A
male
age
36-40,
*yroshadow
writes:Hey,I am seeing a girl, I been with her for over three months now. We have a really good relationship, even though its only three months in, we are really good together and spend more time together then either one of us has with former lovers.So a little more back ground. I am in mid 20's and she early 30's. Only reason age comes into play is because how long she was with her Ex.My Girlfriend has done things in the past I really am sickened by. When I think about some of these things I get sick to stomach and nearly vomit.My girlfriend has done threesomes in the past, with two guys. She explained the first time was kind just and accident and happened with some guy she worked with. But after that, with her ex it was a thing they did on a regular bases. She says she knew the guys for the threesomes and they weren't random strangers so that helps me deal with it a little and makes me a tiny bit better but not nearly enough.She also let him blindfold her and allowed him let a bunch of guys gangbang her. She doesn't know who the guys where, she guesses there was 4 or 5. I know the number of boyfriends she has had and know she only had one random one night stand, so i did the math on the about she had threesomes with, and its at least 7 different guys, plus the guys from the gangbang. I though I was dealing with it okay. I had the occasional freak out but... I don't know anymore. It's really bothering me. We were online together one night, laying in bed with her laptop and she was taking of those stupid online quiz things. One of the questions was how many guys have you kissed. I laugh kind of because it default to 15+ and I was look it already knows you. She changes it saying she didn't really kiss a lot of guys. and changes it to 3-7. romisThe only thing I could think was that is what prostitute do. No mouth kissing. It bothers me a lot now. I can't stop thinking about her past and how grossed out I am about it. I made her get tested for everything. She didn't get anything which is good, but still it bothers me.How could you put the penis of some stranger into your mouth when you haven't even kissed them!If I ever think about it when I am near her I get kind of sad and depressed and I know she notices and knows why because we have talked about it before. I know it kills us both.I have read all the other "My girlfriend is promiscuous" questions here. But none of them talk about girls that did things like mine did. If she had sex with 20 guys. All one at time, I wouldn't care in the least bit. It's the gangbangs and threesomes that bother me. How do I get over this and move past it? Can I even move past it? Should I keep trying to be with her and torture us both?
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male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (29 October 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has lied to me about some stuff from the past. She lied about a lot of stuff early in our relationship. We told each other no lies. She knew I had trust problems....
I have ended it with her.
Thank you everyone.
TTM most of all thank you so much for trying so hard
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): Pyroshadow. Appologys to you. I didnt realise you were only 23.
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A
male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (26 October 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009)
First:
I did get jealous when she used to go out with her single older male friend. When I first met this man, my girlfriend and I were not dating we were just friends. I did little to hide my interest in my girlfriend. I could tell right away that this guy was interested in her too. Yes my gf is 8 years older then me, so I am 23 that makes her 31. This guy was in this mid 40's. I used remeber how old he was but stopped caring.
Anyways, The second time I had met this man, my girlfiend and I had just started dating. She had planned a gathering at pool hall before we started to date and i though it would still be fun to come. We werent boyfriend and girlfriend at the time. But we still holding hand most of the night. When he came, he noted this. In fact, i could see him look over a few times to make sure he was seeing this right. Now I am an asshole. When guys think they have a shot with the girl I am with, I do my damnest to make sure they know they dont. So when he would look over I would kiss her or touch her.
She would still go out with him alone for a drink or whatever twice a month. One day we had gotten into a fight and she said she was going out with him and I told her I dont like her going out iwht him because he clearly has feelings for her. She went off on me about how its rare that a boy and girl can be friends without have some sort of romantic feelings. She said she didnt have any feelings for him, that she had kissed him once but that was it. ANd she said that she knew it a mutual that the kiss proved there was nothing between them.
Well three months later, he writes an email to her telling her how much he is in love with her.
Things like that make me jealous. She hasnt go out with him alone since.
@TTM
TTM, I value everything you say and would hate to see your account get into any kind of trouble. He is not worth it friend. Not at all.
Everyone following this post knows how much of a caring man you are. We all also know how much you love your wife. I also think that your wife has really come to terms with her past. When you said told me how she had said:
"I don't care if you think I was a slut. I think I was too at times. Don't feel bad about feeling that way, but there is nothing I can do about it now."
That show she is okay with her past and knows it was bad.
And for anon male.... My girlfriend knows i am on this fourm and that I have posted here. Well she doesnt know what fourm but I have told her about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): Anon male, at least I use a screen name and there are people here who know who I am. I chose to not use my real name on this site because of the risk of some mentally unstable person seeing it. You are a primary example of why people should not use their real names. In any case, you are so cowardly that you can't even have a screen name so that others can place you on the site.
My reason for writing in this question was to try to help the person who posted the question, while your primary goal is to cause trouble and start arguments. Well, you can be proud that you succeeded for a while, but from here on out you may respectfully go to hell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): Pyroshadow if it wasnt jealousy you would be just as disgusted over her having sex with you. Is it just a coincidence that you only have a problem with the other men. The fact is that you chose to stay with a woman who sickened you and you have somehow managed to justify your decision to do so to yourself. Good for you. Most people will admit they get jealouse sometimes. I know i have. You gents wont entertain the idea that you may be insanely jealouse. And i know denial when i see it. If you wont accept you have this problem your not going to get the right help.Troubled... At least have the decency to insult me in your own name in future please. I dont know any woman who would be ok knowing her partner had put lurid details of her entire sex life in the public domain. Its unlikely you allow her near the pc. If she was ok with what you had put about her then what did you do to her self respect. Do you really feel that you couldnt have expressed your problem without giving cock size. If you talk of the lovers in her past its safe to assume we all worked it out for ourselves that they probably had cocks. If this is all you guys have to worry about I wonder how you would cope with real tragedy.
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A
male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (25 October 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question@A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009)
I am not jealous of her past lovers. I am not jealous of what she has done.
I am sickened by it. I find it disgusting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): "These thoughts are just my opinion based on what my wife did after leaving her first
husband and seeing what other women do and from discussions on this and other boards.
How would she feel if she were to see this. How would you feel reading her side of
things in public ?"
She has read all of this and nearly everything I have ever written here and on other boards. I would also be happy if she got an account here and wrote her thoughts. In addition, we have both discussed our sides of the story with two of the women on this board and one very close friend. You really need to pull your head out of your ass and learn how to write and think.
"Dont forget. You also said you didn't think you would find anybody better than her.
Selective about what you chose to believe. ie: My wife has told me that no one,
including her first husband, cared for her enjoyment of sex and was as affectionate
as I have always been with her.
What did you expect her to say ?"
I expect her to tell me the truth, just as she did about the guy with the 8 inch dick, who was also the best kisser she ever had. She also told me about the guys who she thought could screw better than I did, at least when I met her and we first dated. That is why I believe her when she told me that I was the most affectionate and the best at giving her oral and orgasms (oral are her best orgasms). I also believe her because another woman who I dated told me that. I also told her what she was best at and what other women were better at. Again, you don't know shit and your comments show it.
