A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:When embarking on a new relationship how much should you tell your new partner about your "relationship past"I ask this not because I've had a problem with this nor am I embarking on a new relationship but simply because I see on this site that there is a lot of difference of opinion on what you should share with a partner about your past when it comes to previous relationships.I personally would always tell a new partner1) Whether I'd ever been married or had children.2) Whether I'd been engaged or had cohabited with somebody.3) about any exes that i was still in contact with and explain why (For example my very first boyfriend because our parents are still good friends, he was my brother's best man and my brother is godfather to his kids so I do still bump into him sometimes and therefore so would any serious boyfriend I have)4) Whether I'd worked in the sex-industry (Don't worry I haven't!)5) Whether I was a virgin (I'm not!)I'd probably be happy to share a bit more if a somebody asked I certainly wouldn't want to mention every guy I've dated, kissed, slept with or had a short-term relationship with. Some of it was so long ago I'd struggle to remember it!!Should you mention that you've been speed dating in the past or tried internet dating?And then there are some other things that people may have in their sexual past..... should some-one have to tell a partner that they have been raped in the past, or had a miscarriage or an abortionSome posters (and answerers) feel that all these things should be shared right from the very beginning. But when is the beginning?? The first date? The first kiss? When you become exclusive? When you realise you're in love? When want to start planning a future?I guess I'm after opinions here and to open some discusson. Thanks for reading.
View related questions:
abortion, engaged, sexual past, speed dating Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): I don't think you should force someone to tell you but I would want to know if my partner had had a lot of previous sexual partners - mainly because there is an increased risk of infections etc.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): Imagine trying to formally hire someone to be your live-in roommate, best hangout friend, sex partner, emotional support, financial partner, and part of your family.
There is no job interview & background check too invasive for that. No matter how much you wanted to know, we would call it fully justified. We would say its just stupid not to try to find out as much as you can.
If you catch the person lying about something? Gone. Deal off immediately. If they explained it by saying "I had to lie because I knew you couldn't handle the truth" then they would merely be insulting you instead of having the decency to accept when they did something wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 January 2014):
 That IS a very good question and I think a healthy think to discuss in the early stages.
I don't think the number of previous partners is of essence, though it never bothered me to disclose.
I honestly think the MORE you know is a good thing. But I also think it's needs to come out sort of organically and over a time. But I don't think you need to know EVERY intimate or sexual detail of their past.
I do think that bringing up kids, previous marriage(s), divorce, values and morals (for me is kind of important). When I say values and morals - I think it's always good to know how they see things such as cheating, sexting and see if the 2 of you are on the same page. Do they believe in marriage? Are they religious? Spiritual? Can they respect YOUR views?
I think disclosing view on birth control is important (if you are on the pill and is smart enough to STILL expect him to use a condom). The whole sex-worker - yea, I'd want to know if the guy I'm seeing has been an escort/male prostitute. (personally, that would be a no-go for me).
I'm of an age where, well being a woman with 3 kids, it just isn't important to bring the "virginity status" up. I do think before taking the step to have sex, there needs to be a fresh std panel done. Because there are so many people not really having safe sex. However, that doesn't mean you are 100% protected. It just means you want the both of you to be safe and healthy.
I know my husband was quite promiscuous as a teen and after his divorce (got married at 19, divorced at 21) but I don't know the ALL details. We met at 27, so he was over that stage.
I think it's important that you disclose what YOU are comfortable with and WHEN you feel comfortable enough with the other person. So there is no SET TIMER that goes PING! and you have to disclose your deepest darkest secrets!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): It is none of anybody's business, as long as your past is not a deal breaker.It belongs to you and you don't have to explain all the details in your life.Something general is enough. I am very pretty and attractive, as other people say! and I have gotten attention all the time.My past is just as usual as many others without anything crazy, few boyfriends and no one night stands, and that was it.I am married now my husband has never asked me anything about my past I have never asked too because it is pointless. so what? if you like someone knowing something about his or her past that you don't like will bother you and it was in the past and you can not do anything about it, so why you bother to even ask!
...............................
A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (18 January 2014):
 I think this is one of those questions where there is no real right or wrong answer. It will vary from person to person depending on the type of person the two people involved are and how the relationship is progressing etc. The way I am, I'm happy to answer any questions that a current partner has but I tend not to volunteer much information but that is just me.
Same applies to my partner in the sense that if they want to volunteer information that is fine by me and I do sometimes. I can see it being an issue if you still have contact with an ex, that is something that you probably should disclose as it has a material affect on your current relationship.
Basically, as long as it doesnt have a direct impact on the current relationship then I dont thing there is an obligation to disclose.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 January 2014):
I'm largely in agreement with you, OP.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): Its important to be fair. IMO that means even if your partner does not need to know everything, they have a right to know about where your values are and what you are capable of.
You don't really learn about a person until you know their worst & weakest moments along with their better ones. Asking them what they believe or how they think they should live their life does not cut it. You also need to have some idea of what their past actions show about them. The more they want to forget something, the more important it probably is for you to know about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 January 2014):
 Me personally, wouldn't divulge anything personal unless I'd known someone for quite a while and if they asked.
Things like being married and having kids should be bog standard on meeting someone but intimate and personal stuff depends on who you are telling and how you think they would handle the information.
Some people do not want to know about a partners sexual past, some would like to be in ignorant bliss or just focus on their relationship with the person.
Disclosing stuff like abortions or past STi's is probably TMI right at the start of a relationship and some won't divulge these at all. It's down to the individual isn't it?
People who map it all at right at the start (like they are at a job interview)will most likely end up putting a potential new partner off, things tend to get talked about as things go on. The amount of past sexual partners seems to be a tenuous issue for both men and women (as we have seen on DC) as for some people they worry that they have picked someone who has been 'around' a bit too much which might raise issues of jealousy or inadequacy...but again different people handle things in different ways.
The more you feel secure and loved by a person, the more you may want to reveal and I think that is probably the way to go!
Good question!! :-)
...............................
|
