A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for about two years now and we have been living together for about one year. We share a lap top and I came across her facebook page the other day where she had forgotten to log out. I have never gone through her personal belongings before, ever, but intuition told me to do it. I found messages in her inbox from someone I had never even heard of before telling her how in love with her he is, and how much he's thinking of her, etc. I immediately confronted her and she at first tried to deny it, but then confessed that she'd been cheating. She came clean and admitted she'd been having an emotional and physical relationship with this guy for months. I am so sick over it. I told her to move out but she's been begging and pleading and sobbing telling me how big of a mistake it was and that if I please give her a second chance she will show me that things will be completely different this time. And I really do believe she feels really terrible about it. She's been crying for days straight and immediately called off the other relationship and blocked his number. I guess I am just torn as to what to do from here. She has a five year old son who sees me as a parent now and I love him so much, too. I always told myself if someone did this to me I would leave them, but now that it has happened to me, it's so much harder than i imagined. Her and her kid are my family now. But I don't know if this is forgivable. please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): Same old cheating story.
Only after they are caught then the crocodile tears start, then the 'I am so sorry', 'I won't do it again' bullsh1t. Where was he guilt when she was sleeping with the other man. Did she care about you then?
Once a cheater.always a cheater. She is only sorry bec you caught her. Kick her to the curb, that is where she belongs. You won't be the first man to give a cheating woman another chance, only to get his heart ripped out again. Women almost NEVER end it the first time, cheaters rarely do.
You may want to salvage this 'relationship' but she destroyed it the day she opened her legs to her lover.
Tell her to move out and then u judge whether she is worth it. Let her go out into the world and see how the other half lives. Don't be a fool man. This woman is playing you. I know I am a woman, I know how we think. A little tears, emotional blackmail and the sucker is roped in again while carrying on with the lover. If u want to give her another chance then she needs to move out with her kid. She needs to earn your trust again. She betrayed you so u shouldn't feel guilty at all. Then monitor her. If after a while you see a change in her that's fine. But you make the decisions .
You may not believe this but woman almost cannot immediately move on from their affair. They promise so much but still sneak around. Ask yourself if u didn't discover the truth will she sill be sleeping around with her lover. Most definitely yes! This speaks volumes of her.
LoveGirl.
A
male
reader, JohnnyXXX +, writes (15 January 2011):
I'd forgive her, but let her know that it will take a very long time to earn your trust. Don't hold it over her head, just let her know what's up. If it happens again, ever, BOOM! Out the door!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Hey Buddy, I hate this for you but at least you wasn't married although with a child in the picture it makes it even worse. I am in about the same boat that you are in except I am married and just found out that my wife of 3 years has been texting and seeing her old boyfriend 2 1/2 years of our marriage, athough she says she has never touched him since we were married, especially hard to believe since she went to his friends house and stayed there until 4:00 A.M. one night and told me that she was at her frinds house drunk. She has 2 daughters that I have taken care of these 3 years although they are older 18 & 20 but there Dad has paid very little child support and my wife quit her job over a year ago, I have paid for there college bought them new cars etc.... I am the same as you I thought I could and would just get divorced and walk away.... but after filing for divorce and her moving out, I got to feeling terrible and thought maybe we could work it out, but its been over 4 months now and it hurts as bad as it did the day I found out. I just don't think that I can ever trust her again, I know this isn't much help but wanted you to know that your not alone, and deep down my gut feeling tells me that we both need to move on and be happy and find someone that appreciates someone caring and taking care of them although I know its gonna be hard for a while. Good Luck!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): She did this and she needs to face the music. If you "save" her by letting her stay, she won't overcome whatever consonant dissonance that allowed her to cheat, and then still be with you. She not only hurt you. She also hurt herself and her child. You can't save her from this and I don't think you should try. An affair of several months is pretty severe, as betrayals go. I can sympathize with her distress and her agony. But she used you already to have her cake and eat it too. Don't make this decision based on your love for her or your desire to make the mess go away. You were in love with a lie, and there is no way to undo or unsay that truth. She is not who you thought she was. You can't get back the time you invested, but you CAN get the rest of your life, and you should. IF after a break you are inclined to try counseling, MAYBE. But you would have to be so cautious. Do you really want a partner that you have to police? And can you live with yourself in peace if you let this slide? No one wants to hurt those they love, but she did that, not you. You can't pay for her betrayal. She has to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Remember that you are human. You have a lot to work through right now.Don't make any final decisions.Do get help from a couples counselor.Do protect the child from the exposures to the affair, the fighting, the trauma, etc.Do get the full story of the affair, over the next several months, if you want to remain with her. The full story does need to be told, as well as the backdrop for the affair. My wife had an affair, and it took her 6 months in couples counseling to confess to the full affair, a decade after it happened, and still she can't fully face what she did, so don't expect it to be easy to get this all out.Either way this is difficult. It is a bad sign that she only quit when she got caught, so you really don't know yet just what she is going to do with this relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): She betrayed you, she ruined the security of your relationship, and there is no way to go back to where you were before. How she will win back your trust, I don't know. I know you love them both, but you need to make the best choice for YOU; even if that means going through a broken heart.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (15 January 2011):
Dude...time to parachute out of this quickly disintegrating aeroplane. You got played for a fool, and luckily you found out about it. Some people go on for years without a clue that they are being played. It will be hard, but you will be happier in the long run when you get with someone you can trust and who won't screw you over like this.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (15 January 2011):
 I think you honestly need to take a look at your relationship.
Here you are, a well to do guy who's taken in her kid (from a previous relationship) and she goes and cheats on you. The question is why? Is there something lacking in your relationship? Do you lack intimacy? She not attracted to you? She just needs constant male attention?
I think those questions need to be answered. Usually cheating doesn't happen without a cause. If there is no answer, then she doesn't have self-control to tell another guy no when she is with you.
I agree that she should probably move out for the time being. At this point, your relationship needs to start over and you need to assess what happened.
You should read "10 stupid things men do to mess up their lives" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. See if you can't identify yourself in there.
Good luck and sorry to hear about the bad news.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 January 2011):
 I know this will not be a popular answer.... I love the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
I believe in a second chance.. after being given consequences for the bad behavior...
my dad cheated on my mom 27 years into their marriage... they separated for a short time and then mom forgave dad and dad never did anything like that again.... and sadly when my mom died 11 years later it was in his arms with him sobbing like a baby...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Yes she is very upset, but its not over her love for you she is upset because she was found out and she knows she has hurt you. Im not going to tell you what to do here, but hey if you never found them messages on her facebook she would still be sleeping with this other guy behind your back and taking you for a fool.
Off course it is hard to break up with anyone, you her and her child is a family and off course you dont want that to end. But for the moment you really need some space. Ask her to leave tell her you need time to think and tell her not to contact you that you will contact her when you are ready to talk. Take this time and think things over. Think about what she has done to you and also ask yourself can you truely forgive her for this and can you really trust her again and go back to the way that you were.
Whatever you decide make sure it is the best decison for you and goodluck in the future.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Yeah, she feels terrible because she got caught. Would she feel this bad if you hadn't have busted her? Nope. If she did, she wouldn't have cheated in the first place!
It's up to you to decide if you can forgive her, and if you believe she will actually change. Cheaters usually don't change, but it is possible if SHE really wants to.
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A
female
reader, 1989BABY +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Honestly get out of this relationship, she only feels bad because she got caught! if she really felt bad she would have told you from the get go of their relationship, she knew she messed up and now she is scared of losing that security.
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