A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had my son when I was 17 and his father has never been around. We were not in a relationship, it was more friends with benefits. I wasn't surprised he didn't want to play a part but I was hurt. I struggled like mad, and only this year have I been able to be financial stable enough to move out of my mum's house. I'm 22 in a few months. Anyway, shortly after my son was born, his father's best friend came to see me and make sure I was ok. We were mutual friends anyway but we became really close and he stopped talking to my son's real dad. We began a relationship when my son was 5 months old and he moved in with my family and I when my son was 2, so it's not rushed and I never took money from him for anything. So, fast forward 4 years after it all happened, we are happy, living together, I'm at college part time, my son is happy, and knows no one else as his dad but my boyfriend. Then in March I got a facebook message from my son's real Grandma asking if I would allow their family to meet my son! 4 years with no financial, moral or any form of support. I said no, and blocked her. Now his dad has started calling, texting and hanging around near the nursery my son attends. He doesn't threaten us, he looks lost and lonely actually. My family and I have talked at lengths about how he left me to struggle on my own, he went off and lived his life while I had no help till his friend took his role. But part of me wants him to know his real dad and to not miss out on anything. My stepdad has always been there for me but I know I need my real dad too, even if he lives 125 miles away. Am I being a bad mum? I just can't decide what is for the best, and it's my decision, but I feel like my family are making it for me. His real dad tried to give me some money yesterday, I didn't accept it but it looked like a lot. He has been sending gifts and such through our others friends which we had to put a stop to. It's making me and my boyfriend fight, its ripping us apart. Am I a bad mum? Am I doing the right thing saying no access? What could I do to make access possible?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): I disagree with the poster who says your boyfriend is not your son's "real father", only the biological dead beat dad is. So WRONG. The biological guy was just the sperm donor, he himself made it that way. Your boyfriend is the one who stepped up to the plate and helped raise your child, and care for him, and love him. Your child sees him as his only father that he has ever known. That makes him the REAL father. OMG, I am so sad that other people cannot see this or are so quick to invalidate a father-child relationship. What a complete slap in the face to responsible loving step-fathers, adoptive fathers, and male caregivers-of-children everywhere. In fact, while it is 'easy' for many men to love their offspring that they produced from their own loins (because of innate desire people have for 'carrying on your DNA'), men who would love and raise children that they did not produce themselves, are only too rare. That said, what should you do about the biological dad? I think that yes you should allow him to see the child, but only if certain CONDITIONS are met otherwise it's a no-go:he needs to pay all back child support for the last 4 years. And, he needs to continue paying child support into the future. I think the entire relationship rests on this.If he won't do this, then he has no right to have a relationship with his biological child since he gave up his fatherly responsibilities, abandoned the child, and even now still will not pay back what he owes. what right does he have to the child, then? By giving up his responsibilities he gave up his rights.it is not a blanket given that it is always 'better' for a child to "know" his biological dad. If the biological dad is a decent kind person then sure. If he's a selfish jerk then it's better the child not have any relationship with him. Once the child grows up then he can decide on his own as an adult if he wants to seek out and 'know' his biological father. But as the mother, it's your job to protect your innocent child from harmful and toxic influences and if the biological dad is not an upstanding person that you would normally be happy to have any child around, then why should an exception be made if it's your own child. what good does it do to have your child exposed to a man who won't take responsibility for him yet still wants to see him to fulfill some selfish need in himself? How will you explain to your child when he's older, that "your 'real' father couldn't be bothered to take care of you but I thought it was important for you to get to know him anyway"...what good is this? to confuse the child about what love and family is supposed to be about???And in your case, the bio dad has even yet to prove that he has become an upstanding person. Previously he has proved that he is NOT. So the burden now is on him to prove that he is not a harmful influence on your child. Furthermore, I think your boyfriend - as the man who has stepped up to the plate raised your child as his own and whom your child sees as his own father - should have as much say as you do about how much contact the bio dad gets with the child. It would be a slap in the face to your boyfriend to say "gee thanks for loving this child, taking care of him, and supporting him and me, but you dont' get any say in what happens to him only I do." If you want to have sole decision-making power about your son, then you shouldn't have accepted your boyfriend into your son's life as a caregiver. Realize that your boyfriend is your son's surrogate father. He is doing his innate instinctive duty of protecting his child from harmful toxic influences (in this case the bio 'father') and he has every right to be heard. A man who will love and raise another's child as his own is a rare gem. Don't drive him away by invalidating him and making him invisible, that's not how family should treat each other.when will people learn that true healthy families are based on RELATIONSHIPS and LOVE and COMMITMENT, not on who banged whom?
