A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband had an affair with a gorgeous female co-worker. He felt guilty and admitted everything to me. I am devastated but would like to work on rebuilding our marriage.Am I being unreasonable for asking him to find another job? They see each other often at work and he has told me he is still attracted to her.How can I not think they could end up sleeping together again? Is it possible for them to work together and not end up in an affair again?I am told that affairs are hard to end with a clean break. Often they stop and then start again and it becomes a pattern.I think No Contact is the only way to go. And I told him this. But he is saying he can stay away from her.Asking him to find another job is not unreasonable. Seeing her all the time only keeps their spark going. He is still attracted to her!!!!What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): He clearly has no intention of giving her up so he won't leave his job and now, weeks later, is slowly inching his way back to resuming contact with her...and this is just what you know from your friend spying on him. what else has already happened recently that no one else witnessed? Some relationships never end, they are always on/off again. Their could be such a relationship. You will not know for sure until you have lived out the rest of your life married to him and realized he never left her. But why wait for this to happen?? You only have the information in front of you now and it all points to him not being sincere about ending his affair. he confessed to you just to relieve guilt so it's even possible that now he is happily going about his affair guilt-free!!! What more do you need to convince yourself to dump him? he's playing you for a fool, he doesn't want or intend to give up his mistress he's just trying to keep both of you. You cannot do anything that will result him giving her up since they have their own thing going that doesn't involve you. But you *can* remove yourself from this situation and stop participating in letting him have his cake and eat it too. (you can't take away her share of the cake that she's giving to him but you can take away yours.)and please, don't think that by dumping him you're "letting her win", if that's what's stopping you (I don't know if you would think that, but some women in this situation do). Either she has already won anyway since your husband is pursuing her while married to you, or else you can see that he really isn't worth "winning" anyway so you can discard him and let her have your left-overs while you move on.
A
male
reader, CeltiBill  +, writes (8 July 2013):
I would suggest you need to stop trying to control what he is doing and just get on with your own life.
If he loves you, he will give up that relationship.
If he doesn't, he wont.
Please though, if it doesn't work out, DO NOT go back!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): I wholly agree with you... not based on anything more than that his staying to talk with her at all breaks his fundamental promise to you. The promise which is the only reason that you agreed to stay.He is continuing to flaunt his breaking that promise to you over and over again, and yet you are still staying with him. Why?If staying to see him break this promise another 5 or 10 times will make you feel sure that you 'tried everything' before you left, then so be it. But once he's cheated, refused to make efforts to stay away from her, lied and even then told the lady that he's glad that she didn't leave; I couldn't see this as being on the mend. His comment to her as much as admits that it's not just that he doesnt want to find a new job- he doesn't want to find a new job which would take him 'away from her'.He can tell you whatever he likes, it doesn't mean that you can't make up your own mind whether you trust him and believe him- and whether or not you choose to stay with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am really trying everyone. He said he would stop but he has not!
My friend was spying for me today. Thank goodness I have her!
She told me that the female co-worker was talking to another much older co-worker. He stopped to give the older co-worker some files but decided to hang around and talk for about 1/2 to both of them!!!
Do you really think he hung around to talk to an old lady??? I just don't think so.
He could have given her the file and left but he decided to hang around them just to be around her!!
