you down all these years and now you're actually starting to BELIEVE what he's saying is true. NOW you need to get some backbone and believe in yourself a bit more and I can help you do that.
Please email me and I'll work with you to make you a stronger, confident person. When you start that course next month you'll feel more than ready for it. If you would like me to work with you then please remember to add the link to this question (just copy and paste the link on your address bar). It just helps me remember who you are and what your problem was without you having to explain it all again as I get many emails.
You can become a more confident person and still be with him if you really want to be. He needs to see that you will NOT be controlled by anyone, you have your own mind! You also need to reassure him that you love him very much and he has nothing to fear with regards to you leaving him but you will NOT be used as a doormat!
Hope to hear from you soon.
Eve
...............................
|
