A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for a few months. We met online through a dating app. I feel like she is everything that I have been searching for in a partner. I realize that our relationship is still very young and of course there is still time for things to go wrong, but for now, I feel like I am determined to eventually marry this girl and she has told me that she feels the same way about me.But, there is one thing that makes it all very complicated... She is Muslim, and I am not. For the time being, our relationship is completely a secret from her family. I guess that when she is with me, her family thinks that she is just visiting a friend. I realize this seems very deceitful, but I guess that this situation is very common for Muslim girls who are dating non-Muslim guys.Her and I have discussed our hopes to eventually get married and she asked me if I would consider converting to also become Muslim. I told her I would and I truly meant it. I had already discussed it with some friends of mine who are also Muslim. The biggest thing that they told me was that her being the reason I consider converting is fine, but that I should convert for myself, and not for her. While that is obviously a grey line, I think that over time I can stay true to that.Of course, different people have different levels of devotion to their religion... so I realize it may be different for every situation. As far as I can tell, her family is fairly easy going about most things. She told me she feels confident that, as long as I become Muslim, her parents would eventually accept me, although her mom will wish I was a Pakistani guy...The thing that is making me feel anxious, is that eventually we will have to reveal our relationship to her family in a way that will not hurt them or make them feel deceived. I guess the idea that is at the front of my mind is to tell them that we met online (which is true) and that we have been getting to know each other virtually (which is also true, we communicate almost constantly every day) but not tell them that we have also been meeting in person without them knowing...And to make it all more complicated, I hope to get my own parents' approval. They are somewhat ignorant and prejudice towards Muslims which bothers me deeply but I hope that I can help them to be more understanding over time. For now, it is a difficult conversation that I am having with them, but they seem willing to listen to me.If anyone has experience with a similar situation, please share any thoughts or advice you have about it. Thank you 3
View related questions:
met online, muslim Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here.
5 months later, we are still together and things are going good. I met her parents for the first time last week and they we're surprisingly totally fine with me. I got the typical boyfriend interrogation from her dad but it all went really well. Her parents told me that they're excited for me to be a part of their family and hope that I'll have a good relationship with them. I wish that we had talked to them sooner because my girlfriend and I have spent a lot of time being worried about their reaction, but in the end it turns out there was nothing to worry about.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 February 2021):
 If you REALLY want to convert, talk to a Muslim scholar/Imam, not rely on your friends. There are nuances they don't consider because they LIVE with the religion in most aspects of their lives and they have from birth. For them, "that is just how it is". Your friends can INTRODUCE you to Islam but they can not guide you properly.
Not eating pork, drinking alcohol, smoking weed, doing other drugs, is but a SMALL SMALL part of being a Muslim. There are Muslims who DO eat pork and definitely some that drink alcohol too, and some smoke pot/weed. Again, nuances.
Also is she (and her family) a Shiite Islam or Sunni? While most Pakistanis belong to the Sunni sect, there is also Sufism which is extremely popular and influential.
Consider Christian groups. Catholics, Protestants, Quakers, Baptists, etc. etc. There is a common ground in them but they DO take different paths and hold different beliefs.
It is the same for Muslims.
And then you mentions her family is from Pakistan, which then also adds the "layer" (if you will) of tribal groups.
Talk to your parents, then find a Mosque and talk to a Muslim scholar. Ask this scholar for reading material, and do your OWN research.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 February 2021):
 Her parents will know you've had some sort of association before your introduction. Common sense will tell them their daughter didn't just bring in a man she's just met off the street.
If you go in with a guilty conscience, her parents might pick up on that, so act innocent, because you are.
Don't offer explanations and apologies prematurely.
