A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am so devastated that my husband has been looking at porn...I have read all the advice I can find and realise that there are many different opinions on it...but for me its a non negotiable issue. Sadly I had been very cear with my usband about this before we married so he simply did it behind my back...Whats hurts even more than the betrayal is the fact that none of the women looked even remotely like me...I ve had three children and am n my 30s...the women he looked at were all young and flawless....he ddnt look at amateur or even sightly heavy women (which I am 10 pounds over my ideal weight also have stretch marks) he explained that he was seeking the fantasy woman...so basically he is saying that my body type is NOT his ideal....I am wondering what the point is of even staying married..I know my husband loves me but I want more (selfish I guess) I mean after all, I feel there could be somebody out there who loves me AND feels my body is perfect for him...he might even find the woman of his dreams who he loves and looks like his porn woman ideal...so why be together? Am I wrong in my thinking...I realise Im upset and may not be thinking clearly but I feel that as an attractive woman I shouldn't waste my time with a man who sees me as falling short of his physical ideal....even if he caims to love me..I feel totally unconfident being naked with him now as I know he would not choose my body if given the choice between me and the women he has lusted after in porn...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): I personally don't see anything wrong with having your man watch porn. I have been in a relationship with my man for almost 6 years and no kids yet but I've never once felt jealous over the fact that he was watching porn. In fact since at an early part of relationship, I'll say year 2, he truthfully told me he watched porn. Honestly that meant a lot to me that he was so honest and I didn't mind. We joke about porn and while I do not enjoy it and do not watch it I accept that that's what he does. Of course we are still young and that it might be an age thing and even he admits that he doesn't feel as if he should keep doing this when we are older. Ladies out there don't give your men hell about this. Take a moment to think in his shoes how he feels, women have their issues and men have theirs. Be honest with each other and don't make it like he's a kid and you know better. A relationship it about you two working it out, you might hate it and want him to stop but maybe it relaxes him. Just talk to your man without blaming him we're all human and I bet he has issues with what you do. So don't control him and don't let him control you. And for one its not that I don't care that's he's watching porn, it is I do care. I care how he feels and what he likes, I have my own likes and tastes and it wouldn't be that right if he told me he felt betrayed if I enjoyed doing something. Just...talk to your man he might be all sad at first if you found out but if you keep attacking him he'll just find more ways to go behind your back and do it. If you're open about it it'll take that desire away. Honestly think of kids, when you parents tell you to stop doing something because "They are all knowing" did you listen half of the time? People make mistakes at any age the only bad thing is when we feel as an adult we shouldn't make mistakes we should be perfect.So as a woman in a relationship with a man who watches porn I say be open about it and don't make him act like your puppy dog. He's a person too and be open and honest but don't put him down because how else can you get through to a person who looks at you like a criminal. You are allowed to feel sad, angry or *gasp* you can actually just be okay with it. Sex is complicated issue and perhaps he just needs release, I don't thinks guys are slaves to sex but there is a relaxation to it and women can't deny it either. Don't take him watching porn personal, as far as my boyfriend says he doesn't care about the girls its just all the act and of course I'm not always around with him due to our living situation. He doesn't cheat on me and he watches normal 'porn' nothing freaky or disturbing. But of course if you do find it that way just talk like adults! Don't force him to give you the world or beg, treat him like an adult and he'll treat you like one. My rant that you may or may not agree with but just be open with your lover.
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reader, Sandy92301 +, writes (7 November 2012):
I have the same problem with my husband of 12 years. He tells me every single day that he loves me and only want me. He is the best dad and husband in the world. But he has a problem with porn and he likes to chat with other women behind my back. He promise to stop but never does. He waits till I am asleep and he goes on his computer for hours and hours. Just a few months ago I got him sending naked pics of himself to another women and I told him that this really upsets me and I was hurt by his actions. He blames me cause I shouldn't been sneaking around his computer so he says. This is a problem and he says he stop looking at porn and chatting with other women but I know he hasn't. We just moved and been trying to work on our marriage. We even been dating again. I know I am not as sexy as those young girls he looks at. I do have big boobs and a big ass which he tells me he loves that on a girl. He tells me I am sexy and he buys me all kinds of sexy stuff to wear. We even uses sex toys. We have sex like crazy but he has a problem with porn.