Don't you all think???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Thank you for your second follow up. You poor love, he's acting horrendously towards someone he once loved. I know it hurts to hear it- but he's doesnt love you enough to treat with kindness and respect anymore. Honestly, I think you've got to walk away and treat YOURSELF with the kindness and respect that he won't.I suspect that as soon as you actively end this, you will start to feel much stronger. A weight will be lifted off your shoulder as you can finally put yourself first. You deserve so so much better than what he is putting on you.I actually start to wonder if the reason he took the bold step of telling you about this is actually because he knows that this affair is not over. He's not over her, and he can't put your marriage first when he's has her in his eye.I hope you don't stay long enough to have to witness anymore of this cruelty. You deserve better and as soon as you walk away you will be free to control your own future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): OP, your marriage is already over. Your husband has ended it, not legally but by his behavior which shows he has no intention of ending his affair. He doesn't want a legal divorce because he gets convenience and comfort in woke ways fromlegally staying married to you but it is clear that he still wants to have a relationship with her and intends to pursue it, maybe being more sneaky this time. However since his secret is out and still you haven't left him maybe he will decide he doesn't need to cover his tracks anymore since apparently you "need " him so much that you will not leave him no matter what he does. That's great for him! He has no reason to end his affair! The best thing you can do now is to accept that your marriage is over and decide what you will do for yourself. Will you choose to stay legally married with the acceptance of his ongoing affair? Will you divorce him? Whatever you decide, you have to acknowledge that he is not willing to be monogamous to you. The other woman may leave him but even if she does, it doesn't solve anything because he still wants her and will do whatever he can to pursue her. He has made his decision, the ball is now in your court to accept this or not.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 You said you want to work on rebuilding the marriage.
I didn't see anything that indicated that HE wants to rebuild the marriage.
All the rest is drama.
At this point, if he's not actively working to repair the damage he's done to the marriage and your trust in him, then well, time to re-assess. And frankly, time to break up with him.
He sounds like his genitals are ruling his life?
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (28 June 2013):
 Isn't he supposed to have a no-contact policy with her now?
As in, he's not supposed to be talking to her...AT ALL?
If he just got caught talking to her, then he broke your trust. AGAIN.
If you can't even trust him to do something as simple as stop talking to this woman, what makes you think you can trust him to stop sleeping with her?
He's broken your trust twice now. I think it's time for marriage counseling and it's time for him to get a new job YESTERDAY.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so beside myself right now!!!!My friend also told me that he hangs around just staring at her from across the room. He may be talking to other coworkers but he is staring at her and ogling her while talking to others or if he is walking by. It is as if he is entranced by her!!!He is really obsessed with her or his attraction to her!!I don't know how I can ever fix this!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): I think Maverick tells it like it is.Your follow up reinforces this tenfold. I'm so sorry to hear about what you've learned from your friend. It sounds as though, despite everything, he's so sure that he has nothing to worry about that he's not willing to put himself out AT ALL to make things right.He messed up monumentally, so HE does not get to decide what happens next. He should be bending over backwards trying to make amends, but I don't get the sense that he is doing ANYTHING to make this better or to regain your trust.Job or no job, how dare he talk to this woman like that after everything that he has done, and whilst your marriage still hangs in the balance. That's unbearably offensive to you that even now he is continuing to build on emotional connections with her. Publicly within the safe other world he enjoys in the office, and outside of your earshot.I think that he is taking your goodwill for granted. I don't think that he'll make any effort unless he realises that he could lose you forever over this. But if takes a threat of losing you to make him treat you with any respect, do you really want to keep him?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 June 2013):
If there aren't going to be any consequences for his behavior, he's certainly going to do it again. Do not be a push-over. Tell him he's insulting your intelligence by thinking you'd be okay with him still working with her. Tell him to find another job or get a divorce lawyer. No buts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a friend who works on the same floor as my husband.
Apparently his female co-worker was on the verge of quitting.
My friend overheard my husband telling her VERY CLEARLY... "I am happy that you did not leave. I was afraid you were not going to come back."
WOW!!!!! I am stunned!!!!
