A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! I've got a question for the ladies here: do you tell your partners that you masturbate? What is their attitude? Is this topic off limits? The reason for me asking is oh my gosh here we come - my mother has gone through my things sometime ago and has found my toy! (thank god I have hidden the other ones lol, so she only found one :)) We had a somewhat heated discussion about it, she asked me whether my boyfriend knows about it to which i have replied yes. She thinks it is totally wrong and unacceptable and that a guy from a good family with good upbringing would be disgusted with that! Well I myself come from a rather conservative family, but I guess I am a naturally very curious person, I've masturbated since I was 11, tried a threesome, have got toys, enjoy anal sex and share my experiences with my boyfriend. My boyfriend comes from a good family too, and he in turn has tried many things in his life too. Does that make us bad people? I guess not but my mothers words make me think that what I do is wrong and that she is being judgmental. My boyfriends family are very conservative too, and to be honest he is not very open with them, and I think now that I do understand why! Because if he told them about his experiences they would not understand him!I guess I just want to know that I am not the only one who thinks that it is degrading to discuss your sexual experiences with your partner/husband. I would especially be glad to hear from people who were married for a long time, what are your opinions? Can a man still respect you and treat you right if in the bedroom department you are "slutty" (in a good way :))Thanks a lot!!Lisa x
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anal sex, his ex, my ex, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your replies! I feel a little bit reassured now. I guess it is time when I dont share EVERYTHING with my mother like I used to, she was and is my best friend, but sex topic should be off limits.
Thank you so much again!
XXX
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): You are in your 20s and your mother is going through your things? Wow - you need to get away from that situation and quick. That is a bad invasion of privacy. Mothers who make their daughters feel like they are 'dirty', 'guilty' or 'disgusting' about sex either in their teens or 20's are doing a lot of damage. You have every right to masturbate and I wish I'd discovered it earlier ;-) You also have the maturity to discuss all things sexual with your boyfriend which shows it is YOU with the healthy attitude and not your Mother.
My Mother told me you should only have sex with the person you are going to marry and made me feel like I would be a tart to do anything other. Guess what? I married the person I lost my virginity to and 10 years later, when I realised we were sexually incompatible and he was emotionally abusive we got a divorce.
Stick to your own view and get a lock fitted on your door - or better still move out.
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A
female
reader, lolo89 +, writes (8 December 2008):
 nothing wrong with a experimental and fun sex life as long as it works for you
you need to set your own standards and rules for yourself in life.
and yes i feel its ok to share things like masturbating with your partner....how are you supposed to tell him what you like if you dont know what you like yourself?
in a good healthy relationship you should be able to voice everything and say exactally how you feel.
hope this helps
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A
female
reader, babewithbrains +, writes (8 December 2008):
 Hmmmmm... depends, depends..
I talk to my boyfriend about sex and masterbation and the like on messenger... I told him about everything... It depends on who you're talking to. If you and your boyfriend talk about it then go for it - we're all in the same boat really.
It's(no offence) not really you're Mums business that you masturbate.. Im 12 and I masterbate... my boyfriend does too - its no big deal.
Jelly
xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Ask your mother if she would like to borrow a toy? Sounds like she is repressed. Orgasm works wonders!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 December 2008):
 One more thought for you, don't get into an argument with your mother about this anymore. Just tell her that you've listened to everything she said and can appreciate her point of view. Thank her for being such a concerned parent and then give her a hug. Don't get any more specific than that. If she gets the idea that you've reformed your ways, well, why disabuse her of that notion?
Move out, or get a lock on your door, and hide those toys better!
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 December 2008):
Actually, I think you are safe in telling your mother that what you do in your own bedroom (or kitchen, or lounge, or bathroom) is absolutely none of her business. You're an adult, you have made your own choices, thank you very much, they are working for you and you see no need to discuss them with her.
And for heaven's sake, is that last question serious? A sane man would think he'd won the lottery if he found a girlfriend like you. Don't let your mother succeed in messing up what sounds like a healthy and adventurous sex life. (I don't get threesomes, but if you've managed them without an issue, I don't have anything to say about that.)
What other couples do and don't do have nothing to do with your own relationship with your guy. There's not a relationship blueprint that everyone has to follow; the only rule is that if it doesn't hurt anyone, if you are both sane and consenting adults free to make your own decisions, the only rule is don't discuss your sex life with your conservative and easily shocked mother. I rather pity your father. ;) But whatever works for them, right? I shouldn't be judgmental or assume facts not in evidence myself.
So stop stressing about this, don't let her or anyone (including us) mess up a healthy and happy relationship by insisting that things have to be a certain way. It's between you and your boyfriend.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (8 December 2008):
It all depends on one's level of comfort. Myself, I don't think it's wise to discuss specifics of sexual encounters you've had with other people, nor should your partner give you intimate details of his.
However, I think it's perfectly fine and good to bring up things you'd like to try with your current partner.
As far as your mother, it is none of her business - you are a consenting adult. Let what she has said go in one ear and out the other. She is from a different generation, one that in general would be less tolerant and more judgemental than yours.
That being said, I am 47 with a 26 year old son. #1 I would never go through his things, #2 if he happened to leave a "toy" out and I happened to see it, I more than likely would never even acknowledge what I had seen, but merely chuckle to myself. He is a consenting adult, he has his own life to live, and it's none of my business - nor do I want to make it my business! Just as my sex life is private and none of his business (not that he'd want to make it his business either!!).
I don't think what you and your boyfriend have experienced together has made either of you "bad" people. On the contrary, you are both consenting and open to it. If you are both enjoying it, then you have a very healthy sexual relationship, and you are very lucky.
Though I think it's taboo in general to discuss past sexual experiences (unless your partner asks a specific question and you are comfortable answering it, such as, "have you ever had anal sex?"). However, that being said, if both of you are truly secure in your relationship and comfortable with openly discussing intimate details, then by all means do it! It's whatever the 2 of you decide and whatever the 2 of you are comfortable with that matters, not anyone else. Not your friends, not your family, certainly not your mother, not society, not the masses. If it's not hurting anyone else, go for it!
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