A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 17 years left me last week and the children (aged 12 and 14) were naturally upset. Well me too, but this question is about them, not me. He has moved in with another woman, who he apparently met in the pub about 2 months ago - she has her own house about 5 mins walk from us. He wants them to meet the new woman and the day after he left he met up with the children for half an hour and told them how nice she is, and what a great cook she is. They apparently responded to him by saying that they did not want to meet her yet. He says that his new partner has worked with children and will fully understand what they are going through and that she is warm and considerate and that they will get on fine with her. He wants me to agree to a specicfic timed schedule of when they will come to stay with them, starting from now until the end of the year. I think it is too early for them to meet her - he has only been gone one week and it is a big shock to them - and anyway, they said to him that they didn't want to meet her yet. But he says that it is me trying to control what the children do, and that it is me that made them say that they didn't want to meet the new woman yet. My thoughts would be that if he has been gone only a week and if he has been dating this other woman for only two months (which is what he claims) that it is way too early for them to meet her. But he is making me feel as if it is me who is being unreasonable. What is your view on how long children might take before they meet the woman that their dad has just left home to live with? And why?
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): Yes rhis is so cruel & exactly what my stbx did to me & my kids. Stay strong,show your kids right from wrong. They don't need the other woman,that's just him propping up his ego.
Advice is 6m to a year or two. Not straight away. Good luck. It's a hard road to walk as an abandoned wife & mom
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): the Aunts are right.
your hbs behaviour is appauling. he cannot even comprehend his own suggestion.
i commend you for holding your head up high and dealing witht his mess. however, stop being SO NICE. time for you to do what is right for both u and your kids. this means that u need to protect your kids from this upheaval.
dont even entertain his demands
good luck with this situation. (remember my words: NICE doesnt always come out on top). start protecting yourself. consult a lawyer. do your homework
LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 My parents split when I was 12, and my father moved to another city. I went to visit him a month later, and at that airport he introduced me to his "friend". I hadn't any idea that there was another woman involved. I was distinctly unimpressed with the situation and decided on the spot that she was a whore.
I feel very strongly that new 'partners' shouldn't be introduced into children's lives until the relationship has matured and there's some reasonable prospect of it being long-term. There's only so much you can do to shield the kids from his awful judgment, but at a minimum you can leave the decision up to them.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 July 2011):
 jeez! sorry but what an insensitive a**hole he is. he sound like a poster boy for 'middle aged crisis'. i think this decision should be entirely down to the kids as to when THEY feel ready to meet her. it certainly is not his call. he has lost the right i think, having broke up his family for the sake of an 8 week fling.
your children are old enough to make the decision, its not as if they are little kids who don't understand. he is just trying to rush this along, he wants them to get on AND QUICK coz he wants to salve his own conscience. this is about what HE wants, not what is best for them. he needs to be more patient. they are the children, he is the grown up
x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): Your husband needs some help. Why he thinks this is okay is beyond me. And what is with this women? I bet anything that after this lady is off her 2 month wacky bipolar trip he will be crawling on your doorstep begging you back. And you should just shut the door in his face. Who does he think he is saying you put ideas in the children's heads. They're 12 and 14 not 4 and 6. They can very well think for themselves and you should remind him of that. Would he want to meet another women after his father left his mother only a week prior? I'm gonna bet not. You need a lawyer and to tell your soon to be ex to shove it and shove it really far.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): You are a very brave and strong woman! I'm impressed with how rational you are...
You are right. It's that simple. However do not make any suggestions to the kids. At 12 and 14 they understand right from wrong and can make up their own minds. If anything, suggest that they be honest with their father when he requests a meeting. Ask them to think about what they'd like to say next time their father wants them to meet the other woman..."Dad, your behavior is completely immoral and disrespectful to mom. I am not ready to meet your new partner who you are shacking up with before you divorce mom. Its wrong and I don't want any part of it". Something along those lines....
Your husband is extremely selfish and lacks any type of sensitivity. Get a divorce quick. Don't be surprised if it doesn't work out with the other woman. The other woman will become "same old same old" fast! He'll be having regrets before the year is over...
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 July 2011):
Wow. Your husband is pretty cruel to be honest. Get a lawyer and take him straight to the cleaners.
And no judge will seriously believe that after just one week, you can be to blame for your children not want to see the new woman. He'll most likely scold your soon to be ex for suggesting it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): You certainly are not being unreasonable, he's being unrealistic and thinking only of himself.IF he has only been seeing this woman 2months then he barely knows her himself. I can imagine the hurt and humiliation he is causing to both you and the children - only living round the corner.
Been there, got the Tshirt, my ex wanted the kids to meet his new woman after a couple of weeks, he didn't ask me, he took them to their new home and my children said they didnt want to go in, he said he would leave them alone in the car for hours in that case.
Result, badly damaged relationship with me and ex for tricking them and not telling me and the children as they were extremely distressed about it and didnt want to see him for months.
Get a lawyer and don't agree to anything until you get proper advice
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 I think you're right, and, besides, I think the father is in poor taste. I wonder if the new girlfriend was happy to meet your children right now. Maybe it's he that keeps pushing both sides.
I think it should be enough if the kids said they don't want to meet her just yet.
...............................
A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (18 July 2011):
Apparently love/lust releases certain chemicals in the brain which cause insane behaviour, and you are the unwilling recipient of the proof. I'm sorry. I think a nice visit to your solicitor might provide the reality check/bucket of cold water in the lap that he so desperately needs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): Your husband's behaviour and his expectations of his family are outlandish, every way you look at this.
Moving in with someone a week after breaking up with his wife - TACKY. Moving in with someone he's only been dating for two months - TACKY. Pushing his children to meet this other woman so soon (despite their clear objections no less) - TACKY. Was he always this...spontaneous or is he having some kind of meltdown?
Keep a log of every conversation you have with him, noting the date, time and what was said. Keep any recorded messages (VoIP is handy for that), emails, snail mail, anything from him.
Do not get into a war of words. He isn't being reasonable so nothing you say, unless it's what he wants to hear, will phase him. Men in this situation almost always accuse the mother of turning this kids against him, regardless of how badly they behave. My own father did it and he was a violent alcoholic. It is a very, very common tactic so don't respond to it.
YOU are in the right. Your children are in the right. He is in the wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Get a lawyer and quick.
He is off his rocker if he thinks he is going to introduce a new Mother figure into your childrens lives this soon.
You should be livid. Find your inner warrior princess and defend your children's wishes.
Did the kids have ANY idea that Mom and Dad were splitting up or that there was another woman in his life?
Shame on your disgusting ex.
Hopefully you have some support for you, but you need to gather the strength to do what is best for your kids mental and emotional well being, their Father is not capable of it.
...............................
|