Tell me that is not damaging?????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): Of course it's reasonable to ask him to find another job. He claims he can stay away from her?? Obviously he has already proven he can't!!!to be honest, it sounds like your husband doens't really want to "save" the marriage in the same way you do. You want him to love you and only you and forsake all others. To him, "saving" the marriage just means remaining married to you, regardless of what else he's doing. As such, he is trying to get away with as much as he possibly can while still being married to you. he's just trying to do the bare minimum. I think your husband is already showing you by his behavior that isn't as emotionally invested in this marriage as you are and that he's trying to keep the door open with her. I think you need to show that you're serious, by giving him an ultimatum: get another job and cut off all contact with her, or you will divorce him. HOWEVER, this means you have to be ready to divorce him if he doesn't give her up. It's not clear from your posts if you are ready to do this. You see, ultimatums are not for getting the other person to do as you want. Instead they are to flush out the truth of the other person's true feelings and priorities. It's just to give YOU information, via the other person's decision, so that you can then decide what YOUR next course of action should be. However, this implies that you have options to choose from which you are willing to act on. If you are not ready to act on any other options, or if you haven't even thought about what they are, then you need to do some homework for yourself immediately before you think about what he is and isn't doing with the other woman. Otherwise you're powerless in this situation and he holds all the cards and is likely to do whatever suits himself, knowing that you will "accept" it since you have no other options. I agree that in this economy it is not an easy thing to find a new job. I've been unemployed before, and it sucks. However, he should have thought of this before he went and had an affair with a coworker. Let him suffer the consequences of a tough job market and possible derailment of his career. If you suffer the financial hardship from him being out of a job, that is too bad but I feel that truly saving a marriage relationship is more important than money. (if you cannot survive without his salary if he were to remain unemployed for a long time, then I think you have to look at how you can support yourself financially without him. )
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 June 2013):
 I hear your concern but HER behavior is not your concern. YOUR husband's behavior is all you need concern yourself with.
What OTHERS do or say or think is not the problem.. HOW your husband reacts or acts or deals with it is the issue you need concern yourself with.
So what about her ignoring your husband is so troublesome for you? Do you think he will chase her? If so, what are you doing to fix that problem? Do you want to fix the problem or are you thinking of other options (divorce)?
IF you think he's sorry about his past mistakes and is now devoted to you and fixing your marriage, what's the problem?
If a woman was chasing after my husband, and trying to get him to have an affair with her, I would not be worried. Not because of her, but because I know my husband would NOT cheat or lie. I trust him 100% in that particular area. He's no saint do not get me wrong, but in this area I do trust him. YOU do not trust your husband and with GOOD reason.
the question is, do you believe he truly wants to make the marriage work and if so, you have to trust him no matter what she does. It's a very hard situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell... my husband tells me that she is ignoring him now and not even talking to him. Is she pulling some attention seeking behaviour to get him to run back to her????? She was the one who was all over him and encouraging him. Now she has totally changed. Is this deliberate behaviour to make him feel bad, play with his emotions??? I am very worried about this behaviour on her part!!! Shows she is hurt and still likes my husband and is looking for his attention!!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 June 2013):
I will be the voice of dissent here.
Your husband did a terrible horrible thing to you, to your faith, to your trust, to your marriage. That can never be forgotten and only you can decide if you can forgive enough to make it work. I do not dispute that it's a lousy situation.
As a person who has worked for the same agency for 24 years the MOST I would do if my spouse needed/wanted me to get a new job, would be attempt to find a different position within the same agency but not a new employer. In this day and age, finding a job is not as easy and snapping your fingers. Even for me asking to be moved would take months and months to accomplish, if it could be done at all.
Personally I would not want to give up my job. I love my job and the people I work with. Leaving them would be hard for me.
I know that my dad once had an affair with a woman who worked for him and when my mom found out and they ended it, she continued to work for him and there was never a problem or issue and again they worked for the same agency I do and changing jobs is not as easy as all that.
IF you both want to make it work, then you have to learn to trust him again and maybe this is the way to do it?
Are you guys in couples counseling to work on the issues?
Will him finding a new job, fix the lack of trust? Will you magically trust him again? what if he gets a new job and there are gorgeous young women working there?
Him getting a new job fixes the immediate issue of this one woman... it does not fix the underlying issues of his lack of commitment or faith or honesty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): As painful as it is for you, I have to say, you have got a decent man. The fact that he came clean with you, shows that he realizes he made a mistake and is trying to make amends. I think you both have a very good shot at making your marriage work.
That being said, I do not think it is unreasonable for you to ask him to find another job. It is simply too much temptation for any person. I have always been a believer that cheating is situational, and him being around and attractive co-worker he could potential entice him, is not going to help either one of you.
It is also understandable that he feels he can control himself, but I think him looking for new employment and at least making attempts to transition is important. It can't hurt to look, who knows, maybe he even finds something better.
