A
male
age
41-50,
*erfectly Miserable
writes:Hi there, Before I start my story please know I appreciate your honest feedback no matter how harsh it might be.I am a 35 years old man who never been in serious relationship before and I finally met this girl online (I know :( Meeting someone online is always iffy specialy for the girl) about three mons ago..and it was love at first sight. First she told me she's 21 but later turned out to be a bit over 18. We have not met yet and we are not making any decision before we meet and both make sure about how we feel and what we want. I really do not want to hurt this girl and looking for advise as I donno what to do.I donno if this is love as I never been in love before. I literally have tears sometimes thinking of her but would be happy she is out there (weired huh!) When I think of her I have random thoughts about her. I want to be with her and talk to her all the time but i don't do that because I worry about her and want her to focus on her studies and education. I get a funny tingley feeling in my stomahe every time I tink of her. I just cannot get her out of my mind. When she is not around, i am the most miserable person in the world and feel my heart will jump out of my chest and when we chat I am the most happiest person on earth. I know you may call me and old desperate fool. But seriously I don't think I am. I tried to breakup with her when she told me her real age because we thought it was the right thing to do specially that we haven't met yet. I just wanted to do the right thing for her and we broke it up. It was only two weeks before we both could not take it anymore. It was the most miserabe two weeks in my life. Few things about us. I am 35 but always been taken for being in my mid-20s and I act like it..so I cannot be really considered as matured as a 35 yrs old..always been lagging behind. She is 18 but seems a lot more matured than girls her age, physically and mentally. Both our fathers are about 12 yrs older than our moms. My parents passed away though when I was 10..so I really cannot get an advice else where. When we chat we have no proble communicating.. we almost do not feel that big age difference. She may even be more experienced with relationships than me..We decided we can only proceed with this realtion ship under two conditions: (1) first we have to wait a couple of years till she finishes college.. we are both taking in the possibility that with me being a 35 year old, I may want to start a family asap.. she needs to make sure she is up for that (2) Her parents must know and we can only proceed with their blessing (3) of course we have to meet and make sure this is what we want.Since we haven't met yet, we know it might be easier to end it now so nobody gets hurt (which we tried already but failed). But in the same time we know of many couples who have been having big age difference and yet where the happiest couples ever..including our parents. However this may have been the case in the past where we come from and it was not 17 yrs difference! What scares me the most is how to bring the news to her parents and my family.. Everytime I put my self in her father's shoes I freak out but I don't want to give up yet. We want to take our chances still..I really donno what to think. I want to do the right thing for her, yet I don't think I can leave without her. What would you do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 January 2011):
Hi. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you, but the positive thing to come out of all this, is that you found out before it was too late.
Good for you hacking into the "fake" person's account, it has saved you a lot more heartache - not to mention a lot of money as well.
Take good care of yourself, and tread very carefully in the area of internet relationships from this point on. Then it will never happen again.
Best wishes.
A
male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (4 January 2011):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi there,
This is what you all been waiting for, AN UPDATE!
I guess I owe you all an update. You were all right. I was wrong. It turned out to be a scam by a young 19 yrs old who was trying to scam me for a few bucks. I thank God and to you advise I was able to catch it in the right time.
Pictures sent to me were not along the age range given to me.. always some weired excuses for disappearance or claims of troubles..of course asking for money like you mentioned. I just knew it and remembered your advices..
Later I found out the fake facebook account was related to one of the friends listed on the account. I noticed it because once she asked me to transfer money to his name claiming her passport was being renewed. How I caught it.. hacked into his accounts.
He is now facing the authorities and shame of his entire family who I was able to contact.
Thank God I caught it in time before any real damages! I was able also to identify the identity of the girl he pretended to be..of course she was not the same girl I loved she seemed spoiled, superficial and mean!
This was on hard way to learn.. 4 month of emotional abuse! Now i'm relieved. Oh boy!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 November 2010):
Hi. You are very welcome.
Please let me know how it goes.
You are definitely doing the right thing, then you at least have some direction from that point on. You will no longer be doing any guesswork, which can be incredibly frustrating.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (25 November 2010):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDorothy-
I totally agree with your point.
"But unless you meet, you are never going to find out. At least to satisfy your curiosity, you DO need to meet - then go from there".
I guess I know where I am heading now.
Thank You!
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A
male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (25 November 2010):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCat, Just wanted to answer your questions. My situation might be way more complicated now that you made me think about it.
