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age
41-50,
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writes: I don't even know where to start, but here it goes; I am married to a man that constantly lies about EVERYTHING- and he breaks every promise that he makes. Each passing day I can feel my sense of self-worth and self-esteem grow weaker and weaker, and with each passing day my heart breaks a little more. I am only 30 years old, I have no children, and I am strongly considering divorce because I have put every ounce of my heart into this relationship and he just won't stop lying. Here's where it all started: I met my husband over 8 years ago and we've been together ever since. My husband is in the military, and he has been deployed since January of this year and he won't be home for another month or two. We got married in October of 2009, and I think I'm in over my head. First, let me say that I wasn't going to marry him last October because I had so many trust issues with him, but I felt so guilty about the possibility of him leaving without that "peace of mind"....and the ONLY reason for my hesitation was his lying- which he PROMISED would stop if I married him (Yeah, I do know how dumb I was to believe that...) I really do love my husband and he does have some good points- he LOVES animals and will do anything to help any animal, and he works very hard and pays all of the bills while I attend college full-time (I'm finishing my M.A. and going to Law School next Fall). My husband is very nice to me in front of my face, he would never physically abuse me, and I don't think he would ever just "leave" me.... now for the bad; My husband has always lied to me, has always broken promises to me, and had a long history of "looking-up" old girl friends and trying to "pick-up" other girls behind my back (although there has NEVER been physical contact with any of these girls according to him... I can't "prove" otherwise, so I'll "accept" that as the truth for now)My husband also talks badly about me to people on occasion; for example- telling the guys I'm a cheater and real bitch to deal with or telling other females how mean I am or what a whore I am- usually this leads to a "friendship" between him and the "female(s)" in question-(for the record I have NEVER cheated and I am VERY HONEST- I take a strong pride in my personal honesty and loyalty)I used to believe that my husband was a good man at heart, but I can't believe that anymore. I'm so deeply hurt inside; sometimes my husband will purposely "ignore" my emails and calls for DAYS on end (Yes, he has very steady and CONSTANT internet access where he is stationed, so it is not an issue of he "couldn't"...I know that for a fact)Most recently I found out that he has been lying to me about hanging out with other girls... he finally admitted that him and some guys were hanging out with these "waitresses" that worked at a restaurant on the base, but I recently found out that he has also been hanging out with at least 2 other girls that are military members...and he was VERY RELUCTANT to even admit that he knew who these girls were... and still denies even talking to them. I don't know if he's cheated on me, but I have to believe that he there is a STRONG Possibility that he has, otherwise he would be lying- right? I have ZERO trust and ZERO respect for him... I am afraid that if I stay in this relationship I will waste the few "good" years that I have left to find someone that will be honest and loyal. I cry everyday, and I literally cry myself to sleep every night. I have invested over 8 years into this relationship and my family just paid for the wedding last October- it costs my Dad over $20,000- My Dad works so hard for his money, not to mention that my whole family loves my husband (probably more than they love me, literally) How can I tell them I'm leaving or filing for divorce? I don't even want to leave, but I have no idea what to do, and my husband says he "cares" and doesn't want me to go, but shows no real effort to try and get me to stay....I know I should leave before it's too late and before children are involved. I feel like an absolute failure, an "unlovable" person, and a completely worthless being. My blood pressure has been elevated and my doctor keeps telling me that if I don't reduce my stress I will have full blown level 1 hyper-tension... I don't have any health problems, my stress is due to my situation and the emotional damage that it is causing me. I told my husband this numerous times... I know he believes me and understands, but he continues to lie.... He knowingly lies when he is aware that it is ruining our marriage, he continually lies when he knows that it's breaking my heart, and he continually lies when he knows that it's causing stress for me which is leading to health problems. How can he do his? Why? I could NEVER treat someone that I love so badly. I truly believe that I have done my absolute best and given 100% to this marriage and I don't know what else to do. Am I wrong by considering divorce? Are there any other realistic options out there? PLEASE- If you have any advice I am desperate--Bridget
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cheated on me, divorce, military, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bee4ever  +, writes (16 October 2010):