Good luck to you as you work through everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): What do you need to do?Do not keep your feelings hidden -cry, get angry, threaten to leave, talk about not wanting to stay. You need to stop being so forgiving - you're giving him a free pass.He needs to see and feel that your relationship is threatened, that you're ready to walk and that he needs to fix things ASAP.Why in the world he told you about the affair is beyond me - he placed his guilt onto you leaving you heartbroken and suffering. He could have quietly left her and left his job. He is a very selfish man.It is not appropriate that he continues working with this woman. Ask him if you had an affair, would he be okay you seeing that person everyday.Rethink if staying is truly what you want to do. How can he possibly love you if he did this to you? Is he attracted to her more? Staying is so painful.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (23 June 2013):
No contact is the way to go. It's not unreasonable in the SLIGHTEST to tell him that he needs to find another job. He should NOT be around her, he obviously cannot be trusted around her and it's not a crazy request at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): I do agree that no contact is the only way to let go of this relationship. The more he sees her and can't have her, the more he will want her.
He's screwed up once, you'd think that he'd agree to your demands to save your marriage.
If he keeps refusing, you might might to rethink your relationship because that's his way of saying he still wants to see her and have contact with her.
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A
male
reader, deerhunter +, writes (23 June 2013):
You said in your post that you want to work on the marriage. Are you sure? You describe that you are devastated. I don't blame you one bit. He betrayed you, and you have every right to feel angry and hurt.I wonder if you are asking the right question. I think the question you need to ask yourself is...do you REALLY want to be married to someone who's fidelity to you depends on you talking him into finding a different job? Seriously? That does not sound like he is even trying to understand the amount of damage he has caused. He should be doing everything under the sun to stop the bleeding now, and that includes getting another job, asking if you want to move to another city, begging your forgiveness, offering to go to marriage counseling. In my opinion, if I cheated on my wife, and she was willing to work on the marriage, I would do anything she asked of me, and that's just for starters. HE owes YOU a solution, not the other way around.Do you think that he really grasps the damage he has caused by poo-pooing your request to get a different job? You are asking very little, my dear. The fact that he is minimizing your request says to me that he is either dangerously naïve, or blatantly lying about wanting this affair to end.I don't know if you have kids, but you would be well-served to look long and hard at this marriage, and really think about this insensitive response he is having to something that has devastated you. I have no idea if affairs stop then start, or whatever. But I do know that he concealed an ongoing relationship from his wife, and he is now only giving lip service to making things better for you. He owes you sooooooo much more. So, yes, getting back to your original question. It's unreasonable only because YOU shouldn't even have to ask.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): This must be terribly painful for you.Yes, it is acceptable, if not expected. He should be doing everything in his power to prove his love, loyalty and trust worthiness. Having this woman around will make it difficult for him to move on - she will be a physical reminder of what they had, did and so on. He's still attracted to her! Men are big on physical attractiveness - this will be difficult for him to ignore.He should be moving heaven and earth to keep you and help you heal. Please seek some individual therapy also. I think its tremendously more painful and drawn out to stay in a relationship post infidelity. Even years down the road it will be slightly painful vs. if you divorced in a few years you'd be bitter, but emotionally happy. Therapy will help you rebuild what has been broken. It's a painful and long process.Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (23 June 2013):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/re-establishing-trust-in-a-relationship-article.html
Wrote this article on re establishing trust in a relationship. Perhaps it may be some support to you.
-Frank
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (23 June 2013):
Hi There,
Trust is very hard to re-establish once it has been broken. Part of what you will have to go through together is to figure out the root cause of the affair. Usually an affair is a symptom of something else going on within the couple.
It is VERY reasonable for you to ask that he seek other employment given the situation, and it would be an act of good faith on his part to demonstrate he is serious.
I would suggest to also ask if changing his place of employment would change the situation. Would he start up with a new co-worker at this new place of employment? That would be where to take this.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, neomum +, writes (22 June 2013):
I would tell my hubby to find another job or its over or he could ask to be transferred to another department so he doesn't have to see her. I know you want to work on your marriage but does he? GOOD LUCK with whatever you both decided
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