A
female
age
30-35,
*xcbabiegal
writes:Heyy guysI have a big problem on my hands that i really need some advice on. Me and my other half who have been together for quite a while have decided to get married, the wedding isnt until 2012 but its already being planned however all of his mates really want him to have a a guys stag do, with stippers and one of them even suggested he should shag someone else while hes away.I dont know what to do because he doesnt seem to understand how much of a problem i have with it and i know that if he does do it, i wont want to marry him and i wont be able to forgive him. How can i make him understand that???My own hen night is just a weekend away at a spa with my bridesmaids and close friends, and i would never even think of going to a place like chippendales, even though hes suggested he wouldnt mind if i did,Im really stuck, please help me :(
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female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Regards to male anonymous, strippers are NOT essential we live in the 21st centuary if a woman isn't okay with that it doesn't happen end of. Just talk to him about it it's no big deal, if he loves and respects you it will also be no big deal for him not to do it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 October 2010):
 So this party is nearly 2 years off? I wouldn't worry about it right now; you have plenty of other things to worry about.
I expect his friends are fully aware of your reaction and are winding you up to see just how upset and shrill and hysterical they can make you seem. A great way to try to make the girl look bad is to turn her into a shrewish harridan who carries emasculating shears and a tongue that can shred a man to pieces in just a few words. Don't be that girl.
And honestly, I can only imagine how 2 years of worrying about a potential non-issue will make you seem to him. Fearful, naggy and mistrustful are NOT sexy, attractive things. Let it go, drop it, you have more than made your point with him.
Worry about it in 2 years, by then, some of these guys may have grown up and will stop trying to make you nutso.
Take care now.
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A
female
reader, sxcbabiegal +, writes (30 October 2010):
sxcbabiegal is verified as being by the original poster of the question For everyones information, the stag/hen does arent happening until 2012 either its just that his friends are already talking about it. I do trust my fiance, more than anything or anyone i have ever trusted and it is, his friends i do not trust who are so much less mature than him and may, try to put pressure on him to do something stupid that may in exchange cost him his relationship with me. im just scared because i do not want to loose him, and i know if he even kissed someone else i dont think i could forgive himThank you for all your help guys, i think i may, as youve suggested, talk to him about it and either ask that we maybe have a joint party or, draw the line at strippers. I know that if he cheats i will not forgive him and i will not marry him, thats alreayd final in my mind. I just hope his friends respect my wishes as well as him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Whilst it's far too soon for a stag party or a hen's night.
There is a certain tradition that most males like to adhere to when one is done.
The strip club or strippers are essential. This is how it has been done for generations. No woman has ever like it.
But having strippers does not count as cheating. It never did. It's simply his friends honoring the death of the bachelor he was and sending it off with a bang. By showering him with all the positive things that come with being a bachelor.
He's giving them all up to be with one woman. It's a big thing for men.
The whole 'sleeping with someone else whilst away' is just stupid and he doubtless realises it.
So long as it's only strippers... who are paid to dance, you can't even touch them... then you have nothing to worry about.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Hi
Don't let talk spoil your future. Just say you draw the line at him having sex...but the rest well...let him have fun his way, he is a free spirit and a lead should not be put on him just because he is marrying you. You should have fun too....arrange to be the stripper just a thought.
Hold the sand too tight in your hand and it will spill through your fingers...leave palm open and it stays. Trust ! let his friends be who they are and don't take it so serious.
good luck
spunky monkey
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (29 October 2010):
It is within your rights to tell him you're not happy with him behaving like that before his wedding. Stag do's and what not are okay for some, some are really into the idea and enjoy it, if both people in the relationship want this then that's okay. Personally, I wouldn't be okay with my man going to strip clubs before our wedding, nor would I want to marry a man that would want to do this! That's my opinion, everyone is different there is no wrong or right, just your view upon it and you have control over the situation.To me, I think for a man to go out the night before his wedding and do all of this stuff totaly defetes the object, and doesn't show that they want comitment. As for the 'shagging' another girl, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has very nice friends, what did your boyfriend say about this? It's up to you what goes on before your wedding, and if your boyfriend is stubborn about it or goes ahead and does something that makes you uncomfortable, then I say don't marry him he's not the one.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 October 2010):
Out of curiousity, why are you doing these parties in 2010, if the wedding isn't until 2012? A lot can happen between now and then, and maybe it would be prudent to wait until 2012 for the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Have an engagement party and invite all your friends, his and yours, celebrate the engagement but then leave the other, true end of singlehood parties until 2012. Problem solved, at least until 2012, at which time some of his wilder friends may have been tamed by their own lionesses.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Joint bachelor and bachelorette parties are starting to be popular in America. Females aren't comfortable with the best man dragging their hubby to be to the strip clubs..so they make it coed, get a party bus, or limo that transports their drunk selves from bar to bar. That way drinking is still involved and there's plenty of women so no need for a strip club.