Addressing the double standard you seem to have with your parents might help you come up with a better way to communicate with them. Her parents are no more open minded than yours are, they both want the same things for their children. If you're prepared to convert to a new religion and make notable lifestyle changes to accommodate hers, you might consider being a little more forgiving of your own.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm. It seems like these responses are overwhelmingly negative. My friends who are Muslim have all told me to go for it and my gf has told me that she feels certain her family will except me as long as I convert. It seems likely to me that the reality will be much more difficult then she’s imagining... and I am struggling to imagine a situation where we can eventually reveal our relationship to her parents with out them feeling deceived... which is why I’m looking for advice from anyone who might have gone through a similar situation.As for conversion, ofcourse that is something I have to do on my own and that will take some time. My Muslim friends seem eager to council me through it. As with any religion there are varying interpretations and levels of dedication to faith. Things like giving up pork and alcohol, and praying don’t seem particularly burdensome to me and likely will help me to live a happier, healthier life...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2021): As a “muslim” who doesn’t practice I offer you my opinion. I’m a muslim but Iranian and most Iranians just carry the label and don’t believe or practice. I’m married to an American guy and no one cares in my family like many other Persians. He offered to convert and my family didn’t want him to convert. It’s different when it comes to a Pakistani family. Majority of them are very religious and even dating is not allowed. Of course there are always exceptions but it doesn’t look like it in your case. My classmate was from Pakistan and she told me once if she gets a boyfriend her parents would kill her. She went back to Pakistan to get married,obviously arranged marriage, and brought her husband here.To know them better ask her what would be the worst case if the parents find out? if you want to continue you need to convert, meet the parents and ask for marriage! Are you ready for that?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2021):
I'm absolutely with Ciar.
Your GF's parents are as ignorant and prejudice towards non-Muslims as your parents are toward Muslims.
Converting (regardless of WHAT religion you convert to) should NEVER be done lightly. It's not a hat you can take off and on as you please or with regards to whom you date. It is (especially for a Muslim) a LIFE LONG commitment.
She (your GF) shouldn't even be dating as a Muslim, let alone a Muslim girl. I went to school with a Turkish girl, and her brother who was in my brother's grade. They were Muslims though seemingly not "very" Muslim. However, they were Muslim enough that when the girl started dating a Danish boy, her uncle and brother took it upon then to punish her. It's called an "honor killing" though there is NO honor in killing a teenage girl. How this was 35 years ago, honor killings are rare (in my old country) but they DO still happen.
If her family finds out she is "dating" some Canadian white kid I an willing to bet she will be carted off to Pakistan to get married ASAP.
I don't see this "romance" playing out in anyway shape or form that will be good for either of you.
You have ONLY been dating a few months. I think you are putting the cart before the horse. Because you don't know her well enough to marry her, and I sincerely doubt her family wants her to be "dating" anyone before marriage.
Sorry, it sounds like a non-starter.
You friends are VERY right. You shouldn't change or pick up a religion to date a girl. Let's say 6 months down the line, you two don't work out. YOU will still HAVE to be a Muslim. Don't you? Or no? I think you should talk to am Imam or a Islam/Muslim scholar before you talk to your parents. Or make a choice. And you should PROBABLY not mention your Muslim GF...... while you learn about Islam.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 February 2021):
So, your girlfriend's parents' preferences are to be accommodated while your parents' are to be corrected.
Her parents are 'easy going about most things' despite wanting their daughter to marry one of their own, while your parents are 'ignorant and prejudiced' for wanting their son to do likewise.
A bit of a double standard, isn't it?
I agree with your friends that converting to another faith should be done with sincerity, and not just to placate others.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2021): Are you sure her parents do not have a arranged marriage waiting for their daughter? Tread lightly here as you do not have anywhere near all the info you need to make a choice. Here in the usa some fathers have honor murdered their daughters when they do stuff like date a non muslism.I rember a story about two sisters who where murdered by their father for this exact reason.They were not even out of high school yet.Murdered what a waste.Be careful.I do not know if I would ever let her parents even know ever just to keep her safe.With your age it seems like you are past 26 so being older I am gonna tell you to read and search all about this....especially the honor killings.Be careful.
...............................
A
male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (7 February 2021):
You're in a tight spot. It's admirable that you are willing to convert, but that may not be enough to convince either of your parents. But if you need their approval, it's probably best to come clean sooner rather than later.
...............................
|