This really devastate me. When I ask him he tells me it not me it his male ego. But I think he hooked and doesn't know how to stop. I love my husband and this really hurts me.We have 7 kids together. The thing that hurts the most is lying about it which he does best. We share one computer and even after we moved he still looking at porn and chatting. I caught him and when he heard me coming in he quickly close it but i saw enough before he did. I happen to check the history and their was so many porn sites sexy cam sites and young girls in their teens to early 20's sites. I am so tired and sick of this. But what can I do cause he wont stop. This is normal to him. I know when he does something wrong cause he buys me sexy Lingerie from adam & eve and sex toys. It like he dressing me up to be like these girls on his sites. I do see this as active cheating, and absolute betrayal. It has had a massive effect on our relationship and I entirely relate. I do not look at porn, I do not fantasize about other men, and I wouldn't change a thing about him. Our sex life is adventurous, and interesting. I'm always asking if he wants to try something new.
He understands that his porn upsets me.I cannot live up to it. He has even said it would hurt him if the tables were reversed and I was the one looking. Yet even still, I find pictures and videos of enormously chested, naked women hidden on our computer.I'm extremely computer and internet proficient- his lies are pretty futile.Any man who thinks this is innocent and justified needs to be single and has no right to insult a woman by claiming to be a monogamist. If you can't live the rest of your life giving your sexuality to one woman- real or not- you're a player.
When I look at my husband I see a wonderful father and husband and I love him so. But I am also very hurt and devastated. Mainly cause he lies and hides it. I know he will never stop he a addict to porn and young sexy girls.
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reader, DeannaLe71 +, writes (5 July 2012):
My advice? Get a trial separation or divorce him. I am "engaged" to someone who does the same crap. I don't know if I am going to marry him. I go back and fourth. Why would I do such a stupid thing? He says he doesn't look at it anymore. Umm..yeah. Right. I am in awesome shape. I have had children and nursed all of mine, but got my breasts done recently. I am blonde..blue eyed./ Look much younger than I am. My sex drive is higher than his. You would never know I had children unless you saw the faint stretch marks I have on my tummy.. Trust me..it doesn't matter. And I love my fiance but he is overweight, soft, has an overbite,corns on his feet, he is pigeon toed, has issued with getting it up sometimes..isn't very big "down there" but I still love him and have no desire to cheat on him or lust after other men. I love HIM. Chances are...he wont stop. And if he's not looking at it on his puter at home...hes looking on the puter at work..or on his cell phone. They find ways. Love yourself. You are beautiful and sexy. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): I don’t think men should look at porn at all. You have every right to be angry and upset.Here’s some strange ways of thinking on this issue:1. All men look at porn.This statement is frequently trotted out as if it makes everything OK. It doesn’t and all men don’t.2. Your man is looking at porn because you’re not giving him everything he wants in his sex life.This may or may not be true but then why should anybody think they have the right to demand that their partner satisfies their every sexual need. None of us *needs* to be satisfied at all costs. We can all learn to do without quite cheerfully, if we put our minds to it. This said, sexual relationships are about give and take to an extent. It’s important to communicate openly on all issues.3. You’re lucky your man is looking at porn and nor seeking his jollies elsewhere e.g. with prostitutes.This also supposes that men are slaves to their sexual desire and absolutely must seek an outlet. They don’t, usually, and if they do feel an overwhelming need to satisfy themselves come what may, they need to seek counselling.4. You are insecure or have self-esteem issues.Finding that the man you love is looking at pornographic images can be very hurtful to a woman who feels that sex is something special between her and one partner whom she trusts. This can be true regardless of how she feels about herself. Sex is an expression of love. It is a physical relationship between two flesh and blood humans. The idea that a partner can get off by watching sexual images that have little to do with love and affection can be shocking. At the very least it brings up the question about what is he thinking when he’s “making love” to her? Is she just a convenient hole when he needs a different sensation than masturbating himself?There are some who will try to persuade a woman that she are wrong to feel hurt and betrayal upon finding that her partner looks at porn. For those who do feel betrayed -- don’t let them invalidate your feelings. They are yours and they are just fine. There is no need to try to find a justification for the way you feel or any need to try to understand your man’s desire for porn. Your man does not *need* to view porn unless he’s addicted. You can legitimately request him to stop and there should be no difficulty involved in stopping, unless he’s addicted in which case he needs to seek counselling. He doesn’t have to stop at your request but he will need to accept the consequences of his actions. But I will reiterate: most men are not slaves to their sexual desires. If his porn viewing hurts you and your relationship with him, and he cares about the relationship, then he should stop, full stop.But when discussing porn we can’t limit our thinking to the local issue between partners; there’s a huge business out there based on porn. There is exploitation, there is abuse, there is an objectification of women (and men), there is corruption, there is coercion and there is violence. Does anyone really want to support this industry just for a quick orgasm?