My wife and I started to read this together. Her first comment after reading a bit of what you wrote is, "Who is this asshole?" That about sums it up. Your garbage is not worth reading any more of.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): Intelligent men with well written arguements. But. I didnt notice any men mention let alone admit to any jealousy.I would love to here their wives side of the story.All the men who are suffering most had few sexual partners themselves before marriage but.The only perspective they had stemmed from the experience gained from those women. ie :they were the same as my wife. However. "They were nice".Interesting pattern of every womans history in detail no matter how briefly they were with them.Comparing them with your wifes while fearing your wife may compare you to the other men.If she had been greatly more promiscuous than the others then I would have likely dumped herI dont believe that you set any target.If she had another 6 partners you would still say the same thing. Dont forget. You also said you didnt think you would find anybody better than her.Selective about what you chose to believe. ie: My wife has told me that no one, including her first husband, cared for her enjoyment of sex and was as affectionate as I have always been with her.What did you expect her to say ?A woman poster wrote...Women want men to be men. This means acting like men which in a women’s eyes is acting like an animal. (think cats). If you are holding us like a china doll we feel special not desired.This is a real woman who can speak her mind. Unlike your wives who had to endure.it was behavior that I was always taught was something to avoid and to not be with a woman like that.And you bought it. My parents didnt talk about sex. Because it was dirty. You never learned that what your parents didnt want you to do was garunteed to be fun.That is why we guys have trouble choosing women who share our values as far as sex is concerned.The truth is your values or lack of social skills left it impossible for you to find an equal. That is why women make bad decisions choosing a man.Not really. They settle for second best just like you did. I could ask the question, "Why do women fall in love with a man who has cheated on his past partner?" The answer is the same; there is no sign on him that says "I'm a cheater."There was no sign on you that said you were going on a mission to punish her for her past and be her savioure.If she does regret it, but just can't admit it to herself then it could take many months of gentle discussion for her to realize that. However, you can't push her into it.Just keep banging on till she tells you what you want to heare.It's up to you whether you leave her. A lot of guys do that and I strongly considered it the first 2 years that I dated my wife. I came close a couple of times, as she refused to talk about it Interesting. Not what she had done but she wouldnt talk. Didnt want to play with you.and said things that made it sound like she was fine with 1 night stands and sleeping with guys who she had just met that night. She wasn't, but she could not admit it.Seems like whatever she said wasnt the truth you wanted to heare.What do you expect her to say? Do you expect her to say that she was a slut and ask forgiveness? Do you want her to say that she is ashamed of what she did? Do you want her to say that she wishes she could take her behavior back and not to have done those things? Well, maybe she feels all of those things, but don't expect her to admit it. Maybe someday, but not yet. It is too earlyYes. Thats what you want her to say. Eventually. All her pausing and her nearly say i cant do it it over like 1000 times, and me doing nearly the same thing shows she means it. I am not forcing her to regeit but i have her reasons on why.If a 1000 times isnt forcing then what is.These thoughts are just my opinion based on what my wife did after leaving her first husband and seeing what other women do and from discussions on this and other boards.How would she feel if she were to see this. How would you feel reading her side of things in public ?I am a man and i understand what it feels like when a woman has a bit more history than you expected. Many years ago one woman told me she had 16 men. I had only chalked up 14 women. Bummer. But we had a relationship which ended because all we did was fuck and fight anyway. However. As i am not such a nice guy i have learned much more about women. I have had more to chose from. I am man enough to deal with a womans past.I am man enough to dump one i think is a slut. Not just say i nearly did but..You guys take a woman you KNEW you werent happy with and punished her till she broke. Middle aged nice guys. I pity your wives.You are the ones with the problem. You should have got laid more like they did. You are bitter. Those nasty men who women tell you about. A lot of women have these storys. You take them with a pinch of salt. You expect them to tell an insecure guy she has had better or bigger. She may have been a slut in your eyes. But she aint fkn stupid.In my opinion you married them because you knew you couldnt change her past but that punishing her would make up for it. And you made her believe she deserved it.While you cant admit your jealous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Vectra I based my opinion on specifically what was written by the OP about his girlfriend and her behavior and what she has said to him. You are entitled to your opinion, but I did not tar all swingers with my statement, you are jumping to conclusions when you say that.
You don't want to know what my opinion is on that and I won't share it with you. In the future if you have some issue with my advice instead of painting me with a brush, why don't you PM me and take it up with me in private. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Based on what I have read and experienced, I believe that it is relatively common for women who have been in a bad relationship to be promiscuous for a time. This is especially true if they have been constantly criticized and put down. They lack self confidence and use sex to get the attention that they are seeking. They might also do it to get back at their former partner in some way, even though that person has no idea what they are doing. I have read where more than one women feels bad about being promiscuous, but just can't stop because it makes her feel attractive or wanted for a while.
I have tried to understand this behavior and do understand it to a great extent, but parts still confuse me. I don't approve of it and think it is counter productive and actually extends the healing process. I have never been interested in women like this, at least not until they get over this phase. This is probably the mental part that RandB is referring to. If so, I have to agree with her that it is a mental condition that makes them act that way. They are not insane, but they are greatly troubled. Again, not the type of woman who I am seeking. I have never been out for a quick screw with someone cheap and easy. I what a women to go to bed with me when she is in control of herself and is confident of herself. That is probably why I have not had many sexual partners. I have always wanted someone who I know to a certain extent and think will provide a good relationship and not a quick pickup at a bar for the night. There are plenty of men who seek out these troubled women for a quick screw.
These thoughts are just my opinion based on what my wife did after leaving her first husband and seeing what other women do and from discussions on this and other boards.
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male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (22 October 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Vectra"A good chance that one or more might have been abusive or had std's or made her pregnant etc."I force her to get tested. Well I asked and she has. And I am going to make her again since its been a few months and sometimes it takes while before shit shows up.And yes she has been in abusive relationships. She was raped by the man she later married. She doesn't talk about that relationship at all but from what she has told me it was very abusive.I asked her if she ever been pregnant, she said no. We talked about this when we decided not to use condoms. She is on the pill and we both agreed that if it failed we both believe in abortion. "There are thousands of swingers in UK holding regular meetings. They get up to more than this girl did and go every month. "She had threesomes more then once a month. The gangbang is worst then swingers. With swingers that have meetings, the woman isnt blindfold and fucked by strangers. That is so filthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): troubledtoomuch that was a very interesting post.If i can just chip in regarding this part.I believe that both men and women act promiscuously because they lack self-confidence and are troubled in some way.I think that may explain it for women but not for men. Arent men hard wired to spread their seed. In order to do that they have to attract women. So how can they lack self confidence yet have lots of partners.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): rhythmandblues2 I am very suprised that you put this down to a mental health issue when all you know about the women is that she had threesomes. You should know better than that. There could be any number of other reasons why she did it. Maybe coerced into it. Forced into it. Or god forbid she may have actually wanted it. There are thousands of swingers in UK holding regular meetings. They get up to more than this girl did and go every month. Are they all suffering mental health problems.They are from all walks of life. Lots are professional people and even judges. They dont talk openly about it. Its not something i would want to do with any woman of mine either. But i thought we were all different. If you dont understand why some enjoy it thats fair enough. But dont tar them all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): WTF difference does it make if she kissed the guy before taking it in her mouth. And i dont see how you would be happier if she had twenty. Your not looking at the big picture. Your thinking 20 cocks right.
But its twenty relationships with twenty different men. A good chance that one or more might have been abusive or had std's or made her pregnant etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): You are very welcome. I am happy that I could have helped and I hope things work out for you. From my own experience, there will be some difficult moments at times, but then that is true of all relationships for various reasons. None are perfectly smooth.
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A
male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (20 October 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have finally come to my final thoughts. I spent basiclly last 2 weeks distance myself from her past and the last week distancing myself from her.
I was able to come to term with that yes this will bother me. And yes I love my girlfriend and do want to marry her. (By the way for those of you just reading, this is almost month 7 of our relationship)
I understand that her past is part of her. I know that it has fucked her up and made her question some things. I understand how it effected her and her reasoning for doing it.
I will never accpet what she did, I can not let it go. But I am able to accpet her for the woman she is. I am willing to take her and all her flaws and all my flaws and build a life with her.
I love her.
It will be the hardest thing I ever do, but I will do it for her and for me. I will let her past just be. I will love her for the careing understanding compassating woman that she is. And I know she can not undo the past and I will accpet her.
TTM Thank you. You have inspired me so much. Just reading what you wrote over and over and over again until my eyes where nearly bleeding. Trying to understand how hard it for everyone and how hard it was for the girls to do what they did. I'm sure she regeits is and will work with me on it. And I know that if it was for you, I would have made the biggest mistake of my life.
I wish there was some way to thank you, to express how much I appericate all you have done for me. You have been so selfless with your wife and with others who are going though what you went though.
