A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I;ve just stumbled across this site and hope somebody could help me find some clarity.I've been with my partner for just over a year and a half. He seemed like he doted on me in the start and was so absorbed by me that he didnt seem to ogle other women. A few months into our relationship he was found chatting on a dating application on facebook. I confronted him, he lied and after following my gut instincts for months and months, I finally caught him out. I let it go as I'd been unsure about the relationship for the first few months as was wary about getting into another relationship after some extremely bad experiences of being abused mentally, physically, emotionally and being cheated on in the past (by my ex)! This tore me appart to my very being and has taken a long time to get myself back on track!I thought I'd got it through to him how important trust is to me, but he has let me down too much over the last 3 months of my pregnancy. I have an appt with the doc tomorrow as I feel realy down from it all, which isnt ideal being pregnant and being in the final year of my degree.Firstly, he went out a week after discovering we were having a baby and explicitly promised to come home sober. It was especially important as I;ve had miscarriages in the past and was expecting an emergency at any moment. I woke up at 5am to find him sat on the sofa out of his face! I was livid! We had a massive run in the other week and he betrayed me by telling the mother of his first child, that he was moving back into his old house, before even telling me! I had shouted 'get out, pack your stuff' but hormones allowing, surely we all shout stuff and it was so hurtful to read that he had text his ex to tell her. So, we got through that, well kind of. I dont feel the same, but have to try as we';re having a baby.Finally, and this is the straw that broke the camels back. We were out shopping on Saturday and I noticed he was staring intently at 2 women. When he realised I knew, he headed straight for some offer on the shelf for cover. After confronting him for being disrepectful and hurtful, he point blank denied it. Again, I caught him out. I am pregnant for Gods sake! When out usually, I get tons of attention, much of it unwelcomed as I hate men grabbing me on the dancefloow or staring, but now I feel like I am redundant good looking woman and am just sat on the shelf for frumpy rejects! I couldnt even talk to him yesterday as I feel like I cant keep problem solving. I feel that I cant trust him and he also djs from time to time, so with all this lack of trust and his ogling, I wonder what the hell he is doing whilst out. He doesnt have a repuation for cheating and I kind of believe that, but without trust, it will just stress me out and fill me with doubt now! Feeling disrespected and lost. Any help very welcomed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh and to the anon female, yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head! Thanks for your input and I hope that your situation continues to improve. xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for all your input.
Lazy Guy, I believe you are wrong that I am desperate for any type of companionship. I broke up with the father of my child some 9 years ago and have managed to keep all but 2 (this one incl.) relationships away from my child, which entailed strict dating schedules and reflects my usual tentative approach to settling for any type of companionship, as I take my childs safety very seriously after what we have endured with her father. A person who is desperate, goes from one man to the next and certainly would not have spent so long as a self sufficient, financially independent, single mother. I value the fact that you and everybody has a right to their opinions, but in truth, I find your black and white attitude slightly presumtuous. I dont believe that you can condemn me to being desperate because I have fallen in love with a man who does in fact have qualities which I am in love with. Granted, you are very right in some of your observations and if I were have read this as a 3rd party, I would probably perceive that the woman/ myself deserves better. That, is fact and I am more than aware of this, hence my post. I suppose the crutch is, how far do I go with this? Is there anything left to save and can the trust be built?
What I find confusing is, arent we meant to work on relationships? Thats what I find difficult. I'm aware that people give up too easily and so unless my life depends on it, I thought that we were meant to try for our childrens sake? I suspect that I have tended to stay in relationships for too long, to my detriment and suppose thats why I want to get prof help, so that I dont end up totally losing myself again and get out in time. I've not felt myself for a few weeks, but having had this feeling in the past, have recognised it and sought help, as said via my gp and on here!
I have been reluctant to end this relationshiip as I have waited so long for something good and was convinced that he was good for me in the beginning. I am honest and communicate with men effectively, so am aware that maybe its my choice of less evolved men, that may be my pit fall. In the beginning, I valued him for being a fantastic father to his daughter, being loyal, honest, kind and generous. I can knock 2 off that list now, which are the most important to a relationship between us, but at least the others are still there, ensuring my unborn child is loved and looked after.