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (29 June 2013):
To the male that responded about legal issues of who is the father. You need to get legal advise from a lawyer. A male friend of mine had the exact issue. He went to a lawyer as he didn't want to lose his child....a child by choice not DNA. His lawyer explained that in the eyes of the court they would consider him to be the father.
Get legal advise. Be safe and smart:)
Hope you are doing well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): Previous anon male responding to Brokenv: "as for your boyfriend being your son's father.....to me he is. He has been the one to love, care and support him. You don't need DNA to be a loving, caring dad to your boy."Agree completely, my point is that boyfriend has no LEGAL standing in the child's life. Unless bio-dad signs away his paternal rights he is the kid's legal father, and until boyfriend marries the mother he is NOT the kid's legal step-father. OP needs to understand that without the legal protection of marriage to either baby daddy or boyfriend, she needs to avail herself of the court system to find legal alternatives to protect her child's best interests (as well as her own) given any foreseeable contingency. God forbid, but if OP, child and boyfriend were in an accident where the boyfriend escaped injury but mother and child needed emergency life-saving surgery, then boyfriend would NOT be able to give legal consent for treatment for either one. Or if mother were to become mentally incapacitated, then baby daddy and her parents would be battling over custody with boyfriend completely out of the loop, and baby daddy could argue that the kid's mother had been actively keeping him away from his child. Boyfriend may not need DNA to be a loving, caring dad to OP's son, but in the absence of DNA he needs legal standing for neutral third parties to recognize him as a dad in the event of such circumstances as above; acknowledging the possibility that they could occur and then taking the appropriate steps to allow for them is to my mind an integral part of being a loving, caring dad, biological or not.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (23 June 2013):
I'm not going to "beat you up" over this. I think you did a great job raising your son, as for your boyfriend being your son's father.....to me he is. He has been the one to love, care and support him. You don't need DNA to be a loving, caring dad to your boy. The old saying is "any man can be a father, but not every father can be a dad".
As for the Father and family wanting to see your son, you should do it. Your baby boy is at a good age to understand with innocences the information now. He will grow and learn with it in a better understanding then at the age of 18 or 25. You want to control the information and not have your son find out for a family member or a neighbour. He is not going to stop loving you or his "real" dad (your boyfriend). He is going to love you more for giving the opportunity to meet these people.
As for now they just want to meet him. You can go to a public place to do this. Keep in mind that they might want more time with him. You need to sit down and write down for yourself what you are comfortable with. Go and see a counselor to help you process this.
You also have to remember you would not have this great little boy in your life if it wasn't for 'him'.
This is not an easy decision. I wish so much, much luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 June 2013):
 I think in this case, you cut off your nose to spite your face. Your actions regarding cutting off your son's biological family are not in the best interest of your son, and in fact could damage your relationship with him down the line as he gets older and starts searching for his real identity and father. You allowed your own anger and hurt to make the wrong decisions here.
Here is why you should at least allow the biological dad's family to get to know your son:
1. It was your ex who hurt you, not his family. Regardless of how immature and idiotic your ex was when your baby was born, the family is still related by blood, and they are seeking to do the RIGHT thing, even if your ex did not.
2. Your current boyfriend is NOT the boy's father. Unless you marry him, your son has no guarantee of security with him. However, his grandparents will always be his grandparents. Your anger will never change that fact. Grandparents are the best support around, both financially, and emotionally, and in matters of security.
3. The kid's real father is trying to rectify his bad behavior, and now you're refusing money from him? Are you insane? You don't have to like him, but he's the boy's father, not your boyfriend. You will disqualify yourself from judging your ex for not being there, when now, you're barring him from "being there". Truly, your actions are nothing more than emotional punishment for what he put you through. Truth is, the brunt of the pain will be felt by your son, not his father. What happens if your son gets older and found out that you blocked access to him of his father and his grandparents? Are you going to lie to him? Yeah, that'll go over.
4. Your son is 4, right? And his dad has not paid child support? Who's fault is that? Before you're quick to say "HIS fault", what exactly have you done to ensure his financial support outside of dating his best friend? Have you gone to court and filed for child support? Don't talk to me about the expenses of filing in court, because there's a magic three words when it comes to the court system: "In Forma Pauperis", meaning that a single mom with a son and limited financial means can do all the necessary filing for free or very limited money.
