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female
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anonymous
writes:I have been married for 27 years and a while ago my husband told me that the biggest regret of his life was that he hadn't had sex with more women. He had always lead me to believe that he had only been with me, but during this odd conversation I found out that there had been 1 other girl before me. I now feel very differently about him, I thought that we had had a good life together with the odd bad patch. But I don't know how to feel better about this. Reply to this Question
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reader, Tom14916  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 I'm 52, been married for 25 years, and I suspect that what your husband is looking for, maybe unconsciously, is more intimacy - with YOU. By intimacy, I mean that he wants "wilder" sex with you - more BJs, more HJs, more licking, tongueing, sucking, frequency and variety. He needs you to need him, sexually. Men LOVE women to be sexually assertive.
Why now? Careers, kids, homes, bills, taxes, etc. take their toll. After just a few years of marriage you find that you don't have as much time for intimacy as you did when you were dating. But sexual intimacy is like food and sleep. Men NEED it, or we eventually start acting weird, it's biological. Telling you of his regrets sounds like he's really saying "burned out, getting old, want to start over again, want more sex." I hope it's with you. But don't be surprised if he's hornier now than he was when he was half his age. Seriously, healthy men don't just fade away, and your husband sounds like he's trying to tell you that he's not getting what he needs.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Have you two talked about this since that first conversation?
I am in two minds about this for you. It's sort of good news/bad news and I guess it depends a lot on you and how he is behaving right now.
Okay, so the bad news is obvious. He has told you you were not his first and that he wishes he had had the opportunity to have sex with other women. That's pretty devastating news, if you have been humming along happily thinking everything is just peachy keen. There is this thing called retroactive or retrograde jealousy that affects both men and women, and it is basically intrusive thoughts of the previous partners or sex causing emotional distress to the current partner. I started a thread on it because it was affecting so many posters here. You might find some of the posts helpful. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
The other aspect of this is his telling you he wished he had had sex with other women, and by that I take it to mean that he'd sown some wild oats before settling down.
Or did he mean he was wishing for sex with other women NOW? That's a very different thing actually, but I'll address that a little bit later.
So what can the good news possibly be, I hear you thinking to yourself. Where in this question is an iota of good news? Well, I think the fact that he felt comfortable enough to tell you these deepest secrets is actually a promising thing. I don't know if the revelation came out in the midst of a fight or if it was just something he decided to express one day. That detail may help us understand what's going on a bit better.
The thing is that he told you how he felt. I think lots of people have regrets about paths not taken, especially later in life. The mid-life crisis thing hits lots of people, men can be pretty devastated by it because as they get older and their bodies stop producing as much testosterone, they start to feel less masculine and strong. They lose confidence that they've made the right choices, they realize they are at the peak of their careers and well-past their physical prime, both sexually and from a fitness standpoint. It's pretty daunting to realize you are well beyond your 'sell by' date and things just go downhill from there. It takes a strong psyche and a strong sense of self to get through it with any grace, not many manage without a struggle.
Your guy told you what he was thinking. Some men never can admit that vulnerability and instead go out and try to defeat death and defeat the loss of their youth and virility by trading in for a younger partner, or by suddenly taking foolhardy risks. By no means all men do this, don't get me wrong, just some might lose their path in this shocking self-esteem destroying realization.
Your guy was able to articulate this to you and alas, I don't know in what context he delivered this jarring news. Was it a fight and he was aiming to hurt you? Or was it more of a philosophical discussion where this came up?
If it was a fight, then he's done a great job at upsetting you. If it was not a fight, then he feels connected to you enough to tell you these deepest darkest thoughts. That's opening up and revealing a true vulnerability. He trusts you with his bad thoughts. It's not nice to hear bad thoughts, of course, but it is good to know what he's thinking, rather than being kept in the dark, right?
If he is now out trying to sleep with other women, you have a problem, or I guess technically, HE has a problem that he is making yours. Then you are in a situation of navigating the tricky shoals of infidelity, and I think you would have to seek marriage counseling for the two of you.
Could you please give us a little more information so you can get better advice? I've conjured up a way to look at this situation which hopefully will give you a positive way to approach the situation, but if I have guessed wrong, then it's meaningless, after all.
Best wishes as you come to terms with the effects of over-enlightenment.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 October 2010):
 He's having a mid-life crisis. As hard as this may be, don't take it personally. This time in life causes men to do weird things, like buy a sports car, change his wardrobe, and cheat/divorce his wife because he's afraid he's missed out on the last vestiges of his youth.
This is no excuse, however, for the way he's made you feel. So I suggest this - if he wants a mid-life crisis, so be it, but take some time and act one out on your own! How would he feel if you decided that YOU missed having sex with other multiple guys? Update your hairstyle, wardrobe, new hobbies, etc. Not to please HIM, however, but what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
The good news about a MLC is that it does pass, and he'll realize that he's not like the other libertines out there who die alone because they wanted to be perpetual boys.
Go have the mid-life crisis with him! Take off to Vegas or Hawaii! The kids are older or gone, so have a party!
As far as the 1 other girl before you, that was what, 30 years ago? Apparantly, she didn't matter to him, because he's with you.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Well, in what context did he say this to you? Possibly when you guys had a fight/argument about something and this was said in a fit of anger? Because very often things that are said in anger are just meant to hurt the other person.
You know what, instead of thinking of the worst, just wait for a bit and when you think the time is right, ask him why he said this. Tell him that it really hurt you. I'm sure he didn't think this through...but do talk to him. Communication gaps are the biggest problems...talk and sort it out
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): first and foremost i am sad for him that he didn't try out with a minimum of 10 to 15 girls before he found you. But he made his decision. He needs to get over it, and stand by his committment he made to you 27 years ago. And he chose vibrant, loyal, loving and faithful you. Have you kept pace with image of the woman he married? Have you become too prudish for your own good? Good marriages include lots of fun together, and that includes sexual fun. Could the two of you, together, get out of the tv chairs and start working out together? Being fitter will pique his interest in you. All such things help your relationship. Get your hair and makeup restyled and hair coloured. Surprise him with a candle light dinner at home. Surprise him often. And what a wonderful man you married. From your perspective you should be so proud of your good man that he has been faithful to you for 27 years. Go check out your wardrobe, are you dressing in a contemporary way or are you slipping into dowdy? Fix that now. Now he needs a little more excitement on his life. So become that flexible evolving exciting woman.
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female
reader, carra +, writes (29 October 2010):
 It's normal that men see themselves as conquistadors with many beautiful women lying at their feet, looking out in adoration. And he might feel like he's missed out on some of the fun his mates had (or are still having) with the women.Do not over analyse it and if you wish to make it better, you can try role-playing and be another woman for a night.Or you can decide to go out to a bar and let him pick you up (while you pretending you don't know him).It will bring the spark back and you'll surely enjoy it.
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