A
male
age
51-59,
*ournedout
writes:I have been married for 15 years. We have 2 kids. My wife has a lot of good qualities. She is a loving mom and generally a nice person. However, she has some very bad traits that have turned me off to the point of not wanting to be around her. She overeats and has gained a lot of weight. She is very messy. She neglects her personal appearance. She talks too loudly. Yes, I have talked to her about all of this. She believes there is nothing wrong and knows that I won't leave her so has no incentive to change. Needless to say, there is no intimacy. I am not physically attracted to her. We saw a marriage counselor. It actually made things worse because it was stressful just trying to make the appointment. My wife is pathologically late. She does not hold a job, by the way. She does not spend much money at all -- which is a blessing, but also means I have absolutely no leverage over her.The point here is this: I am willing to tough it out for another 9 years till the kids are in college. She will very likely not ever work, so I'm resigned to just paying alimony for the rest of my life after that. That's okay. But I want to know whether there are any men who have actually lasted that long with a woman who repels them? I know there are many women who have done this, but is it possible for a man? Am I destined to have an affair?(Yes, we should not have married ... yes it is my fault and I have to live with this, so no need to castigate me).We rarely fight in front of the kids, so I guess you could say that we have a "low conflict marriage." Any suggestions other than "focus on the good things" (yeah -- just ignore her mess, work your ass off in a career you hate, and try to close your eyes and imagine a different woman when you are with her.)
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male
reader, bournedout +, writes (4 May 2010):
bournedout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you *so* much for the responses. If I thought that my wife would be emotionally liberated and happier if we separated, I would do it in a heartbeat. One big concern I have is that she would really be broken up. Not out of "love" for me necessarily, but for the family stigma. Her family is uber-traditional and would no doubt blame her. And I do think my kids suspect something is up, but seem pretty happy and well adjusted. So I am reluctant to upset the apple cart. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I was actually very relieved. My mom was much happier afterwards. But their marriage was ugly towards the end. Also, my wife is very reluctant to discipline the kids, so they tend to be disrespectful to her when I am not around. I am afraid that if I am not in the home anymore it would look like Lord of the Flies.Maybe I am underestimating her and she could cope better than I think. Tearious, I would be lucky if we ended up like your parents. I am just really concerned that it would make things worse in our case.
A
female
reader, Ms. Tearious +, writes (3 May 2010):
Hey there. I know you're hoping primarily for a man's perspective on the matter, but I thought that maybe a younger person's view on the issue of divorce may help you in making a decision. I'm 18 now, but my parents divorced when I was 15. They hadn't been happy for years, but I had only seen such evidence for only the previous year, so since I was 14. Needless to say, it killed me, and I was angry for roughly a year and half about the matter. However, after that first year and a half, my parents' efforts to make it easier on my brother and I, as well as on each other, really began to pay off. They were actually starting to get along and for the next year, issues that they had as a couple began to work themselves out. My parents had also tried couseling, and that clearly never worked for them either - my father had an issue with my mother's laugh, that's how petty their issues could be. Now, three years later, I can honestly say I am happy my parents divorced because the people they are now are people I am proud to call my parents. They still talk and hang out and act as if they are married. I know this may not be the case for everyone, but the main point is who each person is. From a child's perspective, I would rather have two happy separate parents rather than two miserable parents stuck together. It has made me a stronger and well rounded woman. Needless to say, I am also a very happy kid, who loves my parents to death. :)
I hope hearing a child's perspective on the matter of divorce helped you. I could see from your blog that it was a major concern to you about how divorce would effect your children. Good luck with it all, and just know that it will work out one way or another. Everything always does.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 If you feel you've honestly tried your best to save your marriage and nothing worked- then just get a divorce now, not in 9 years.The kids ? Kids are generellay much smarter and more perceptive than we think, and very adept at picking up vibes. Even if you do not argue in front of them ( which is a very good thing ) I'd be surprised if they had not noticed the atmosphere of coldness ,indifference and distaste that permeates your marriage and they won't be too surprised. It's not good for childen to grow around battling,raging parents- but neither it is growing around sad,unhappy parents.
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