A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just learned 3 days ago that my husband is Passive Aggressive. What an eye opener. I have a feeling this will be a long letter(It is very long, grab a coffee lol), I have never spoke to anyone about this other than my older daughter, no one is aware of his behaviour, he is a perfect man on all outside appearances. I would love to hear anyones opinion on ANYTHING that you can think of that could help save this relationship.I have been with this man for almost 20 years, we have 2 girls together, 18 and 12. We have had a VERY rocky relationship. From the beginning I had my own baggage, I was 16 years old, had been abused all my life, molested by a grandfather, and was very scared to show affection to anyone, I had fears of abandonment. For years we, or shall I say I (it only appeared as though he was helping), worked on MY problems, because I thought I started with all this baggage, that everything wrong in our relationship was MY fault, I felt very much to blame, and he told me I was to blame for everything wrong as well. I asked for his help many, many times throughout 19 years, the help I asked for was for him to be loving and affectionate and in turn I hoped it would help be not be scared to let people touch me or that I could really open up and have that intimacy that we all deserve in a relationship. His help would last a few days, then everything would go back to the same, I would just sit back and try to be comfortable with my life, as we lived as roommates, and this cycle happened at least once a year, and has eventually started happening a lot more frequently, like a few times a year, then every 3 months, I was sick of being in an unhealthy relationship and really wanted so much more.Better add that he has also been an alcoholic for about 16 of the 20 years we have been together, his drinking made him very nasty and mean. I thought this alcoholism was the root of his anger that always showed when he was in the comfort of our home.He refuses to communicate, ignores, yells, silent treatment for days on end, sulks etc. This has been his way to "communicate" for 20 years.This man is perfect to everyone else though, very dedicated to his job, a good work ethic, never went out after work to drink with buddies, always came home and spent all his time with his family, would help anyone in a second. I do love him dearly, and over the years I have felt he was my best friend, I loved spending time with him, as long as I was happy, or appeared happy to him he was awesome to be around.About a year ago, I had a breakthrough in my own problems, and had decided I was not going to let my childhood abusers rule my life and keep me tied to the damage they caused me, I wanted to break free and experience love and intimacy as it should be in a healthy relationship. I talked to him about this, and asked for his support, at first things seemed to be going well, but soon if I tried to talk about anything he would tell me to shut the f*ck up and quit my bit@hing, any feelings I expressed was bit@hing, what I was asking for his help in, was for me to be more open sexually, he ALWAYS told me he wanted me to become more aggressive sexually and with affection. So that is exactly what I was trying to accomplish, I wanted this too, so it wasn’t something only he wanted, I was not only trying to satisfy him with my change, this one was for myself. We did have sex(lights out/missionary type sex) on a regular basis, but everything that was done was only done to make sure he was satisfied, I never had an orgasm in the 20 years we have been together.My first attempt at ever initiating something somewhat sexual with him, I asked him to have a shower with me, in 19 years we had never done this, it was something he had told me he would like to do in prior years, so I was quite upset at the fact when he said no, I don’t feel like it. He had told me he wanted to see me naked more than just when we have sex (I always went and hid to change), so one day I just started changing in front of him, going to bed with only underwear and no top, as he suggested. He never said anything, never any compliment, nothing...he would lay there and stare at the TV.I was feeling very confused, hurt, ugly, undesired, shame, and a whole whack of other bad feelings, when I would try and bring the subject up, I was told to shut the f#ck up as soon as I opened my mouth, his verbal abuse escalated so badly, I was a whore, a bit@h, a bad mother, everything was my fault. I would beg and plead just for him to let me talk, I was never able to talk and express my feelings on the subject, we essentially had huge blow out fights just about me talking, I would be crying and he would tell me to quit acting like a child and just grow the fu@k up. I was forced to write letters, cause he would never let me talk, in my letters I expressed to him that I need reassurance and self-confidence. I asked him if he would be able to compliment me once in awhile (still waiting for that, and its been almost a year), he would never bring the topic up, I had to ask him if he read the letter and what he thought, his answer was usually to shut the fu@k up or don’t force the issue. My attitude was that we had been unloving for 19 years and why wait, I felt I had caused this, and wanted us BOTH to be happy and feel loved and appreciated. My plan was to move ahead and start being happy.Anyways, move ahead a few months, many, many more battles, here I am now, I am in the healthiest state of mind I have ever been in, or so I thought. I have NO fears regarding sexuality, nudity, intimacy, etc. I am open and not embarrassed to talk, try anything. I talked to him last week that I thought he was being distant, he of course responded angrily. I said lets fix this once and for all, I am completely ready to move ahead with our love/sex life, sex had been dwindling down to once every 2 weeks or once a month, I asked him what he needed from me or what I could do to help improve upon our relationship, he responded by telling me he needs me to shut the fu@k up and to become more aggressive, he doesn’t want to see me crying about my feelings or talking about anything regarding our relationship. I was angry as hell, here I am trying to do EXACTLY what he has asked for all these years and he doesn’t want to be part of the solution. I had had enough, I gave him an ultimatum, his choices were: 1. Have sex 2-3 times a week, and for him to help with reassurance. 