A
male
age
51-59,
*laine
writes:For the past couple of weeks my wife has been exchanging sexual emails with an old friend she found online. They had phone sex and even met up one day when she took the kids out to the cinema. I confronted her about it and she insists that although the sexual stuff was a stupid thing to do they are now friends and will remain friends. We argued (obviously) but I thought she had seen sense and wouldn't contact him anymore. After more discussions I agreed that as she wanted to remain friends (something I am not happy about) all contact must be through email and text message which I have access to and that under no circumstances must she phone him or meet up witt him.Is this the right thing to do or should I insist that it's me or the friend. We have been married 14 years and have 3 children.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 September 2007):
 That was a great follow up. We do take so much for granted. I schedule hours out of my week, just to make contact and let people know how much I appreciate them. Take care, and have a great future.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 September 2007):
I hate to say this because it's a difficult subject to talk about. This subject usually has a few things included. (1) An issue (2) a cause (3) a solution. The issue is the friend and what they did, stupid or not, was a form of cheating. So the issue is the friend, their relationship crossing the boundaries of their friendship is the cause (3) the solution, she has to refrain from contact with this friend. She may think it's stupid, but does he. Is he going to remain an issue. If she treasures the marriage, she'll choose that over this friendship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): Great job! That's the best follow-up I've ever read! I'm very proud of you. You deserve all the happiness in the world and now it sounds like you two are really making steps in the right direction. Congratulations for doing what many of us are too scared to do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): It is totally great that you got this result and I hope she continues to comply. Fantastic, well done!
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A
male
reader, Slaine +, writes (4 September 2007):
Slaine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for your replies and brutally honest opinions, that's what was i looking for.
Anyway, I took my stand and was perfectly reasonable about the whole situation(which took some doing) and I stated my case. I told her her attitude was wrong and she was not even considering how this was affecting me so she either stops what she is doing or we are through. She has stopped the nonsense and we had a good long, open and honest conversation about where the cracks were in our relationship and how we are going to solve them.
I guess this was a wake up call to both of us about how much we took each other for granted but also made us realise that to continue making our marriage work requires love, understanding, commitment, communication, friendship and honesty.
One again thank you all for your wonderful help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): My friend was also led to believe that she was imagining things, just friends etc. She thought she was going mad. Her husband screamed at her if she tried to stop him going out with this lady "friend".All you need to do is tell her calmly that you KNOW she is having an affair. Refuse to tell he how you know, just tell her you know, without any doubt whatsoever that this is the case. Tell her she is a liar and not dseserving of your love or family. Keep the children, don't let her get them by default. Either leave with them or get her out (difficult). You can be sure that she will try to stop you seeing them if you are the one who leaves and you leave the kids behind. She will poison them against you and you wil be left homeless without a family. Take your passports and birth certificates with you. Keep your children with you (I repeat) and if you have to leave do it calmly.PS - Why aren't you with them when they go out? Why is she putting her feelings for him above yours? Because this is an affair. Hire a private detective if you must, but for most people it would be obvious enough. She is the unreasonable one, you are quite correct so do not doubt yourself for a second. Just don't go and lose everything you have just because you won't open your eyes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): Wake up, sniff the daisies, your wife is having an affair. You have to tell her she is free to continue with it but must leave. Either that or leave yourself with the kids and refuse to come back until she confesses, apologies and begs for another chance. If you want her. Buy a book called Love Must Be Tough, on line. My very intelligent friend used it in your situation and it works like a charm.
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A
male
reader, AndreC.  +, writes (3 September 2007):
 You know what i say i say ur being a wuss and u need 2 stand up for urself because she is walking all over you and you dnt stand up for yourself go up to her and tell her straight in the face either its him or me and if she says him then you know that there was nothing you could have done to fix it int he first place be a man!!I have also done this with my gf once in the past before and she chose me without any second thoughts and if you have been married for 14 years then you have a good chance but if you dont say nothing then you pose no threat to her and she will continue to do what she likes!Stand up for urself please before its 2 late for you!Any questions feel free to msg me
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A
female
reader, auntyluuurve +, writes (3 September 2007):
 leave her. shes cheated on you (maybe not physically but still you know what i mean) and now she is not prepared to give up the guy she cheated with.
as you rightly said, she has never mentioned the guy in 20 years and now after three weeks cant bear to let go of him - why do u think that is? its not because hes her long lost best friend, long lost best friends dont have phone sex.
if you have been together with her all this time and now she wont give up her phone sex buddy i suggest it is because she is bored with your marriage and needs excitement.
leave her, tell her she can have him as much as she wants. clearly, she isnt interested in this man for anything more than sex and once this gets old she will want you back. LEAVE HER!
the more you keep going back and let her not give in to your demands, the more she knows she can get away with. no, you dont have a right to dictate who she is friends/'friends' with but if she wants to be friends with this guy so badly what does that say about her respect for your marriage?
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A
male
reader, Slaine +, writes (3 September 2007):
Slaine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi RJGirl, already gave her an ultimatum and she said he was her friend and I had no right to dictate to her who her friends should be.
I have told her I'm not happy about the texting and emailing, and that i am unhappy that she wants to contact him and she is still trying to persuade me that if she wants to meet him for coffee she will.
I dont know why she cant see that I'm threatened by this. Plus I know she was texting him last night as I checked her phone and all texts have been deleted and her credit has gone down. I dont know what to do because if I confront her about it she gets defensive and defends her relationship with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): Perhaps you should give her an ultimatum, him or you. She is not being fair to you, and she needs to stop being so selfish and consider your feelings. Let her know exactly how much this bothers you. Stand up for yourself and be firm. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Slaine +, writes (3 September 2007):
Slaine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not okay with it and my wife knows it. I agreed the compromise because I cant stop her contacting this guy. I found her out and she insists they are now friends and will remain friends. My wife hasn't spoken to this guy in 20 years and suddenly he's her best buddy. I've known her for 18 years and she has never once mentioned his name to me.
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A
male
reader, Slaine +, writes (3 September 2007):
Slaine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife is not happy with the 'no meeting or phoning' compromise. I would rather she didn't contact him at all but I cant stop her, hence the compromise. It's her insistance that he is only a friend that bothers me. The emails were overtly sexual and they had phone sex. This is not friendship as I understand it. She had no contact with this guy for 20 years and now she cant bear to have him out of her life after 3 weeks of getting back in touch. We have been together for 18 years and not once has she mentioned this guy. I feel threatened by this whole situation.
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A
female
reader, beautifultrustnlover +, writes (3 September 2007):
 if you cant trust her with him as she broke that trust than why let her think you are okay with it ?put your foot down and let her know how you feel if this keeps up than whats next real sex ??????? good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): I don't think you have done the wrong or the right thing. It's entirely up to you what's okay and what's not. If it makes you feel better to monitor your wife's emails and texts, then go ahead, as long as she is okay with it. As long as you both agree on the boundaries, no one here can argue with that. My husband allows me to check up on his email when I want because it makes me feel more secure, so as long as he is okay with it, there is nothing wrong with it. Even if you decided to tell your wife she can't contact this man at all, no one is going to tell you you're doing the wrong thing. It is completely up to you to decide what you're okay with and what you aren't. So, have a sit with your wife and figure out where you guys can draw the line where the both of you will be happy. Don't sacrifice your happiness for hers, and vis versa. I hope everything works out. Best of luck!
-RJGirl
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