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): I found porn sites on my husband's computer 2 years ago and he hasn't looked again YET. He was so upset. I still cry about it. I don't know what to tell you. I'm still confused. But, I told him if he ever did it again, I couldn't stay with him and have respect for myself. We have 3 very young children and I am in amazing shape. So, all the wives that think their bodies make a difference, know that it's not why they do it. It doesn't matter. I havent figured out the reason yet, and probably never will. The only way innate come this far in dealing with it is by realizing my idea of life and relationships could not be as they were. Good luck and read psalms 31.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011):
I look at porn often, because I have a high sex drive and my wife does not. I always felt ashamed and hid it. The other day, my wife told me that she knows I look at porn. I felt like a deer in headlights. I was shocked when she said: "That's okay. I understand. I hate it, but I understand."
Women need to be more accepting that most men do this. Even good family men do it.
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reader, morelshroomgirl1976 +, writes (7 July 2011):
I know how you feel, my husband looks and hides porn all the time. I told him how much it hurts me and he still does it. I wish he knew how devastating this is to me. I have had 3 children and bear the scars that go along with it. I starve myself and work my butt off to stay under 120lbs just for him and he still is more interested in porn. I feel worthless as a human being. I breast fed all my beautiful children and my breasts went from a small A to a very large double D. He never even paid any attention to me when I had large breasts. Then when they went back down to A's I had large stretch marks and they sagged. I am so ashamed of myself and my body. I have to hide myself in front of him because I cannot compete with the beautiful blondes with large breasts. I don't think I am ugly, but I definatley don't feel pretty anymore. This has devastated me. I told him how much it hurts and he promised me he would never do it again. Yet he did. I feel like such a worthless broken person. I can not even bare to look at myself in the mirror any more. I worked so hard to loose all this weight and to be pretty for him and he turns to other women. I don't think men will ever change. I can't get out of our marriage becuase of financial reasons. I am stuck with this pervert. He wants me back, but I just can't compete with beautiful blonde busted women anymore. If you're not happy I would leave. Do you really want your children growing up to be the same as he is? What if they find the porn? Then they will know, if they are boys, that porn is what to be expected of women. They will judge women on thier looks only. If they are women they will try to fit into the role of the porn star to please a man because that is what daddy wants so that is what all men want. I just wish my husband knew how much this really hurt me, I don't feel worthy of even being human anymore. I have nothing to give, I thought my personality and my love was enough. I was wrong. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I can't stand what I see. I did the best by being a great mother and breastfeeding my children and this is what I get in return. I can't leave him now, I have no way out. I can't take this pain and lies anymore, I will find a way. I suggest you do the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): I will never forget the day I found emails from porn sites on my husband's computer. It was horrible timing because it was the day before my birthday (2 years ago). He claimed that it was because we didn't have sex enough and it doesn't really mean anything to him. I was devastated. He apologized, but I have never gotten over it. I don't bring it up, until he mentions something like wanting to take pictures of me, etc.. Then it brings me back to that day. I get terrible flashbacks of feeling ugly. I could never understand why he would do that to me. I have had weight issues and since that happened I have been so sensitive about my weight. Of course all the girls were in the best physical shape. I can't look at myself in the mirror sometimes now, I start to wonder if I'm pretty. I hate this. It's not all the time, but sometimes. It happened today and that's how I ended up here. I don't know if I will ever be over it. If not, then I have to ask myself if it's worth it to me to even be married. I didn't sign up for that. I have not seen it since, but it was really painful and heartbreaking for me.
