A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am really upset with my husband, because after we have sex, I always tell him I love him, and he refuses to say it back (he does tell me he loves me at other times). I explained to him that its really important to me to hear it, and that I feel so close to him at that moment and I think its a good chance to take to express a bit of love/romance. He says he doesn't want to say it just because I did, and as I always say it, he then can't say it back. I tried to stop saying it, and being as quiet and non-communicative as him after sex, but it feels like I am betraying a need I have when I do this. Am I wrong to expect/ask him to do this? Its the only time I ask for any kind of real romantic connection, and I feel like I deserve that much. Its not like I'm asking him to lie. I don't know what to do, its become a big issue for me.
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male
reader, gregory6  +, writes (26 July 2010):
It is not evident that you "love" someone just because you had sex with them.....you just had sex. Your partner is either too shy to risk his own vulnerability by saying "I love you", or he doesn't love you and is avoiding saying it.
Either way it is not satisfactory for you to have this imbalance. You have the option of keeping quiet, or asking him straight "Do you love me and please be honest". If he is honest you might be risking an answer you do not wish to hear, or he might say he does love you but was too defensive to say it.
If it is important for you to know, then you will always be doubtful unless you ask him straight. But beware your feelings if you get the wrong answer. You might feel it is better to avoid the question if it has consequences or a damaging affect for the future that will hurt you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot everyone, its great to hear these perspectives. I wanted to add that while I agree I shouldn't try to force him, I feel like he has a tendency to be withholding at times (other than the circumstance I mentioned). Like, when he knows I want something, he won't give it to me, just because it gives him a small sense of power. It makes me crazy! But, maybe this situation doesn't fall into that category, and I should give up trying, and just accept the affection he gives me that comes naturally.
Thanks again :-)
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Actually, as frustrating as this may be, it may actually be evidence that you have married an admirably genuine and sincere guy.
Think how easy it would be for him to appease you and just go through the motions to appease you? Very!
It's clear that your man values the sincerity behind these words far too much to say them out of habit or 'on request'.
Knowing this, how absolutely special does it feel that when he does say 'I love you'?? He MEANS it and actually FEELS it as he expresses this.
So when he says 'I will never leave you' or 'I could never lie to you'; he means it. One hundred per cent!
Perhaps there are loving things he could do for you at this time instead? Wrap you up in his arms as you both relax and drift through your thoughts, or gently stroke you hair or kiss your nose?
I think that the sincerity behind this issue more than offsets the frustration of not being able to capture these three words at your beck and call.
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A
female
reader, JustnFair  +, writes (30 April 2010):
Actions speak louder than words girlfriend.If a guy says it without feeling just because you want to hear it,that is much more worse than him not telling it at all.Do you feel cherished in bed?Does he care for your pleasure.Do you feel loved by his actions in bed.If the answers to the questions are yes,please do cut him some slack.give him some time.Do not nag him till then.Most men grow more stubborn with nagging.With time and space,they try to understand your unexpressed wishes and fulfill it too.
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A
female
reader, It's all be okay +, writes (30 April 2010):
Well it rather depends upon what is important for you.
If he says he loves you quite a lot, and the relationship is otherwise good, then it's not really that awful if he doesn't say "I love you" at exactly the time you want, is it?
On the other hand, if it is really really important to you, then you might think that he might make a sacrifice for you.
But why is this so important? Do you feel unloved? Or do you just have prescribed views about how things "should" be and you are unhappy when you can't have this?
Do you talk after sex at all? What is the mood like? When you refrained from speaking, did he then take the initiative and say it?
Remember that sex is a physical communication between two people, sharing their feelings for each other. It should be relaxed and natural.
If one person likes to be quiet after sex and one likes to be lovey-dovey, then you just have a natural mismatch, and both parties cannot be satisfied with either outcome.
Maybe take it in turns? (not literally in "turns", but have it differently each time?) eg sometimes you be lovey-dovey and say "I love you, I love making love with you and being in your arms" (or whatever) and sometimes you be quiet, or tell a joke, or be sexy, or whatever. And maybe he'll do the same.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 This is just my opinion but I think that he doesn't want to put those three words in as the final thing during or after sex. Its hard to explain but some people see that as ruining the mood. I'm wondering if he ever says anything else beause personally I prefer to say other romantic or sexual things other than I love you. Ask him about that and see what he says.
Now your not wrong to ask him for this but if it is forced it might make the situation worse off. Hopefully he can explain this one so you two can come to an understanding.
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A
female
reader, goowes +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Physically men are in a place of mega peace and calm after sex, they vibrate at same energy as eartha and books say they are closest to God when they go. I gave a report in college, and you are the last thing they want to see after sex a book said. So basically look for the I love you at the beginning or ask him to do it at the end before you give him what he wants. We are more emotional at the end and it's a common gap. Be satisfied with him staying awake, don't take his best joy and make it a guilt or emotional thing. Love yourself. tell yourself out loud in front of him after how great you were and how much you love yourself and kiss your own arm. Humor is magic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): How long have you guys been together?
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A
female
reader, princessofGod43 +, writes (30 April 2010):
 DEAR WIFEY, like i always say if your husband is sleepying with you and not another it's a good day!! If your husband is being nagged to say anything...they won't..tell him again outside of the bedroom in an non threating or demanding way...in a very sensitive way and then let him in his own time...or what if it never happens in the bed are you really going to miss out on all that great sex because of that? He loves you...you know it...so know that my husband just expressed to me his love by making love to my body..and soul ...believe me a lot of us want that too...you got that...i am not saying he will never say it but please...you have organisms...sex...he takes care of business in the finances...be happy as many on this site are not...have you read some of these blogs lately :) Have a happy home...happy marriage...see what you can do about talking to him again but honey love if he doesn't say it...and he expresses it ...that's better...many say it but don't express it...and many psychologist will tell you sex is love sometimes for a man and it is the most vulnerable time for both sexes...enjoy enjoy your lovemaking without the i love you...you already know he does.. I hope i wasn't rude God Bless
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Personally, I don't think saying ILY just to hear it back is a good reason to say it. I've experienced both sides of this coin...1 h/b said it just so I would feel obligated to say the same to make him feel secure. Incidentally, his insecurity was our undoing. 2nd h/b RARELY says it and I've found the rare thing to be much more preferable. Could be that he sees/hears you as too needy and that turns him off-I know it had that effect on me. Actions speak louder than words, tootsie. So tell him straight up how it makes you feel and ask him to come up with a solution to help you with it if he doesn't like your suggestions. Then don't just leave it at talking. Produce! Make it happen and good luck!
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