A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive always had issues w my hubby and computers. If i am overeacting on any of this please tell me. Last month, he got a facebook and didnt tell me. The only way i found out about it was he was suggested to be one of my friends. No big deal. until i check out his profile, and its his ex girlfriends as friends and not me, and not even any of his family members. Should i be upset by this? I confronted him politely and he said i was overreacting that there was nothing wrong with that. I dont have any ex's on my facebook by the way. This am i let him use my computer here at work while im eating breakfest. Ive logged into my facebook to show him some pics and walked off. he whent to another site, and i wanted to show him one more thing on my facebook before he left. Well i had to log in again....my computer saves my login info. So we watched the video, i walked off again, and he was still on the computer. After he left, i went back to facebook, and i had to log in again.... I knew something was up. I checked the history and it was gone..... i cant help but to feel sick inside. What in the world should i do?
View related questions:
at work, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): I can relate~~~~ I choose not to be a friend of my husband's on sophmoric FB page as he has so many female friends from old school days. I am quite content with my FB page with many friends sharing many common interests. My female friends and I have a joke about male FB "harems" those guys that just sort of browse, pick, and choose, female friends. We have seen some men have up to thousands of friends ---all female. This must say something about their own self image and security.
What is really sketchy is the secretive behavior, the hiding, erasing history, and OF COURSE, not requesting you as a friend. Many itmes on FB as you well know are pages or groups to shunt the browser or "friend" into porn, there is also a Zoosk a dating site and probably many others, and there may be groups or pages that your husband may "like" that he does not want you to see, least of all his comments and remarks to his exes. Pretty pathetic, really...to collect exes and not real from the heart friends.
A
female
reader, angela75 +, writes (15 September 2010):
 There are several varieties of relationships available. You can choose between open or closed, serious or not serious or the ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement that is currently popular. Which ever you choose, he must agree with it or the relationship
is over before it has begun. If he wants something different and negotiation is not possible, then just say goodbye.
Within a relationship, of any kind, fair is fair and effective communication is key. This means if you want him to do this, you had better be prepared to do that. Talk with him not at him. Listen to him without looking for hidden meanings or defensively filtering his message. The ’silent treatment’ and the ‘using sex as a reward’ treatment are childish games. Any use of them immediately diminishes your credibility.
Whatever your past has been, focus upon this man, right here, right now. He should not have to pay for others’ past crimes. No ‘past thinking’. He is not solely responsible for the future of this relationship. No ‘future thinking’. All relationships are a team
effort. If you cannot talk about the issue sensibly as an
adult, either it wasn’t important, so you drop it, or you are too close to it and need more time to think it through. There is no such thing as ‘making up’, there are only problems solved.
Do not demand exclusivity unless you are prepared to marry him right then and there. While you are dating, you have only those rights over him that he chooses to give you. You cannot make demands, other than condom usage and respectful treatment, and be thought of as an adult. You do not own him. You do own yourself so take control of
your life – be a whole person with a wonderful life before you go seeking someone to share it with you. This is what you must do if you wish to have any credibility at all and not just with men.
if you need more suggestion then you can read more articles about this type of situation at http://ishemarried.org/articles/166/relationship-advice-for-women-relationships/
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Based on your follow ups, I do think it's time for a conversation about this. He deleted his profile after you found it... That's a really bad sign. I'm with the others who don't buy his excuses. He was up to no good. My guess is that you caught him before anything really happened, but I'd also be less trusting of him for a while.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 September 2010):
 I would and let him know that there is something not right about keeping and acting in secret. I don't buy his excuse of not adding you because he sees you all the time. If it were me and if I was proud of you being my girlfriend, you'd be added to show you off to everyone else, and adding your partner is a way of showing them how you accept them in your life, with or around your friends and generally as being part of you. His reasoning is misguided and unacceptable.
...............................
