A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help!My husband (22 years together, married for 18) recently confessed he had been having an affair for 18 months with a younger mutual friend. He says he thinks he had been suffering from depression for 2-3 years as he was unhappy with our relationship which basically boiled down to some common communications issues where he had felt he wasn't able to get his point across. So - I guess I am saying if he had sat me down then we could have sorted this out and moved forward. But instead of doing that he sought out an affair.I am very involved in his career - which had never been a problem until it stepped up a gear when he wanted and needed more help and I got even more involved around 2 years ago to the detrement of my own career (his was very time specific in needing the help - mine could wait). This has caused him to have issues with control which came out during the affair (i.e. the sex they were having).So fast forward again to today and I don't know what to do. He has given her up but is miserable about it. He says he is in love with her and she can give him things that I can't - but then he says I can give him things she can't as well. He loves me but is not 'in love' with me any more. Says he doesn't fancy me any more either but thinks those feelings may come back but he is scared that they won't.He is making my life kinda hell at the moment but I am sure the depression is having a massive impact on all this and I am trying to keep an eye on the bigger picture as we were VERY happy until all this happened - not just my opinion but his too.So - we start counselling very soon but for now I don't know how to get him to commit back to us more and how to help him deal with his feelings for her and his 'wobble' about his decision to stay.Any advice at all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): I think maybe the thing I am not relaying here is that I would know. His behaviour during that period was incredibly odd and out of character but having been with him for so long I didn't read the signs. I would never make that mistake again and neither would he. He is entirely different now in every respect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): I think maybe the thing I am not relaying here is that I would know. His behaviour during that period was incredibly odd and out of character but having been with him for so long I didn't read the signs. I would never make that mistake again and neither would he. He is entirely different now in every respect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): Please be careful. Your husband may now feel 100% committed to you and horrified at his affair but realize that for 18 months he was having sex with her and feeling fine about it. Yes he may have been doing it as self medication BUT if so who is to say he won't in future when life gets tough again, resort to similar "self medication"
I am just saying that there is depression, and there is basic character traits. He doesn't need to be depression-free to know that having sex with another woman while married is immoral and is betrayal. He was supposedly so depressed he couldn't function yet he could have hot passionate sex with another woman AND cover it up and hide it from you? That's not the picture of someone who can't function. He could function alright since he was actively making decisions and carrying them out and carefully taking steps to cover his tracks. That's more than a lot of people can handle!
Yes people who are unhappy in their marriages but feel trapped in them, do often self medicate by having affairs. That is not the same thing as being non functional and not being responsible for having sex with another woman. He chose to self medicate that way. If no one is holding him accountable and blaming it all on depression and medication side egfects then what is to say he wont choose that path again in the future when life gets rough again since he is apparently completely unable to have a moral compass when depressed or when his meds change?
You also know that he is a very good actor and liar since he hid the affair from you for 18 months. You have no way of knowing if he is having an affair again right now. Maybe even with the same woman. They had an emotional and sexual bond that was very strong for 18months. Feelings don't just go away like that. And feelings don't just appear out of nowhere either. I would also be suspicious if he seems to have wildly divergent feelings in such a short span of time. Yes you just have to trust him since a marriage with constant suspicion is unhealthy. But trust should be earned not just blindly handed out because YOU want to believe the other person is the type of person you wish they were.
Sorry I don't mean to be a wet blanket. Just realistic. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): I know that some situations can be worked through. But if you choose to move forward, do so with caution. Always watch your back. Protect your feelings and your heart. You can call it guarded optimism. Because despite what you are saying and convincing yourself of, I am not convinced. Just make sure your eyes are always open. Never let your guard down. It is your choice in the end.Make him do the work. Make him show you he is sorry. Make him prove his love to you. But remember, deep down when you are all alone with just yourself and your own thoughts, you WILL always worry that he will do it again. It will be hard to deal with those doubts. Trust issues can have a very serious and detrimental impact on a relationship. I believe after trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. Not impossible. Why is it difficult? Because despite what you convince yourself of, that seed of doubt will always exist. And that seed can grow until it becomes a weed and destroys the life of your relationship. I believe that a marriage is broken without trust.Are you not afraid if you trust him he will betray you again? I certainly would be.And you are right, sometimes this kind of man is not worthy of love from the wife or girlfriend. And maybe I will be dumped. But you know what that feels like, don't you?I wish you much happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer So Very Confused. I agree, not all men are serial adulterers, some men just make a mistake, ONE mistake. I know why my husband made the mistake and I know the circumstances surrounding it can never be repeated, not only because they were unique but because we are now aware he suffers from depression to the degree that he may be on medication for the rest of his life.I updated this post because I wanted other people to find strength and hope if they are in a similar position, it is too easy to only find negative stories on the net.I really do KNOW that this was a single mistake by my husband. I feel sorry for the other woman who posted, not only because of the situation she is in but because she has so little faith in men that I doubt she will ever be able to find happiness.I love the story of your parents, thank you for sharing. x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 September 2013):
 To the anonymous OTHER WOMAN... sorry I disagree with your ideas based on my OWN knowledge of an affair held by a man with a long term marriage.
