A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody my story follows:Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left the relationship because because she did not like my demanding character and she found another man. That was devastating for me and caused me depression that took me 6 months to escape from it. We were having occasionally sex after we had broke up at least for 2 years. However I was afraid to engage with her in another relationship due to my past depression episode. Then our lives were totally separated and had no news from her for more than 13 years. I have only heard that she had been married. I was married too and was living a happy marriage having children which actually elevated more my marriage. Recently about a year ago I started thinking about her without any reason ! Maybe the reason was that I had a period of sex absence due to my wife’s pregnancy. I started to search for my first love in order to communicate again with her. I had no luck because her contact details (address, telephone) were different. Finally, I managed to find her cell phone that was something risky. The very same date that I was given the phone, I called her and we met for coffee and discussion. This meeting (after 13+ years) was a shock for both of us and we stayed more than 3 hours discussing our lives. She has a successful marriage so did I. At the end of this coffee meeting we hugged each other with a very intense and passionate way that identified our feelings for each other remain the same no matter the marriage and the years. The next coffee meeting and discussion and the atmosphere was more intense showing again our feelings. I think I am in love again with her and ask her to have more coffee meetings but she denies this request and she just tells me that those meetings are risky for our marriages. I call her and have a lot of hours discussion over the phone talking about our first sex experience. She just tells me that she may lose control if we meet again so better not to do. She shows me her feelings over the phone discussion and this makes me want her even more. So I think a lot of her every day and trying to call her rarely after 2-3 weeks every time because I do not want to disturb her by my calls. I know that someone will tell me to stop this communication for the shake of both marriages because this is the right thing to do. Because this relationship cannot work again and it is a vain thing. However, my feelings do not follow this right thing to do and my feelings appear to be a very strong force so strong that makes me weak to follow common sense and think clearly. This force of my feelings is something that I cannot deal. This force makes me seek for help. How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Those feelings that appear to have leaved untouched so many years in my brain. It is like a neurological bonding in my brain !!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): I have played several times with the fire in the past and I always ended burned. Nobody can play with fire not having consequences. So why should I repeat this game again if I know where is it going to lead ? You may say that I am self catastrophic or walking a path with no return. You may say that I have not learned enough and deserve to burn. You may say I am foolish just performing this dangerous act. However, there are times in our life that feeling goes beyond any rational logic. There are times in our life that you go against all odds.
So should I sacrifice my marital life for few moments of youth feelings? I think the question is bigger than that. Why do we live ? Why we are here? Just to be educated, service our country, be professionals, get a good job, get married, raise children, grow old and die ? This is a successful life? Related to what ?
I may sound pretty determined about my future plans with my ex. However I am not. I may be the most logical person when doing my job. I am a scientist and rational is part of my job. In life the things are different. You interact with the environment and your chemical synapses may lead you to something unpredictable. It is like taking everything for granted that you have a good family and live well and suddenly an accident rearrange everything that you believed so far. A trivial thing can alter dramatically your life.
So live by your heart and not by your brain? Of course not. You can succeed in everything and the key is you. I can break my marriage and marry my ex. At first thought it seems impossible. Well it is not. Nothing is impossible. We have a power that we do not fully understand. This is the power of will.
There was a time in my life that I had lost everything. This is my job and relation , my friends , my self. It is a bad feeling when you cannot trust your self. It is a bad feeling when you cannot depend in your powers. It is a bad feeling when not functioning as you should to. It is like a 5 year child left in the middle of a riot capable of doing nothing. So when I escaped from this situation and reconsider everything in this life and understood that the pleasures of life are not for granted and you may live intense every second of your life. If you manage to escape from this hell that I was lost inside believe it that even the toughest situation will be like a piece of cake to handle.
So I believe that there is no situation that you cannot handle. Nothing human created is bigger than your own will.