2. I would leave. Of course he just avoided, blamed and played a victim. He said “just because I have this new outlook on life and want to be all happy, doesn’t mean the whole world is going to do it too, so stop acting so selfish”. His exact words.The next day he takes me for a walk, and says he wants to talk, you can certainly imagine I will not turn this down because he NEVER talks about our relationship, maybe 2 times in the past 20 years. Anyways, on this walk he proceeded to tell me about all my faults, how nobody can stand to be around me, I am demanding, controlling, I only care about myself, he doesn’t care that I am in my prime sexually-where was I when he was in his prime, he told me he feels like I am trying to rape him by "asking" for sex on a more frequent basis, I am childish, idiot, and pathetic.He has ALWAYS told me how nobody likes me, I am selfish etc, etc, my self-esteem had been crippled by his remarks over the years, my main focus on him was for more intimacy and reassurance. You can guarantee I did not feel any of this after his little talk with me. I was just so confused by his actions and words. So I googled, lol and in my search I came upon a description of Passive Aggressive men and how they operate, I was shocked, I could not believe what I was reading, it was like someone hit me with a tonne of bricks. I feel so empowered with this information to FINALLY understand why he acts the way he does, to think back to our past fights and remember his manipulating ways to shut me up so he could ALWAYS get his way, blaming me, never taking responsibility, never trying to reconcile after a fight, I had to do all the work for this relationship, the guilt he would lay on me, playing the poor little victim, and the anger, always angry, would prefer to be angry than any other emotion. I could give him exactly what he asked for and he would still be angry, it just never mattered, the anger never went away.Throughout the years, I made excuses for his behaviour, chalked it up to alcoholism, tried bartering, took his suggestion and "shut the fu@k up", any solution that deems worthy to him, is to avoid every issue, and just sit here looking pretty doing what he wants.So since finding this out just 2 days ago, I have been really paying attention to how he operates when I try to “talk” AKA “bit@h”, it is textbook Passive Aggressive, I actually find it funny but so sad in the same sense. So here I am left to decide if I even want to try any further, I asked him yesterday about the ultimatum I gave him, and about the sex 2 times a week, he told me (yelled) not to push, he needs time, just wait and see how things go, said I am never happy with anything he does, he is useless at sex, far from the truth (he’s playing victim here) I mentioned 1 time VERY gently that I can show him how to please me sexually, he took it as criticism and has made it appear as though I said he sucks at sex, not true whatsoever, I just wanted to be part of sex and also get satisfaction out of it. At this point I have decided to give it a week or two, he knows what I have asked of him, but he is still just being angry, I said to him there are only a few reasons why someone withholds sex from their partner, 1. Not in love anymore/not attracted etc. 2. Cheating , I asked him if either of these were the case, he said no, which I believe him, but then I told him I believe the reason he is withholding is because of anger. I am fully aware that he is using sex as his weapon at this point, he knows that I want that intimacy and connection with him, but he is angry at me for trying to control or tell him what to do, he doesn’t see it as it helping our relationship, he sees it as Winning or Losing, if he has sex with me, then he thinks I have won and he has lost, what a sad outlook to have on life. He has not told me this, I am aware that he is trying to punish me, typical PA.To make matters worse, we just moved to a new city, I don’t know anybody in this town, have no support and if I leave I will be moving 1500km back to where we own a home. Throughout this letter I never mentioned our ages, I am 36 years old, and he is 40, I am far too young to be trapped like this forever. I have great confidence in myself now, I know I look good, same shape I was in when I was 16, I just recently completed a 2 year University program, FINALLY got a drivers license after so many years, so I feel like I can make it on my own, I do know that other men will appreciate me. I am actually quite proud of myself to have been able to hold onto some of my self-worth and confidence after all the crap he has said to me, I feel pretty strong right now. For 19 years I was completely dependent on him, I was a stay at home mom and no drivers license.The hard part is deciding to stay or go, I love him with all my heart, just can’t imagine living the rest of my life without him, BUT can I live