She is in college right now, two years or so away from graduation. We are both from the Middle East, from two neighboring countries, two big liberal cities to be more specific. You can say we are both too liberal, so I would not give much attention to the fact we are both from the middle east
I moved to the US a while ago to finish my studies and before you know it I live and work here for 15 years now, so it's not temporary.
She moved to my home city, a year ago to go to college, living between school and some relatives.
Will I live nearby? I do visit home from time to time, which is not enough of course to build a solid relationship, but long before we met, I was exploring some opportunities for overseas assignments (usually a two years period or longer) as part of my career development. If things goes as planned, I could be very close to where she is right now and to her home town.
I know what your next question would be..What If?!
Well, I donno! As I mentioned earlier, I got the worst of it. She keep insisting on coming over to see me, but I constantly refuse the idea. It's too risky for her, specially she has no clue what she's getting into. As I said earlier, I will never put her in harm way.
I know you may change your view of my case after you read this. At least I am trying to be honest about the whole situation.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 November 2010):
Hi. I get where you're at with all these mixed feelings, and that's ok.
In saying this, I also feel that you are more likely to regret NOT at least meeting her face to face, than to actually meet her.
Most people never regret what they DO, but will almost always regret what they NEVER DID (but wanted to). This is one of those certainties in life.
It also is a thing that is the very essence of most of the unhappiness and restlessness often experienced in life. Because then, you spend the rest of your life wondering - "What If?"
Life is so short - compared to eternity - it's a tiny drop in the ocean.
My personal life philosophy, is that when I eventually reach the end of my life on Earth here, I DO NOT want to die with any regrets whatsoever.
In any case, no-one can tell you what you should or should not do. That choice is entirely up to you.
What you must always do throughout your life though, is follow what your heart is telling you - that is always the truth, the only truth there is. Not what others think you should do.
To actually meet her, does not mean that you automatically have to marry her (I'm exaggerating, of course). Not at all. It's just a meeting after all, and nothing more.
Don't feel that it HAS to become more than that, just because of all the conversations you have previously had on the internet, prior to the actual meeting.
Because the bottom line really is, you won't truly ever know how you DO feel, unless you meet her face to face. It might go fantastically well - just as great as the rapport you both have on the internet.
Then again, it might be the opposite, that you feel nothing at all.
But unless you meet, you are never going to find out. At least to satisfy your curiosity, you DO need to meet - then go from there.
It's a gamble you need to take, and if you choose not to take that gamble, well then you will probably have to decide to end any further contact, as there won't seem any point to it - knowing you are never going to meet.
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A
male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (25 November 2010):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs always, I do REALLY appreciate you all.
It's just too much for me to take at this point. I know one of my issues was not taking any serious action at all. It's just too many thoughts, too many questions, and too many possibilities all going on in my head at the same time. I just need some time to think clearly about all that before taking (or not taking) any actions or making any decisions that I would regret later.
In the meantime I will keep you posted on my situation.
Thank You!
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (25 November 2010):
 You have stated that you will not proceed with this relationship if you do not have her parent's blessings. There is a good chance her parents will not approve of their daughter dating a man who is 17 years older. Fortunately, her parents are 12 years apart in age, so they may not have a problem with this. Personally, I dated one guy who was 11 years older than me and another who was 13 years older than me... and my parents really liked both of them. Then again... I was in my mid 20's, not my teens.
I know your girlfriend is in school... is she in college or high school? What are her college plans? Will she live at home while going to college? If so, will you live nearby? I'm just trying to get a better idea of your situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): i notice the focus on being concerned about the 18 year old.
But it has occurred to me that you are the one vulnerable to exploitation.
All may be well and your 18 yr old girlfriend is probably the sweetest darling in the world.
But do not be conned into financial demands that just keep escalating at every turn.
Remember you work hard to make your money. And you are a Person, not a Open Purse/Money Dispenser.
And if you do purchase an airline ticket for her to use to travel to see you, do ask the airline to make sure it cannot be cashed in for cash, by any person at the other end. So that only the original purchaser (you) can cash the ticket and in the country where you purchased it. You would never think pretty young things would exploit a love sick man, by keeping the refund from cashing in an airline ticket purchased for them, but they do. That's why tickets can have that proviso put on the ticket to prevent this common swindle.
A neighbor of ours had a son who fell in love with a girl overseas. She kept delaying joining him for a visit. But still asked him to send her money for various things she said she needed before she could come here.
He would not hear a word against her. He was forever trusting that she would never cheat him.
