A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 40 years old and my husband of 23 years has told me he wants us to seperate, I am devestated (an understatment) things havent been good between us but I was really trying to make things work, However he is adament that it is over. I cant sleep eat function. The worst thing is he went away for a few days and met a girl who he slept with, he is still in touch with her by email. I can not cope with the betrayal, he also slept with me when he got home! I have seen my gp and got anti depressants but I am so devestated. We have 2 children 18 and 13 who know nothing yet as we want to try and let them have a decent christmas, I have begged him to try again but he wont I love him so much and dont see a futur for me on my own
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): All replies makes sense in todays society that the man is an idiot and a loser therefore since an affair happened we should all assault him with no further understanding of what happened, maybe we should crucify him, or stone him to death. I guess you get what you pay for. Take care of your family for Christmas and seek professional guidance, this advice is worth what you have paid for it (a bunch of women (minus Phil) cheerleading for a divorce), great.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): Hi,
My partner of 22 years has went to thailand in september and was bit funny when he came home, i asked him if something had gone on and he denied it. But about 6 wks ago he said our relationship was over and that he needed a change and that he had felings for another woman he had meet on his holiday , at thai girl he had met in a bar had sex with, but that she was a good girl and not a "bar girl "and he wanted to explore this. We have 2 children 10 and 7.
I am devastated as you are. Believe in yourself and nurture yourself, it is not your shame, do not hide, do not implode, be the person you know you are, strong as you would have been as a role model for your children, get a solicitor and wake him into reality, get your life on track, it will probably be without him. you can survive, it hurts and i thoroughly sympathise.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (25 November 2007):
 He made you beg. You accepted and let him know that you are the weaker party here. You even accepted the fact that he openly slept with another girl, and you still beg him to be with you. You are the losing party here.
It is hard for you to win. Even if he cannot get a divorce he may now freely cheat come home any time and tell all the stuff he has done and still sleep with you.Do you want this?
You should not. The bird is out of cage now, the devil is out.
I hope you are able to just tell him to what ever he wants to do and let him have the divorce. And be a proud, strong woman . And dont respond his calls afterwards. And have a new life.
I think this is your best option even to have him back one day. Try it if you can please.
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A
female
reader, buck  +, writes (24 November 2007):
i was married 23 years and got a divorce (my first wife ivorced me)i had an affair ,had three kids wit her and am married again to some one other than the one i had affair with....had two more kids have been maried 14 years am miseable with this one ....want my first wife back...end of story
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): Hunny,
You can cope on your own, You can get strong and you will be ok, At this very moment in time yes! Your whole world has come crashing down and it all seems so out of your control.
But its not hunny he may seem to hold the control over your life and happiness at this moment but believe me when I say to you, You are so much stronger than you think, Yes your going to cry yes your going to scream inside and yes you want things to go back to the way they were when you felt happy. You will feel happy again, At this moment he is telling you what he is wanting and doing the more you say please lets try the more he will say Im going, Uncle phil is so right put your energy into planning for your future, As uncle phil said he may go thinking the grass is greener on the other side and then realise and want to come back, Midlife crisis I dont believe that its a word people use to excuse someones behaviour as women can feel just the same at some point in life plus he has had sex with someone else, Christmas coming up and the children to think about will have made this even worse for you to handle as if its not hard enough.. Let him go!!!! Talk to a female friend and get out life begins at 40 it did for me, After 3 broken marriages hunny no man will ever treat me bad again its made me strong. I do what I want, You need to get to a advocate phone citizens advise and get to no just where you stand in all of this.. Plus he well could have cheated before and it just never came out, Hunny you are worth more than this so much more just let him go TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH TONS OF LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (23 November 2007):
 Sweet heart, you CAN cope on your own, this country has fantastic benefits for single mothers, regarless of you status in society. It may mean getting a smaller house, it may mean trading in the flash car for a cheeper model. but he will be paying you maintenance and so on that should keep you in the lifestyle your accustomed to.
He says he will keep paying the bills, and move into a flat and so on. He is trying to stop you taking him for every penny when you divorce him thats all!
He is looking after his own arse all the way. Stop petending it will all get bette if you cling onto him a bit longer. get out there, get youreslf a solicitor and screw his ass like he has been screwing you.
He wont change his mind and stay and he wont ever put your needs before his. make sure he never tops paying the bills or your youngest schooling (Im assuming he is in privrate), by getting a good divice settlement and maintenance payment scheme set up.