with his games for the rest of my life, I take steps forward, and he just pushes me 100 steps back with his remarks and anger. It scares the shit out of me that if I leave I might be making the biggest mistake of my life and may not be able to ever get him back if I ever chose to be with him again. I see his behaviour in my youngest daughter now, it scares me, I don’t want her to live her life with that kind of warped thinking, my oldest daughter hates her father, besides me, he took out his behaviour on her as well, this girl is an amazing daughter, never done anything really bad, honour roll through school, has had her work published in books, just a terrific daughter, but he has crushed her self-esteem, she has major anxiety from the way he treated her, she fears him, and has wanted me to leave him for years. Sorry for the length of this, hard to give the short version on 20 years of craziness. I know there isn’t a lot of advice anyone can give, but I think I would just like to be validated for once in my life that everything wrong IS not my fault. For all you other women out there who have endured this crap from someone who “loves you”, I am so sorry you had to experience this, that you fell for their games like I did, I think there is no way to change these people, its their way or the highway, sadly I think I will be taking the highway. Please, if anyone can offer any advice or just their view on the subject I would very much appreciate it. I have felt so alone for so many years with this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BonnieBlink  +, writes (30 December 2010):
Dear Question asker:
You said "It scares the shit out of me that if I leave I might be making the biggest mistake of my life and may not be able to ever get him back if I ever chose to be with him again." That caught my attention because I have said the same thing myself. But here is my advice. You must believe that things work out if they are meant to. If you stay, you aready know what you get (20 more years of the same). Is that what you want?
Here's the thing. P-A men like this one, are like vampires. They take your power leaving you like half a person instead of a whole person. That is their goal. Because if you are only half of a person, you will never have the guts to leave and they can control you for good. That means, they can blame you for all their faults and not have to take responsibility. They can retreat from you for days at a time and not feel guilt (because we all know it is your fault, never his). And just when you get to the point of completely fed up and ready to leave, they will reel you back in with love and affection (or guilt, or whatever measure they use). Why? Because they thrive on knowing they have that power over you. But as they gain more power, you get diminished. You lose yourself. You lose your nerve. You lose your sense of what's right and wrong.
And sometimes, they don't even have to reel you back in, because you'll do that yourself! You waffle between hating him and hating yourself. You hate him for punishing you and not respecting your needs, so you start to pull away and stand up for yourself. You begin to feel empowered. But before long, you shift gears and start to hate yourself. You second guess yourself - how could you leave such a good person? Maybe he was right and it was you being b@tchy. ****That is when he knows he has control of you. When he no longer has to swoon you back into his web. You'll do it yourself. You'll punish yourself for treating him badly and run back to the "familiar" even if it is uncomfortable.
How do I know this? because I have lived it with three passive agressive men. Each one different, but similar. The last one was the hardest to get away from. Because I loved him so much. He was the master at covert abuse. He not only had everyone of his family members and friends fooled, but he also had ME fooled. The one he punished! He had me so sure I was at fault for every argument. See, he rarely got angry (or at least outwardly angry). Instead, he channelled the anger in other ways - forgetting to call me, leaving me hanging, rarely committing to plans I would make for us, putting me off, making plans without my input, and not standing up for me when someone else (like his kids) would do something completely disrespectful to me. I put up with it for 4 years. The worst part was the way he would "set up a fight". He was a master at getting us into an argument right before he had some kind of vacation planned for he and his kids. See, if we fought, then he wouldn't have to feel guilty about taking them away over the Christmas holiday and leaving me by myself. He could justify leaving me alone because of our fight. Three of our four Christmases, he succeeded in getting me to fight with him and then leaving me for the whole holiday season without so much as a phone call. Then when the holiday ends and the kids are back in school and he gets lonely, he calls me and reels me back in. (or that's what he use to do - NO MORE!)
After 4 years, I got smart and did some research on Passive Agressive men - he is the poster child. I left him without guilt, without fear, and without question. I took back my power and know without a doubt I made the right decision. If he SINCERELY wants to get me back, he will get counseling. Nothing short of that will make me return.
You already know what you've got with this guy. Do you want 20 more years of it? If you leave, he won't have you to blame for all his sins and maybe he will finally look in the mirror and be able to recover. As long as you are there, he has an excuse to stay the same and someone to blame other than himself.
Best of luck to you!