TTM, Thank You.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): It was not a waste of time. We all have things in our lives that bother us and that we have a difficult time making decisions on. Some of these things others might think are silly, but they are not silly to those of us who are having a hard time with them. In the end, it is up to us to make the decisions that are the best for us. It is good to not make those decisions in a hurry and to take the time to think them out. That is what you have done. It took me over 2 years to decide if I wanted to stay with my wife when we started dating 30 years ago. It took another 4 years to decide if I wanted to marry her. We both think that waiting and taking the time to make the right decision was best for both of us.
Good luck in whatever you finally do and good luck in your next relationship if you do end this one. Also, be as gentle as possible to her if you end the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): It wasn't a waste of time and energy if it helped you come to a decision.
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male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (3 October 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009)Yes, no one is normal when it comes to sexual craving and desires. Lets us me as an example: Almost all (cept for now 2 girls) that have I been in a long term relationship with have called me master. They were in essence my sexual slaves girls. They were okay with this and willing agreed. I also was very big into fantasy rape. So yeah I am one to talk about normal. But what my girlfriend did bothers me. She was blindfold and had sex with an unknown amount of strangers. I can not accept this, I can not look at her and think of her as the woman I want to raise my children anymore. I am now 99.999999% sure that when we return from our camping trip, I will be ending my relationship with her. Since the start of our relationship, she always been in it for her. It always about whats best for her and maybe she right, maybe that how a relationship should be. What best for you and hopefully that best for the other person too. I have to be selfish and do whats best for me that is to end the torment I am putting myself though. Everyone here has tried to help me, thank you so much... and I'm so sorry I wasted your time energy and effort.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Hi everyone - wow, so many opinions, so here's mine for what it's worth.Sexual desire and cravings must be the most poorly understand part of our psyche. It pushes us to do things we would barely consider if we were 'sober' and did not have hormones pulsing around us, fuelled by images and thoughts that we have stored throughout our upbringing.Sex is only a small part of our lives, and for most of us, does not define us as a person.I don't mean this to sound like some psychiatric mumbo jumbo, but see the person when you are both in your normal state, and ask yourself, do you love them - if you do, the past sex history is irrelevant, because nobody, and i mean nobody is 'normal' when it comes to sexual desires and cravings.Now I just need to love my wife and stop looking at porn!!!
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (30 September 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Everyone.
I might love her, but its not enough. We have a camping trip be have been planing for months now.
These past 6 months with her have been great, for the most part. But maybe be just are not right for each other. Like Dave said, I can find someone more compatible with me.
Its good I see this 6 months in and not 6 years in.
When we get back from our camping trip, I will see how I feel but most likely a few weeks after that I think I am going to have to leave her.
This time its not if can do this for me... its not a can you do this for me, it's i cant be with you. I'm ready for it.
I want everyone to know...... sometimes it doesnt work. It just doesnt.
When your heart knows its over, its over. If you cant look at her and be sickened because all you see is her past. Its time t let go.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Hey mate,
I've been in a very similar situation to yours so I hope what I have to say can help you. I've recently (and finally) broken up with my girlfriend over similar issues. We were together on and off for a year and half and I was constantly battling the same issues as you.
I'm 24 and was a virgin before I was with her (by choice, I believe in God and wanted to wait for who I thought was the right girl). I found out after we'd had sex that she'd been with 18 guys, 2 of whom she'd been with since we'd met when we we're broken up(I did know about those 2 and tried to accept it).
It's not about the girl being a bad person or anything like that. I believe it's about your morals and core values. At the end of the day they're among the most important characteristics in a relationship. If you can't accept her and her past you really have to let her go and find a girl better suited to you. It wont be easy in the short term but trust me if you're only 3 months in don't wait till it's a year and a half.
If you're constantly bringing her down (and yourself) intentionally or not over this it simply isn't fair. You will find a girl better suited to you in time. I'm hurting a lot now but I do believe that. So you have to make a decision. No-one will make it for you, you have to think long and hard. Can you see yourself marrying her and bringing up children knowing about her past? If so that's fine but if you have doubts and cant accept her now I don't believe it'll just disappear. It will always linger in the back of your mind so you're probably better off ending it sooner rather than later and getting on with your life. In time you will both be happier. I'm sure she is a lovely girl, if you really love her you wont want to keep putting her through this :)
Hope this helped, all the best,
Dave 24.
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male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (11 September 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen my girlfriend and I had our first date, we went out to dinner. At the resturant, we had dinner, desert and coffee. Desert and coffee lasted for a long time. We sat there and talked the whole night away. Our first date lasted 6 hours. I asked her out the next day for friday (our first date was on wensday). We went and played pool. she wore this amazing low cut top that showed just the right amount of cleavage to be a huge tease when lended down to take a shoot. Now I know she dindt do this by accident it was well planned out and she admits it fully.
After we played pool I took up her up to washinton rock. Its a park on the washinton mts. We were looking up at stars but it was a little cloudy. There was a large open patch of clouds behind us, if you looked up you could see this opening of stars. I pointed it out to her and she went to good look at them, she leaned nearly backward to see them and almost fell so I put my arms around and held her to me. after a moments of looking she gazed forward her eyes met mine and a second later I kissed her. I knew then I was in love with her. This beautiful picture helps me deal with her past. When I think about her past I think to think about that night and it helps.
To those are alike you fell in love with her after a few days... we actually went to college together but she was seeing someone then. We hung out a lot as friends before our first date.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (10 September 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to her about regeit and how you can hate the part of you did something so bad but still love yourself. It took over 2 hours of talking and crying and knowing that if we didnt find a solution it was over. I learned she really put up a wall between all that and herself. She couldn't even remember how many partners let alone how many times. after some effort she was able to come up with a list of partners.I guess part of does want her to feel awful, to hurt like I do. I told her she need to be understand of how I feel and try to get why her past bothers me and never think that it just her past and it doesn't concern me. Because I feel like it does. She also has agreed to accept and that what she did was slutty but doesn't make her slut its not who she was just what I think about the acts. She an awful lier. All her pausing and her nearly say i cant do it it over like 1000 times, and me doing nearly the same thing shows she means it. I am not forcing her to regeit but i have her reasons on why.A few nights ago, we started to fight about the past again. She broke down and started saying she quites. She done and giving up on life and gona stop taking her med and seeing doctors and just let her sickness get the best of her. (she has fyrbromyaliga). I know that a large part of that break down was because she released what I was saying was true and that it hurt her. I couldnt take another night like that. I told her that I dont want it to drive her crazy and it so bad to bottle up your past and just pretend it was there and shut it out. Its much more healthly to face it and deal with and let it be part of you then to keep it bottled away.I am gona stay with her. As much as her past kills me, she is making an honest effort to help me out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): You have said this: "She admit for the first time to me that she isnt proud of what she did."
Here is one definition of regret: "To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about."
My wife just said that she feels sorry for what she did and is disappointed in herself for what she did in the past, but she is not distressed about it. She said that she was distressed about her promiscuity both when she was doing those things and after for several years.
If you haven't done so, read this article and the answers.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
What do you expect her to say? Do you expect her to say that she was a slut and ask forgiveness? Do you want her to say that she is ashamed of what she did? Do you want her to say that she wishes she could take her behavior back and not to have done those things? Well, maybe she feels all of those things, but don't expect her to admit it. Maybe someday, but not yet. It is too early and she probably doesn't know how she feels about all of it herself. It took my wife years before she would talk about it. It was obvious to me that it bothered her, but I really didn't know exactly what bothered her; talking about it or feeling bad about it. She didn't either.
Look at metalsman's answer in that article. It was 25 years before everything started to resolve and for them to talk about it. There are men and women who want to brag about what they have done and there are those who refuse to talk about it. My opinion is that those who refuse to talk about it are really not proud of it and just want to forget their past. People who are ashamed of what they have done don't want to talk about it, at least not until they begin to feel better about themselves. A lot of us have gone through these feelings and have had partners who have refused to talk about their feelings and then will discuss it as much as necessary once they are again proud of themselves. As my wife said last year - she can now talk about it because she is proud of the wife she has been for 23 years and that makes the past that she is not proud of insignificant now. That was not always the case.
