A
female
age
36-40,
*hristinaMaeMurphy
writes:I need some advice... My husband has been acting real shady lately... He'll be on his phone in another room, and then jumps when I walk in the door. He carries his phone into the bathroom with him, won't go anywhere, even in the house, without his phone in his hand, and when he uses it while we're in the same room, he obviously is trying to hide the screen from me. And he changed all his passwords... e-mail, facebook, everything. We were on our way to dinner last weekend... I asked to use his phone to text my brother to check on him cause I didn't have my phone with me. He flipped out when I touched his phone, acting like he was scared of what I was about to see... I asked him to let me see his phone, and he freaked out saying "no, you should just trust me", and while he was in Virginia working (we are both military)... I caught him lying to me about talking to some females on the internet and on his phone, after I had checked the phone bill and saw numerous texts and phone calls to females I've never heard anything about. He tells me that he talks to them about me, and that it's just harmless conversation... If it was harmless, why would he need to lie about it? If these females mean nothing to him than why would he get so defensive when I ask questions about them? He's denying everything, saying he's got nothing to hide... Am I overreacting? Or do I need to pay attention to all these red flags?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): I'm glad you told him to get out. but I don't think it was a good idea to give him the option of "coming home" on the condition that he gives you all his passwords and you can go through anything anytime. you kicked him out but you still refer to your house as his "home" as well. so you're not really kicking him out you're saying "this is still your home"...you haven't been decisive you're being wishy washy.and then what if you decide to take him back on condition he gives you all his passwords. Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life checking his phone and email and facebook every day?? Going crazy whether he's created a new secret account you don't know about? Or whether he's going to a payphone or using a friend or coworker's phone instead of his own? Or whether the names in his address book are really guy friends and he didnt' change the names to trick you?? Once you go down this path of having to check up on your partner, you're pitting yourself against them. You're not a prison guard, that's no way for you to live. I suspect that even if he does clean up his act, the very fact that you're setting up this pattern where you're now a prison guard, is going to destroy your peace of mind because even if you don't find anything today or yesterday you will never know and will always have to keep checking.if you're going to take him back, you have to treat him with dignity and respect and not like a child. Treating him like a naughty boy who needs to be checked up on every day is not going to rebuild your marriage it's going to destroy it but in a different way... if you're going to be married you have to let go and trust him. But, you say, he is not trustworthy and hasn't earned respect? And I certainly agree with this. Then don't get back together at all. End this marriage now. you have all the evidence you need to make this decision already.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Based on your most recent post, I would say you already are sensational.
Brilliant move, hun and good luck!
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A
female
reader, ChristinaMaeMurphy +, writes (13 September 2011):
ChristinaMaeMurphy is verified as being by the original poster of the question TheLaird1: Your advice is inspirational to me... Thank you so much. Yesterday, I told him I wanted him to go stay with his family in Dallas, and that when he's ready to act like a man and take his responsibilities as my husband then we'll discuss his coming home. But if he decides that he would rather keep doing whatever it is that he is doing, then he needs to stay in Dallas because I surely don't want him here. I also told him that if we decide that coming home is something that we want, that there will be no such thing as privacy for him until I feel like I can trust him again. I said "I'm not going to lie to you about the way things are going to be if we decide it's right for you to come back home, it's going to be hard, I want all your passwords for the computer, I'm going to go through your phone and anything else I please." These are my conditions, take it or leave it. I've been scared for so long, to leave him, because of how much it was going to hurt... but hearing the infinite words of wisdom on this page, I'm no longer afraid. I know that I'm going to be sensational no matter what happens with this man.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Hi,
Been there, so you are in the right here. Believe your instincts, your gut feeling. The way you describe the situation, and his behavior, he's lying, hiding something from you. Funny, how man behave when they are not honest, almost like they have a book teaching them how to lie? Sounds just like my ex.
Don't accuse him of anything yet, cause you don't have concrete proof, but just be aware. Whatever happens, handle the situation in a calm matter, that's the only way you will get the truth. Being angry, forcing him will only make things worst, and will only destroy the chances go know the real truth. Hope you can work things out with your boyfriend, and wish you well.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Thelaird1  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 I wish you the very best of luck. It's so easy for people to say dump him, but it's never that easy. I put my ex through the same thing, and although I wasn't cheating, I was texting another girl. We both made many mistakes and she is now much happier without me. We both learned from the mistakes we made and although we are now divorced and in new relationships, we are closer now than we ever were throughout the relationship. She is now one of my closest friends.I strongly regret texting another girl. It was flirty, but cheating was something I could not have done.I hope he sees his mistakes and has not cheated, but I also hope that you both sort things out and he gives you good reason to trust him again, so you can work on making the marriage work.Please keep me updated
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 September 2011):
 You can ignore all those red flags, if you choose.... but I expect that there are enough that the stack of them will become unbalanced and fall over upon you sometime in the future. You won't be able to ignore them, then.....
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A
female
reader, sraight2dapnt +, writes (12 September 2011):
trust me the he"s cheating his ass off..wait untill he leave and push redail..you will know unless he erase the number
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A
female
reader, ChristinaMaeMurphy +, writes (12 September 2011):
ChristinaMaeMurphy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked him to do the 24 hour trade off, he says he'll do it... ofcourse this is after I gave him an ultimatum of get right or get out.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Guilty conciece? maybe? i don't like be snuck up on either though so perhaps a bell around your ankle would be safer.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 September 2011):
You are right to be concerned. Since you said he's being shady lately, it means his behavior has changed. If he wasn't secretive before and he is now, something is definitely up.
Tell him: "Look I understand the concept of privacy but don't play me for a fool. People who have nothing to hide don't get paranoid when I ask to make a call with their phone when I forgot mine. You lie to me about who you talk to, there are strange numbers on the phone bill and you get jumpy when I get into the room as if you're afraid I'd overhear a secret. And then you just tell me to trust you and expect me to just accept that? I would like to, I really do, but you're making it really hard for me." And then ask for the phone test like TheLaird1 said.
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A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Agree,something fishy going on.
Do you know his friends/colleagues? You can ask their help.
A family is build up frm Love between two persons.Apart frm trust,confidence, respect and sharing are important things. Pls tell him across that you respect and loyal to him and expect the same things frm him. Ask him, Can you do that? Why are you distracted recently? pls explain. Do you know that i'm very sad about this?
keep me updated. thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): Trust your instincts every time. He sounds as if he is acting like someone on the defensive. I think you are right to be concerned.
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A
male
reader, Thelaird1 +, writes (12 September 2011):
Be straight with him and tell him you don't trust him and suspect he is up to no good. If he says that you should trust him, then tell him to give you good reason to trust him.
Ask him to take the phone test. Ask to swap phones for 24 hours and see his reaction. Even if he has nothing to hide, you will surprise him greatly by this request.
In all honesty, I think he is lying to you and blatantly has something to hide. Relationships are about trust and faithfulness. I think he fails at both.
You deserve better and someone you can trust, not someone who can blame your lack of trust on you.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (12 September 2011):
Pay attention to the red flags.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, rile962 +, writes (12 September 2011):
If your gut is telling you to pay attention to the situation, pay attention to it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 September 2011):
 i do not think you are over reacting. I think there is something going on with someone... whether it's physical or emotional does not matter.. it's a betrayal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): You definitely need to pay attention to these red flags, as you said. Sounds really suspicious to me.
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