A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for just under 2 years and really love each other and most of the times things are good. We are both 31 and I have been engaged before but never married and he has never lived with a woman before. Last week we walked past an Estate Agents and I said it would be really nice if we bought a place together and he said 'No way what if we fight and are tied together financially imagine how awful that would be'. He floored me as we both have savings and both rent at the moment and can afford a nice place together. I was really shocked. I said that was a bit harsh as we have often talked about moving in together one day. He said his sister argues with her husband and his best friend isnt happy living with his g/f and we are happy so we should see how things go over the next couple of years.I feel really resentful and angry now and he thinks I am just trying to rush things and logically there is no harm in waiting. How can I get past this anger I am feeling. He also said after 6 months of meeting it would be good to get engaged and married but 2 years down the line there is no mention of that either and he says 'whats the rush'. Hmmmmm any comments would be appreciated....
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Buying a house with your boyfriend after dating for 2 years and never having lived together IS a crazy idea. A house is a bigger, longer, and more binding commitment than marriage...Mortgage payments are more expensive than a divorce papers.Did he independantly bring up the notion of getting engaged and married in 6 months or was this something you prompted? I don't think you should take his reaction so personally, in fact he is probably very happy with the relationship he has with you. He obviously doesn't want to ruin it by having things to fight over. It seems like you have an internal timeline for settling down; get engaged in 6 months, then married, and then buy a house. You suggested the last thing on that timeline perhaps because you think the other two items would happen a lot faster?I don't think his reaction comes from any negative feelings about you, it's more likely that he doesn't share your vision of the future at the moment. If you value him as more than just a guy to fullfill your timeline goals, then be patient or take smaller steps.
A
female
reader, cat lady  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Lady, there are all sorts of reasons to be nervous about living with someone but I have to tell you this: if you and a man have been in an intimate relationship for 2 years already and the guy still doesn't want to live with you, don't expect to get married, not to him anyway. He simply doesn't want to do it. Broken homes, sisters with marriage troubles, mortgage considerations, or whatever other excuses he's offering are all irrelevant if the guy is in love and wants you for his wife. The time to get married is when the two of you cannot tolerate living apart any longer. A man who truly wants to marry you is going to get that ring on your finger as soon as he practically can so you don't slip away from him. You can still have a good relationship but if you want marriage and housekeeping together and possibly a family, you'd do better finding someone else who also wants those things.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 I guess your guy is getting a little commitment phobia. He is terrified of settling down in case something goes wrong. He is scared to have any ties with anyone. Dont take this personal though am sure he loves you very much but he is just scared.
Now you need to decide if you can wait for him especially as am sure it is in the back of your mind will he ever be ready for commitment. I think you need to have a talk to him about it tell him not to compare your relationship to others. Its normal for couples to have arguments and its all the better then when they make up.
Has he had a good childhood? Where his parents happily married or did he come from a broken home? Something in his past could be triggering the fear within him. You both just need to sit down and see where your relationship is going.
Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Well, I'm kind of with him. Moving in together is a big step. It would be best if a 30 year mortgage wasn't tied to that step. Perhaps a shared apartment would be a better first living arrangement for the two of you.
If you're not moving forward, you're standing still. He likes things the way they are, but you want to keep moving forward. You have to decide what's more important to you.
I think you should tell him how his reaction made you feel. He probably doesn't realize just how bad he sounded there, or how badly it hurt you. Suggest a compromise, or at least open a discussion about the pros and cons of the topic of living together.
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