As I have said before, be prepared to find another good women who has done something that seems slutty or disgusting to you. There are lots of things that might be in this category for you - 1 night stands, screwing on the first date, jumping into bed with guys who she just met 2 hours earlier, having a relationship with another women once, having a 3some, etc, etc. Plan on seeing at least one of those things with the next women. All 4 women who I dated after my first wife left me wanted to sleep with me on the first date and they were all nice women. One was all over me and the others were sad but then happy that I didn't try to get them in bed the first night. I certainly wasn't the first guy who they did that with or wanted to do that with. When they are lonely or have had bad relationships they sometimes do that to find the affection and love that they crave. They mostly just get screwed and then stop that behavior once they realize that is all it gets them. Yes, most of them probably like the sex they are getting, as it brings them close to someone for a night. We all do things wrong when we are confused or in need of something.
It's up to you whether you leave her. A lot of guys do that and I strongly considered it the first 2 years that I dated my wife. I came close a couple of times, as she refused to talk about it and said things that made it sound like she was fine with 1 night stands and sleeping with guys who she had just met that night. She wasn't, but she could not admit it.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (9 September 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe says the same thing as your wife. That she doesnt want to feel bad about it. There there is nothing she can do about it now.
I konw its wrong but a huge part of me wants her to feel as awful about her past as I do. I dont want her to be sad i just want her to understand how it makes me feel and what I am going though. She doesnt even understand why it bothers me. She refuses to listen to why it would. Its like she doesnt care about it so i shouldnt it. It doesnt work that way. The past is not 'just the past'. and I can just 'leave it be'. I have a limit to what I can accpet and if she wan me to accpet her and be with her, this is the one thing I am asking her to do for me. If she cant meet my very resonable request then i know i cant be with her and spend my life with her. Thank you so much for all your help TTM. I will give and update as to what happens tonight.
Thank you everyone else too. I know you all help and gave good advice. TTM you helped me so much and make me strong enough to get though these few months. Thank you, I wish there was some way I could truly repay you and your kindness and a
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Well, you are wrong with one part of your thinking. You can't make her regret what she did. If she really doesn't regret it then there is nothing that you can do about that. If she does regret it, but just can't admit it to herself then it could take many months of gentle discussion for her to realize that. However, you can't push her into it.
I don't think that a person will regret what they have done in the past until they start to actually feel good about themselves. When they start to feel good about themselves then they will begin to regret things that they have done, both sexually and otherwise. Feeling good about yourself makes it easier to admit mistakes. Before a person can admit mistakes to someone else, they have to admit them to themselves.
My wife and I both took years to feel good about ourselves and to admit our mistakes. We will never feel good about some of the things that we have done, but we can accept them and admit to them.
The other possibility is that she really doesn't regret any of the 3somes or the gangbang. It's possible that she feels fine with those things and always will. I can't tell and it is even unlikely that you can tell. If that is the case then she might always feel that what she did was good, or necessary, or whatever. There is nothing that you can do about that. Your decision might be either to live with it or leave.
Trying to pressure her into regret is not productive at all. She either has to get there or not by herself. Telling her that you must be able to talk to her about it is fine, but trying to tell her what to think is not helpful or possible. My wife told me something like this over a year ago, "I don't care if you think I was a slut. I think I was too at times. Don't feel bad about feeling that way, but there is nothing I can do about it now." I would think that is about as far as you can hope to get, although my wife does sort of regret sleeping with about half of the guys. I say sort of regret, as regret is a pretty strong work. She more like wishes that she hadn't. She doesn't dwell on her mistakes. Your girlfriend shouldn't dwell on what she did either. Making her feel bad about herself will not help her get over any problems she has with her past life. It will just be punishment for her. I know that would make you feel better, but it will not help the relationship. Punishing someone for your hurt feelings is tempting, but you have to refrain from that thinking.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (9 September 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hope i get some advice before it happens today. Sep 9. 5pm est
I have talked to my gf about her past. I told her that I need to understand why i feel the way I do about her past, that I need her to understand that I think what she did was slutty, and I need her to regret what she has done. I can do this circle any more of ups and downs its unhealthly. Everyone has their limits of what they can and can not handle. I am going to meeting with her today to talk about it. If she cant see it my way, I need to end it. I konw this am really ready for it.
Am I wrong in my thinking? Please help.
Thanks.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (3 September 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTTM,
EXACTLY
Honestly, HONESTLY... If i knew when I met her that she did threesomes and had done a gangbang with strangers, I would have NOT dated her. I would have looked at her said wow she hot and smart but I am looking for a nice girl, not a slut. I know that i cant deal with a girl who has done those types of things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): I was rereading these answers here and remembered this one:
"It is not uncommon for men to feel the way you do about a girlfrieind's promiscous sexual past. What baffles me is that men don't choose girlfriend's better, it seems if you enjoy the sex and you think she is attractive you go ahead and pursue a relationship with a woman who doesn't share your values or is basically promiscuous."
The reason is that there is no sigh on her that says, "I screwed 20 different guys who I just met when I was depressed 5 years ago." She doesn't act promiscuous or cheap and easy. She found guys when she wasn't out with friends, so she never got a bad reputation. So she tells the guy a few weeks or a few months later. He might have expected her to have had a few past sexual partners, but he never expected that she had 3somes or slept with guys who she had just met 2 hours ago.
All of this confuses him, as she doesn't seem like that type of person. She seems like a very nice woman who he could get to like a lot; perhaps even fall in love with. He stays with her and by the time he realizes that he can't accept her past behavior, he is falling in love with her.
If she had a sign on her that said "promiscuous" then he would know that she was just good for the night. Perhaps she acted that way at one time, but no longer does. That is why we guys have trouble choosing women who share our values as far as sex is concerned. That is why women make bad decisions choosing a man. I could ask the question, "Why do women fall in love with a man who has cheated on his past partner?" The answer is the same; there is no sign on him that says "I'm a cheater."
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): Gina made a very good point and I have also said it before in answers - no one is perfect. No one will be our ideal mate. they will have flaws, as will we to them. We can either dump them for these flaws or learn to live with them or make adjustments together. Some of these flaws will show up after time as both individuals change and some will be there from the beginning of the relationship.We don't have to like those flaws. We don't have to approve of some behavior. We only have to learn to live with it. Gina doesn't like or approve of what her husband did. I don't like or approve of how my wife acted. I don't like or approve of things that I have done either. However, we have learned to live with it to a great extent. We will never like or approve of it, but will probably continue to accept it. However, from time to time, it will bother us, but to a lesser and lesser extent when it does.Some people believe that a man or woman who has had a significant number of sexual partners will be less likely to cheat, as their curiosity will have been fulfilled. I think there is a lot of truth in that. My wife has never had a wish to be with someone else, like an affair for the moment. However, I have had those thoughts when I was depressed. I missed out on that and wished I could do it. I never made the slightest attempt to do anything, as I have no wish to trade my wife in on anyone else or to lose her, but the wish that I could do it was there. Perhaps it was because I never had that chance and she did or because our experiences with other partners was different, but it did correspond with the number of sexual partners each of us has had.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (2 September 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTTM and Gina you both bring up very good vaild points. I am starting to see that its not something that one day I will wake up poof, i wont care anymore.
It just seems like a lot I have to deal with to be with someone. At some points I really do think 'why not just end it. She will be better off without me bring up her past. She deserves to have someone that will accept her." Is that me being foolish, or me onto something?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Gina is right. At times love does hurt, but it is still worth it. Love that hurts at times is a lot better than no love at all. Relationships take a lot of hard work. They are rarely easy. If both partners put in the hard work and help each other then there are great rewards. If one or both partners don't want to put in the effort then it is a road to failure and unhappiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): "Its like this rollercoaster. I have great ups and times when I feel okay about the past and it feels like I can deal with it. Other times it seems like i cant even bare the though of her."