They did finally marry.
But her financial demands just got bigger and bigger. And eventually he came to realise, as he watched his own money nosedive, that his 'princess' did not love him.
He felt used, and financially abused. At the 12 month mark he filed for divorce.
And based on the insane amounts, (over just 12 months) that he had paid out to her with all manner of things she wanted, needed, had to have, that she was ordered by the court to repay her now ex- husband $300,000!
Of course she never paid it, as she'd already spent it or sent it back to her family overseas.
His only satisfaction was to see in writing that he did not have to pay her a cent in maintenance after the divorce, because of the total amount in cash,
jewellery, car, investment real estate, best quality of everything clothing, shoes, and just 'things' he had already given her during the one year marriage.
But a year later she married an even older and much richer man who is probably being bled of his money as we speak.
Just be alert for cajoling requests for so called emergency needs for money, or requests for items that are said to be needed - as if the world will end if they can't have a particular item purchased for them, nor ongoing requests for expensive presents starting to become the norm. Nor put up with pouting tantrums because you have not bought an item of the high degree of 'quality' that the person 'just has to have'.
And Don't be so generous that people
start shaking their heads and
muttering 'there's no fool like an old fool'
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A
male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (25 November 2010):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
It's me again. You all got me thinking and thinking..
CatGirl you might be right about me not being matured enough which I admitted earlier myself. As a matter of fact she might be even more matured than me in term of relationships. I just don't believe it's just lust, but it's definitely something we both need to consider.
The gentleman getting married soon..I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. Good luck!
Dorothy again you hit the nail right on its head. I have been more concerned about whether this relation would be socially acceptable and more about her parents only because no way I will let her proceed with this without the blessing of her parents.
But like you all said earlier we can not spill it out yet if we haven't met yet and we are planning to to do this as soon as possible. The fact I work overseas makes it a bit harder because of the distance, so we are working on this one. Cost won't be an issue here, just trying to make sure we spend enough time together. She is currently studying, so I want to also make sure she does not lose focus on her studies as well. In the meantime video chats and phone calls might help set up the expectation. We are both being patient.
I know I may be running into the risk of wasting a couple of years in my life, but I am willing to take my chances and follow my heart.
Thank you all and please know I really appreciate your advices and looking to hear for you all again.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (24 November 2010):
Hello again. Perhaps what you worry about the most about you and this young lady, is not so much that you might not get along once you meet, but more that you are worried about what other people might think.
My advice to that is, DON'T worry about that at all. This is between you and her only, no-one else plays a part at all in this.
You have said that you are working overseas now, but I don't think you actually said for how long. Depending on how far away from the USA you are, this distance could hold you back from getting together very soon.
The cost of travelling for a start. It's not cheap to fly great distances. Usually $2,000 plus, if we are talking about being in Europe, for instance. This is something to consider as well.
If you are talking about Europe or the UK, then it's not going to be possible to travel back to the USA to see her on a regular basis, should you decide to do that. If you are going to be there for a year or two, it's not a distance you could fly every couple of weeks or months. This is something to think about as well.
Because you have now told us that you are working overseas and of course, your lady friend is there in the USA, that's something you have to talk about with her, and tell her that you would like to meet her soon. Then you both to figure out how you are going to make it happen.
Because you have not met as yet, this is a gamble to take if it doesn't work out. Then you would have spent all that money for nothing. More food for thought.
The distance really is the only thing standing in the way of meeting.
If on the other hand, you are only going to be working overseas for a short time - less than 6 months - then it's a bit different again.
Here's some things for you to think about for now, anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): dear bro my gf is almost 13years younger 2 me n we r ok.n soon we will be marryng .
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (24 November 2010):
It’s possible that this could work out… my great grandparents had a 19 year age difference, and my grandparents were 14 years apart… and both had wonderful marriages. However, you can’t ignore the fact that she is only 18… and as mature as she may seem, she is still quite young, and she has already told you she will not commit to a relationship anytime soon. I think you would end up wasting years, waiting for her to commit… only to be let down.
Another thing that really concerns me is something that was brought up by another poster. How can you be certain she is who she claims to be??? Yes, you have seen photos of her, but you have never seen her in person, spoken on the phone, or communicated over video chat. Before you go any further, you need to do one those three things. This is a MUST! Not only will it confirm her existence, but it will give you both a better idea of how you feel about one another.
You are not in love. Instead, you are experiencing lust and infatuation, which is what people experience at the beginning of a relationship. It’s completely normal.
