A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am a 25 year old guy. I am about 5'8" tall and weight around 220lbs. By medical standards that is obese! Probably the first thing that you will tell me is "lose weight!" well, I should and I am trying right now.However, I feel very uncomfortable about my physics and my face, especially when I go to bars/clubs and see guys who look physically much better than me. As a result, I never approach ladies at all! being shy makes the situation even worseWhat should I do?Thanks
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confidence, self esteem, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 June 2011):
 i personally am attracted to beefy guys... not muscular but guys with a little extra weight on them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): 2 things eat paleo and do crossfit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you all. Female responses were encouraging and male responses were motivating! Thanks!
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A
female
reader, littleBB  +, writes (5 May 2011):
Go to the gym like someone has suggested that is better, most women, me included don't like skinny men. Besides only stupid people are rude to overweight people, smart people should see your inside beauty. I am sure in this society you also need outer beauty but you don't sound that overweight, so don't create problems for yourself by being shy with ladies. Don't indulge into self pity over your weight, stay positive instead, the people who have more success with women are those with a healthy self esteem and who love themselves in a healthy way!!!! Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I agree wtih largentsgirl.. work on making yourself happy. I too am "obese".. after 5 pregnancies my weight has been hard to get off. I try to take small steps on the path to feeling good.. I focus not on weight loss but on being healthy. One day under my belt of healthy eating and a walk, and my confidence is through the roof. I believe if you feel good about yourself, you will attract people to that. The rest just seems to fall into place. Be yourself, be sincere and kind, and try to make yourself feel good.. exercise makes a world of difference for me. Good luck! A lucky lady is right around the corner I am sure.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Concentrate on yourself. Work on making yourself happy, if you are happy with yourself then other people will be too. Don't go to the bar/club if it makes you that uncomfortable, I don't feel comfortable in the bar/club scene either. Too many stupid people go there.
I agree with what caringguy says. Follow that advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): I gained a lot of weight right after I left university and I have to say people do treat you differently when you're fat. It's not PC to say so, but it is true. People often assume that you're less intelligent and sometimes you're ignored.
All that said, you can work on your confidence and social skills in the meantime...I'm just not sure a club is the best place.
Why do you feel uncomfortable in bars in clubs? I doubt it's all the other guys...I think a lot of it has to do with the place itself. I feel uncomfortable in those places as well. It's hard to meet and talk to anyone there.
As for losing weight, I agree with Cerebus. Don't think of it as "losing" think of it as "gaining" certain behaviors. This was the mindset that ultimately worked for me. Instead of focusing on what you can't eat, can't do, or the amount of weight that has to disappear, focus on what you can do and what you can add to your routine.
Do weight lift.
Do eat healthier food. (You might have to purge your cupboards)
Do opt to take the stairs rather than the elevator or walk to work rather than take the bus.
Personally, I started registering for long distances races ...and training for them. 7 years later, I'm still hooked. I known I'll never win any of these races. I remember crossing the finsih line of a half marathon, only to be lapped by an ethiopian runner finishing his full marathon...but it's very inspiring to me to watch people push themselves.
As for meeting women, I think taking care of yourself and gaining confidence go hand in hand. I've met men at the gym. I like to go on running dates. In fact, I'm running a local race with a guy on Saturday. I think if you take care of yourself, you'll gain access to a lot of women...they just won't be at the clubs or the bars. That isn't neccessarily a bad thing.
Good luck and tell us how it goes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Actually no, don't lose weight, tone and build a small bit of muscle instead.
OP losing weight isn't going to improve your physique, losing weight is something more suited to women because they want to have slender and have slim physiques. So unless you're goal is to be a skinny stick, like a marathon runner then focusing on losing weight on its own is a waste of time.
I've been working out for a few years now. I did it because I was quite fat and had a huge gut. I wasn't happy with my physique at all. So I set about changing that. I have literally only checked my weight once in all those years, because it's simply not important at all.