Following your heart may be detrimental for some aspects in your current life. Following your mind and reason will never get you into trouble but you will have lost a part of your humanity a part of your soul which in some point of your life, probably growing old you will be asking yourself “why I did not do it”
A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I still think you are playing with fire my friend, but it is certainly your life to do with as you will. So, if you get burned, just remember this lady, many, many, miles away warned you. I know because I have been down this road. I have stepped into the time machine with my first love (30 years after we broke up) and relieved my youth. What a feeling! Who wouldn't want to be 18 again! Things can quickly spiral out of control. You know that saying, "This is bigger than both of us?" So true. Your meetings today may feel the way they did when you were a teenager, but there is one big difference. Today there is so much more to lose if things go wrong.The fact that you cannot tell your wife because she would be jealous is a big red flag. If you trust your wife to see her ex-boyfriend, why don't you think she will trust you? Or is it that you don't trust yourself? I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here. I know you feel in control. Rationally you have decided that your relationship with your first love will not cross any boundaries, but there is a difference between what is understood by the head and what is felt by the heart.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Well, let me go a little bit further:
My wife does not know that I am meeting for coffee my ex. However, I know exactly how my wife will feel when she finds out because I have caught my wife having coffee with her ex boyfriend ! It was not big deal she just went for a couple of times for a coffee and had a discussion with her ex boyfriend who is married with children. I have told her that she could continue to see him friendly because I do not have any problem and I trust her. I trust my wife because if she tried to do something with her ex then she will leave our marriage and will not have an extra marital affair.
However, if I tell my wife that I am having coffee with my ex she is going to be so jealous and we will have a fight for no reason. I am not having coffee with my ex in order to retaliate my wife but because I just like having a simple conversation with my ex, that is all.
Yes I have romantic feelings for my ex and this is why I first wrote here in order to understand why I still have those feelings. However, I do not intent to break two marriages for my romantic feelings. For good or bad I and my ex have followed different roads in our lives and this will remain as it is. Nevertheless, my ex is considered to be a part of my life and keeping contact with her should not be understood the wrong way. I like remembering a part of my life that was forgotten and I will not try to have an affair in order to leave just few moments of pleasure and running two marriages.
I guess that neither my wife nor my ex’s husband will understand my intentions of having an innocent conversation with my ex. Everybody will think that I am looking for the affair. Because in this world the relationship between man and woman is always considered to be a sexual which is not always the case.
Let me refine it a little bit. Having a conversation with my ex, even a phone call and discussing our teenage and those years makes me feel nice and does not drives me for any affair. It is like two elderly talking for their youth and remembering some good times of their lives. Yes I know nobody will understand because always people are thinking evil and never good.
Well I know you are going to say that we might lose control and end up in an affair. I guess we will never lose control if we do not want to.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (29 January 2011):
It is good to hear you say that you have decided not to have an affair with your first love, and that she says she does not want one with you. So, I guess you have decided to have a friendship with her? However, you still have romantic feelings for her. It sounds as if she has those feelings for you. You have had a sexual relationship with her in the past. She has cheated on her fiancee with you before she married him.
You are obviously physically drawn to each other. Do you plan to keep meeting with her? The temptation to cross the line and enter into an extramarital affair is great. It's even easier to do with someone you did it with in the past and someone you knew so well. She is not a stranger. It will be possible to take up right where you left off - instant intimacy. No awkwardness. Also, it's very difficult to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for.
Let me ask you a question. Does your wife know you are seeing your old girlfriend, or are you keeping it a secret from her? If you have to keep this a secret from your wife, it is something you shouldn't be doing as a married man.
It cannot go on indefinitely. Either her husband or your wife will find out about it and be very hurt and/or angry. The happiness you feel in your soul when you are with your first, true, love will eventually turn to heartache when, for whatever reason, you are not able to see her anymore.
I am just trying to tell you what the future holds if you continue to meet your first love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): Just to continue my story TEM:As I wrote after my ex left our relationship she met her present husband. She was involved having a complete relationship with him. However, she just wanted to have also sexual relationship with me for 2 years after she left our relationship. Cheating her future husband with her first love ! I know that it is awkward situation that she finally decided to marry the other man probably I was gone in this kind of situation because I did not like my ex having sex relationship with me and her future husband. So from this point we followed a different path and having successful marriages. I recall that she called me just few months before she was married but I did not give her the chance to speak to me because I did not want to have any conversation with her anymore.In case that people do not change drastically as you claim and because history repeats my ex could cheat her husband with me. She did that in the past she can do that in the present. However, I have not chosen to engage to such a dangerous act. Also, it seems that my ex do not want also to engage in an extra marital affair. At this point it seems that both of us have chosen to stay with our marriage. At this point I have understood what is going on with my feelings. I understand the situation, I understand the potential danger, I am starting to understand how my brain reacts when dealing with my first love. So I do aware of the situation I can also predict the disastrous outcome of engaging in an affair. By choosing to see my ex as an old friend and spending some time just talking with her, gives me this feeling of euphoria this feeling of happiness that sometime I had experienced the ultimate goal that a person wants from his life……..This is true love that was deeply remained in my soul. No matter how successful a person might be, no matter how rich a person might be , no matter how famous a person might be the elevation of my soul that this experience gave me when I was with my first love is true happiness.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (28 January 2011):
Well, let me tell you a little bit more about what I know about first love reconnections -
Unless the relationship was broken up by outside forces, the reconnection is doomed. By outside forces I mean that your parents made you separate for some reason, or your family moved you away. Things like that.