MY FATHER cheated on my mother after 25 years of marriage.
ONE affair... one woman... HE never cheated again after my mother was BRAVE and STRONG enough to FORGIVE HIM and work WITH HIM to save their marriage.
Sadly they only had 11 more years together and when she died in his arms I saw my father cry like a baby for the first and only time in my life. That was 18 years ago.
He met another woman after my mother died and has been with her now 17 years and has never looked at another woman.
SOMETIMES it's a one shot deal that a man needs and with the strength and support of his long term loving wife he can get past his indiscretion and move forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I know this answer is meant to be helpful and you can only go on what I have posted but believe me I am no fool and his issues have been resolved. In fact his issues that led to the affair were mid-life issues which led to a much bigger depression when he realised what he had done. We have been to counselling and have discussed at length the issues that led him to where he was. Things are not 'back to normal', they are much, much better than they were, and are back to how we were before any of this started, which actually was a slow-burn thing starting from a life problem a few years ago (something we have also addressed).The other woman wasn't a chance meeting, she was a 'friend' of ours who idolised him. She set her stall to get him and she sensed when he was weak because she too has mental health issues. He admitted to me recently when we discussed the dynamic of the affair that 90% of the time she messaged him to meet up, I already knew that she did all the arranging and she paid for everything. He said he felt immense relief now it was all out in the open and he felt very pressurised by her at the time.You have no reason to believe me but I completely trust him now, our life is totally changed from how it was before this came out. The two weeks of 'madness' where he had told me and didn't know who to choose was not only severe mental illness exaggerated by his medication at the time (a well known side-effect of his medication is to make things worse before they get better), but he now thinks was his fear that I couldn't truly forgive him. As soon as he came out of the 'cloud' and realised I could his health improved within days and has continued to improve ever since.I know this man. I know him inside out. I have learned more about depression and mental health issues in the last year than I ever wanted to know but it was given me quite an insight and a lot more understanding of a lot of actions taken by people.A lot of men have some kind of mid-life 'episode', some are able to deal better than others. My husband had a unique set of disappointments in his life in quick succession and he dealt with them very badly. But he is a man and he doesn't communicate well. Added to that he had alienated a lot of close male friends and had nobody to talk to. He is now aware of the damage that does and regularly meets with his close friends (and yes, I know where he is and what he is doing, and no it's not because I have to know or check up on him) and talks. He has made every effort to make this up to me, he thanks me every day for helping him through and for 'saving his life' (his words, not mine), and he tells me regularly that he had everything he needed right here all the time and he has no idea now why he did what he did, he says it seems more ridiculous the more he thinks about it.I would suggest you take a long look at why you are content to be the other woman. The wife may not be as boring as you think, you may just be playing with a man who either isn't worthy of loving (yours or anyones) because of what he is doing, or he is someone who is simply self-medicating himself out of a bad patch in his life and once he is better you will be dumped.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): I am the other woman. The younger one. I am the one having an affair with a married man. He is with me because the sexual chemistry is mind blowing. I am exciting. The wife, like you, is a security blanket... Familiar. Safe.Please be careful.Do not delude yourself into thinking your relationship is that good. He is capable of cheating on you again.Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being paranoid every time he is out late? When he looks at another woman for a second too long? When you have a fight? Or when things go back to the way they were? Because they will. His issues are within himself. They won't go away. He will at some point once again feel the need to go outside your marriage to feel good about himself, to validate himself. The allure of an affair is just too powerful, especially when you have already done it once.Things might be "back to normal" for awhile but not forever. He will revert back to his cheating ways. How many times will you put up with that behaviour? It isn't worth it. All the love in the world you may have for him will never be enough. It is not a good thing to LOVE your husband when your husband LIKES you in return.Sorry. But I do think you are trying to convince yourself your husband really wants to be with you and will never stray again and that it was all a big mistake. It was no mistake. He knew what he was doing and he did it for 18 MONTHS!!!! A one night stand is a mistake, not an 18 month long relationship!!!You are just the comfortable, old shoe he has always worn. That is all. You are safety and security. She was excitement. He will miss that. Trust me. If he does not find a way back to her, he will find his way to another woman who will bring him the excitement he deep down wantsw....Really think hard about what you are doing. Good luck to you.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2013):
OP what wonderful news. I am very glad to hear that he's making progress and you stuck by him.
