A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’m in a long distance relationship for a few years now. I’m older and settled in career but he is not. He stilll trying to find his feet.When we talk about marriage, every time he says not now, firstly not ready, then he wants thing in life, then its career not settled. It’s been an off and on discussion for some time now. Recently he asked for a few weeks to decide. However when i asked him he said no change. He tells me everything will be ok. He knows i want to get married as i want kids asap. But when i asked him in ideal world does he want kids straight away he said no. But he will give me a child if that’s what i want. The reply did not please me. I feel stuck and dont know what to do. I feel cos of my age and culturally pressure to get married, do i stick with him and hope he soon will have a job he wants and we can get married or do i what i sometimes feels is my gut feeling that there will always be something and now walk away. How long do i wait? If i end it, how do i do that? It’s causing me to feel anxious and I’ve started to feel distant from him. Ive told him this. There are so many things I’ve asked him to change on ie try calling me more often, stop thinking so negative all the time - all he says to me “you are right and I’m wrong” - nothing changes. This is not a right or wrong ? It’s about feeling what i feel and want should be the same both ways?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all thank you for your replies.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2021): Though distance may be somewhat of an obstacle here; I think this is more related to both parties not being on the same-page, or seeking the same goals.
If the relationship was well-established and separated for unforeseen reasons, or you met on the internet; but living in distant-countries, or many miles apart. Distance is definitely a strain. It's a stress-factor, because determining when or how to close the distance can be contentious. Giving-up everything for love is not always an option. Does it always have to be the woman in the relationship?
Somebody may have to uproot their lives to be with the other. You're established, he's not. The biblical expression for this is you're "unequally-yoked." You wouldn't hitch a big ox to a wagon with a weaker smaller ox. It's best they be two of a kind; with similar/complementary strength, and able to work as a team. One shouldn't be forced to carry most of the burden. Imagine how awkward it would be to force them to work together! Same goes when one partner has it together; while the other is still searching for who they are, and what he/she wants to be. There is room for compromise, but you shouldn't get the short-end of the stick when we're talking marriage.
I fear sometimes distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, but more apart. He still has the illusion of being single and independent.
If your beau was not really that into marriage to start with; it only follows he will consistently have reasons to postpone the idea. He wants a long-term relationship; but marriage may be the deal breaker. Seems like you've hit an impasse.
How long you want to wait is based on how long you can stand to wait, before you've given-up? It seems to me he's biding his time and hoping you will!
Offering to be a sperm-donor wasn't really very nice, though predictable; as if that's some kind of consolation or appeasement.
You want the whole deal...the complete enchilada! Marriage, and then a family! Stability within a structured and legally-recognized committed-relationship. Husband and wife! Toss in those cute cuddly little fat babies and a pet! You deserve it all, sweetheart!
Unfortunately, too many women settle for less. If you want it all, go get it all! Stop letting man-babies and commitment-phobes have the final-say; by making you their perpetual-girlfriend! Knocking you up; then taking flight for parts unknown, once a kid is in the picture. Wanting nothing to do with his own offspring! He'll give you sperm, but the kid is your problem! The worse case scenario, he stalls you for years. Six months to a year after the breakup, the jerk announces he's engaged!!! Women tell us about it on DC all the time!
You've pretty much squared-off with your man; and made it clear that you want to move on to the next step. You can't force anyone into marriage; take heed if they are hesitant, or opposed to the move! It will not work, if they feel rushed, forced, manipulated, or coerced under relentless pressure! Considering even when both parties are perfectly willing; and they suddenly hit a snag, and it all comes-apart! The odds are more in your favor when he wants what you want, at the same-time!
Sometimes the guy wants to be the one to decide when to propose. I think he's dragging his feet, and it's not really on his agenda...at least not in the near future.
Do what is best for you. You have to be strong in your resolve; and not do like so many who forfeit what they want to pacify a man-boy who doesn't want to be joined to the same lady for a lifetime, doesn't want to be weighed-down by a family, and the thought of adult-responsibility leaves a bad-taste in his mouth! The thought of marriage triggers his fight or flight instinct! Too many grown-ass males are terrified of the thought of one vagina for life! They'd rather putter around being a man-sized child, having a "forever-girlfriend;" leaving them the open-option to exit at any given moment after a fight, or if something better comes along.