People say we change as we grow older, and we do, but not in the basics of life. Not so much in our emotional reactions to things. This woman left you because she thought there was better out there. History repeats itself. She will leave your relationship again, and for the same reasons. She will come to the conclusion that her marriage is the better choice. She has said she is happily married. That will not change. There is no future in this. There is only heartache.
Look for ways to rekindle the romance in your marriage. Right now you are escaping from the drudgery of everyday life by meeting with this woman. That's not fair to your wife. You need to cut all ties with your first love and plan dates with your wife. Use the time and energy you pour into meeting this woman to spend some quality time with your wife. She deserves this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): TEM, this was awful !!!!! For the first time I read an answer that truly depicts my condition. For the first time I feel that someone has understood my situation. For the first time I understand this condition that I am involved.
Thank you so much TEM for this great analysis. This is what exactly I was looking for. This is the explanation of my brain’s chemistry. This is the explanation I feel this way for my ex.
I am so impressed and satisfied that someone actually read my mind and understood this situation. This is more than amazing. At last I know how those emotion thoughts are working and what is the powerful drive that sustains them. This is unbelievable !
So let’s go little bit further on my thoughts:
TEM you are telling me that there was a reason it didn't work out with this woman the first time. This reason as it was explained by my ex was my character. My character at my past relationship was so protective and jealous that I was very demanding about my ex’s life, friendshipts etc. My explanation for our separation was that my ex tried another man (because I was her first love) and she liked that man better than me in all aspects (sex, character, career etc). So I believe she found someone better than me. However, I do not understand how is it possible to break your first love affair because you found a more attractive partner. May be the truth is between my and hers explanation. However, this is all past and should remain past.
Sometimes I think that I was unlucky to meet me ex in her very youth years and we faced a situation of true love that we could not handle right because of our age. If I had met her at a different age I might have ended married with her. Sometimes I even extend my vivid imagination and I am telling to myself that if there is another life I will search for me ex and this time I will handle the situation. Yes I know I am a dreamer but I guess dreams alleviate the inner secret pain that I feel sometimes.
So back to the present now and the right choice is to not contact her in order that my withdrawal symptoms cease to exist and feel good and free for this addiction. Unfortunately, our brain in those situations is weak or I should say primitive. This weakness, this inappropriate release of chemical substances holds us slaves makings us to appear bad husbands or wives and bad selfish persons for this society that have the tendency of self-destruction following a dangerous course that everything we take for granted one day may cease to exist JUST to produce and experience an insignificant amount of chemical substance which brings us euphoria and is also known as love……..
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (27 January 2011):
The answer is as you knew it would be and Kilcardy confirmed. You know you can't do this and you understand exactly why. I am going to try to explain to you why your feelings are so strong. I think this is something you do don't fully understand, and something I know a little about. Unfortunately, sometimes you can talk to people who are caught up in these things until you are blue in the face, and they will never heed your advice, but here goes...
You are dealing with a first love reconnection. Your reconnection with this woman unearthed strong feelings that were buried. We are imprinted, in a sense, by our first love. The physical pull towards her is so great because you have awakened sensory memories from your youth. Unfortunately, you have already done this just by meeting her and "hugging her in a very intense and passionate way." I'm afraid you are already obsessing about her because you think about her a lot and have to resist the urge to call her.
I am familiar with a lot of these kinds of stories. Yours is actually quite typical. There are also statistics. Only 5% of married people leave their marriages to be with a first love. The rest make a big mess, and sometimes end up sad and alone. Look at the research of Dr. Nancy Kalish. She has devoted her life's work to researching this problem which is very much on the rise, due to the advances in today's technology.
I can tell you, from what I have observed, the way it typically goes. The one that is most unhappily married makes contact. Sometimes they know exactly what they are doing, and sometimes they believe they are just initiating an innocent "catch-up" conversation. Friendly emails turn flirty. An emotional affair ensues (you are already in one), followed by an extra marital affair. Eventually someone gets caught and everything comes crashing down.
