A
male
age
30-35,
*ophysticatedAss
writes:I have been in a relationship with A for 3 months as a couple - 8 as a sort-of - and i've had troubling thoughts. She's has been with 3 guys before, sexually. I'm a wholesome guy, but I lost my virginity to her. Her last relationship lasted for 2 years, and it was only 6 months after that relationship -and another fling- that i got to know her. I love her dearly and i believe she reciprocates that love. But i am really bugged by the fact that she's been with 3 other guys. Although all were her boyfriends at the time, she hadn't much feelings towards them. I feel very insecure about that and i was tortured for the first few months. It has gotten better but its always at the back of my head. Anytime i feel down i think about that. How do I stop feeling this way? I keep thinking I'm going to find her cheating on me.Help!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lemontree25  +, writes (18 February 2010):
Dear Male anon:
Clearly I was not saying that he should forgive her of any and everything. Of course if she cheats he should not just "accept her" for that and ignore her behavior. Consciously hurtful behavior should never be over looked for the sake of love. However, she was not with him when she was with her other partners, therefore she was not trying to hurt him and did nothing wrong. All I was saying is that we all should accept our partners' pasts as just that if we want the relationship to work. And you know I'm right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I slept with 9 woman before my I met my wife in highschool we have been together for 17 years married for 12 years and never strayed hope it helps
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): "If you love her, you will accept her" I call this emotional blackmail. You can love someone but still know that a relationship with them will leave you too unhappy to make things work. It's not fair to the person doing the breaking up to say they "just don't love them" because there is too much incompatibility.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I've been on both sides of this issue kind of, if you can believe it. When i was 18, my first bf (and my first partner) had been with several other girls, and all I could think about for some time was him with them which made me not trust him as much. We split up and both slept with other people and then got back together. I was torn up over having been with someone else. Eventually we split for good, and in the years since then I have slept with far more people than I possibly should have. I personally do no think that 3 people is too many even though you are rather young. I am sure she is having her own mixed up feeling about this, but what you need to remember is that just because she has been with others does not mean she loves you any less, and also, she cannot undo her past. She is with you NOW, and that is what is important. If you love her, you will accept her, past and all. My advice for the future though (if things don't work out, that is) is do not talk about previous partners with your gf, it doesn't help anything.
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A
male
reader, Spear  +, writes (14 February 2010):
Grow-up what was she supposed 2 do wait till u show up .u say u love her and she u be thankfull it's been only three and stop thinking so little of her .this will ruin your relationship if u don't stop obsessing.
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A
female
reader, alexis** +, writes (14 February 2010):
 it sounds like shes a lil hoe-ey. u can find someone good, who shares your wholesome views. if your worried she isnt feeling the same you are, and that she could cheat, she pry would. you should care about some one if your goin2 fuck them.
i think you should break up with her before you start to feel stronger feelings for her. the longer you waite, the more things you will have to stop you from breaking up with her.
goodluck:)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010):
Retroactive jealousy is one of the most common topics on this entire website. You can call it abnormal but it will go right on being normal anyway. Perfectly healthy, secure, mature people are still prone to struggling with it.
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A
male
reader, SophysticatedAss +, writes (14 February 2010):
SophysticatedAss is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies. I understand the world we live in today. However it isn't in the culture of where we live in to have sex. I'll take all your advice and try to get over it. She is very loving and sweet. And yeah.. I think she is the one. Its very real.. I'm the first she's wanted to bring back to her parents, and vice versa. Thanks again for all your advice. Really helped!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I am with you man it would tear me up. I am just that way I have found the girl of my dreams and we know we are getting married we are each others firsts I wouldnt know what to do if I wasnt her first because I wouldnt do that with anyone else except THE ONE I would answer your question with a question. Is she the one? cuz if she is you will just have to put your shoulder down and power through it if she isnt and its bothering you then you should probably just leave and if thats the case you're not wholesome.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): You have retroactive jealousy. Not many guys ever get it to "go away" and it doesn't ever normally just fade with time either.
The way you feel is totally normal and healthy. But it is not currently accepted because it conflicts with the popular belief that casual single sex doesn't hurt anyone. This is why people will blame you for your feelings.
You have to either accept the situation fully or else break up with her. Nothing in between will make the relationship work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): First, why does this bother you? People have sex as they grow up, and although she might be young, having had 3 partner is not at all much. It depends on the people of course, some have more partner than others. Especially guys are found to be having one-night stands as often as they can, just because they like sex. Also a mans promiscuity has been accepted as his "nature" long time ago, so no one question marks that. This girl of yours only had sex with boys she was in a relationship, and has never cheated on any of them. So why would you think she would cheat on you? She enjoys sex, and I am sure you enjoy sex with her too. It's every boys dream at your age to have a sexual relationship. That means that girls will also have a sexual relationship. If you didn't want her number of partners to rise, why did you sleep with her? You're contradicting yourself.
I hope you can get over this. If you don't like that she's sexually active, why did you ever have sex with her, and why are you sexually active yourself? What if you guys break up and no other girl wants to date you because you've already had a partner?
By the time the both of you are adults, the number will be significantly higher, unless you end up marrying this one. The number of sexual partners will rise for EVERYONE. Boy and girl. It's natural. Well of course unless you're one of those who saves themselves for marriage, which clearly you and her are not. So why shouldn't she have had as many partners as she'd like, if she enjoys sex. Most men think it's cool to have done this and that many girls. And we women have to live with that characteristic of the male gender. It's time you guys learn that we girls don't magically turn into virgins after each break up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Only 3? Your lucky. Wholesome is great and all but your in the year 2010, girls are wild and crazy these days. She's not a raging whore thats for sure. My last partner and I excanged papers writing our count down, his answer was I lost count after 50. Can we say gigalo. You know what I said " As long as I'm the last # it doesn't matter". Sorry to say he's my ex but that's a different story. If you drag the past up all the time it just gets in the way. You can't spend your whole life looking behind you, you might miss what's right in front of you. I think you might have fallen into societies thoughts instead of following your heart. Treat her as a woman should be, don't fail to amaze her and you'll have no worries.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): being a virgin doesnt make you wholesome, or better in any way. I get so bored with that attitude.She was with the first guy for 2 years? thats a long time to just hold hands dude, if you were with a girl that long would you be obstaining? I doubt it.As for the fling, i bet she regrets it enough without you dragging it up.So ill ask you this: What is she like as a gf? Is she sweet and kind and loving? or flirty and silly and hanging round lots of guys....if shes with you then treat her well and you will have a great relationship.However if you just cant let this go, then break up and meet someone you can trust
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