I went through that for almost a year. I went through it the first year that we dated 30 years ago and I went through it again starting 2 years ago and the ups and downs lasted for nearly a year again. I don't know what brought it all back after 28 years, but I had depression during that time because of hormone problems (low testosterone). Depression is one of the worse symptoms of low T in men. The really bad feelings seemed to end shortly after I started to solve the hormone problem.
The feelings never completely go away. You reach a point where you rarely think about them, but then they pop up again for a short time every few weeks or months. They might last over night when you are having trouble sleeping and then be gone again for a few weeks or months. Look at this discussion between Yos and I and others.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Yos and I handled it somewhat differently. Look at his suggestions of how he keeps it out of his mind.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (1 September 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey TTM,
You always know just what to say and how to say it. The way you explain things always helps. It makes me a bit better. I know I'm not as good as replying to your advice as you are at giving it, but thank you. Thank you so much.
I wish I could be as strong as you or gina. I just don't know if I ever will be.
Its like this rollercoaster. I have great ups and times when I feel okay about the past and it feels like I can deal with it. Other times it seems like i cant even bare the though of her.
It feels like I am fighting a battle with myself to try and convince myself that I am okay with her past. Its like I know that I wont be but i'm trying so hard to force myself to not let it bother me.
I love her her.....
Is this an unhealthly path for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): Actually, it is difficult to tell if she regrets it or not. Just because she says that she doesn't regret it doesn't mean that she perhaps does, but can't admit that she did anything wrong. My wife and I have both been through those feelings in the past and it took us years to admit the wrong in what we were doing. Some things were mild and others worse, but they were things that we did wrong and couldn't admit to ourselves for years.
People do things that they know are wrong for them, but tell themselves that it is what they need at the time and continue doing it. They talk themselves into believing that what they are doing is necessary and right. Sometimes they look at themselves and know that it is wrong and then do it again later. This can be true for promiscuous people, ones who cheat, ones who abuse a spouse, ones who shoplift or anything like that. It seems right while you are doing it and then a few days later the person wonders why they did it. Then they do the same thing again for the same reasons that made them do it in the first place.
Take the example of a woman who has left an abusive or cheating relationship where she was always put down. She is demoralized and feels unworthy. She has never been promiscuous, but now she needs confirmation that she is attractive and wanted. She might want to get back at her former partner. She goes out and gets picked up. She has a 1 night stand and then feels bad about it a few days later, but she does it again and again, sleeping with guys who she just met. She knows that it is not her, but continues doing it because it makes her feel attractive and wanted for a time. She knows it is wrong, but she tells herself that it is what she needs to do and is perfectly fine behavior. She might feel so bad about it that she stops after a year or two, but it might take years before she can admit that it was bad behavior and feel good about herself again and be proud of herself again. She will tell herself and others that there was nothing wrong because others did that or some other reason.
Perhaps your girlfriend is going through something like this. She might have done those things because she felt that she had to to be loved by that guy. She might have low self esteem and feel that she needs to go along with whatever the guy wants her to do. I'm guessing that she still has low self esteem. I'm just looking at how my wife felt and acted when I started dating her. She had stopped her promiscuous behavior for the most part, but still didn't feel as good and attractive as she was. She still felt old and in need of affection and someone to love and accept her. I gave her tons of affection from the start, but it took me a long time to mostly accept her promiscuous behavior, or at least live with it. I guess we never totally accept what we were taught was wrong. We just attempt to accept it the best we can. Yes, her behavior was not 3somes or gangbangs, but it was behavior that I was always taught was something to avoid and to not be with a woman like that.
Gina went through worse than what I have gone through and in my opinion, worse what you are going through. My wife and your girlfriend did these things before we started dating them, while Gina was cheated on in her marriage. I have read a lot of what she went through and she is a very strong and forgiving person, but it took her longer than 3 months to get there. It took me about 2 years to decide that I wanted to stay with my girlfriend and not look for anyone else to be with. She understands what you are feeling, as do I to some extent. We have managed these feelings the best that we can and have learned to live with them. You will never completely get over this, but you can learn to live with it. Everyone has done things that will bother us to some extent. We just have to decide what we can live with and try to accept.
I know how it hurts to think of those things that she did. You just can't get them out of your mind at times. You sit or lie there sad that you are falling in love with a person who has done these promiscuous things. You can't understand how this wonderful person could have been so cheap. She just doesn't seem like that type of person. Well, perhaps that is because she isn't that type of person. She never was that type of person. She just did those things because she felt she had to for some reason. Perhaps she cried half the night after she had the gangbang. I don't know how she felt. I can only guess from my discussions with my wife and reading some other questions here. There have been a few questions over the 2 years that I have been here where some woman asks about her boyfriend not accepting her past. Some of these women talk about how they are not proud of how they acted and would take it back if at all possible. I know that my wife would have liked to take back about half of the guys who she slept with, but the past is the past and cannot be changed. We either have to learn to live with both our past and our partner's past or leave and start over again. The thing is what will the next woman who you start to fall in love with have done? Probably not 3somes or gangbangs, but perhaps she will have had 40 or 50 sexual partners in 5 or 6 years. One night stands and sleeping with guys who she had just met at a bar. Will you be able to accept that? Will you be able to accept it if she had slept with 10 guys who she had just met at a bar in a few years? What can you live with? How about 2 or 3 failed marriages and divorces and a few sexual partners between each.
I dated another very nice woman who had been married and divorced twice. She had dated various guys, as she started to tell me about some of them, one of two almost every date. She told me stories that sounded funny, like the time she was in bed with a guy and remembered that a guy friend from out of town was going to show up at her place at like midnight. She got the first guy out just in time. She thought it was funny. I don't know if she had sex with both that night, but I would guess that she did. She made these stories sound funny. Was she proud of them or just trying to tell me what she had done and not sound like a slut? I really don't know, as we broke up because I was not ready for a serious relationship at the time and she was. How would you feel about a woman who slept with 2 guys in one night like that? I liked her a lot, but was not in love with her, so it didn't bother me at all. We have to decide what we can try to accept and live with.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (28 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGina, But she doesn't regret it. That is part of the problem.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (28 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questioniydm,
It still bothers me that she would do such a thing. I find it so awful and disgusting. I'm not sure I can ever look at her the same way again.
Dont worry about the size of your post, you had a lot to say.
She could have said no. She could have stopped the gangbang at anytime. She choose not too. Also for the threesomes, she liked those.
She says she doesn't regret anything. It bothers me so much that she could do something so filthy and disgusting and not regret it.
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reader, Ifyoudontmind +, writes (27 August 2009):
You have given me great advice, so in exchange.Its called desperation my friend. Nothing more, nothing less. When in committed relationship and if you are trying to keep your significant other happy, you will do anything you can, even at the expense of something that goes against your governings. E.g. a gangbang. If this is somthing her ex persuaded or told her to do, she will follow suit. Dont punish her for thatAlso,It shoes that she has a lack of confidence, she isnt proud of what she did in the past, but she was getting attention from numerous guys and I am sure that there was some kind of satisfaction in that. It doesnt make her a bad person , again dont punish her for that.just simply explain, you love her, and cant understand why anyone would ever treat someone like that, how someone could manipulate and exploit your body. Tell her she is better than that, remind her. ON A FINAL NOTEabout kissing, kissing is the only form of human interaction that is not genetically encoded, the way you sleep, like to be held, and have sex, its all ready installed. Like this computer with Vista. Kissing is all learned, and what feels right, its a means of intimacy, sex is primitive, it shouldnt just be lust. But sadly thats the case.Majority rules have found sex to not be meaningful but its as passtime frankly, I am in no way implying this towards your significant. But you know as well I do about sport f-in. Her not kissing guys just means she couldnt be intimate with these guys that were only there to barrel in , unload, and move on. Which is so ... twisted I cant even fathom. But nevertheless, you have to understand how horrid you would have to feel about yourself to know that numerous guys would exploit your body and a frequent basis... dont repremand her for that. Love her, console her, she will eternally love someone who shows her real attention.sorry its so long.-iydm
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reader, dgtonight  +, writes (23 August 2009):
jesus man..i know its hard but for a minute think just about her..forget about her past just for a minute and think about her and the things that made that you felt attracted when you meet her..nowadays people think that relations has to be perfect ...but the truth is that people can't be what we expect or want..it seems to me like you really care about this girl...but at the same time you have a very bad picture of her...you have to sit and think what you want..if you really enjoy all the time with her..you will stay by her side and with the time you will become a more tolerant person and realize that you can't change the time you enjoy with her for the past
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (21 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ jj2night
Your very wrong. I am very dominate. This is the first time that I havent been as dominating. I have pretty bad sexual past too. Not as bad as hers but I was involved in a form of bdsm that involves 'slave girls'.