5. You said yourself -- your stepdad was good to you, but you needed your real dad. So, you deny your son what you know he needs, but you recognized the need in yourself, right? You have been thinking in terms of yourself, and not stepping into your son's shoes or thinking about his long-term needs.
6. You do not need to re-establish your own relationship with the boy's dad. You simply need to be a good mom and make available a relationship for your son and his father. You need to file in court an order of child support. You need to think outside of yourself and your anger and hurt and do what is best for your son.
7. Medical history. As your son gets older, there very well could be medical things that come up that require a family history to determine physical care. Don't believe me? My own dad's side of the family has a history of a genetic kidney disease which I was unaware of until I turned 32. Your ex's family may have a genetic predisposition to diabetes, a genetic illness (like Huntingtons), history of addiction that you could in turn make choices in his lifestyle or diet to protect him. However, your anger towards your ex which led to your immature decision to cut them off could claim your son's life. Think I'm being extreme? Not at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): " . . .my son is happy, and knows no one else as his dad but my boyfriend."Your live-in boyfriend is not related to your son by blood, marriage or adoption so in in the eyes of the law he is a legal stranger with no parental rights or authority, implied or otherwise.Absent mental impairment, criminal activity or substance abuse, you have no right to prevent your son from having a relationship with his father or vice versa. Your son didn't pick his father or choose the circumstances of his conception, YOU did and so it is terribly unfair of you to visit onto him your regrets about your previous questionable judgment or anger at his father's previous absence from his life.Assuming baby daddy was about your age when he knocked you up, it's not surprising that a young immature sperm donor wasn't ready, prepared or willing to be a father and so exercised his biological prerogative to walk away from an unwanted pregnancy. Give him credit for belatedly attempting to step up, many absentee fathers never accept responsibility for their children. "His real dad tried to give me some money yesterday, I didn't accept it but it looked like a lot. He has been sending gifts and such through our others friends which we had to put a stop to. It's making me and my boyfriend fight, its ripping us apart." As a custodial single parent, it is your responsibility to take whatever steps necessary to ensure that your child's father fulfills his legal and moral obligation to provide financial support to the fullest extent of his ability to pay. Child support is not baby mama support, it is for the benefit of the CHILD and as such you can't deny your son his legal rights.Unfortunately the consequences of unplanned out-of-wedlock teenage pregnancy resulting from irresponsible sexual behavior have ripple effects; a major one is that baby daddy can bail at any moment and another is that if he does bail, he can then magically reappear at any moment demanding his parental rights which equal the mother's and she can't deny, no matter how blissfully happy she may now be with another man. Very noble of baby daddy's best friend to step in and form an attachment to your son, but as stated above he has no legal standing nor do you have the legal right to choose to reassign your son's father's paternal rights to any given cohabitating legal stranger. For the benefit of all concerned, you need to obtain court-approved orders of child support and visitation. Your son's father is the only father he is ever going to have and as such baby daddy is in your life for the duration. Sorry, but I can't say the same about your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): If he's not a bad man (most likely just been young and stupid)and he now wants to be involued then i would say let him on YOUR terms, before he tries to go to court. Maybe sit down with the "dad" before he meets your son, work out what he wants and how that fits in with what you want. How to compromise. Explain that he hasn't been there and as far as your son is concerned he has a dad. So he shouldn't be expecting instabt son as "daddy" is actually a stranger, but if he wants to be involued as a friend to get to know him under your supervision then you'd be willing to see how it goes. That little one to young to understand but when the time comes you'll sit him down and tell him how lucky he is to have two daddies who love him. Perhaps use first names instead of "dad" and "grandma" so your son doesn't get confused.I know how you feel. My kids dad is not in the picture and so long has past that i feel he has absolutely no right. However the courts don't see it that way and your child may not either. I think if you can keep things friendly and going on your terms then do it. Better than having a tug of war with your most beloved child. Also once they have meet him, there is a small chance they may leave you alone as its no longer peeking their curiosity. Very very small chance. They could want more contact too. But i still do advice to keep it out of the courts. Also, thinks about it this way .... providing they don't bring more problems, a child is never lacking with lots and lots and lots and lots of people to love him/her. The more the merrier sometimes :)Hope things turn out alright and i would consider accepting the gifts and cash, not for you but for your son's sake.Sorry if this advice not what you wanted x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): I don't see how you don't take money for your son. His father was a s young as you and he made mistakes. But now he wants to be good, let him. I don't see why your little boy can't have another family that will love him. I know you are hurt by this man behavour, but it was a long time ago. Now, with your present boyfriend it's a different story. He re I don't really know what to say
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