You will actually get addicted the feelings you have when you are with her because the experience causes your brain to release chemicals that are a lot like being high on drugs. When you are not with her you will feel awful (withdrawal). You'll need a fix to feel better. You will need to see her, text her, call her or email her, to relieve your withdrawal symptoms.
The longer you let this go on, the worse it will get for you. People here are trying to snap you out of it. There was a reason it didn't work out with this woman the first time. Try to think about that. Also think about winding up all alone. No wife, no children, no ex-lover. She'll stay in her marriage. You'll be all alone and your wife and children will never forgive you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Your past love has the right idea. You have enjoyed meeting up on this casual basis but it can not go any further. No one forgets there first love, but it is often based on nostagia for a time when you were young and things were different. You both have partners and committed lives. So unless that is to be broken up, you are looking at an affair. That would be so dangerous and probably bring heartache. So stop where you are. If you must - meet up every now and again for coffee as old friends, but it you cannot do that, it is best not too see each other. I suspect that if you appear to be getting too involved your ex will stay you mustn't see each other anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): First of all I would like to thank the readers of my story for their attention and advice. Kilcardy is the voice of reason and the right path that I should follow. Kilcardy again is identifying correctly that the sole cause of my current crisis is myself alone. I admit it, I seem to cause those events and actions. On the other hand, those feelings that I believe I might have can be characterized as unique in my entire life span. Difficult to explain in simple words the motive that makes me cause this situation. Yes again this path is catastrophic if we want to be realistic. I emphasize this power of neurons that make you choose to do the illogical the irrational the catastrophic and selfish course that it seems to be more important than anything in this life. Now, what happens in my home and my marriage. Everything is fine but sex. After the pregnancy we do not have the same kind of sex life because my wife is so tired raising our children so she has no courage or will to engage in a regular basis into sex. I understand her completely and I believe that this stage will pass and we will continue our sexual habits as we used to have. So my marriage is ok and the absence of sex is justified as a temporary barrier that we will surpass. My career is progressing fine and my social life is very good too. I am not complaining for anything. I am grateful to have such a wonderful family and also a good career. I just stressing this unnatural drive to get involved with my ex. Seems weird but powerful enough to alter my judgement of good or bad. No explanation about this emptiness that I feel some times. No explanation but I guess human nature that want it all.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (27 January 2011):
I'm not going to beat around the bush with you. It is breathtaking to me to see how foolish and selfish some people can be. All I hear from this post is "me, me, me". You say nothing of your wife who has committed her life to you, given you children, and by your own admission made your life a happy one. It's all about you and to hell with everyone else. Ok, let's summarize your post and see where we go with this: you are a happily married man with children who all of a sudden has a patch of boredom (during a time when your wife was busy carrying your babies inside of her, but I digress) and decides to actively look up and then pursue an old flame and you are now confused by your "feelings". Dude, you need to get a vise grip on yourself or you are going to end up a broken man.
You want to take a flamethrower to your successful marriage because of some "feeling" for someone who has been out of your life for over 13 years? And, these "feelings" you have were conjured up by you actively seeking out someone from your long gone past. I have a news flash for you: You are not in love with this other person. If you think you are, then you have no clue as to what real love is. Look to your wife for an example of real love in action.
And what do you think gives you the right to interfere in another man's marriage? You do not have that right. STOP talking to this other woman. At least she has enough sense to realize that continued contact between the two of you is not right and is a threat to both your marriages. She doesn't want to see you. She's happily married. She loves her husband, not you. She doesn't want to ruin her marriage. Can't you see how destructive going down this path will be?
The sole cause of your current crisis is YOU. Cease contact with your married ex and honor the commitment you made to your wife. The more distance you create with this other person, the sooner these "feelings" you are experiencing will evaporate. Otherwise, you are in for a world of hurt.
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A
male
reader, HelpyMcHelperson  +, writes (27 January 2011):
How are things at home? You say you are happy but can you elaborate?As for your feelings it might not be "love" but nostalgia, you had something many years ago and it was good back then, and thinking back to that time, especially when you are in contact could be the reason you still have feelings for her.Failing that you said it yourself, if you cotninue meeting with her you could end up doing stupid. You have a happy marriage, you have children, don't throw that all away, especially not for what could ammount to nothing.
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