may you two enjoy many years together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo...I am the original poster of this question and I wanted to update you all as I just came across this in some old emails.I am very happy to let you all know that my husband did commit back to us - 100% - and I am convinced his illness was the cause of all of the madness, literally. He is still on meds as his doctor is concerned that he has suffered from undiagnosed depression for years and only in recent years did it get so bad he couldn't function (but didn't recognise the signs) which led to his actions. In the last 6 months we have been ridiculously happy, back in love totally and have started our life again with a much bigger understanding of each other and our needs at this stage of our life.He is horrified by what he did, and particularly by the last few days that I reported above. He cannot remember why or how it started and now feels very confused by the person he became. He has not seen her at all and only a couple of days after posting this I can promise you he stopped having feelings for her (I could tell, you will just have to trust me on that one).So, in my opinion some things are worth fighting for. I was willing to accept that I may have lost him, but for me it was worth trying and I am very, very grateful that I stuck by him and tried to understand without judgement.If he had been sick in any other way I would have stood by him, so why not a mental sickness. He is incredibly grateful that I was able to forgive him, and importantly to help him forgive himself.I hope this helps others who may find themselves in a similar situation. Of course I cannot condone cheating and hope anyone who finds out their other half has cheated is able to see the bigger picture before deciding what to do, but for me it was worth saving a very good relationship.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2013):
I hope his medication continues to help and that counseling continues to improve things.
Thank you for updating us OP, I have been thinking about this question and trying to figure out what to say.
I know after 25 years together my mother was able to totally forgive my father for an indiscretion that lasted a few months and resulted in a short separation for my parents. My mother fought to save her marriage and her husband and for THEM forgiving him was the best thing.
As long as your husband is willing to OWN and accept his behavior and knows that it's HIS fault (reasons are explanations for bad behavior but not excuses) then I think you might be able to work it out.
good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): OP you deserve praise for keeping calm and trying to understand. Yes we can all get divorced at any time but if there was a good relationship it is always worth some effort to see if its still there before giving up. A violent reaction is as destructive as the initial action and in situations like yours it confirms to the husband that his wife doesn't want him and makes the other woman the only option.
I think most people go through some form of mid life depression, after all we are losing our youth, there is a lot to be depressed about. For women there is much open discussion about menopause and how to cope and they talk to each other. Men can't do this, it's unmanly, we bottle it up and internalize the feeling of failure, being unloved and unwanted and useful only for paying bills. Yeah, I guess I've been there too. Quite a few guys choose a selfish self destruction (suicide) but most of us know there are still bills to pay and no avoiding that. The one thing that makes the symptoms bearable is sex, it proves we are still alive. If it comes from a younger woman even better. But it's not the solution, just some treatment, somehow we need to get back in control of our lives and enjoy our relationship again. This needs a lot of talking and planning and taking away stress and having fun again. A strong long term relationship is infinitely more valuable and meaningful than a bit of sex on the side. In fact I am always amazed at the vehement reaction from most of the aunts and uncle about this. This is the 21century and by mid life we've had so much sex with so many people that there's no significance. I think a nice meal with someone is often much more meaningful, it costs more, lasts longer, and with a bottle or two of wine you learn a lot more intimacies than ever with sex. Of course a quick bit of sex for dessert is always nice.