I am very sorry to come across your post. You sound like a very caring sweet person, your husband does not deserve you. I think he is being emotionally abusive with everything he is doing. He may say that he wants you but his actions are proving otherwise. Please stay strong. Make additional steps to get the emotional support you need to rid him. You say your parents adore him. I would have a talk with them and tell them that he is not there for you, this will help them understand and stand by your side when the times comes you'll need it most. You are already single in so many ways. You are strong enough to know what he's doing is not love please keep reminding yourself this when he pleads for your return.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I'm so sorry this has happened to you but i guess he's showed his true colours. Where is he currently deployed to? You say the connection is good out there, can he call back often etc...?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow... so I really thought that my husband couldn't possibly do any more to hurt me... boy was I wrong! While I was caring for our very large and untrained dogs yesterday afternoon I took a very bad fall. I can barely move my right arm because I somehow jammed my shoulder, and I think I tore something inside of it because I can't even lift my arm, I can't even manage to shift the gear shifter on a car with an automatic transmission. I have called him 6 times and he won't even return the call- instead that bastard checks the messages and ignores them!!!! There truly is a special place in hell for dirty bastards like him! I never thought I could feel so much anger and hatred towards one person until now. I can't believe what a horrible, uncaring, cruel, and immoral person he really is. I never had any idea that he was so selfish and heartless- but I sure know now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your kind words and support...I can honestly say that the responses I have received have given me more emotional support that my husband has since he left in January, Sad, but TRUE.- I am selling my engagement ring tomorrow (hopefully)- and that will be the first real step that I have taken to put an end to this marriage; I'm a very sentimental person, so I know once I see that ring go the reality will set in and my healing will begin. Thank you all so much & keep the advice coming- it really helps :-)
3 Bridget
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (14 October 2010):
It sounds like he has already mentally and emotionally left your marriage. He is treating friends better than you right now.
I'm sorry.
Absolutely consider divorce, but if it makes you feel better, legally seperate from him now. This gives you time to get used to it.
You deserve so much better. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): You are a strong lady and he'll be very sorry to have lost you. Too little too late! Hold your ground and find someone you can trust and will give you the respect you deserve because he doesn't deserve you. Live happily, good luck my dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for the advice- although it's not what I want to hear (ie; he loves you, he will change, your marriage can be saved...Tongue-In-Cheek) I think that a truthful outsiders perspective is just what I need- and again, I truly thank you for taking the time to respond. It's so hard to just walk away, but he has made no effort to communicate with me, he has not called or even tried to email me in 3 days, and I guess I just have to find a way to accept the fact that this is really over. My head tells me that both of you are right, my heart is still hoping you're wrong- but I guess we can all see the truth, I just have to keep my eyes open, even when it burns really badly :-(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): you should leave. a man that loves his wife would never act the way that he does. he does not love you, he does not respect you, he does not care about you, and he never will. i know how harsh that is but honesty can be brutal. my statement is raw honesty and i think thats what you need to move on. you will find better and he will never find another woman like you. honest and loyal women are hard to find. sounds like this guy hit the jackpot and just had to keep taking another spin. his loss. good luck and hang in there
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): It is rare to find a love so deep that it physically ails you. Your love for this person is unquestionably deep, and in this world it is near impossible to find someone that can truly love as you do. I do not believe that you are wrong for considering divorce, but I do think that if he does make a genuine attempt to save your relationship it may be worth another shot. So give it a day or two, but if he does not make a heartfelt attempt I do believe that you should leave. We can not make people love us, we can only love them and hope that they respond with love in return. Good luck to you, and I will keep you in my prayers.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 You are absolutely right in considering divorce. Without trust, there can be no marriage and your husband has broken that trust numerous times. He may seem like he still cares but if he did, he would not be lying to your face everyday and you would not have to let your heartbreak rock you to sleep every night. When a man talks about his wife dishonorably, it means he does not respect you. Your family should see your side of it, they should be on your side because this man is causing you near irreparable damage, physically and emotionally. Leave him and do not lose hope.
You have all the time in the world to find that man who is willing to love you wholly.
I hope that helps.
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