She is less into sex then I am. She is okay with having sex upto 3 time in one night but rarely ever more.
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reader, jj2night +, writes (21 August 2009):
Preface: IMO… You have a real problem and you have a lot to learn about yourself, which includes how sex works. First You honestly like this girl and she likes sex. Its pretty obvious sex is not your hobby for some reason. From my experience, pack your bags now and save the drama. Personally I can do everything else in my life with family and a friend. My number 1 need in a sexual relationship is sex. If this relationship does not meet my needs, I will get them met elsewhere. Second, you need to learn about sex. There is an animalistic craving that escapes lips when you grab her and pin her to the wall. Or when you grab her by the hair, pull tight and kiss her. Women want men to be men. This means acting like men which in a women’s eyes is acting like an animal. (think cats). If you are holding us like a china doll we feel special not desired. There is a difference. Desire means you crave her. This gives people the feeling of security and importance. Sure women like to feel special but that will not usually sustain a relationship. yes sex is a hobby; research, dream, talk to others, take classes, and practice whenever possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Well, if you plan on sticking this relationship out, then why don't you try to get some counseling, first go alone and talk about your problems with being able to kiss her, trust her, get past this, etc....and then perhaps your therapist might want to bring he into the therapy as well, it might be a lot easier to do it with some help.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (21 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGina,
Thank you for you words of encouragement. I can not see my life without her. I really hope you are right and that I have the power to leave her past in the past. She has been great in helping me.
The thing that got me was the gangbang with strangers. She doesnt even like talking to strangers. She explained to me how that wasnt her idea and that she only did that because he really pushed her to and she though at the time if she did something for him, he would love her.
Poor girl. She was tortured by him....
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (20 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am away on a bussiness trip. When I lay in hotel bed and close my eyes, all i can see is the things she has done. I feel like I havent really slept at all in two days.
This is just so awful. I dont know anymore and it kills me. I want to be with her.
Its like I am F'd if I do and F'd if I dont.
I will be so unhappy if I break up with her.... and I will so unhappy staying with her......
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Every man and woman has the right to behave as they wish, as long as it does not result in hurt for another person. However, every partner of that man or woman has an equal right to disapprove of that behavior and leave them if they cannot reconcile that behavior in their own mind. Neither the one who does things like that nor the one who disapproves is any more or less for it. Neither is shallow or needs to be condemned or ridiculed. Things like this example are not like cheating in a marriage or beating their spouse or child abuse. They are behaviors and reactions that, while we might not agree with the one who commits or responds, are their right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Q, it does suck that there is a double standard around sex for men and women. But, don't make the guy feel guilty that he can't accept her past....I think she was pretty out there, gang bangs, threesomes and dating a man who raped her and almost marrying him? She clearly has some issues, and yes she could change and become someone's wife and mother, she isn't condemned for the rest of her life for her past.
That said, this man, does not have to accept her past, nor does he have to choose her to spend the rest of his life with, she doesn't share his values, she probably isn't as mentally/emotionally as healthy as he is in other areas, and he doesn't feel the way a man should feel about his woman when he is with her.
He can do them both a favor and break off the relationship.
I would not date a man that had a habit of raping, doing threesomes and gangbangs, no way would I want a mysogionist like that. She is an inverse narcissist in my opinion, she even states that she liked the attention of a threesome.....I wouldn't want to be with her if I was him either, sorry, Q, and I am a woman who doesn't think all women are lying or that we all think we should remain virgins....but there is a line that a healthy woman will never cross, I mean, never.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): She will likely know why you are breaking up with her without you telling her and will probably ask for confirmation. I know that I considered breaking up with my wife when we were first dating and she just said that she would have probably guessed providing that we had not had a fight or if I was not dating someone else. She says that she would have known if everything was going well between us. Unfortunately, I asked her out of the blue without telling her that I was trying to answer a questions and she had this panicked look. Oh well, I'll know better the next time I ask a question like that.
I'm guessing that breaking up will be difficult on both of you. If you do it then take R and B's suggestion on how to do it. Make sure that you do it in person. Please don't be afraid and do it by text or something like that. Tell her that you just don't feel ready for a serious relationship and need to be alone and think about what you want out of life. That wouldn't be a lie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): You can't break up with someone without hurting their feelings. Be prepared for tears, so do it in person out of respect for her feelings and tell her that you just can't be with her anymore.
We all want to feel special, and I don't think you are jealous of her past lovers, I truly think that you feel the primacy and exclusivity of your relationship is at risk because of her past behavior, you have a hard time trusting that she won't be unfaithful in the future or go off the deep end somehow....
I think you are making the right choice because her past behavior is pretty atypical of any healthy adult and I think she has some pretty deep issues to have done what she did including marrying a man who raped her....or almost marrying him.....frankly that scares me, for her.
You don't have to blame her for her sexual past for breaking up with her, tell her you have compassion for her and that you hope she finds her own path to happiness, but that you don't think she is the one, you don't have those feelings for her and you think that both she and you deserve to find the person who is best suited for each of you....
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (16 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question*sigh*
So I have a follow up question.
How do I break up with her without hurtting her feeling? I don't want her to think she is a bad person or anything. I just cant handle it anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): "She says that he wasn't very attention giving. That she liked being the center of attention in the threesomes."
So I am assuming that she got very little affection from him either. That is part of the reason that my wife would have sex with guys. She wanted the affection that she seldom got. It seems like your gf was also looking for that affection. I can see how she would think that 3somes would give her that. I don't know about the gangbang though. Perhaps it was just out of frustration.
I know that I said that I don't think that I could have accepted my wife if she had had 3somes, but then I would have never thought that I could marry anyone as easy as she had been. Not until I fell in love with her. I guess people change their minds when they find someone special.
"But that what all girls always tell the guys they fall for."
That is probably true, but how many guys did she fall for? Certainly not the gangbang guys. Not likely the 3some guys. So how many guys has she fallen for? Probably 3 max. First hubby, ex and you. Maybe not even the ex who she did all these things with. My wife didn't fall for the guys who she was having sex with. Perhaps 2 of them. One had problems (phobias) and she finally ended it after more than a year. Another was a friend who she liked, but he was not in it for a relationship. She was. She thinks he was the only one of the 10 who she could have possibly married. She had been dating a guy for about 8 months when we started dating. She broke up with him the night after our first date. He was just someone to be with and she was tired of going to bars and finding guys, but he was not partner material at all. He was sort of a fill-in, just in case she found someone. She was ready to give up on finding someone who she could fall in love with. Of the 3 other women who I dated, one was in it for the companionship and to have someone to talk to and sleep with. The other 2 were in it for a relationship. I dated all 3 to see what they were like and was open to a relationship if I felt that level of compatibility with them and if there was more there than just good times and good sex. my wife was the only one who I felt that with though, although one was close.