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reader, Aliyah A +, writes (9 April 2011):
I am now going through the same experience. I walked in on my husband unexpectedly and he quickly exed out the screen but not b4 I saw the naked girls.
I was so devastated. He sensed my problem, even if he has not said so, but he apologized for "whatever he did wrong" (his words) and proceeded to tell me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me and no one else matters but me and he doesn't want me to ever be so cold toward him... (I know I felt frozen for a while then to be sure).
Right now it seems like he is "making up" for what he did but I am now so upset about everything I have completely lost confidence in myself and just want to hide my body from him.
Does the feelings ever go away and life continue like b4?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): after 31 years of marriage, 70% of me is out the door...I have caught him (he doesnt know it) but I have seen him from another room through a crack in the door, looking at the computer wacking off...after those 3 times, I have to say, its a major turn off (this was about 8 or 10 years ago)..He quickly pulled his pants up when I got closer to the room.Top it off with he has a temper and uses the silent treatment when unhappy with me.He is RETIRED now, has no friends and says the other day "I need to invest more in the marriage"...he is also getting fatter (which he blames me on) says I need to cook for him not bring home fast food..want me to go on?his temper has pushed me away steadily for all this time to the point now I have to pretend to really really like him.I love him but to be frank, this behavior pattern turned me off to him..so there you go!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): I think you should have a trial separation. You dont have to put up with him looking at porn. That is whats wrong with men today. They think they can get away with doing anything, and Guess what... we have let them. If you stay with him , then just know that he will continue to look at pornography, and because you are not his ideal woman, then he may eventually cheat. I am so sick and tired of people letting men do what they want with no consequences. If you do decide to stay, then look at pornography of men. Give him a dose of his own medicine.
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reader, anonymous8082 +, writes (4 December 2010):
Ok, I am going to give another side to this issue. About 10 years ago, when I was 18, I was in the adult industry as a nude model for many of the big magazines. I didn't do anything with guys at all and just some touchy stuff with other girls but often at the locations we filmed at, other things were being filmed that were more hardcore (traditional porn). During breaks I would go watch and they were all sooo FAKE! The girls seemed like they didn't want to be there at all and you would be amazed at the tricks they would do to pretend they were into it. Once the camera stopped rolling, they would go call their boyfriends/husbands just like any other person. And, most are only doing it to get out of some podunk town and have tons of psychological baggage (I had my share too at 18). I don't think any guy would want to actually be with any of those girls if they met them in person, which is why it will always just be a fantasy.
But I am recently married and found a lot of porn history on my hubby's computer. And even though I know the industry and am comfortable with it, it bothered me for some reason. But I also know most men look occasionally and we cannot control that - even if they claim they don't look so I tried to brush it off but it stayed in my mind. So, since I still have friends in the industry, I decided to take my hubby to a porn filming (he thought it was a special treat for him)... but it was such a turn-off to him after seeing it being filmed that he hasn't looked at it since! I guess seeing all hours of make-up and hair and lube and all the tricks that go into it ruined it for him. Oh darn!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Hi I'm sort of in your boat my husband use to look at porn in 2006 and now it's 2010 I'm feeling perplexed because I don't know whether or not to make love to him I'm so hurt if we stay together I'll need A therapy and Sexual Therapy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Im a 25 year old woman with two young children and a Husband I gave everything up for.
I have done everything he wants whether it's willingly or in tears. I am a good mom and a good loving wife. I feel like I need to keep my husband happy in order for him to love me and do the same for me.