A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Well first off, having a facebook and hiding it from your wife is very odd behaviour. It's facebook, pretty much everyone has one, it's well talked of, why on earth would he not mention that he had one? And deleting his history says it all. There is no reason why someone would delete their history unless they were obviously hiding something. In a healthy marriage you shouldn't have to hide what you're looking at or doing on the computer.
Personally, I think having your ex's on Facebook is a good idea, however if you wish to is okay, I don't see why anyone should particularly want to but each to their own. But the fact that he has all of his ex's on there and NOT you nor has he even told you, is not at all a good sign.
I had a similar situation with my ex; I was okay with him having his ex's on facebook, until I realised every time he came off it the hiostory was clear. I done my detective work, and too frequantly for my liking, he had been browsing their pictures, all of them, and not one of mine.
Ultimatly, if you feel that something is wrong, you should go with your gut feeling and either talk to him about it, or set up something on his computer that keeps log of what he goes on. I know this sounds a little drastic, but when you look at it like this, a man that is obviously lieing to you, keeping dodgey things from you, and not respecting you, is most likely going to be defensive and secretive about what you have to say. So doing your own detective work may be the best way to do this. That way you have proof of what he has been up to for your own eyes to see, and then he cannot lie to you anymore.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshould i confront him again?
...............................
A
female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Yeah I am sorry, but something seems a little off here. Okay doesn’t mean he is cheating on you but its wrong! What is he doing looking at all of his ex's?! Does his status say, " Married to 'your name' "????? Does he have pictures of you and him??? This kind of stuff really matters. Can you see if he has posted anything on any of their walls? or visa versa?
Honestly, it really could be nothing, but its important to get to the bottom of it. And don’t let him put you down by saying, "Your over reacting" that’s BS! You need to explain to him that in your heart something doesn’t feel right, and there should be no reason for you, as his wife to ever feel un-easy. He also needs to understand you are not choosing to feel this way. Stand up for yourself, and what is right and what isn’t!
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Having exes on Facebook is OK. Hiding his facebook from you, friending all his exes, and then telling you you're overreacting (to something totally sketchy) is not OK. If he wasn't active on facebook, I'd understand. But using fb as a way to secretly keep tabs on exes, then hiding from you is not a good sign. I don't think it really means anything is going on with his exes, but at best it shows a pretty significant disregard for you and your marriage. He's probably trying to maintain a bit of his single self (minus the sleeping with/dating other people) by flirting with exes online. I'd investigate this further. Deleting his history means he's trying to hide something from you.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 September 2010):
I'd have to agree that their is something sketchy going on here. It sounds like a second life he's leading. It's not okay if he's not inviting you as friends. Why would he have a profile that you didn't know about. He erased his history which is a sign of hiding something. You are not over reacting. He's given you reason to react, which in a marriage, shouldn't be there in the first place. I look at behavior in a simple way, that if you have to hide what you do, it's probably something you shouldn't be doing in the first place. I'd ask him what's going on here, because his actions are not conducive to having a happy marriage.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes, they are his only friends, no marital status listed, and he deleted his account after i found it. But i didnt tell him to delete it. He said he wasnt my friend because it would be pointless to be a friend to somebody you see all the time.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
The facebook stuff is less sketchy then the behavior he's exhibiting. I can see why you're nervous. Are his ex gf's his only friends on there? That's not good. If he has other friends, then that is less of an issue.
Has he added you yet? Has he put his status as married to you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Cathleen  +, writes (15 September 2010):
I think you are not over reacting if the history is gone it must mean he deleted it , but why? from experince with my ex this is because he is hiding something from you i cant tell you what it is but you should find out and there is supose to be honesty in a marrige and he isnt
...............................
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (15 September 2010):
It's impossible to say without knowing your husband but you do seem paranoid and distrusting towards him. Have you always been like this? It sounds like you should address this insecurity as whole, rather than concentrate on this specific issue.
But taking everything on face value, I can't see that he is doing anything wrong.
...............................
|
