A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering, how much action i should take or not take with my boyfriend and alcohol. hear me out.I was raised in a very religious home, i have never even SEEN alcohol outside of TV/ads/in the store. In highschool, I never was around the kids that drank, in college, ive made the same decision. My boyfriend drinks beer. He didnt when we started going out. And I told him once that I was proud of him for it. Somewhere along the way, he went out with friends... and came back a drinker. It got slightly worse (more frequent, not more drunk) after he turned legal. He doesnt get drunk, just tipsy... but i cant help it, i find it(beer) utterly revoltingI'm not sure what to do.... I respect that hes not getting drunk, hes being responsible, etc... but when I confronted him about it the first time... he was ready to break up with me rather than say he wouldnt do it again. (points for honesty at least)I KNOW alcohol is wrong. (by that I mean that the depth of my belief is to the point where everytime i think of it... i think for sure that it is wrong)I also know that it isnt... because I know we cant all have the same beliefs...but where do I compromise... and where do i make a complete stand before I do something i'll regret/ that will ruin my relationship later cuz i've bottled up my true opinions?-----just to add, -hes a pretty nice guy... he has other flaws, but those i can deal with, so its not like this is "the last straw"-this is my first relationship, and his first, its been 15 months-id rather he quit... cuz i cant imagine being without him
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): Most religions don't condemn alcohol per se, they just condemn getting drunk to the point where someone loses control of themselves and does bad things.Many people drink alcohol without ever getting to that point. so to paint all people who have ever drunk alcohol at all, into the category of "bad people" is unreasonable and extremist. How many times in the bible do you read about celebrations and festivities involving alcohol? many times! If I'm not mistaken, Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine at a wedding. So on what basis do you believe that alcohol is wrong, just like that?you need to examine your attitudes to alcohol more deeply and what it means to you, and whether these are your true values or if you're just being a muppet for other people's values who raised you and simplified everything into black and white for you because that's easier for kids to understand, but you're not a kid anymore. it's time to try to understand on your own.when you confronted him he was ready to break up with you rather than stop drinking responsibly. I think that's a very reasonable thing for him to say, because it's almost like you're saying you don't want him to ever drive a car because you believe car-driving is morally wrong since people do die in car accidents every day. You didn't want to compromise or stretch your intellect to examine your own values and where they come from, instead you blinded wanted your way. he saw that your views are extreme and inflexible and that's why he would rather break up with you.but if you try to work out a compromise then it's possible for this issue to be resolved satisfactorily. so where do you compromise? only you can decide. You need to figure out why you're so against alcohol, what does it represent to you? ask yourself what has to happen for alcohol to be OK?
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 As long as hes responsible non.violent and a good decision maker u should accept his choice. I hate booze too and can be a turn off but some women like men can still do it responsibly and have a good time.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (12 February 2012):
If you're religious, make him promise to switch to wine, and join him in a glass. The Bible says it's OK, as long as it's 'a little'. Look it up.
King James Version,
1 Timothy 5:23
"Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities."
My favourite wine is made from a variety of grape called Gewürztraminer (look it up in Wikipedia) and the best comes from a region in France called Alsace.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): Simple OP. Just make a rule that he can't drink in front of you, he can't be drunk in front of you and he's not to boast about drinking to you either.
That's that. You know he does it, you know he's going to do so responsibly for the most part and as long as he's not shoving that in your face or messing up your relationship in other ways then I'm sure things will be fine.
Just because you think drinking is wrong, don't let yourself become so judgemental that you that drinkers are somehow bad people because they drink.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 You Wish is right , I drink very very moderately myself, and I dislike being around people who drinks too much, or even drinks regularly or frequently, but all I can, - and I want ! - to do about it is.. staying away from bars , I am not going to stop people living their life as they prefer until they don't try and stop me to living mine as I prefer.
If you insist that your bf quits drinking , it would be the same as if he insists that you take up drinking : overbearing and inappropriate.
You have to decide how much of a deal breaker this is for you. If you pictured your ideal partner as a total non - drinker, then alas your bf is not the right person for you.
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A
female
reader, JAMR  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Hey there.
So, I understand where you are coming from, and by that I mean that I completely understand what it feels like when someone is doing something that you are completely against.
The problem is, and you said it yourself, we can't all have the same beliefs.
If you are in this relationship because you truly and deeply care for this person, than that is great. Relationships ARE all about compromise. But from the impression that i'm getting from your post, your not as willing to "compromise" as you are wanting to 'get your way' instead. And I don't mean for that to be harsh or rude.
If you are going to want this relationship to work, the only compromise that you could make would be to NOT adress this in such a 'one way or another' sort of attitude. You don't have to support his drinking, but you can't demand that someone change who they are.
Maybe express to him that you understand that he is having a good time, and you want him to be happy, of course, but drinking is something that bothers you, it's something you just don't understand the necessity of, and if he wouldn't do it so often, it would help to make you feel a little bit more comfortable about the situation, while NOT pressuring him into choosing all or nothing. You DON"T want to put pressure on any guy. trust me, they just get further and further away from you. If he cares about the relationship then I don't see why he wouldn't try to meet you half way. BUT you need to do the same, otherwise, i'm sorry, but you might need to think about what this relationship is even worth to you. Because if you're not comfortable with what someone is doing, then you shouldn't have to "deal" with it. You don't deserve that kind of stress. :)
I hope that helps... or at least gets you thinking a little bit about what you should do.
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A
female
reader, Babs1 +, writes (12 February 2012):
Well your young and still holding onto sheltered ideals of a world that doesn't exist the way you thought growing up. You say YOU KNOW it is wrong.. why? For a reason outside what you were told to feel. As you get older....the more you learn the less you know. There is SO much truth to such a simple statement. Your boyfriend is growing up, trying new things and learning from them. You can't stop this and shouldn't want to, you will be on your own new journey soon enough,(hopefully) deciding for yourself what you think. Your not going to change your man and you don't have to right to 'be proud' of him for making decisions YOU approve of. Let him be himself and stop thinking you have all the answers, you don't!. Eventually, hopefully for your own sake you will get there. What you can do about this is nothing because it is not up to you to do anything. If you don't like it, don't be with him, if you don't mind, it might be time for some adult self exploration on how YOU feel about society and your place in it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 February 2012):
 First of all, I could debate with you for 6,000 words on the rightness or wrongness of alcohol. Just because YOU believe it's wrong doesn't make it wrong. So you have no moral grounds to feel as if you're in a more moral place than your boyfriend on this matter.
However, what we have here is a compatibility issue. Your personal religious conviction is that alcohol is wrong and has no place in your life.
So on paper, your choice is very simple. If you do not want your significant other to drink, this isn't the guy for you. You can't tell, confront, or change him, nor do you have the moral impetus to demand that he not drink.
All you can do is decide that alcohol is a deal breaker, move on from him, and find a fellow non-drinker who shares your belief in the absolute no tolerance for alcohol in any way, shape or form, OR you accept his drinking in moderation without trying to change him, nor giving him the least bit of hard time for it. In short, to accept him, you must accept that he likes to drink.
It's either your current boyfriend, or your zero tolerance. You can't have both. The sooner you decide which you want to keep, the better for everyone.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 How about you ask him not to drink around you, but say its ok when he's out with friends. Obvously not coming back drunk to you.
That would solve the issue I think, and make it a guy night kinda thing for him.
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