I found out he was looking at Porn before we were married and thought I had put a stop to it. I found out that he was still looking at it when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. Being pregnant and finding out that your husband hasn't been touching you because all he does is touch himself is very devistating. I was emotional and didn't know how to handle the situation. I called him a pervert and demanded him to stop. It only caused a backlash that got worse. About four months after our little girl was born I had finally gotten back into my pre-baby clothes. I thought that I had to get back into shape and be sexy again so that my husband would only have eyes for me, and maybe want to be more intimate since I looked the way I did in the beginning.
After weeks, of no romance and him using me how he wanted I became confused to why he was acting so strange. He wouldn't even let me get my clothes off. All sex was quick and uncomfortable. I ended up walking in on him looking at Porn. I had left to go to the store and forgot my wallet. I wasnt gone 5min. before he had it pulled up and it pulled out. I wanted to slap him. He is eight years older than me and looking a girls that are barely legal. If a 25 yr. old isnt sexy enough for her older husband than how in the world will I be able to control this when Im his age.
I think to myself that there will never be hope. Men don't care if it hurts us or if it makes us feel ugly. Im tired of having to do what he sees online. I have tried everything to keep him from it. Men have no respect for their women and the way we see things. To them you are a woman and you have to take what they do and live with it or else.
Its a horrible way to look at it, but every man I have been with has been the same way. I can't be a porn star for him and he will never be what I want. All i know is have two kids and can't leave him, so this is what I must live with. Im sorry to all the women that have husbands that don't think of your feelings. They say they aren't pleased...how often can we say that we are? The only difference...we don't go get off to guys that looked a 100 times better than them. Hell maybe we should.
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reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (27 August 2010):
 First things first, he is NOT basically saying that your body type is not his ideal body type. What he is saying is that he likes the way a young naked woman looks, most straight men do. There is nothing wrong with that. Looking at porn is an issue for many women, I recently had to deal with it myself. I talked with many people and have heard the same thing. Men are horny, they want sex a lot (if not 2-4 times a day or more). But do they want to have to worry about whether or not you have an orgasm or enjoying? Not that often...they want to enjoy it for them sometimes too. It's a selfish thing to do, but it's not totally wrong. They are visual and need that stimulation to get off. I am not by any means saying your feelings are inadequate, they are normal.
Question...Do you masturbate? If not, try, see how nice it is to not have to worry about him for a change.
Second, I agree it is a betrayal. You made it clear how you felt and he obviously was ok with it if he married you. He should have spoke up and said he wanted to look at and you two could have discussed it. But, I don't think it is grounds for ruining what you two have. Talk to him about it and explain your feelings and why you feel that way. But, try to use phrases like "I feel (insert word) when you (insert word)" i.e. "I feel like I am inadequate sexually when you look at porn." It takes the negativity off of the phrase. It might make it easier for him to talk about it. This may be very difficult for him to open up about. He is aware he went behind your back. Why did he do it? Only he knows.
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reader, Kassi (Nova)  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 I have this same problem with my fiance. He and I were friends before we started dating. I knew he had cheated in the past and he marks it as one of his deepest regrets- even to this day. Since we've been together, I've discussed with him that his looking at porn makes me feel bad about myself- he loves porn of women with grotesquely large breasts, and I am really small chested. It is insulting when he says he loves my breasts- I can't even bring myself to take off my top in bed anymore. All of his previous sex partners were all rather largely chested. He has been caught sneaking out of bed and going to look at porn in the middle of the night, even if we have just finished making love. The trust we have is tenuous- I almost left him after I found naked topless photos of a mutual friend on the computer. He felt disassociated from the friendship and regarded the photo as any other.
I do see this behavior as active cheating, and absolute betrayal. It has had a massive effect on our relationship and I entirely relate. I do not look at porn, I do not fantasize about other men, and I wouldn't change a thing about him if I could make my supposed ideal man. When I agreed to marry him, I knew that he already was. Our sex life is adventurous, and interesting. I'm always asking if he wants to try something new, and asking him to trust me if there is anything he likes that he feels self conscious about.
He understands that his porn sets a standard I cannot live up to and makes me hate my own body. He has even said it would hurt him if the tables were reversed and I was the one looking. Yet, even still, I find pictures and videos of enormously chested, naked women hidden on our computer (I'm extremely computer and internet proficient- his lies are pretty futile).