I’m so sorry that you lost both of your parents at such a young age. That must have been devastating. It sounds like this affected your emotional development, thus your delay in maturing. Men tend to lack behind women in that department anyhow.
You seem like a nice guy and I would hate to see you waste your time on a relationship that is not likely to pan out. You can’t put your life on hold for several years for this woman. My advice is for you to cut ties with this girl completely. You need to get over the feelings you are having for her and you can’t do this if you are still communicating with her. Tell her she can contact you when she is 21, but until then, you need to move on with your own life. Join a few online dating sites and see where that leads. I understand you feel a connection with this girl you have met, but I sincerely hope you take my advice and move on.
Let us know what you decide to do! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (23 November 2010):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess some of you may find it strange why I am I being TOO emotional with this specially that we have not met yet.I guess this may explain. I am the youngest of 5 brothers and sisters who had been blessed with two parents who were sort like Angels. We were taught to love unconditionally. Even though I was only ten when my mom first passed away, I remember it all. My dad knew she only had six month to live but kept it all to himself. I remember him standing in front of my mom's pic every night for hours crying and talking to her. It was a matter of few month before he could not take it anymore and joined her.. he always said he can't wait to be with her again. Imagine you grow up with this saintly picture of love growing inside you!
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male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (23 November 2010):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you all for your honest feedback. I really appreciate your time and advice. Sometimes a person may always know what the right things to do, but always need to hear it from others.
Now I am convinced we have to meet first and it's not worth sweating the big stuff now. I have come to realize I have been dumping so much on my girl because I am so afraid to deal with the issue myself. I have always known it has been always my issue and I am the one I have to deal with it.
To tell you you the truth, I have been searching the web for similar cases for quite some time and I have been hesitating to post my problem because of the quality of some of responses I have been seeing. This site however is totally different and all your feedback is really helpful. I really appreciate it!
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (23 November 2010):
 Until you two meet and start to develop a real relationship you will never know if the relationship will ever work.
At least she turned out to be 18 and not under 18, so that's definetly a good thing. Love doesn't care about age (unless your under 18, then the law cares) so don't feel like a desperate old man, you aren't old. You are only 35. Meet her and see how it goes. Perhaps she is feeling the same way and you two sound like you hit it off.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Hi. Its not worth sweating the big stuff like having a family together. When you havent even met her yet. An age gap relationship can work if both partners want it to work. Im in one. But you wont know if its got any chance of working until you meet her. So i wouldnt worry about all the other stuff until youve done that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): if you haven't video chatted, how do you know that it's actually her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): you are 35, quite able to make your own decisions. Once you have established all the issues and identified what most concerns you.
As an adult this problem is your problem. You own it.
And you have the maturity (even if you think you act younger) to do the analysis and make up your own mind on this issue. Which is your issue.
I do not think you should be dumping so much on your girlfriend.
She most likely has her own issues - that may include totally different concerns to what concerns you.
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male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (23 November 2010):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain thank you for your honest feedback. As I mentioned earlier, I am not really experienced with relationships and my parents are not around so I really appreciate your patience here. As mater of fact, things are getting a bit clearer to me as I am typing my story. I feel my thoughts are getting more organized..but this is not to deny how messed up my life is now.
Now let me try answer some of your questions and provide more information about this relationship. We have been chatting for almost 3 month now. I kinda forced her to break it up as soon as I knew her real age which was almost two month since we met. I was kinda mean and harsh at that time trying to bring us both back to reality. And as soon as I reached out to her with my feeling she seemed pretty grateful. She hated me for breaking up with her earlier and did not hesitate to forgive me. I donno is it because she is inexperienced or she never heard such sincere words from anyone one before..in all honesty I am inexperienced myself and never meant to seduce her (I wouldn't want any one to do this to my sister either).
We did both share a lot of pictures together, family pictures as well and she pretty much knows everything about me. I guess we both appreciate the facts we have been both totally honest to each other from the very beginning.
We haven't met in person because I am working overseas now and she is back home. We are planning to meet at the earliest chance, but until then she does no prefer having phone or video conversation. We both recognize the fact she is inexperienced and that we need to take things easy. So I am not trying to rush or pressure her into anything. We both agree with you all and we understand the importance of meeting face to face first before making any further steps.