A
female
reader, mazzee +, writes (13 November 2010):
I'm only as old as your oldest daughter so I can't offer you any actual advice on what to do. However, my dad is the same as your husband. He is rude to my mom and always victimizes himself, though your situation seems to be worse (he doesn't insult her on a daily basis but when he does it never ceases to shock me. threatens her with some seriously sick "humor" etc. You know how it is).
So I will echo your daughter's words: leave him. You deserve better than the miserable time he's giving you.
"It scares the shit out of me that if I leave I might be making the biggest mistake of my life and may not be able to ever get him back if I ever chose to be with him again."
You know what I think would actually be going on there? Maybe you'd try dating around, maybe you'd want to stay single for a while. But if you started to feel bad, you'd be missing the experience of having SOMEONE. You'd reminisce on good memories of him. You'd correlate the two and think he was actually a positive aspect in your life, and start to think you made a mistake. If you made a quick chart of the pros and cons of living with him vs away from him, I think you'd realize the true answer pretty quickly.
Now, I've tried to put myself in my mom's situation many times. We are not originally from this country, so we don't have family here. My parents don't have many close friends (my mom can never invite people over because my dad will refuse and will yell at her if she asks), so she doesn't have that network of support either (she's very guarded and doesn't talk about home issues). So, I understand it would be EXTREMELY difficult for her to leave. There are also times when he is wonderful. He can be really funny and understanding and tolerant and rational. Suddenly, we're heartbroken by his behavior. He isn't a bad ma. Not at all. He's simply a man who's had to deal with an abusive, alcoholic father and is doing the best he can, and sadly is running into the same behavior.
It's all so complicated. I don't hate my father. And I know my mom doesn't either. I wish she could have more of what she wants but she deals with it reasonably well. She doesn't let him get to her. When he makes fun of her, she simply deflects it. He'll say something sarcastic and biting and she'll just play along with no real negative reaction. That definitely stops him since he feeds off negativity (I still fight back because I hate his irrationality. I'm a fool to try but I haven't learned to control it).
I think now's your time to really try to get out there and make friends. Go out to coffee with them and get to know them, so then you won't have to deal with asking your husband and it won't stop you from actually making connections. Whatever you do, don't let him stop you from making friends, because having those people in your life will help keep you sane.
Let's face it, he won't change. If he's anything like my father he'll refuse any sort of counseling too.
You want intimacy. So make friends to help with the emotional distance. Plan nights out with them, attempt to include him if you decide that's what you want to do but realize that he has no impact on relationships YOU decide to make. Don't let him control you by not letting you have people over or you going out. He'll probably try to accuse you of cheating but we both know that's just a ploy. You've been dealing with it for all these years, why would this remark be so much different?
This advice isn't very practical, since it's so hard to do, but distance yourself from him emotionally. Live life on YOUR terms and put yourself first. My mom has done this pretty well and I think it's stopped her from going into ruin. It's not the ideal way to live but hey, she insists on staying with him so she does what she can.
Sorry if any of this sounded naive, just offering my perspective. You sound like a wonderful mother and a wonderful person. I hope you keep us posted with what happens. Best of luck and lots of hugs!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (12 November 2010):
 I am going to recommend that you go out or online and buy 3 books - Bad Childhood - Good Life, The Care and Proper Feeding of Husbands and the Care and Proper Feeding of Marriage, all by Dr. Laura. She is a pretty no-nonsense advice giver.
I have to say, after reading your descriptions, the thing that struck me most was how he probably is pretty cranky after not having sex for the last 20 years and to suddenly diagnose him after not dealing with your own problem isn't going to change his 'passive aggressiveness' or change the fact that you were abused as a child, it's just further placing the blame back on him. You should accept that you have done some damage in your own relationship; and ASK if he wants to try to get marriage and personal counseling in order to TRY to attempt to find some common ground and find a way to get back to being civil with one another before you expect your sex life to get back to any semblance of normalcy.
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A
female
reader, LublyuYa +, writes (12 November 2010):
Do your kids live with you at this point? From my persepctive, his unchanging behaviour has and will continue to have a negative impact on your kids, and from everything you have described there is really not much future in this relationship. 20 years is a long time, you have known him for more than half of your life, but maybe it's time for a change. Like you said, you have more confidence and know that there is more than one man out there, and there will certainly be one tha respects and loves you for you. Don't put up with this kind of abuse; leave for yourself, and for your children. Maybe it'll turn out that once you take that final step, the rest will follow much smoother than you might have though.
I really wish the best for you, hope everything works out well in the end.
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