Good luck OP, hope it works out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): I am glad his depression is bring treated. Living with a depressed spouse can make your life miserable. But just be aware that being depressed or not he still knowingly had sex with another woman. In my opinion that goes beyond depression. Please continue to be careful. He still needs to be held accountable for having and seeking sex with someone else and not just blame it on depression. And what about her? He has been leading the other woman on and telling her he loves her. He has done a lot of damage. A few pills does not turn a life around when it involves such major decisions to act unethically.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI all - I just wanted to update this as things have taken a BIG turn around for the better. A couple of days after I posted this his meds kicked in (finally they got the right dose/meds) and his depression lifted in a big way.Since then he has totally committed back to our marriage, has been an entirely different person, completely back to who he was before all this (neither of us nor our close friends had realised how far away he had gone until he came back - it has been remarkable) and the last few days have been like a second honeymoon.He says he is completely sorry for everything that has happened, it seems like it was someone else and a long time ago, like looking at a film.We start counselling next week for the comms issues that led to his depression in the first place but everything feels very positive and I am glad I kept my faith and kept an eye on the bigger picture.We know we have a long path back to recovery but we are talking honestly and openly, prepared for the bumps and happier than we have been for a very long time.Here's hoping for an entirely happy ending.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): One person cannot save a marriage by themselves and it seems that your husband doesn't want to work on the marriage. He can't, his mind is too preoccupied with his mistress, he is in no shape to work on the marriage because he doesn't actually WANT to. All he wants is HER. He may go through the motions of going to counseling. It will be just a farce and a waste of your time and money. Therapy is not like physical medicine or surgery which works regardless of what your mind is thinking about. For therapy to work you have to be mentally and emotionally engaged and invested in it working and he isn't because he wants her and that is at odds with with your marriage.He definitely needs therapy and I would encourage him to go to counseling on his own - individual therapy for himself, for his depression, to help him let her go (IF he wants to, but it seems he doesn't), to help him sort out his feelings about what he wants to do now. Couples therapy and marriage counseling does not work when one partner is longing to be with someone else!!! let him go... if he refuses to go, even though he doesn't want you either, he's just taking advantage of you to bide his time so he doesn't have to spend a minute alone, until his mistress becomes available then he will leave you in a heartbeat. and if she never becomes available to him, he may very well just continue the rest of his life being married to you while cheating with her. It does happen. My uncle has been doing that for the last 30 years. My best friend's father also has been doing that for about as long too, since we were children and I'm now in my late 30s and he's still having the affair (actually I think it's a different mistress now but each affair has been a years-long relationship unto itself). Both men are still married to their wives who know about the mistresses and have found their own way to 'make peace' with it. If you insist on staying married to him no matter what, you might have to just accept that he will always cheat on you with her and if not her then with someone else. The way forward for this marriage with him having one foot out the door indefinitely may be to simply reach some agreement where you agree to let him keep his mistress in return for staying married to you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): "He says he is in love with her and she can give him things that I can't - but then he says I can give him things she can't as well. He loves me but is not 'in love' with me any more. Says he doesn't fancy me any more either but thinks those feelings may come back but he is scared that they won't."So basically he is admitting that he actually prefers her and he doesn't really feel much of anything for you beyond just being platonic friends or like a brother-sister, but he is only staying with you because he is afraid of being alone and not in any relationship. Well at least he is honest! So what do you do with this information? I think it would be to your detriment to stay in this relationship. He is using you for his benefit, giving nothing in return, and you are allowing you to be treated as nothing more than a prop in his life for when he has nothing better going on. There is no reason for him to stay in the marriage with you when he knows that he actually prefers and WANTS someone else. If you want something bad enough, you should pursue it or you will be forever seething with frustration and resentment. That means he should go to her and pursue her since his heart is with her. He should not string you along pretending he has feelings for you when he doesn't. If he wants someone he can't have, then he should be single and alone until that feeling goes away. Getting with or staying with someone else (you) just because he can't have his first choice, is nothing more than using you as a back up. He sees such a relationship as centered on HIMSELF and is not concerned about you. How is this relationship going to improve if he's seeing it as just a back up he has to settle for. It's going to be a slap in the face to you, every day, as well. Why put yourself in such a position?"I don't know how to get him to commit back to us more and how to help him deal with his feelings for her and his 'wobble' about his decision to stay."unfortunately you can't "get" someone to commit to you more. You can't control his feelings. It sounds like you have had a lot of control over his life in the past, but his heart and desires are something that you cannot control. if his feelings and desire for commitment aren't there, then it's not there. And why should you "help him deal with his feelings for her"? That is not your job and it shouldn't be. They are HIS feelings, so they are HIS to deal with on his own. Again, you need to give up control of things that are not yours to control.He at least has been honest