Please sweets, Its not going to get better, he has made his choice, now you HAVE to protect your family financially.
Im sorry, I know full well how hard this is, I wasnt married to my ex and I lost everything when we split, but Im making my way back up the ladders, Im getting my kids sorted, I made sure they never sufferd, I lost my house but in a few years I should be able to buy another, he ran up thousends of punds of debt in my name but I coped. you CAN do this, you can live without this so-called man.
You can do it and you have our emotional support whenever you need it.
Take care and feel free to contact me anytime yo need help or just a shoulder or anything.
Love and strength to you.
Issy xxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Ok. Lets assume he walks out the door tomorrow. He says he'll pay the bills. That's lovely, until the other woman decides her needs are more important than yours. He stops paying you to appease her. Then where would you be?
Believe me girl, you need a court order to enforce this and the first step on the ladder is to see a solicitor and get legal aid organised. Then when he walks out the door you can pull the trigger, start the legal process and get the law to work for you. By getting a solicitor now, you don't have to actually take any action until you need to, but they'll be on standby waiting for you to give the signal to go ahead and make him face up to his responsibilities.
He's having a mid-life crisis alright! Change of clothes and music and getting wanderlust. I'm only surprised he doesn't want to go backpacking around Australia with all the other teenagers! Typical signs of a man trying to recapture his youth and virility and to reassure himself that he's still attractive to the opposite sex by straying and testing the old equipment somewhere else.
Stop dithering and get on with it, get your financial security sorted out - as a priority - and get a solicitor!
Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Phil is spot on here! Life does begin at 40, mine did! You have loads of years ahead of you so dont let this take the legs from under you. Dont think for one moment that the kids wont of picked up this one, they are not daft, mine certainly knew what was going on at the ages of 14 and 16. Be brave and be strong and get that divorce rolling before he can even pull his socks on. Get him out of the house. Cheeky pig, slept with you too. I would kick him in the b*llox! Sorry, but there is no way you should put up with this. Get down to a solicitor asap, and get the ball rolling. I would tell the kids before someone else does, it is better coming from you. Put them in the picture and let them decide what they think of dear old daddy now.
Stop worrying about Christmas, there will be loads more ahead after this one, better than ever!!! Go for it girl and get this pig out of your life, mid life crisis, he would be wearing my shoe up his ar*e!
take care
xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Let's not blame this on the ole mid life crisis, excuse. A man going through a mid life crisis...means he has a loss of libido (sex drive), erectile dysfunction ,(impotence), fatigue and sometimes depression. So-if your hubby is having sex with another woman on the side, then he not showing symptoms of a mid-life crisis. A mid-life crisis does not make a man stupid. I have seen people in the worst of life circumstances make decent, good choices., all for the benefit of those they love and cherish. This is not your husband..he has stopped caring...and I am so sorry. Your husband has a character problem, and has forgotten his committments/obligations to make this family work. Probably brought on by his own interpretation that he is unhappy. If he could see beyond his nose, he would likely understand that his family is a precious, fragile gift..one we nurture and work hard to retain. We don't cause hurt and cause pain to the very people, he is supposed to love. Instead he has decided to act out in poor, unloving, self-involved ways. This an emotional time for you and I understand. But's it's important you get pissed off and fight back, too. Or you and the kids will suffer, endlessly, in the future. I suggest you be a woman of courage and strength. Keep your wits about you and keep the family together for now. Give your kids a decent christmas as it might be the last one spent as an intact family. As suggested, after the new year...get on the phone and call a lawyer. Protect yourself, your home, your children's lives. Be strong, don't hedge.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your good wishes and kind thoughts I really need and appreciate them. I still love my husband dearly, I hate what he has done to me but I cant hate him, He is the only man I have ever been with (my first love) He is still at home but in the spare room, he still hugs me and crys with me. Financially I cant manage on my own but he says he will continue to pay the bills and let me stay in the house so we dont have to upset my youngest schooling. He says he will look for a room to rent or a flat after the year (he has offered to go now but I cant face being on my own yet) The woman he met lives abroad,so I dont think they will get together permanently as she apparantly doesnt want to stay here. I dont want to go down solicitor route yet. I really feel this is a midlife crisis he has been strange for months losing weight, listening to strange music, talking of going to Tibet !! But I thought we could see it through. I dont want anyones pity and have only told my sister so far (she too was shocked she thought we would grow old together) I suppose I m also embarresed that I failed in my marriage, I was always confident we would always be together. Im trying to hold if together at work too, also difficult. Sorry to ramble on but I need an outlet. Going for a bath now (first since he gave me the news, what a minger) Hope the tablets gp gave me help me sleep, but he did say things would get worse before they get better.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (22 November 2007):
and dr phill is soooo right, get onto a solicitor NOW xxxxxx
You are worth so much better than him hun xxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (22 November 2007):
HI, Let him go hun, he isnt worth it, if he feels your marrage is so worthless after so long, then he himself is worthless. Kick him out the door now, never mind xmas.