Everyone can change. I made big changes in my behavior in my life and so did my wife. We all make mistakes and can change if we want to. I guess a way to look at it is that she never cheated on anyone and she never did anything to hurt anyone, except possibly herself. She did some stupid things, possibly her way of trying to find something that was missing from her life - love, affection or whatever. Perhaps part of it is that she likes sex. That was part of the reason that my wife would sleep with a guy. She was mainly after affection, but she liked the sex and still does. That has been my advantage for the past 30 years. Most likely you are giving her all that she needs now, maybe for the first time in her life. My wife has told me that no one, including her first husband, cared for her enjoyment of sex and was as affectionate as I have always been with her. A couple came close. Perhaps that is how your girlfriend feels now.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (15 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question@troubledtoomuch
To you first. Thank you so much for replying to my message and giving your input. I see you give out some of the best advice and really think highly of what you have to say.
I guess it is different, every guy I ask says the same thing, they would have left her in that flat second.
But I think I am in love with this girl. I can stop crying, and cry infront of her more times now. When I am with her, I can not put it out of my head on what she did.
@pepper27
Mandy, I talked to her about her ex a lot. I dont think he bullied her or that she was sacred of him. She learned from her first boyfriend (who she married for a few months) that, that was something she would not put up with.
She explained to me how they found the guys for the threesomes. THe used an internet pay site and would look and if one of them found a guy they like they would tell the other. So she picked as much as she he did. For the gangbang, he picked all of the guys.
As for feeling loved, im not sure. I know she was ready to marry him at one point. Its kind of interesting, the time frame in which she wanted to marry him conflicts directly with the time frame when she tells me she had already made up her mind about leaving him.
She says that he wasn't very attention giving. That she liked being the center of attention in the threesomes. She says that her mom would always tell her "A***** is in it for A*****". That when it was about what he wanted to do, rather then what she wanted.
But she could have said no to the threesomes, she could have said no to the gangbang. But she didnt, today she also told me that when she did those things she wasnt thinking about what if ever an not with him anymore. She admit for the first time to me that she isnt proud of what she did. I said I though what she did was discusting and slutty. And I make sure to clarify that i didnt think she was discussting and slutty, just the act she did.
She also says that she doesnt need or want to do that anymore because i care about her so much. That when I am with her that I make her feel like the most important thing in the world. She says that she knows I think about her all the time and that I am the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to her.
But that what all girls always tell the guys they fall for.
Also I dont think I have a lot of room to judge her. I done very simlar things just with 2 girls. Granted I never did a gangbang.... but still.
Iuuno. It bothers me, a whole lot. Even if I could or did understand why she did it, I think it would still bother me. I know a lot of guys I have talk to would say they wouldnt be with a girl that did what she did.
I love her and want to be with her, but I dont know anymore. I just don't know what it will take or if i can ever stop thinking about what she's done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): Pepper27 said something that I forgot to say. My wife slept with guys because she wanted love and affection. Many women believe that they need to give sex to get the affection. As pepper said, they normally just get the sex and not the affection. This was not always the case for my wife, but it was in most cases. Fortunately, she did like the sex most of the time, so it was not a complete loss for her.
Perhaps your girlfriend went along with these things because she felt that she needed to in order to have a good relationship with her ex. Talking to her about it might make her open up to what it was like. The danger is that she will start to feel bad when she relives some of the things. My wife was never quite sure why she slept with some of the guys. Us talking and me thinking of things made both her and me understand what she was going through at the time. She never really understood why she did it and our discussions helped her along with helping me to understand. To both of us it seemed like she was just a slut, but our discussions made both of us realize that it was her depression over a cheating husband and failed marriage to her first sexual partner and her lack of confidence that made her want to sleep with various guys, even when she had a steady boyfriend at the time. He didn't make her feel confident and she needed that. Once we started dating, she didn't want anyone else and has been faithful for over 30 years.
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reader, pepper27  +, writes (14 August 2009):
 Hi Hunny
Has your g/f told you other things about her ex? Did he bully her in anyway? Was she scared of him? Or was this just all ok with her..I was bullied by my second husband quite badly and he used to ask all the time for threesomes and he also told me he would like me to sleep with other men infront of him..I did none of these things, But can understand how this could happen under pressure and from fear..I ask this from the gangbang point, This to me doesnt seem normal behaviour. But that may just be my point of veiw other people have the right to do as they please and I dont judge..Women who sleep around are really needing alot of love and sometimes you think you will get it from sex but you dont all you get is sex..You really just need hugs and cuddles, Did your g/f feel loved? Im asking alot of questions as I feel its important to understand her as you obviously like her so there is something very special about her to you.. It would be a shame to let things get in the way of the relationship without really getting to the bottom of why she felt the need to do these things hun. She has now met a decent kind and considerate man maybe she hasnt before. TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): My wife left her ex hubby when she was 30 and we started dating 3 years later. She slept with at least 10 guys in those 3 years. About half of them were guys she had just met 2 hours earlier and the rest were on the first date. At least half of these were in the first year. About 2 were 1 night stands. All were one-on-one sex. The part that bothered me was how easy it seemed to be to get her into bed soon after meeting her. I was the only guy who made no attempt to have sex with her on the first date and I took it very slow on the second date to give her the chance to tell me to stop.
After many years, we finally discussed it at length a little over a year ago. Those discussions made me understand what she was going through, how she felt and what she needed when she was doing that. Our discussions helped a lot and I actually started to feel sorry for her, as she did not really enjoy a lot of her experiences. Yes, she enjoyed the sex most of the time while it was happening, but then she felt cheap a few days later, so it was actually somewhat harmful to her mental recovery from a bad marriage. The fact that she felt cheap or guilty is why she started to hint at what she had done on our second date. She had never had a need to tell anyone before me.
The thing is that she never did anything like 3somes or gang bangs or public sex. I really don't know how I would think of something like that, but I suspect that I would have left her, as I doubt I could accept something like that. As it was, she did what she did because she was troubled at the time. She had lost all confidence in herself and if a guy wanted to jump into bed with her, it made her feel attractive for the moment. It also satisfied her loneliness for that night.
I believe that both men and women act promiscuously because they lack self-confidence and are troubled in some way. I agree with rhythmandblues2 on that part. People who are confident in themselves do not act promiscuously, and certainly not at the level as your girlfriend. So the answer is, has she solved whatever problem she had that caused to do those things? If not, then I would be very careful in your relationship. My wife had stopped being promiscuous for the most part, although she did have sex with a guy because she was drunk just 6 months or so before we started dating. Actually, they tried, but he was too drunk to succeed. Other than that, she was behaving more normal for the previous year or more. She did want to sleep with me on our first date, but was happy that I didn't try.
Getting over something like this is not easy and you will likely never totally accept it. The thing you have decide is whether you can live with it at all. The fact that it sometimes sickens you so much that you can't even kiss her is not a good sign. I don't think that I ever felt that bad about my wife or girlfriend early on in our relationship. There might have been times when we had an argument that I didn't want to hold her (or her me), but it had nothing to do with her past sexual behavior. Even us talking about her sucking on some guys dick didn't make me not want to kiss her. If I had felt that bad then I'm not sure that we could have ever solved this problem.
The part about you getting sad and depressed when you think about it is pretty normal in a situation like this. I remember when I was going through the worst of my feelings that I would start to cry while in bed holding my wife. I was going through some depression during that time and that is likely why all of the bad feelings resurfaced. She would hold me and start to cry too, partly because she knew that I was feeling bad about her, partly because she regretted her past behavior and partly because she didn't want to see me sad. We would just lie there and hold each other and kiss. Sometimes it would progress to sex, but not often. I don't think that I ever thought felt so disgusted by her behavior that I didn't want to hold her or kiss her or anything else. I think that feeling that way makes it more likely that you will not get over it. I just don't know though.