If your physique and face are what you want to change then they're the things you have to look at not the weighing scale.
What you do is focus on gaining strength, gaining endurance, stamina, power. That's what gives us guys confidence, that's what changes our physique into a manly figure that woman want grab and salivate over. I'm not talking about body building OP, I think that's over the top, plus most girls I know don't really like that kind of physique anyway.
Look OP getting that physique is truly the easiest thing I've ever done in my life, it just takes time and patience, that's all. But it really is unbelievably easy and you don't have to change your lifestyle too much either. Just buy a set of dumbbells, a chin up bar and a skipping rope/jump rope. Cut out the junk food during week days, eat a lot of high protein foods and just keep an eye on the portions you eat.
All you do then is about an hour of weights, chin ups and half an hour skipping afterwards. Do this every second day or when you're muscles have recovered from the last session. That's it OP, nothing to it. You do this and you make sure you eat enough food to compensate for the extra exercise and you just watch as your physique changes.
The first thing you will notice OP is about 4-6 weeks your muscles and body will feel healthier and stronger, the exercise will be incredibly easy for you and you will literally see the difference, you will be able to do heavier weights. Another few weeks after that and you will be able to up your weights again, you'll be able to see your muscles start to show under your skin, they'll feel harder and stronger. It's at this point you will start to just feel powerful, you'll notice a complete change to your physique as everything is easier to do, lifting things, climbing stairs, running for the bus, every minor physical thing will be ten times easier. OP that feeling of overall physical change is far more powerful than just looking at a weighing scale or how your physique looks, although you will see a big difference in it and constant change after about 3 months.
The thing which gave me the greatest confidence was my improved strength and fitness, I felt that straight away. I started for the same reasons you did and I found that to be far more of a motivation. I mean I went from fat with soft muscles and out of breath running for the bus, to toned trim with a six pack, to strong hard muscles and 8 times the strength as I had when I started and now I just run past the bus to wherever I'm going instead.
The hardest part of all is getting started. But trust me, push yourself to do this for a month and you'll never want to stop, the endorphin rush you get from it is almost as good as sex and sometimes better hehe.
Don't set goals, don't look at the weighing scale, just do it, make your goal doing it and you will achieve it every time and before you know it you'll have the trim, tight muscular physique that you want but most importantly you'll feel strong and that's what gives us guys a feeling of powerful confidence, not looking at the weighing scale like a woman and fitting into your skinny jeans again or your high school prom dress. We're guys, we get much more of a buzz from strength and power.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Stop " tryng ". Tryng implies the possibility , the probability ,in fact ,of failing.
When you decide to get out of your apartment, you don't "try" to get out . You decide to do it,then you put one feet in front of the other, reach the door and go out.
You DETERMINE to lose wight, commmitt to a healthy, non punitive diet and exrecise routine, be patient and consistent and watch the pounds roll off you, maybe slowly, but steadily.
Perhaps I should give you a pep talk and tell you to go out there and challenge yourself and approach any girls you meet , because " beauty is only skin deep ", " nothing ventured nothing gained " etc. etc. It's true but, since you also have to contend with your natural shyness, maybe
it would be a bit too much, dealing with shyness and a poor self esteem and , pardon my bluntness, a weight that it's objectively too high both by medical standards and current aesthetic criteria.
You don't need to wait until you become a runway model before socializing and being around women. Just until you see the first
results of your slimming efforts, just loosing the first 15, even 10 pounds, will give you such a powerful injection of self confidence that you'll feel all different.
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female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Hello,
You ask what you should do? OK, then I would forget about the bars and clubs that make you feel uncomfortable. Just concentrate on your weight loss. As your weight goes down, you will feel much better and better. You see, the thing causing you the sadness is your weight. So, if you begin losing your sadness will begin to turn into happiness. I know from personal experience that Weightwatchers produces incredible help and tramsformation for people. Just concentrate on a trusted weight loss programme. If you stick to their plans, they DO WORK. Yes, they work. Period. All the best and take care! xx
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