Any man who thinks this is innocent and justified needs to be single and has no right to insult a woman by claiming to be a monogamist. If you can't live the rest of your life giving your sexuality to one woman- real or not- you're a player.
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reader, Against Porn +, writes (5 August 2009):
You poor woman. The replies to your question shows how messed up this world is. I have to agree with the man who stated if you leave your husband and find someone else, he probably would have a larger stash of porn than your current husband. Other than that, I disagree with every word he wrote. Your husband is caught in a trap of perversion completely against the plan of God for his life. Every time a man looks at woman to lust he has committed adultry in his heart. It is equal to physical adultry and is legal grounds for a divorce if you are a Christian. However, if he is willing to repent and do whatever it takes to prove to you he is working faithfully on overcoming, it is ok to stay with him. There is a book, "Every Mans Battle" that may help him. I have discovered that my husband of 11 years has been keeping his dirty little secret all along. I am staying with him for one reason, he is repentant. He is agreeably locked out of the computer and we have gotten rid of the tv, because all he has to do is see skin to get him going. He is practicing daily prayer and working very hard, at breaking bondage to this sin. If he were not making these efforts,I would divorce him and remain single for the rest of my life, because I know this disease of porn is so widespread and I want nothing to do with it. If a man cannot honor his wife like the the Word of God expresses then he is not worthy to be married to one of the sweetest things God created, "woman"! He and all the other vile porn addicts should not have the privilege of a wife, because they are just using the wife's body to satisfy their debase cravings and in no way are making love to her, but fantasizing over their perverted images stuck in their minds and hearts. It is very devasting to find out your husband is into porn and you are completely justified in whatever healthy thing you choose to do about. I pray your broken heart mends and that God's perfect will is performed in your life and that God delivers your husband from porn. HIS Kingdom come HIS will be done. God Bless you. Get a bible and read: Ephesians 5, 1st Peter 3, Colossians 3, Mark 10, 1st Corintians 7 and focus on the parts about marriage. Look up the words in the marriage sections and see what they mean, like benevolence. You will find that your husbands body doesn't belong to him but it belongs to you and it is his responsibility to awaken and arouse your love, see Song of Solomon 8.
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reader, pornispoison +, writes (22 May 2009):
Men have a lot of testosterone and are constantly tempted by Satan. Understand that he is human and he may absolutely love the way you look...and also the way many other woman look. I abhor pornography and can see the way it poisons society and relationships. It creates expectations where there should be none and it causes women to feel like they are not as pretty as they should be. Don't get divorced over it though! If your husband loves you and it has not become a major problem (meaning he is spending a lot of money and time on it). Chances are if you did re-marry that guy would end up having a problem with it at one point in time as well. That is just the way guys are programmed. Don't excuse it because it is a sin! We are supposed to be with one man and they are supposed to be with one woman (physically, mentally...etc.) Just seek marriage counseling. There are great counselors that can help him with his addiction!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): I think porn is healthy for men? Extremely healthy.
Perhaps you should discuss with him the reasons he looks at it. I understand your trust issue. But i feel that a man that looks at porn, would be less likely to go out and do the real thing.
I don't know a man that doesn't indulge in porn. My father, brother, nephews and boyfriend. I think you're being slightly irrational.
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reader, eddie +, writes (17 April 2008):
 I'd like to add one thing. How is your sex life? You mention that you don't think your husband would choose your body type if he had his first choice. That is very common and possibly true. As we get older, it might get worse. That is when the physical becomes less important and the relationship as a whole, is very valuable.
It sounds like you have not been happy about your physique for a while. This is possibly why this feels so devastating. It's possible though that you're making a connection where none exists.
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reader, eddie +, writes (17 April 2008):
99% of the people in the world are with partners who are not a physically attractive as other people. If I am not the best looking guy in the world and my wife finds another man attractive, that doesn't mean I'm not attractive.
Why did you feel the need to make this an issue before you got married. Was it a problem at that point or just a rule you had about your partner?