Speaking of having a family..I really did not mean to start a family immediately. I was thinking 4-5 years from now. I totally agree with your opinion, she is still inexperienced and have the whole life ahead of her and I understand the importance of not rushing her into anything soon. My biggest concern is whether I should continue down hat road or do what I am mostly scared to do and break it up before anyone gets hurts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Until you have a chance to meet in person you can not tell whether the two of you will click as a couple. Chemistry is a funny thing and no matter how well you get on together online you may find that in reality there is nothing there. You both have built up images in your head which may be fantasy. So take the pressure off regarding building a future. Meet up and take it from there. Make sure you meet in a public place first, as in this day and age it is important for your sake and hers (especially as she is 18).Be realistic, she may just be a nice girl who you enjoy chatting to on the internet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): if you were female and 35 and the 18 year old were male i cd understand a 35 year old female wanting to start a family. But at 35, as the male, i am staggered that you think there is urgency to start a family?
It is unfair on an 18 year old.
She has more life to experience. And it would be far better to develop and grow into a live in relationship over at least 2 years before any talk of children is even contemplated.
I think you are too impatient.
How are you going to cope if your first girl wants to dump you, if she does not find you are as she expected?
You've hardly got to know each other and your interaction has been online, and you have not met and spent lots of time together in real life. Yet already you are contemplating fatherhood as inevitable asap?
A male is fertile all his life.
My grandfather was 60 when he fathered my mother. My great grandfather was 46 when he fathered my grandfather. And my great great grandfather had his first child aged 38.
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male
reader, Perfectly Miserable +, writes (23 November 2010):
Perfectly Miserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I never hide anything from her. She knows all about me. Same time she is not trying to rush into it, and I respect that so I am not trying to rush her into anything either.
I was thinking to forward her a link of this post. I don't want to be selfish and want to help her make the right decision as well (I know! I am still being selfish no matter what). Is it wise to share this post with her?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (23 November 2010):
Hi there. The only way you are ever going to find out how you really feel is to actually meet each other. I would suggest you do this soon.
A relationship on the internet is nothing like a relationship where you see each other on a regular basis.
The mystery of talking on the internet is somewhat of a fantasy, so this is the attraction of speaking this way with someone. All sorts of things go through your imagination of how they might look etc. It can then become almost an addiction, over time as it continues.
It's possible that as good as you seem to get along with each other on the internet, when and if you decided to meet, you might have no feelings towards each other at all. You might not even be physically attracted to each other. This is also something to think about.
Although you seem to speak to each other in a mature fashion on the net, you might find that once you meet, you have very little in common. Your interests might be very different from hers. You might find that you talk and can't agree on anything. It certainly would be a lot different seeing each other, from talking on the net, anyway.
In any case, the only real way to ever know for sure, is to make arrangements to see each other. So you don't get into any uncomfortable situations, perhaps the next time you talk, you could invite her to have a coffee with you at a local cafe, and just see how it goes. Whatever happens, at least then you will have an idea where you go from there - see her again, or decide she's not for you.
I don't suggest she say anything to her parents, until you both first see how it goes, when you go for coffee. If it goes really well and you decide you want to do it again, then do so, and get to know each other better.
If on the other hand, you both mutually decide that it's not going to work - after your very first meeting for coffee - well then you both go your separate ways and it ends there and then.
But unless you DO actually decide to meet, you are never going to know and you'll always be wondering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): First of all, a 17-year age gap is quite a big deal in terms of relationships. Even if this girl may seem extremely mature for her age, she still has SOO very much to experience in life. She's still got her whole life ahead of her.
I really do empathize with you when you say that you have such feelings for her... it's like a longing feeling and I know very well how that feels.
However, your story has a lot of holes that need to be filled. Was she as grateful as you were to be chatting again after two weeks? Has she ever seen a picture of you, video chatted with you, talked to you? What about you of her? How long have you two been chatting for? We need to know these things in order to really help you out. If you really haven't done any of the above (talking, video chat, etc.), then you could be idealizing what this girl is like. You both could be picturing each other as absolute perfection; chatting over the Internet does not exactly give a good impression of the personality of someone unless you can talk to them and talk to them face to face (more importantly).
I hate to sound so pessimistic about all of this, but I am a realist and I am only trying to help... everything may sound all warm and fuzzy, but really, is it? Do you really KNOW her, and she, you? I'm also not saying that a 17-year-difference is impossible to work with as I know a couple who have a daughter together and are 20 years apart, but it really does complicate things quite a lot.
My best advice right now is for you to post more information about this "relationship." Answer the questions I posted above and perhaps people can give better advice. :-)
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