enough to admit his true feelings to you. Many cheating husbands would NEVER do that and would lie and deny and drive their wives up the wall with suspicions. At least you know where you stand with him. Which is: he does not want to be with you. He is only staying with you out of fear - fear of being alone, or not being able to handle his career by himself, whatever. Consider seriously this information that he's giving you. This is how the relationship is going to be. If you stay with him, are you also doing it out of fear of being alone?I seriously believe your relationship is over as a marriage or as an intimate monogamous relationship. But that does not mean that you "must" cut off all ties with him. You can STILL be good friends, best platonic friends even. But as husband-wife, I believe the relationship has run its course because his heart and desire for intimacy is with the other woman. He longs and yearns for her. They by now have their own relationship going on, their own story that is unfinished. That can't just be turned off by will. At best it can be suppressed but will always lie dormant waiting to surface again at the slightest chance (like if she were to contact him again some day or vice versa). With his feelings so strong for her, staying married with you will just mean that he continues to have an affair for years to come. He is just not ready to give her up yet, and he has said so. Again, at least he is honest. Most cheaters would lie and deny. I think your husband should have "manned up" and divorced you (bearing whatever consequences and losses a divorce would create) because of his wanting so deeply to be with another woman. Instead he tries to straddle the fence and let someone else make the decision, while he continues to try to have both and not give up anything. Basically all his actions are driven by an aversion to loss. He does not want to lose ANYTHING. Not her, and not the benefits of your marriage and what you do for him. Such people, who will not make a decision and accept any losses and want to keep everything for themselves no matter what it does to other people, lack integrity and are untrustworthy. You will be in for a roller coaster ride if you tag along.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Your commitment to him is admirable and I can't help thinking you'd have a much better chance if he wasn't in love with another woman who is still on the scene.
You are a good woman indeed because you are standing in the face of dissapointment and betrayal and still you are prepared to stay and try to save the marriage. You are also trying to look at the big picture and are prpared to take the fall on every issue!!
It's clear that you love him and I am so sorry that he is no longer in love with you...hopefully that book you quote will hold the answers for you and maybe it will help you give some comfort to other woman who have been betrayed by their husband for a younger woman.
Best of luck to you and fingers crossed xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all.Just to address some of the questions - the reason the 'confession' happened was because his depression had deepened to the point where his meds had sent him suicidal (possibly brought on by the guilt and realisation he had real feelings for her and was in a mess he had never intended). For quite a few days his behaviour was very erratic and he ended up in a psych assessment unit, on one of the days he had a complete breakdown and that is when the truth came out. As far as I know she has not pressured him and they had no intention of me finding out at that point! In fact when he told her I suddenly knew everything apparently her first reaction was to assume the affair was over - point blank - but it was him that couldn't decide - also the medical situation he was in meant I (and his closest friends) told him not to do anything until he was feeling more clear headed.Is our marriage worth fighting for? Yes - it isn't as simple as him just running off and having an affair. We have discussed at great length where things went wrong with our communications and despite being incredibly close and being one of those couples that nobody would ever expect to have problems it seems that we are the most likely to end up in the 'I Love You But...' scenario. Yes he should have sat me down 2-3 years ago and talked but being a man he did the silly thing and bottled it up, denied he felt that way and then when he started getting depressed about his unhappiness he did something absolutely devastating instead.If you haven't already I would suggest anyone in a relationship should read the book by Andrew G Marshall called 'I Love You But...I'm Not In Love With You'. It has taught me a lot about where we went wrong and it gives me a lot of hope that now we know what to do we may be able to fix it. At the moment he is being very committed to 'us' but of course I know this could change in a heartbeat as it is very early days since his final decision and we haven't started counselling yet. I am also worried about the amount of communication work we need to do as it isn't his strong point! I have a lot to learn about my interactions with him as well. Never take this stuff for granted folks.Do I think he will cheat again? Right now, with her, yes of course it is a distinct possibility. I believe him when he tells me - very sincerely - that he no longer wants to lie to anyone about anything. I believe him because I asked him to hold her off while we took some counselling and he said he couldn't do it, he wouldn't put himself in that situation again after what it had done to his health. In the future? I certainly hope that if we can fix what was wrong (including our sex life) I will know things are ok between us as we will keep the dialogue open. If things don't work out then hopefully we will have the good grace to know we let things go too far and walk away as friends.He knows he has a good woman in me and it is a big part of him staying because he knows his career wouldn't be where it is without me and we really do get on so well but alas it didn't keep him in love with me because of the basic errors we were making in our daily lives. Believe it or not (and I wouldn't blame you if you think I am being silly) he is a very decent man and he says now his strong meds have kicked in he feels like he is 'waking up'.We'll see - but for now I still think there is a reasonable chance for us - albeit a smaller one than there would have been before the affair.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 March 2013):
 Yes, of course you want to fight for what it's yours - but are you sure it's a thing, or person, that's WORTH fighting for ?