Think this over and make a decision. Do what's best for you. You know him, and you know when he's messing you around.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 February 2021):
 I have been in long distance relationships and they are rough. Definitely not for the faint of heart. You really have to be strong to keep them going. Sadly many times they don't work out for a variety of reasons. Its easy to become complacent in them if both people are alright with not seeing each other so much and don't miss the closeness. They are almost like a fantasy to be honest. Time can go by very quickly before you realize it.
I think you already know that its time to end this relationship because this man is just stalling. He could find a way to make things work if he really wanted to, but he's happy to just let things ride. You are ready for more and you deserve it. Don't waste more time waiting to see if he ever gets off of his butt and makes a full commitment to you.
I speak from personal experience. If you can believe it, I was in a LDR for almost 15 years. We really loved each other and travelled often to see each other and even lived together for a year and 1/2. Both of us had very high pressure demanding jobs, and neither could really give up what we had to be with the other. It got to the point though that it just wasn't enough for me. He always said he would move to be with me but it never happened. I got tired of always being alone, just talking on the phone and skype. We were both in our 40's and I already had grown kids so I didn't have that concern like you do, but I totally get where you are coming from. I ended the relationship. It almost killed me because I loved him so very much. 3 months went by...and guess what? He proposed to me, we got married and he is living with me. He moved to be with me. We are very happy together. I guess my push made him realize what he truly wanted.
I was lucky. It worked out for us. I would have been ok eventually though if it had not because I was just sick and tired of waiting.
Don't wait any longer OP. He could keep you holding on for years and if you want children, you should be concentrating on finding a man who is ready to give his all NOW...not MAYBE a few years from now.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 February 2021):
 You already know deep down that you need to let this one go, otherwise you would not have written in. You are just thinking aloud and processing your decision. You admit to having a "gut feeling" that there will always be hurdles going forward. Trust your gut feeling. If nothing has changed in "a few years", then, as you suspect, it probably won't for at least another "few years", IF EVER.
If this guy really wanted a future with you and to marry you, he would have found a way. The fact that he only makes excuses and can't even make an effort to call you more often should have had alarm bells ringing a long time ago.
You have two choices: accept him as he is and accept you may never have the child/children you crave while, at the same time having a deeply unsatisfactory relationship with someone whose heart isn't in it, or let him go and take your chances on finding someone who is on the same page as you. Next time don't waste as much time on someone who only gives you excuses. While you are wasting your time on this guy, there may be the perfect guy out there just waiting to meet you.
Good luck. I hope you find what you want and deserve.
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A
male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (7 February 2021):
That answer he gave you about not wanting children but he will give one to you speaks volumes. It seems like he's going to keep postponing indefinitely.I feel he seems a bit too wishy washy for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2021):
 You know HE can biologically play the waiting game longer than you. You (as a woman) DO have a "fertility expiration "date", whereas men can father children in their 70+
So for you, marriage AND children is a must. It's something you have been honest about wanting from the start and he has dragged his feet using multiple excuses NOT to do it. But have decided that OH yeah he will pop a baby in your oven but NOT marry you.... WHAT does that tell you?
It tells me that he has absolutely NO intentions of marrying you. Knocking you up is NOT a commitment. WHAT SO EVER. And it's NOT what you would like for your life.
So, I'd say :"Buddy, it's been great but you and I have very different wants and needs and ideas for our future, so I will wish you will and move on." (in your own words of course).
And then you CUT all contact, take a little time to move on and regroup and look for an equal partner, someone who has the same values and ideas as yourself. Someone who WANT to marry you, be your husband and the father of your children.
And no, this isn't about right and wrong per se, it IS about him being WRONG for you, and YOU being wrong for him.
I can see why he is dragging his feet, financially he has less to offer than you, you KNOW what you want and where you are going career wise. He is still getting his feet wet. Nothing wrong with that, except he is in essence stringing you along.
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