It did take us almost a year to solve these feelings. It started about the time when I was having some depression and ended when I was getting over the depression. Other than that, I managed to keep it to the back of my mind for about 26 years. The first 2 years together it would bother me when I was not with her, but not when I was with her. Being with her was just too good to allow it to bother me. She wouldn't talk about it back then. I was also dating other women during those first 2 years together. There were 3 plus a 1 night stand. My wife (girlfriend at time) wanted me to do that and I also felt it was necessary. She thinks it was one of the best decisions she ever made in our relationship. One of the women had just split with her hubby and I asked her out. I had no intention on trying to get her into bed on the first date, but she was all over me and had no thought of allowing me to go home that night. She was lonely and it was obvious that she felt unattractive and old from the things that she had said. She was attractive and we were both 36 years old. This helped me to understand how my wife must have felt just after leaving her ex hubby. That woman was not a slut at all. The thing is that we knew each other from work, so it was a bit different than sleeping with a guy who she had just met. I know that this doesn't relate exactly to your situation, but it is the best that I can say to help me relate to how you are feeling about 3somes and gang bangs.
Feelings like this cannot be overcome in just a few months. From my experience and from what I have read about other men, it takes more time than that. You have to decide if your feelings are improving a little with time. Mine were sort of at a standstill for 3 or 4 months. I would then start to feel better, but then regress again. I don't know how much of it was depression and how much of it was not related to that.
One thing that made me decide to stay with my girlfriend was that I could see that most women who have gone through a bad marriage seem to act in a similar manner as my girlfriend had acted. Since I was in my mid 30s, I realized that any nice woman who I would find would have a similar history. I dated a couple of very nice women besides her and they were much the same. However, my wife was the best of them and all that I wanted in a partner, so I decided to stay with her, as I thought that anyone else that I would find would not be any better. I have never regretted that decision. If she had been greatly more promiscuous than the others then I would have likely dumped her and pursued a relationship with another one who wanted me and was less promiscuous. However, they were all about the same in how they acted.
I'm sorry that I can't be of more direct help, but I can only relate to my experience and what I suspect I would have done if things were different than they were for me.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (13 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMale 25,
Thank you. That is the best answer I have gotten so far. It does help. I will keep going keep trying. The more I talk about it and explore my feelings, the more I am able to dull the feelings of disgust out.
I hate her past so much. What she did is just so disgusting. But I love her for the girl she is today. I really don't think she is hiding anything from me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): I feel for ya dude. I dated my ex for 2 years, she was open and told me about pretty much everything that she'd done and with whom a few months in. That included her first 2 sexual experiences being threesomes with 2 dudes. No she wasnt abused/raped as a child or anything like that, she was just carefree in her experimentation I guess. I even found a notebook with all of her sexual partners listed with the date, whom and what their rating was out of 10. 16 partners and that was when she was only 18.
It certainly makes you brood on things and can only really make you think less of her. If you cant get over these feelings that she's dirty or the niggling feeling that you can do better or cant see yourself being in a relationship with this woman in the next few months... leave. Sure we make bad choices, but if its affecting you, (ie. cant kiss her at times), then maybe you should end it. I tried to ignore that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that made me lose respect for my ex as a person and it only ended it heartache.
Though on the other hand, I felt incredibly special to know that I was different from all the other guys she'd been with and if you have a caring personality and enjoy being the light of this womans world, then thats another story. You just need to realistically work out if you can overcome this. I hope this helps.
Male 25
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (10 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question@rhythmandblues2
Yes, she got professional help. And she made him do the same, but didn't press charges against him. She actually ended up Eloping and marrying him. They were going to have a real wedding for the family but she broke it off 2 weeks before.
He was her first, so everything happened after him. But her one I refer to as her ex, he wasn't the first time she had tried a threesome.
She was with her Ex for 6 years. Then started to date me. I still can not get over what she did in the past. I don't know what going happen anymore. There are times when it seems like all we are doing is torturing each other.
I am no angel, I done some things in my past too. I would really be okay with if she had sex with all the guys she did one on one. Then it really wouldn't have even been a problem for me. BUT this just sickens me so much. There are times when I can't even kiss her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Having been raped the first time she had sex or any time she had sex could have had some psychological repercussions. Has she ever talked to a professional about the rape or had any therapy? It is very hard to deal with as a rape victim and can cause problems with opposite sex relationships.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (10 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question" If you are sickened by it all then ask yourself, why is it because it makes her seem cheap and therefore unattractive, are you confsed because her present self is so nice and her past self is so horrible."
I think that has a lot to do with it.
That its so gross that she would do that, that she would need to or want to do that. It makes me think of her in a negative light.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (10 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the question@LazyGuyThanks. I want to be with her, it just this one thing that hangs me up. Its the one that gets to me. Everything else about is really great. We spent more time together then most people that have dated for a year or so.@rhythmandblues2Thank you for your incite as a female. She wasn't abused a child. She just wasn't very close to her father who it seems like was a real jerk since her brother even took their stepfathers last name. She had a good male figure in her life. Everyone speaks really highly of her stepfather who passed away.She was raped by the guy who was her first. It was not her first time with him but I think how he controlled her pushed to some of the things she done.As for future behaviour, she says its not something she wants to do again. And the threesomes and other.. was with her boyfriend.I don't know how I feel any more. When I don't think about when its not in my mind, we are so good. Sex is great and everything is wonderful. There are other times when I do think about it and i am just so down and its just awful. I am at a loss of what to do next.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 August 2009):
 Either accept her as the person she is, and this includes her past because it made her who she is, or give up on her.
She is the person she is and so are you. If that isn't compatible then to bad, but it is better for you both to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): You gotta end it. This stuff doesn't make her worthless as a person. But it makes her a person that you're never gonna feel good being in a relationship with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I have a different take on this being female perhaps, but here goes.
It is not uncommon for men to feel the way you do about a girlfrieind's promiscous sexual past. What baffles me is that men don't choose girlfriend's better, it seems if you enjoy the sex and you think she is attractive you go ahead and pursue a relationship with a woman who doesn't share your values or is basically promiscuous.
What I see in her past behavior is a woman who probably has some pretty sever psychological issues to have done those things. You have only been with her three months so the patterns in her behavior have not become apparant to you. My guess is that she was either sexually abused in her childhood or severley neglected by her parents. I think she may even suffer from borderline personality disorder as this kind of sexual acting out is pretty common. If that is the case you are in for a rough ride...and you will be subject to some emotional rages as from her as this relationship progresses to more dependence on her part.
She will have a superficial attachment to you and she will have trouble dealing with letting you go or spending time apart and she will see you in either all bad or all good terms frequently. So pay attention if you see any of these signs as a personality disorder is not something someone gets over, it is a permanent part of their make up.
Personally, I would not date a man who had this sexual history. I have enough education in human psychology to know that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She will most likely be the type to be unfaithful to whomever she is dating or married to....she has a problem, that is the reality you are dealing with, no matter how "nice" she seems to be, something is seriously off with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Look, there is something you are missing, she hasnt hidden anything from you she is obviously a nice peron as you are with her three months.
If morally you cant deal with it, end it now.
If you are having problems understanding what she actually thinks of you in light of her previous relationships then ask her. If you are sickened by it all then ask yourself, why is it because it makes her seem cheap and therefore unattractive, are you confsed because her present self is so nice and her past self is so horrible. People change for better and worse, we have all made mistakes, we have all done things in the past that we cant change, but if everyone is to be judged on the basis of everything they have done in the past then we will all be single for a long time.
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (10 August 2009):
Pyroshadow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe wouldnt ever go for a threesome with another girl. She only wanted to do it with other guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): well,the way I see it, and I'm someone like you, but older, you can live with it, and not focus on it cause it will eat you up inside and destroy you,and learn as much as you can(experience) and just go for the ride, and when things start going south,you can have a threesome with her and another lady friend that she can bring, such as my old G/F did for me. Just roll with it Bro.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): That's a tough situation. From the way you describe it you'll never be able to get over this. If this is the case then you should end the relationship early because it'll likely end poorly later on when you have grown even more attached to each other.If I were you I probably would have ended it as soon as I found out about the group sex. I agree with you - having sex with a bunch of guys one at a time is different than having sex with a bunch of strangers simultaneously. She may be a different person now but that was such a dirty thing to do.
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