Your kids are at a great age to understan whats happening. Please sit down with them asap and explain whats hapening. dont make uby out to be an evil guy, they wont appreciate that, But DO answer all their questions honestly and fully.
Dad met another woman and he wants to try living with her for a while. They will understand as Lng as you are calm and honest with them. Please dont drag it out over xmas, or you and the teens will have an awful xmas even if they dont know he is leaving.
You are worth so much better than him hun xxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, oh dear +, writes (22 November 2007):
This must be awful for you it must feel like you have been kicked in the stomach or trampled over like a herd of cows.Not sleeping, eating is a natural response to what has happened you will be in shock and it does knock you for six'It is going to be difficult to put a brave on for christmas my parents attempted to do the same thing but Iknew something was wrong your kids will to and will be very worried so tell them, they will probably suprise you with how strong and understanding they are.I doubt you will be able to change his mind and it is early days yet - you will feel like this for a while but you can get over it, your children are worth being around for. The pain will ease but it will take time good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): I would guess he's possibly going through a mid-life crisis, but if he's made up his mind about this there's little you can do except accept the situation and start to plan ahead. He may well find that the grass on the other side of the fence isn't as green as he imagined and then come crawling back to you - if you'd still want him.
First get yourself a solicitor and try to make sure he or she is a good one. The Citizens' Advice Bureau will give you a list of those in your area, but they're not allowed to recommend any particular solicitor.
I would suggest you make it a 'she' as a woman will understand your emotions better than a man. Apply for legal aid if you're eligible - the process takes a while, so the sooner you start the better.
You may feel you're 'over the hill' at 40. I thought the same when I reached 40, but believe me, it's true what they say about life beginning at 40. Your best years are ahead of you although you probably don't think so at the moment.
The kids will probably have picked up on the fact that things aren't right between you and your husband and will almost certainly have noticed the change in you, so it might not be a bad idea to let them in on what's happening if that's the case. They might have an even more miserable Christmas if they're speculating as to what the problem is. They might imagine one of you has a terminal illness or something.
Time is a great healer and you will get over it in time, trust me on that. You may well be on your own for a while as far as having a partner is concerned, but this will be a good time to take stock of your life so far and to plan for the future. It won't be as black as you're painting it at the moment.
Good luck, and try to keep smiling.
Phil
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A
female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (22 November 2007):
 I really really feel for you especially so close to Xmas! I'm assuming your husband is near your age too, or older and he's found a new lease of life! Has he cheated on you before?
I hope he used a condom when he slept with the other woman, do you know? If not, he's shown a blatant disregard towards you!
You've been together a long time, so only you know if it's worth fighting for your marriage. To be honest I don't think his fling will last. The best thing you can do is get back your control. Don't beg him to stay. Clinging to a man will only result in him pulling him away even more. Let him go and start working on your new life of freedom. Aquire new hobbies, go bellydancing, have fun, go out with friends, dress well and look after yourself. Do things with your teenagers. They'll need your support more than ever, so try not to fall apart in front of them. In time your hubbie may well crawl back when he's gotten bored with his floozie and when he realises what he's left behind. And they always do, as soon as the sexual thrill wears off!! Now wether you'll want him back in your new life, well, only you will know. You may decide you enjoy your new life, or you may decide that you love your husband enough to forgive him. But let the ball be in your court whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (22 November 2007):
 Hi,I know this must be hard for you right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel, He clearly has given up on your marriage so i say If he wants to pack his bags then let him, harsh i know but it wont make you feel any better if you try and stop him its no good for you if he stays with you because you forced him it will only make you more ill and the relationship will only get worse.However hard it is for you to let go you have to and move on with your life you can find bigger and better things out there and get your life back on track.They say life begins at 40 and yours is just beggining!I'd like to i'm sorry if i have said anything that upsets you this is not my intention I am just trying to offer you the best advise that i know how.Good luck and love to you thro your emotional time!Lu x
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