I think you're over thinking this. If you are ten pounds overweight, it's not because your husband watches porn, it's because you're overweight. You stated yourself that you are heavier than you'd like to be. If that is true, why would you expect your husband to think otherwise. The fact you're 10 pounds over weight doesn't mean he doesn't find you appealing. He's not saying you are unattractive, you are saying it. If I could pick my ultimate best "physical" specimen of a partner, it might not be my wife. She is beautiful but perhaps there are some things that I might change. She would say the same thing.
It sounds like you're basing your self worth on the fact your husband is attracted to other women. Guess what, he always has been. I understand it's hard to buy into, you just weren't thinking about it. Now you know. Have you ever seen a man who was better looking than your husband?
Men are visually stimulated. They get some level of pleasure by what they see. We like many different types of women. One thing I can tell you for sure, and I hope it helps, I've never heard of a guy relating his wife to women in porn. Men know, or they should, that these are not your average women and not realistic either.
If you don't like porn because you disagree with the concept of it, that's your right. It doesn't mean your husband doesn't value you though. I'm not sure his delivery is good or if you're over sensitive but you need to figure out why you are so touchy about this. Listen, my wife is a 9 and I'm probably a 7. I know there are better looking men than me. My wife is in the upper level of looks. Does that mean she values me less? No...it just means there are better looking men than me....and richer...and fatter...and darker...and taller...and so on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): Yes it happened to me recently too when I had a c-section, I was unable to get out of bed and found out my husband had been looking at women on the computer when I was bed ridden because I had just had his baby cut out of me. I was in awful pain, I felt hideous, fat, etc. I am overweight too now I gained 40 pounds with my pregnancy. Every time I got on the scale at the doctor's office, I had put on more weight & the doctor would make a comment like "wow, you've gained a lot this month, is there anything you can attribute that weight to?" It's like yes sir, because I have been making a human inside of me for the last 9 months. When I found what he had been doing I screamed at him, I cried, I even hit him because I was so HURT & angry. What men don't realize is that us women don't like them looking at porn for the simple fact that it makes us think that it means they don't find us attractive anymore and that they want to go f*ck some 18 year old slut. That right there is why we hate it. Not because we want some excuse to go cheat as one male poster said. It makes us feel like the fattest, ugliest piece of crap that ever lived. I was totally devastated because I didn't think my husband would do that to me, I believe it was the day we got home from the hospital after having our baby. I screamed at him "what, were you waiting for me to be bed ridden so you could go jack off to whores?" Seriously, why else did he do it at that moment? It really hurts. I know where you're coming from. As long as he isn't cheating or making a habit of porn...all I can say is that we have to just tell ourselves that men think a lot differently than us women and they aren't satisfied with just looking at their wives for the rest of their lives. I for one, could care less about porn, or looking at some random naked man. But men don't think that way. I think they feel they need to look at this stuff from time to time. Just relax, and tell him that you do not want to find that stuff again. If he did it to where I would not find out (at work or somewhere else) I guess then I could not get mad about it. It does not mean that he does not love you though or find you attractive. If that were the case, my husband wouldn't want sex every night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): This is such a common post I think the Moderators should set up a site or seperate page that deals with the "porn widows" as I call them!.
It's a really taboo subject for some people and then others like myself see it as just another tool of inspiration and merely a sexual aid!.
Ok, Anon I think you should search over the last few days of posted questions and you will see how common a concern this is. You should get a lot of info and advice from the Agony Aunts replies, its a good way of getting a large amount of opinions in one hit. So thats my suggestion it should be a great help for you.
I have started to become concerned for us so called "Modern Women". We claim that we have become more confident and that we are much more self assured in ourselves, but the fact that this type of question ("my husband looks at porn and it hurts me"), keeps comming up on here leads me to think that we really are not as modern or as accepting as we make out to be.
I assure all the women out there that when a man looks at porn, it does not reflect how he feels about you. Porn has come about due to a huge demand, and the fact that the internet is more or less solely used to view and offer porn is no coinsidence!.
I am only expressing my opinion here and do not represent all of the Aunts at all.
