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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been in an on-line relationship for 2 months. My bf and I decided to meet, so we went ahead and made plans. But a few days before he realised he doesn't have enough money for the trip. I have agreed to lend him but I keep wondering if I am being used or if I will be repaid the money.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 There are several things an LDR needs. ONE of them is MONEY.
YOu need more money in an LDR than you do in a close relationship. Travel (even in a car) costs money.
My now husband figured out that my weekly trips to visit him (a 100 mile trip one way) ran about 150 dollars round trip.... what with wear and tear on the car, tolls and gas.
You have been LDR online for 2 months now...
you've met once IRL... so it went well.
rule one: do not lend him money any more. TAKE the fact that he has no money to spare as a big huge red flag to watch closely.
rule two... do not expect to see that money back... if he can't manage to budget his money to save some money (which would mean he didn't have to "borrow" from you) how is he going to manage to budget to pay you back?
rule three: if it works out.. who is going to move next year? if no one can or will move, I would not even bother... LDRs for adults are only a temporary fix till you can be together in real life full time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): I'm the OP
Thanks for the advice Cindy Cares. Yes, I suppose it's a pretty complicated story to explain, but you're right, I'll just keep my eyes open, and I definitely won't be lending any more money, or taking any more trips with him until he proves he can afford the whole thing completely. And yes, I saw his electronic ticket when he bought it the first time.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2014):
 I am a bit confused . " ... he had to buy a new ticket , which ate up all the money he had got ".
So, do you mean that : 1 ) he had bought his first ticket 2) he missed his flight 3 ) he had to buy a second ticket 4 ) which ate up all HIS money ?
But if it is so, what money did you lend him ? he had already paid two tickets of his own.
Or, did you mean that : 1 ) a few days before coming he realized he did not have the money for hist FIRST ticket 2 ) you lent him the money for his FIRST ticket 3 ) he missed the flight 4 ) he had to buy a SECOND ticket which ate up all his money.
But, if he had his own money at the time of buying the second ticket... how come he had to borrow from you to buy the FIRST . Then he had the money already.
I must have missed or misunderstood some passage- but as it is , the situation sounds fishy, I doubt he has been sincere with you. Good for you that you have his written aknowledgement of the loan ( although I also doubt you'll bother to drag him to court for the price of a flight ticket, and probably he counts on that ). I don't know if I'd bring up the issue again- what is done is done, and probably if you ask him the hows and whys... he'll just come up with some fib.
But for sure I'd keep my eyes very very open for a good " trial period " before finally deciding that yes he is genuine and I can trust all he says. And most surely I would not lend him again even a single cent, no matter how many papers he is willing to sign.
Did you actually have proof that he bought his first ticket, the one of his supposedly cancelled flight ? I.e. that this ticket ever existed, that your loan actually went toward the purchase of this ticket, and not toward covering some other expense or debt of his ? ( which, though, would not explain how he came up with the money for the 2nd ticket the day after, but this sounds like a complicated story anyway :).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): I'm the one that asked this question. This guys isn't completely random. We were in the same year in high school and recently reconnected. We planned this about a month in advance and made a budget and everything, but then the day before he went to get money is when he found out he had less in his account than bargained for. He showed up on the trip a day later than planned because he said he missed his flight and had to buy a new ticket. which ate up all the money he had. We both signed something acknowledging that I lent him money.
We had both already bought our ticket, and my ticket was non-refundable so really, it seemed like the only option at the time was to go by myself or lend the money. I didn't lend him anymore than I had planned even though he had to buy a new ticket.
He seems really genuine and we had a great time, but still at the back of my mind I'm still thinking that maybe something happened that he didn't tell me about. Do you think I should talk to him about my concern? I'm very bad at having awkward conversations
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 January 2014):
Always assume any money you lend will never be repaid unless it is done in a very business like fashion, ie, with paperwork, contracts, and collateral.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): If someone does not have the money to sustain a long distance relationship then they should not be in one. What happens the next time and the next time? Wake up and realise this relationship should not be like this - before he clears your bank account.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 January 2014):
Did you send money ti an in line guy that you haven't ever met ?... I would not be surprised if he never showed up, let alone giving you your money back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): um... why would you lend him the money?