(ps no, he doesnt have a drinking problem) He goes out about once every 4 months and if anything, prior to this pregnancy, I drank more than him, but before you say it,no I dont have a drink problem either just because I let my hair down. All said, his timing was bad and inconsiderate to the highest level and again, broke the trust. That is not acceptable.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 August 2009):
 Do me a favor, try to re-read your own post and pretend it is some other woman and REALLY read it.
You will read about a guy who is giving credit for NOT oggling women in the first months of courtship. We then learns he is in fact chatting to other women. He lies about it. This last for several more months.
Then we find out he apparently has a drinking problem, talks to his ex, moves out. We get the picture of a guy that really has no re-deeming qualities. But that is of little concern. He isn't the one asking for advice, you are.
What is this relationship about? It seems to me that whenever something goes wrong, you just let it slide because you are desperate for any companionship.
He has made it bloody clear what how he is going to behave towards you. Open your eyes. What advice would YOU give to another person who wrote such a story?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Just want to say you sound like a strong woman with a lot to give - you are doing a degree, enriching your life and about to have a baby. Ok... you are not happy in your relationship and totally understandable but do not let that spoil two important aspects of your life as they are major achievements in themselves and you should be proud of yourself for that. You have had a tough past and try and use that to your advantage by staying focused on your own needs. I think because you are a strong lady you cannot so easily see a weak man until its too late - but that is what you are dealing with and not surprisingly you don't respect him. You also give people the benefit of the doubt but I do wonder what it is going to take for you to see this guy for what he is? I am not 100% sure you need any man right now and would benefit mentally and physically to step away from this relationship? He sounds immature and is holding you back by his 'shady' approach to things - knocking your confidence and esteem in the process by making you question not only him but yourself too. I think you need to get in touch with who you are again and start considering the future YOU want. I am going through a similar process (though not pregnant) and it is surprising how, once you remove a negative and give yourself a little more space, it leaves room for something positive to replace it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses so far. 'The boy', you are right, one would be in denial to 'chalk this up to inexperience.' I am by no means playing victim here and am more than happy to take responsibility for my actions. I am a good mother and my child, whether father chosen badly or not, will be brought up better than some would in an unbroken home. Like you, I do have high standards, but when in reference to matters of the heart, I can get very confused. This could fundamentally be down to abuse from my past and therefore, hopefully, a referal for therapy will come through tomorrow when I visit my doctor. I do love him, but whilst being in a vulnerable state of pregnancy, his actions are breaking what trust we had built up and the incident in the beginning, has resurfacd, due to the breakdown in trust. After having been cheated on in the past, there is no way on Gods green earth that I will ever stay with a cheater, but I need to be 100% positive about what I actions I take, due to having a baby to consider. Maybe you are right though, maybe you can see somethign that I cant see and maybe its just a case of booting him out!?!? One thing is for certain, once I've gained clarity, there will be nowhere for any weasel boys to hide! I will not suffer fools!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Personally I don't have a problem with the 'ogling'. My girlfriend and I have an understanding that we will find others attractive and that looking at another isn't really disrespectful - it's just looking. But if you're convinced that he doesn't want to be with you then it isn't just looking, it's seeking. You said he was chatting on a dating website within the first few months of being with him but you were able to get through that so there must be some reason you've stayed with him this long. If there isn't a reason then why are you pregnant with his child?
Here's my advice: Don't dwell on the little stuff. Save your energy for the big stuff. And if you can't handle the big stuff then break up with him - you'd probably both be better off.
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A
female
reader, Kavanna  +, writes (10 August 2009):
 ok i am going to start off saying congrad
then i am going to say that every guy is going to look so dont feel to bad about that!!!
let him you no that he is going to be home with you!
the other thing is yes he is wrong for telling his ex/ baby mom anything that goes on in your relationship.
you need to let him no that he is missing up badly in you cant trust him only because he has test your trust one to meany times to get him on the edge to strighten up...
most guys will change in time and some stop all the games and bull and stighten up quicker then some...
umm hope that this will help you xoxo vanna :)
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