I'm 27 years old, I have a 4 year old Son and im married. I have squeezed alot into my life in a very short space of time. And when I discovered that my Husband had looked at porn I shrugged it off!. Its a free country just because someone views porn it does not make them a nasty dirty person. Its one of the most naturaal insticts that we have and I think it should be encouraged!. although the women in these sites are all apparently perfect, its only because they were so insecure that they went under the surgeons Knife to have numerous operations!. And to be honest most of the women on those sites look totally hidious and unatural!. which is quite intresting in itself. Now I consider my Husband to be a typical Blokey, Bloke, but when asked if he preffers fake looking stick thin women with huge out of proportion tits or natural looking womenw ith real boobs, (strech marks and all!) he always says natural everytime!. But when he veiws porn its always of these hidiously altered women!. I think its because a Mans brain is programmed to be attracted to women with large breasts, but theres the attraction of this dirty, nasty, sex loving, self mutalating female that will do anything to make a man happy! and this woman does not not exist!. evolution would not allow it!, surely if all women were as easy as the women in these porn films then sex would not be such a tabboo. It would be happening all over the place!, public parks, zoo's, supermarket's, gardens the list is endless!.'But if that was reality then sex would become almost a loathed and boring practice after a while and we would all become extinct!.
Which leads me back to my original thought, porn is veiwed as tabboo because of the lack of reality portrayed in them!. so we should all get over the concern of our partners looking at such images, because its entirley and utterly UNREALISTIC!. WHICH IS WHERE THE INTRIGUE LIES!.
ok I know this is a long post, but I felt that it needed to be said. and I hope that alot of women will get some closure from reading this. I've written it how we all see it. so enjoy.
Good luck in everything you do.
xx
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reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 Hi,
There a lot of valied points on here, even the last poster that was a tad harsh. But the truth is that your husband may well look at porn and his ideal woman's figure may not be like yours, but you are the one he loves. The women on those sites are few and far. You dont see them doing there shopping on a Saturday do you?. Would you prefer he was eyeing up anyone that looked like you, that would surely be worse because he would actually have a chance with them.
I dont mind my partner looking at porn, I cant see the point of stressing over it. And I would rather he did it in front of me, than hide it behind my back.
I am not saying that you are wrong in your veiw's but the fact is most men enjoy looking at it. I dont think you will find any man that would prefer a figure like yours or mine or any normal woman, to the ideal figure of a porn star. But that doesn't mean that they dont love us does it?
I like to look at Jonny Depp, but I love my partner even more, I think he is sexy even though he is losing his hair and has a little fat tummy. We all have our faults and flaws dont we?
XX
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reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 April 2008):
Damn right you should be angry with him. I know some women wouldn't mind, and I know some men wouldn't think it was a big deal, but I agree with you - it's a betrayal.
However, I do not think it is a huge one, and it's totally not worth splitting up over.
OK, so two things...
1. He has some serious making up to do. Tell him how hurt it has made you feel. Tell him you don't feel sexy any more because of this. Tell him you're scared he will want to leave and find some 18 year old stick insect. You'll feel hurt for a long time but give him a chance to earn your forgiveness.
2. I AM NOT EXCUSING HIM HERE AT ALL. He should be on his knees begging.... BUT, I do think you are having an over strong reaction. He's not going to be happier without you. He's not going to NOT find you sexy.
In my experience men see different women in different ways.
He might see you as sexy because you are his wife, his soulmate, the mother of his children. He's not going to see you as a little slutty cheerleader.
I think when he said he was looking at a fantasy women, he meant that they weren't real. They were just moving pictures on a screen, who never go to the loo, or go shopping, or do washing up, or have a personality, or do anything other than lie on a bed and say "Oooh!"
I don't think he meant he was looking for his ultimate fantasy woman. He was just looking for something different and unreal. Something he wouldn't go near in real life.
So my advice is this...
Talk to him calmly about how angry you are and how hurt and scared you are by it. Tell him he can be forgiven but he has to show you that you are the one for him.
Then go and get yourself some new clothes, some nice spa treatments, anything to make yourself feel like the sexiest woman on earth. Go home looking fabulous and show him what he's risking losing.
He'll soon be on his knees begging.
Good Luck!! xx
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