A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Have been with my girlfriend for about 9 months now and things in the beginning seemed to be great..we had similar values, family, ect..I thought we had fun , we went on 2 vacations, ect ect..We have somewhat of a long distance relationship and only see each other once a week and it has become an issue for me..i have a house and i have suggested her moving in so we can have more time together and begin to start our lives..she seems to be backing way off..she started saying things like "i need to think b/c i'm scared of the thought that this will be for the rest of my life" and in other conversations she has said " it is scary for me to ever think I can't live without someone"..I understand the pressures of the situation, but I found the comments strange and am wondering if i may be dealing with a committment phobe..she knows i'm 100% committed, but lately has been throwing back on me saying things like "you don't even know when you want to get engaged", when in fact I have spoken about it several times..I just don't get it and my head is spinning a little bit..Looking at her past , she moved around as a child a lot from state to state with the dad's career, she has lived in 4 or 5 different apartments over the last six years, changeed careers twice and has had a few "year or so long relationships"..am I dealing with a commitment phobe? I read some stuff on it and she seems to be committed to me, speaks about marriage, kids, ect, but something is not right in my gut..when I'm serious about the realtionship, what I want, work, ect..she tells me I need to just have "more fun" and " I'm sucking the romance out of everything"..I think we have plenty of fun
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engaged, her past, long distance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I'm sorry to hear this, but yes, I think I agree with you. She doesn't sound ready to settle down and doesn't want to risk her career perhaps by moving to where you are without a solid offer. In this economy, I can hardly blame her, after all she does have to take care of herself and she sounds like she has some ambition.
Is it possible for you to move where she is? These are hard things to work out in a relationship, but think what it will be like when you are married, you have to decide together which person's job you are going to follow and this could flip back and forth more than once.
If you think you have exhausted all possibilities then perhaps it is time to look elsewhere.
I don't think it is fair to blame her decision on fear of commitment though...She just seems more committed right now to following her own path.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I made the other request of her moving up and getting her own place up here..didn't work..she is actually thinking of taking a job that would keep her where she is and cause us to have even less time together..I feel like she wanted it in the beginning, but talk after talk has put a damper on it..we don't spend enough time together as it is and this new job is going to be worse..she has to stay out socially often ,ect and I'm really just ready to have someone here with me and try to start "our" life..btw she is 31 and i'm 35..it doesn't look like it is going well and i'm thinking i have to walk away
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): You don't say how old your girlfriend is. I am guessing she is still in her 20's but I won't base my answer on that.There really isn't anything here that tells me she is or isn't a commitment phobe. I think dating only 9 months and most of it being long distance seems a bit rushed to be living together. I think the next step would be to ask her if she would consider getting a job in your town and finding a place of her own so that you can date and have a more serious relationship. I agree long distance relationships do not work and one of you needs to move.She may just not be ready to move in with you. It can kill a relationship that doesn't have the strongest of foundations, and she may feel that if she does 'settle" for your offer of living together that you won't want or need to ask her to marry you. That is what she wants from you, which makes me think she isn't a commitment phobe at all, just not ready to compromise her values or her happily ever after.Try seeing it from that perspective and make the other request and see how that goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): She might be but it's something you got to think about. How much do you really know about her? How she was raised? Her parents relationship? Her past experiences? There are a lot of things that might spook her. This all depends on how you want to go about it. You can keep pressing her, in which in a lot of cases makes the other person pull back more or you can be supportive and give her time to figure out what she wants. Not everybody wants to jump into things. She might just be testing the waters making sure if she makes this leap, it's not going to land her out of her comfort zone. If you feel strongly about her give her time. You might want to take a step back look at the whole picture. This might also be a sign that your being too dependant on the relationship to. Not everything works out exactly how you plan, this should not make or break your happiness. If your not happy with how things are going maybe there's something that you need to work out on your own. The best relationship you can have is built with 2 independant people meeting in the middle. Any type of co dependancy is hard. Being happy with your own situation, insures your happiness for life.
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