Depression ? Must have been a very mild one. One of the main symptoms of depression is the loss of sexual interest , and the inability to find pleasure even in normally pleasurable activities... Everything seems not worth the effort... I'd say that it takes quite a bit of life-affirming proactivity and enthusiasm, to start a secret affair. Romancing a new woman... discovering a new intimacy with a new person after years and years with the 2old" one... organizing secret rendezvous...keeping your antics secret for 18 months... it does not sound like an entreprise for a depressed person , it takes quite some spunk in fact.
He wasn't depressed, he was just bored. I guess it may happen after 22 years of security and predictability. So, he went out, and he got himself a new toy, whith which he probably was playing just while you were working on HIS career.
Is this your " best friend " ? ... maybe you need new friends...
Another thing I would wonder is the timing and reason of his coming out, it won't be , by any chance, that the other woman, after 18 months of secret tryst, got tired and told him to choose her, which he was too chicken to do in typical MM fashion,- or simply, that she got sick and tired and gave him the boot, period ?..
That would take many brownie points off his " sacrifice " and value off his promise... it's easy for him to promise he won't go back to her, if he knows she won't have him back... which would also account for his despondency.
I am not saying that you are wrong in wanting to try anything to fix your marraige, but it troubles me to see that , basically, you are sitting there with bated breath and fingers crossed, hoping that the cure " takes " and somehow he finds back his romantic and sexual feelings...
What about yours , then ? Do you still feel the same, do you still have the same respect, the same physical desire for this man ? ( I don't say the same trust, because you can't have the same trust )...After cheating, telling lies, manipulating, finding excuses and making all about himself and his depression, - is he still the very same man in your eyes ?
If it had happened to your best friend, would you advise to fight for this type of man ?....
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2013):
 I think it is VERY OK that you want to fight for the marriage, give it any and all chances to work. Hopefully HE feels the same way.
Trying "everything" to fix is is how you work. Hopefully HE will try to learn HOW to communicate WITH you instead of going outside the marriage for relief.
Good luck.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 March 2013):
I will be honest with you. In all the years I have been an agony aunt on Dear Cupid I have never seen one single post from a man or woman who said that their husband came back after cheating and all was forgiven and rosy again!!!...it just does not happen.
When I read your dilemma I was like 'Christ!! It's ALL about him and what he wants and how he's coping and his depression' and then I was like...here is this woman who's been a good supportive wife who's being tossed aside for someone younger!!!how utterly shitty!
He may have been your best friend for 22 years but were you his?...he's off darling and not a thought spared for you and your love and friendship. You can see why spurned women go for the throat can't you!!!
Your going to counselling but he's still pining for the bit of skirt. Makes me wonder how ragged and demoralized your going to end up when the process is done with and he's still chasing someone else.
My heart goes out to you. I have had this done to me, a few years ago now and I learned a lot about myself and how life can be turned on it's head in the blink of an eye. If he's saying stuff like 'I love you but am not in love with you' then it's pretty much game over!!
Sorry but a lot of men are sulking selfish sods who only think of themselves. I admire you for bravely holding on to things your end but remember...if it all goes to shit and you want some comforting words, we are all here waiting for you!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxEm
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all - sad to hear but yes I do rather suspect we have little chance and I am preparing myself for that. He isn't blaming the depression but it is a factor. He is being very honest with me and although I am being 'easy' on him I have my reasons and those are so that I am not driving him out of the door until he has made his decision.
I do truly know that we were happy but it seems he had fallen out of love with me some time ago but we still got on so well he wouldn't admit it to himself. No excuse for the affair of course as that should have been a red flag to him! He has said he is very sorry, he knows he has hurt me terribly and that what he did was all wrong but doesn't change the situation we are now in.
Yes he is being very selfish but so am I. If there is any chance of us saving our marriage via counselling (and trying to reconnect and get back that spark - which I am told is possible even if not probable) then I want to take it. If he leaves now it would be too painful for me to remain friends with him but I hope if he does commit to trying and we can at least see where it goes maybe it will be easier for me to accept and we can move on without nastiness.