Why, instead, don't you just offer to buy the TICKET? then when he says "no no no, I just need the money" or something like that, you'll know for sure!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): Never lend out an amount of money that you're not prepared to lose forever!
Did this guy actually ask you to lend him the money or did you volunteer it? Either way you could still be being used but I think it's very presumptious and forward for someone that you've never met to ask to borrow money. The polite thing to do would be to postpone the visit until he did have the money.
It screams of a scam to me - especially as he's only realised a few days before the trip that he doesn't have enough money. If you read up on how "romance scams" work, you'll see that after the initial request for money to fund the trip, there'll be even more requests for cash before the trip can be taken
E.g. If you lend him money for petrol(gas), he would then tell you that his car tax or MOT (roadworthiness certificate) has just expired and he needs more money to sort that. Or the car has just broken down and it need XXX amount to fix it.
If you lend him money for flights, you'll find that the amount didn't cover the tax or that he needs to arrange a passport or visa which all costs money or he can't even afford the money to get himself to the airport so would you be able to cough up that little bit extra.
If flights or rail travel are involved you could offer to buy the non-transferrable tickets for him (rather than the cash to buy it himself). Then he wouldn't actually "profit" if he's taking you for a ride but you would still lose your money if he "conveniently" missed the plane/train or something.
If you can afford the money and you think that he's genuine then there's nothing to stop you from travelling to see him. Even if then you decide the relationship isn't for you at least you know that your money was spent on what it was intended for rather than lining a freeloaders pocket.
If you've already offered to visit him and he persistantly declines - then (again) I would question whether he was genuine.
Bottom line - I strongly advise you not to lend him the money
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 January 2014):
 The other aunts have been wonderful with their advice, and I agree that not only are you being used, but this is a big red flag in terms of whether or not he is relationship material.
I want to point out that you can't legally enforce a loan like this, even if you had it put in writing and signed. The reason for this is that you're giving him money in order to benefit yourself. Think of it as buying and paying for a visit instead of a loan. The only way you could get it back is if you gave him money and he runs off with it. However, even if you sue him in court, he could declare bankruptcy and duck his debt to you, provided that I'm talking to someone from the US (I can't be sure).
Do not ever let money come into a relationship, online or otherwise. That is a sign of abject desperation from you that the only boyfriend you could get is one you have to pay for.
If he wants to see you, he needs to come up with the money, or you are making what you give him into a GIFT, because there is no such thing as loaning someone money to do something to benefit yourself. It's one thing if you're loaning him the money to repair his car, or to bail him out of jail, or to help him pay a personal debt. But this falls in line with paying for a date, like if you gave him the money to pay for taking you out to dinner, just on a larger scale.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (18 January 2014):
 You are being used. Do not lend him the money.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2014):
 The fact that he didn't REALIZE he couldn't afford til a FEW days before he was due, well that kind of tells what kind of guy he is. He should have TOLD you, look I can't afford coming to see you yet, I need to SAVE up more money first.
How much money are we talking about?
How did you send it too him?
How far away do you two live? Different states or countries?
Would he be staying with you ? If so you would be paying for his food and taking him out while he is visiting too?
And this would be the FIRST time you met?
And after ONLY knowing him 2 months (online) ?
Too many red flags for me, but I guess you will find out of he shows up or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): Such a turn off! why he should ask you for money to meet you on the first date! It tells a lot about his personality. No one else was on the earth that he could ask for money? did you meet finally? or you are still waiting..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): Have you and this man actually met?
If not, this sounds suspiciously like a scam.
If you haven't met him in person DO NOT give him any money.
If you two have met, then question whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't manage their money.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 January 2014):
 You are being used. He could have borrowed money from his parents or friends. The fact that he needs to borrow in the first place shows that he doesnt know how to manage money. It is strange that he didnt "realize" he couldnt afford it just a few days before the trip. I dont buy it. Hes a freeloader. Sure, he might pay you back some of the money, but then he will soon "suddenly realize" that he needs to borrow more. Read my article on this, please. Ive been through such crap already.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 January 2014):
There is always a risk that you won't see the money back if you lend someone money at this stage. Has he actually used the money to book a ticket to come and see you?
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