A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im kinda confused about my relationship right now with the guy I've been dating off and on for 4 years now. When we are together everything seems perfect, but when we are apart its like war world 3. we fight all the time, and when i try talking to him he just says im bitching and wont listen. it seems like im the only one that is trying to make this work. yea i know hes not the only one with issues i do too, but im trying so hard and hes not even making an effort. i send him cute texts, and stuff and i get ignored. but then i see hes online and he is talking to the one person i dislike the most because he left me for her. he says they are just friends but if he really cared about how i felt he wouldnt talk to her right? we were going strong for a week with no fighting and just yesterday we got in a fight because he doesnt want to really come home and spend valentines with me. he told me that me being nice wasnt real, and that it meant nothing. how can he say it wasnt real? im trying so hard to make us work, because i love him so much. he tells me hes going to talk to who he wants whenever he wants and thats the end of discussion. then he tells me that he doesnt know how to put me first and if he did i would just find more to bitch about. he doesnt get the only reason i bitch is because hes hurting me so bad, and its not that im trying to bitch its just me having to tell him over and over and over. we fight a lot to about him hanging with girls. he ruined his trust so its hard for me to believe him that nothing is going on, im trying hard to just let things be but hes not even trying to gain his trust back. ive been talking to my friend and she told me her and her boyfriend use to be just like us in a way, and she got put on depression pills and they havent fought since. maybe i need depression pills, or he does? idk. i just dont know what to do anymore. any advice? im so sick of crying and being so stressed out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I would like to speak in defense of antidepressants. The medications that they have today do not have any side effects. It does sometimes take time to get the dosage right, or even the best pill for you as people are different and have a combination of depression and/or anxiety disorders. These medications do not turn you into a different person, make your problems go away or even change who you are. They help to balance the brain chemicals that may not be working correctly.
Whenever you are under constant stress, your body produces a hormone called cortisol which is a stress hormone and has some pretty negative effects on the body, your brain produces serotonin and dopamine which help to regulate your moods, and when the level of cortisol raises in your body one of the negative effects is it uses up serotonin in the brain. If you constantly stress this system, your brain cannot keep up with it's serotonin production and the result is depression that will not go away.
This is a very unhealthy relationship and you are involved with a guy who really doesn't give a damn about you anymore, his actions speak louder then words and he is dysfunctional enough in his own right to get some sort of satisfaction out of hurting you and treating you like a doormat. That way he is off the hook for anything that happens in the relationship.
He is a user.
But the truth of the matter is he does this because you let him. I don't know why you have been with him for 4 years, I would think that this is only dependency and fear of abandonment that is keeping you hooked in.
Your girlfriend's advice sounds pretty ridiculous, unless she had a really severe depression and was the cause of all the arguments and fights, depression pills do not "fix" a bad relationship. Her boyfriend must also be more caring and more interested in being her boyfriend than your guy is with you.
There is no reason for him to treat you this way, it isn't nice and you should stop taking responsibility for his bad behavior. I think you would be a lot happier out of this long distance relationship, I am guessing he is at college and you are not. Find your own life and achieve some of your own goals. Do something a little challenging or adventurous and that will help you get over him and take your mind off of him.
If you want to see about antidepressants simply because of all of the stress this relationship has put on you and you feel you may be truly depressed, then make an appointment with your regular doctor, they can talk to you ask questions and prescribe if they think you need some help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Well, he definantly sounds like he's being somewhat of a prick about it. Sounds like you guys have a pretty rocky relationship. I don't think Anti-depressions are going to change that. I've got bi-polar disorder, i've tried tons of different medications. What helped me was learning more about my problem, there are actually more natural ways of dealing with your issues. Knowing what your diagnoses is helps too. If you have straight depression that is severe I wouldn't tell you not to take medicine. But I deal with my highs and lows. I know when it's coming on and have learned how to cope through it, even down to panic attacks that can get pretty bad. If you are trying to take a drug to eliminate the fighting, it doesn't always work. Your body always adjust to the medicine, they will raise the dose till they can't anymore since it would be lethal. Once you get to that point they might put you on 2. It's not really good for you. Once your body adjust, if your not happy with your situation the problem comes back. This is something you need to figure out, Is your arguement valid, if you seriously think he could be cheating on you, don't keep putting yourself through this. But i have to say i talk to my ex all the time and there is no motivations than friendship. I'm in a serious relationship. Me and my bf both talk to who we please with no arguemnt because we know where our heart lyes. You have to figure out if this is something serious to worry about or just you insecurities. You have to have a stronger bond with your man. If that's what you want, instead of argueing over things that might not be. Do what's right in your heart
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): If you are sick of being unhappy, then take a break from the relationship and spend some time having fun again.You dont have to have a bf you know, are you sure he is worth all this? You friend sounds just as unhappy as you are. I promise antidepressants wont help you if hes a cheater.So just let it go for a week and get your head straight, then you will know what you want
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reader, Neboraic  +, writes (13 February 2010):
Do not go on any pills, you arent the problem and you shouldnt have to take anything, plus pills have side effects and you will cause problems. They will change you and you will be a different person while you are on them. You shouldnt have to take anything, your doing nothing wrong. And, depression pills! What are they? Will thy make you more depressed, robbing you of energy previously used for arguing. That may reduce the arguements but will it make you a miserable person.I was once in a situation when i was arguing with someone all of the time, in the end i gave up, i let her get away with her bad behaviour to save myself the grief which is better than taking pills. Everytime she did something that annoyed me i just kept quiet. This meant i couldnt be myself around her, always smiling to her face while cursing her under my breath, the rage began to build. It went from a relationship of 50% good times and 50% fighting to 50% good times and 50% nothing which made me happier. In the end i decided she wasnt the type of person i wanted to be around, uncaring, thoughtless, rude. So i began to drift away.Normally this is the part of the column where i would tell you to ditch the loser. But judging by what you wrote, you love him very much and may not want to do that (i think you should strongly consider it though). Ask yourself, does this guy bring more happiness or grief and judge for yourself whether its worth staying or not. Relationships involve give and take and if hes only taking then you are being taken advantage of. It sounds like he doesnt understand women, he needs to make an effort to understand how his actions bother you. It sounds to me like he doesnt care about you.Ask yourself, has he already left the relationship. Hes talking to his ex, doesnt make an effort to not make you cry and doesnt want to spend valentines day with you. You love him, but does he love you. The best way to tell is to go away for a week, see how often he calls you and how much he misses you. If you are strong and arent afraid of being single, i would recommend you could go for all or nothing, be prepared to leave him if he doesnt change. This will only work if he is willing to treat you better, do you think he would do that. There are some guys who will go to the ends of the earth for their girlfriend and you deserve someone like that.If you do decide to try to make this relationship work, try not to voice your complaints in the form of a telling off or placing blame. Tell him your complaints in a matter of fact way, more like a text book or as a sad story or letter. You could even give him what you wrote above. A non blaming, non telling off approach will help avoid arguments. I hope it all goes well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Why are you with this guy? He clearly does not love you.I am sorry that isn't what you want to hear, but he is an absolute jerk and you need to lose him and lose him fast.What he is saying to you is disrespectful and worse it is abusive, this is going to make you feel worse and worse about yourself and it is unwarranted. He simply is too much of an arse hole to have a girl.God, get rid of him today. Valentine's Day was created by Hallmark Cards,,,,it doesn't mean that if you don't have a lover on that day then you aren't loved or aren't worth crapola...it is February 14, a day on the calendar.I'm sorry he is such a jerk.
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