Without doubt he has been my best friend for the last 22 years and is easily the most important person in my life so far.
I am a pragmatic person but of course it's hard to take emotions out of the equation. For now I do believe he has let her go - lord knows he is sad enough about it - but can he stay away? Well that is to be seen, but I have been very adamant that any contact with her means that it is with us and right now he is not quite prepared to lose everything with me.
A tough road ahead I guess, and one that has no easy answers or guarantees, but I feel it is one we need to tread.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (4 March 2013):
 I know that after being together so long it can seem impossible to think about divorce, but this man is being horribly selfish. Your marriage is already over.
After 18 months of an affair, there is pretty never any reason a cheater should be forgiven. There were 13,000 hours that passed when he could have stopped the affair, not to mention the countless hours leading up to it when he could have prevented it, but he didn't. 18 months is not an indiscretion, it's the end of a marriage. There is really no other way of looking at it. If someone is with someone for 18 months you call them a long term relationship, not a fling.
To top it off, he is not even asking for forgiveness, he is so arrogant that he is indecisive about whether to grant you to privilege of giving him another chance. He isn't sorry. He blames the whole thing on you and "depression" and refuses to take responsibility for his own actions.
I'm sure it's incredibly hard to imagine being with anyone else, but your marriage is over. Don't let him waste more of your time. The man does not deserve your time and money and effort in trying to make it work. He screwed up BIG TIME and is making it like pulling teeth for you to get an apology out of him. I know you can find someone better.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 March 2013):
Seems to me that he is putting ALL the blame on his behavior on YOU and his depression.
You know many people, who are depressed seeks medical attention, they do not cheat.
As for the future. How long do you think til he decides that YOU are not doing it for him? Since he's already told you that you aren't good enough for him any more (physically)- seems to me that he IS taking your totally for granted. He NEEDS you to run his business so he WANTS you to stick around. EVEN if he may never touch YOU in an intimate way again. I don't really think that is fair on you.
Is what the two of you have (RIGHT NOW) worth trying to work it out? You said up on til this happened (2-3 years ago up til now) you two were happy. Are you really sure about that? And I am not asking what HE thinks, I'm asking what you think, because I'm SURE you thought everything was peachy keen while he was cheating those 18 months too. Know what I mean?
Did she give him an ultimatum? Divorce your wife or I'll tell her? Or did he realize what he had been doing for 18 months was detrimental to the marriage ?
Honestly, you don't HAVE to decide now, on what you want. IF you think HE and YOU deserves another chance do the counseling and see what happens. Who knows you might realize that you can not trust this man even with 18 years of marriage.
But I suggest you LISTEN to your OWN feelings, needs & wants, not just HIS.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 March 2013):
From where I'm standing your husband is like a black hole that pulls everything towards him and sees himself as the centre of the universe. It's all about his needs. He's been cheating on you for two years and now he's actually faced with the prospect of losing you (because let's be honest here, he's taking you for granted) he's playing the weepy depressed man. He wants the comfort of a wife at home while banging someone else on the side. He wants the best of both worlds.
Do you really believe he gave her up? I don't. Once a stray, always a stray. It would be different if he'd come back to you begging and saying you're the one he really loves, but he's actually admitted he's not in love with you anymore and only wants to keep you around because it's handy. You've done everything for him, going as far to put his career ahead of yours. And how does he repay you? By cheating on you.
Depression my ass. He's using it as an excuse for his despicable behavior. It's not. Depression doesn't change the fact a person is in charge of his own actions and decisions.
Tell you what, I think you have been and still are way too easy on him. Maybe it's time for you to start looking out for yourself and do what feels right to YOU. He will never fully commit to you again. He's admitted as much. He just expects you to stick around like you always have.
Personally, I believe you deserve better. You deserve to be someone's number one. When you feel the life you're leading is not what you want, I hope you have the strength to start over again.
If you do want to give him another shot (which I'd advise against) you're going to have to stand up for yourself. Don't immediately accept him back into your life as if he didn't just betray everything your marriage stands for. He needs to work for it. You're a very valuable, good person, OP. Realize just how lucky a man would be to have you and act accordingly. He's behaving as if he's some big prize while he's a Razzie to an Oscar. Don't let him con you into thinking you should take him back or that you won't be able to find a man much better suited (or at least one who won't cheat on you)
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