Now, I do agree with everyone else..you should be able to talk to him and tell him you're not comfortable with it. Maybe suggest the bachelor/bachelorette party. However, you can't tell him what he's going to do for his bachelor party..you can't tell him what to do until you get married even then you have only so much say so. It's possible he'll compromise and agree to no strippers.
If he cheated on you with a stripper, which is highly unlikely to happen then it's a no go on the wedding. However, if he ends up going to a strip club for his bachelor party there's no need to call off the wedding because he didn't listen to you. Remember why you're marrying him in the first place.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (29 October 2010):
Is it his friends you don't trust, or him? If you don't trust him then you have some serious issues with your relationship and maybe you need to deal with that rather than this problem of the stag do.0
But if it is his friends you don't trust then try and remember just because his friends are being "lads" it doesn't mean anything suspicious will happen. He will most likely have a great time with his friends and it will all be innocent fun.
I've only known one person to sleep with someone on one of these kind of parties and it was the hen on her hen weekend!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Just because one of his mates suggested he sleep with someone- doesn't mean that's what he wants to or will do. If you want to marry him then surely you can trust him enough to know that he won't do anything.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Well you just need to sit down and have a chat with your finace about this, and tell him how you feel.
Bear in mind that because you are so young, I am presuming his mates are around the same age too hence that comment of "shagging someone else" while they are away is just boys talk, boys in their teens/early 20's like to egg each other on and be the most macho, so whoever said this will have just been messing around trying to be the funny one. Just because a friend of his suggests he sleep with someone else, it does not mean that your fiance will actually do this!
You should have a higher opinion of your boyfriend than that - if I were your boyfriend I would be quite offended that you actually think he will do this to you!
If all his stag do was just getting drunk and going to a strip club for a few hours, it is not really such a big deal. But cheating is absolutely a big NO NO, you are comitting to each other for life, this means no cheating before or after the marriage ceremony. So explain to your fiance that you dont have a problem with his stag do, he can go and have fun doing what he wants but you draw the line at cheating as there is no excuse no matter what the circumstance for cheating. And if he does cheat, then the wedding will be off. As long as he knows that he can have fun but there is a limit to what you will put up with, then he should be fine and stick to it.
But if you start saying things like "why cant you have a quiet stag do like my hen do" or "I dont want you to go out on a boys night out before our wedding, I want you to do something, more sensible" etc he will just get annoyed and think you are ruining his fun. He is a young guy with young friends, all they want to do is have a few beers and have a laugh. By telling him that he "cant" do this, it will get him even more annoyed and will make him want to go ahead and do it more just to prove you cannot control him.
So think about it this way - it is just a night out, like any other boys night he will have been on while you have been together. They will go to a few bars and get drunk, maybe have some food, and then possibly finish the night in a strip club, where they will soon find that they cant actually touch the strippers, they can just watch them dance and that is it. It is also quite expensive so they will run out of money quickly somewhere like that, and will spend no more than a couple of hours looking at girls in their underwear. It is no different to him looking at a girl in her underwear in a magazine advert, or seeing one on TV except she is just closer to him and real. Strip clubs really should not get you worked up, the reason men go there on stag do's is just because it is their last chance to have a good laugh with their mates before they are married and have to settle down. When they go to these sorts of places they just tend to dare each other to get private dances, drink a heck of a lot and laugh a lot. None of them are there as a sexual thing - basically it is just a bit of a tradition that they find funny, they are not sat there wishing "oh I wish I wasnt getting married and could go to bed with her" etc.
So try and accept that he is just going on a fun boys night out, it might involve strippers but even so it does not mean you have to feel threatened by it. So make it clear to him you are happy for him to go and have fun with the boys but there is to be no cheating otherwise the wedding is off. That should get through to him, and he will appreciate that you are being accepting of his last boys night out as a single man.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Ok it is one thing having a big guys night out, drinking loads maybe even having a stripper is ok, so long as it's just a bit of harmless fun. But for him to have sex with someone else would be cheating and completely not acceptable. You need to tell him this in no uncertain terms. Marriage is a big deal. You should both be fully committed to each other and respect each others feelings. If he is unable to do this and still wants to be jack the lad, is he really ready to get married? Talk to him about this. Only you can decide where the boundaries lye in your relationship. If you are really unhappy with a stripper, he needs to respect that. But peer pressure can influence a guy so he probably doesn't realise how hurtful this could be to you. He thinks it's fine because all the other guys think it is. Just don't let him think that having sex before your wedding with a random is in any way accpetable, just because it's a stag night. It's this kind of stupid behaviour that destroys marriages before they have begun. He needs to decide if he's ready to grow up yet or not.
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