A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 26 year old male. I have been with my girlfriend (who is the same age) for two years now, we rent a place together and it has got to the stage where we are looking to buy somewhere. Obviously this means more commitment.I am worried because in the last few months I started to find one of her friends very attractive, I even started flirting with her. In addition, I bumped into an old female school friend of mine, and we met for lunch (which I kept a secret) and I also find her very attractive, I keep thinking about her all the time.My girlfriend is lovely, we get on like a house-on-fire and she has been very good for me while we've been together (helped me sort my life out). I know she would be devastated if we split up, but I am constantly thinking about being with other girls! Advice anyone?
View related questions:
flirt, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ladybug  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 Its 100% normal to be attracted to the opposite sex physically, but you must know your limits, you must realise that you have a girlfriend and you might hurt her if you cheat on her. You must identify your status with your girl. If you dont wanna lose her DONT CHEAT, and if you wanna CHEAT, split up with girlfriend, thats simply the possible moral solution. dont feel bad if you think she's devastated, feel bad if you continue involved with her while you are involved with another woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): i know a guy like you and he married this woman. now he cheats on her and thinks of all the ones that got a way! lose this relationship...play the field.
...............................
A
female
reader, laticia  +, writes (13 July 2007):
hi there!
i think you are just one of those people who really don't appreciate what they have.i mean a girl has done everything for you and all you can do to repay her-is go out to lunch with some other girl you are attracted to?
come on!think you should break off that relationship.
because you are going to hurt her in the near future. even in marriage you might cheat on her.
come on set her free for a more deserving person.
uyou are not ready to settle down!
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 It's not wrong to find other women attractive. You have eyes. The problem is in following that attraction. You have cheated on your girlfriend with these girls because you have given in to the attraction.
I say, either stop this, or leave your current girlfriend. I don't think you really want to be with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, LISAG +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Sounds to me that you may not be quite ready for committment. Grass is always greener BUT very different. I think you're at an age where you know yourself, but also wonder if there's something better out there for you !? Depends how many relationships you've had i think also.
You could kick yourself later on for passing your current g/f by. I think personally that people should spend more like 3/4 yrs together before making a serious committment. You can still be in a "honeymoon" period with someone at 2 years, depending how much time you spend together.
Living with someone is very different to seeing them 4/5 days a week, a few hours an eve. Trying out living together makes sure that "warts and all" you and your g/f can really get on together/bear each other. Why not just rent together to start with and see how it goes? It would not only give you time to assess how you feel, but it would also give her the much needed time too - she might not know what she's letting herself in for (joke). Beware she may take this suggestion as a rejection). If she's confident in herself she'll understand.
Then if all goes well and you dont later on feel like straying (attraction to other women will be there throughout your life - same for women attracted to other men), then take it from there. Bear in mind every relationship gets boring and exciting sex elsewhere can be just that, "exciting sex" - I think men/women are always going to be attracted to sex elsewhere once things get in a routine. Depends what you want and if you have a good thing already? The new "exciting sex" girl will after a while, feel like the comfortable relationship you have now. Depends who you want to settle with - at the end of the day sex is sex, personality of the woman is far far far more important for a long time connection coupled with great friendship, understanding and often shared passions/interests. These are the things that last the distance and create the amazing bonds in which you can be assured you have made the right choice.
Further to this, purchasing property is never a bad thing to do with someone else, as long as you have the legals drawn up correctly. It's not like you can't escape if you want to is it ? You will both have made money more than likely and you just move your seperate ways if that's the case. It's a win win situation money wise and experience wise.
...............................
A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Your situation is NOT unique. Look, if you stopped finding other women attractive, there would be something WRONG with you. So, that's not the issue. What does concern me is that you have started to dwell on this other friend of yours. That means one of two things usually
1) You are not ready to settle down at the tender age of 26
2) You are scared shitless of being in a committed relationship.
So... Let's take #1
1) I can tell you love this girl. She's probably the best thing to come into your life. In fact, whether you like it or not, she is probably the biggest part of your life right now. But it's funny...You stated
"we rent a place together and it has got to the stage where we are looking to buy somewhere. Obviously this means more commitment"
If I read between the lines of that statement (and I always do) I'd say you're just not ready for that kind of commitment. Commitment is a funny thing. It's a "C" word that usually goes hand in hand with two other "C" words. Communication and Comfort. If you have communication, but no comfort or commitment, it aint love. If you have commitment but not the comfort level you'd expect nor the communication, you're an idiot. If you have... Oh, I could go on and on... But the reality is, something may be missing. It may be her, but I'd wager it's you. It's tough at 26 to see yourself with the same woman forever in the 21st Century. I've been there. But from a man who has lost some really great women due to his wanderlust, you have to ask yourself a question... Is any fling with any woman you may meet or run into WORTH YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR GIRL? Do you really think you're trading up? Or is it lust? Because honestly, it's not the last time you'll be tempted. But as a MAN, not a boy, you have to decide whether or not it's the right thing to do, not only for you, but for your girlfriend. She'll pay the biggest cost initally, but you'll pay for it in the long run if your attraction is empty lust. Conversely, if you think you need some time to sow your wild oats... Do it... That's a question only one person can answer, and that's you. (And even then, you won't know if it was the right decision until some time passes).
2) You're scared shitless of commitment. - Don't sweat it. It's a scary thing, but look at your life with her on a day to day basis. Does she give you, not just what you need, but what you want out of a woman? Does she make you happy? Are you friends? Well if the answers are yes, then why f that up over new booty as we call it in Southern Cali?
Look, there's only one way to answer this question correctly, and I suppose I could if I could read your mind, or lived with you guys. But the reality is I can only make statements based on what you wrote and how you wrote it. My final analysis is that you have to get away for a few hours or days alone... And you have to determine honestly... Is it worth it? What means more to you? Your girlfriend or your freedom? (And remember... being single aint always being "free"... True love can set you free like you've never imagined...)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): 26 year olds are not girls, they are women. That you desire other girls clearly indicates your relationship maturity level.
You either really love your GF and tame your inner thoughts and don't entertain them overly long or you don't and want for freedom/singlehood.
Just, don't make it a habit to rip through those you love because you let your doubts and insecurities run rampant.
You are asking for trouble by meeting with women you have an attraction for and doing so slylly and behind your GF's back and implying guilt...you know better so what the heck are you doing?
...............................
A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 ok well in my opinion i think it is normal to find other people attractive its just a question of boundries. try and picture yourself not being with your girlfriend and wat your life would be like without her. you also need to decide whether you are IN love with her and dont just love her. flirting is healthy and normal but taking it further is where you need to seriously consider the relationship. i hope this helps feel free to get in contact if you want to talk about this more!
...............................
|
