A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a girl for several months now who I absolutely love and even live together with. She has many guy friends and has always been very open about things with them and has never hidden that some of them have romantic interests with her.Naturally it makes me feel uncomfortable and if I question her friendship she gets upset. Her view is she has explained to them she is with me and will be friends only with them. I'm not against her having guy friends at all, or even hanging out with them but I feel that some of them have been crossing the line by sending extremely long emails and even actual gifts in the mail.If another woman sent me a gift in the mail I'd immediately call her up and tell her she was sweet and I appreciate that she sent me something but it was inappropriate because I'm in a relationship and would ask that she never does anything like that again. I haven't said this to my girlfriend because I know it will just make her upset and she will break it down that I have a trust issue. I suppose I do have a trust issue when I feel that she is allowing things to go on that I feel are inappropriate in our relationship and it can be hurtful for me and difficult to just receive a package in the mail for her from another guy and act like nothing is wrong. On the positive side she has never misled me about anything or hid anything from me and tells me the way everything is. Regardless this is difficult for me and I worry it might build up and ruin our relationship. I'm 30 and she is in her late 20s and I've never felt this way about someone and I really don't want to lose her, but at the same time I can't stay unhappy or always wondering about things.Any kind of thoughts, suggestions, or input would be greatly appreciated.... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, thanks so much for your input. I've never felt so strongly about someone but I can't do this so I'm going to move on. I've been desperately trying to convince myself things are okay and I think I've just been a big fool in the end. Today alone I talked to her on the phone while she was on a business trip and with other guys and they were having dinner. I said I love you and she hesitated and said 'ditto', as if she didn't want to say I love you back in front of everyone. Later I texted her and she disappeared and later told me she had gone boating with a guy and got ice cream so she was distracted. It doesn't matter if she did anything inappropriate or not but nothing adds up and I simply can't continue this uncertainty and pain so I'm going to do what I felt I should have done earlier.
A
female
reader, cinc71  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Communication is the key. You need to be able to talk to her, talk in "I" I feel... It makes me unconfortable when... if you don't have a good communication with your partner it will never work i think. It's important to resolve issues as they come along cause they will follow you. I've been in a relationship for 17 years and i'm 32. I know what i'm talking about. Good luck ;-)
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (17 August 2011):
@ the anonymous male reader age 37: Your situation is entirely different. You weren't going to your girlfriend saying that your best friend (a woman) has feelings for you.
You know, if someone is in a relationship and you are trying to break them apart so you can have them for yourself, its an act of selfishness and hostility (toward that person's signifcant other).
This woman is forwarding this hostility to her boyfriend and doing nothing about it (and I am sorry, her restraining herself from having relations is not enough. She is encouraging this hostile intent just by being around. Why? Even if she never flirted with any of these men, she knows that just her being there is enough to inspire the romantic feelings).
Its almost like the person who comes to you and says "A lot of people are saying bad things about you, but don't worry, I stuck up for you". And the person not only says that, but remains friends with you and the supposedly hostile parties. Its a perfect way for them to hide their hostility towards you. A true friend would NOT forward criticisms to you and would quietly stop hanging out with those other critical people. Get the parallel?
I would not be surprised if the next thing was "I had to sleep with him, he understands me and trusts me. I could not stand your lack of trust anymore"
Blah blah blah.
Its psychological warfare, plain and simple.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Hmmm, I'm not sure this is quite as black and white as the first two aunts and uncles have stated but perhaps that's due to interpretation of the information the OP gave.
I am a guy of 37. All my closest friends are female. It just happened that way, probably because I grew up in a small town and the girls in my class outnumbered the boys 7:1. If I had to name my ten closest friends, 9 of them would be female.
It doesn't necessarily mean I fancy all of them. In fact, I don't fancy any of them. I did fancy one of them once, but that was a long time ago. I buy them nice presents on birthdays and Christmas and we spend quality time together, sometimes with their boyfriends/my girlfriend, sometimes 1-to-1. My best friend is female and we email each other a couple of times a day. There is nothing more there, we are like brother and sister.
My girlfriend accepts this. It is who I am. These are my friends, who were on the scene before she was and will be there if we don't run the course. A prior girlfriend didn't like the fact that I had a female best friend and wanted me to choose. I said I wouldn't. She said I could keep my friend but we weren't allowed to see each other alone or send presents because it would disrespect her. She was convinced my friend had feelings for me (which she SO doesn't). The girlfriend was paranoid and had convinced herself there was something there. So I chose. I chose my best friend. Because my girlfriend couldn't accept my friends, that they were important to me, and that I was 100% trustworthy.
Unless a line has genuinely been crossed - ie, a friend really declares something for her, makes a real play or 'declaration of intent', or your girlfriend doesn't treat you as priority (I may have a female best friend but my girlfriend still comes first), then you may have a little chat.
If you don't trust your girlfriend around her friends, then, actually it's your problem and not hers. Sorry.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): She isn't respecting your relationship if she lets it go as far as you are saying she does.
She is also taking advantage of these guys if she knows they are doing these things for romantic reasons and she just lets them do it knowing she won't return their affections. Once or twice would be okay but she should have made them stop it a long time ago from the sound of things.
...............................
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (17 August 2011):
I'm a girl with a lot of guy friends and none of them would ever send me gifts or long emails. I make it very clear my door is closed. I had a BF up until a week ago who I was very much in love with. I talked about him all the time to them and they knew they didn't have a shot. I say go with your gut. She may not be cheating - but she is enjoying or encouraging the attention.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 August 2011):
 So you are saying if your female friend sent you a gift you would thank her and stop being her friend? Either the friendship becomes too awkward or one person gets hurt. Perhaps your girlfriend can handle this well and have good self control. I think it's a pride issue also. You are thinking, "how dare you hit on my girlfriend, she's taken!"
Questions to ask yourself: Does she treat you as priority? If you are sick and she has a party with her guy friends, could she drop them easily and take care of you? Does she confide in you mostly, or in other guy friends? Have you talked about where this relationship is going?
Just wondering because you've only been seeing each other for several months. Unless the guys see a ring on her finger they would always try.
People have become so untrustworthy nowadays, terms like boyfriends and girlfriends don't matter. People say things they don't mean. That's why marriage is not just a piece of paper. Even when people get married they don't take their vows seriously. Sometimes you are the only person you can trust. The safer option is to date a girl with few friends. But with any person you always find something that's worrisome to you. More often than not a woman with lots of guy friends is trouble.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (17 August 2011):
You both need to have the same values. Maybe she can find a man with a lot of lady friends who have expressed romantic interests in him.
I would not keep a woman in my social circle who wanted me romantically and sent me long emails and/or gifts. I am married, and it would be disrespectful to my wife. She is the same towards me.
Obviously your attention isn't enough for her. And by that I don't mean the solution is give her more attention.
Let her go, she will be fine, she has got them lining up for her. Besides, its about time she learned that not every man is going to put up with this s##t.
By the way, if she thinks you have a trust issue, tell her that she has a RESPECT issue. This is all just plain rude and all this "openness" she has about all this is just a substitute for her really being able to govern her actions and respect how you feel (because she can't).
Have her recite this: "I really don't think that if you have affections for me that its appropriate for us to be in touch. I have to respect the way my boyfriend feels and its not a good situation for you either".
You WILL find women who think this way and are of a higher calibur than the one you are seeing now.
...............................
|
