A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm stuck in a horrible horrible place. I am on the verge of tears -- again, just having to right this out. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months TODAY! Should be exciting.. but it's not, because we've been in a not so good place for a couple months now.It's the ulimate game of 'he said, she said' we fight, we point fingers, we kiss, we make-up. Nothings ever solved, we just go on until the next fight is resurfaced.I am controlling, I'll admit it. I like to know where he's at, who's he with, and what he's doing. I like for him to come to me, before and after he makes a desicion. But, to me -- he is selfish and immature, and I know this is true it's not just a figmant of my imagination. Sometimes I think he is care-less, I don't think he means to be, he just acts on today and doesn't think about tomorrow, which causes a lot of problems between us.We are two egos constantly bumping heads. But I love him and I hurt so bad right now.. because I know I need to change, and I don't know how. *Sigh* I'm going to cry again.We've on the tip of an iceberg, we're just waiting to fall off of it. We come to the verge of breaking up so many times, but I know neither of us wants it to happen so we keep trying to salvage the broken pieces.In my mind, I want it to work but I don't know if it's going to and I'm scared to be without him. I've been to busy being in love, that I have nobody. My best friend is 4 months pregnant -- she's busy doing her own thing, she doesn't have time for my problems.*Sigh* I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so stuck and I can't move. I'm heart broken, I'm sad, I'm angry. How do you fix a broken relationship? How do you make-up after a fight, if you both think the other ones wrong and your always right?
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female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (27 August 2010):
I agree with OhGetReal that at least part of this is your age. He's immature and selfish? He's young. And lots of people are like that and it takes time to mature in dealing with relationships. It takes a fair amount of screwing up before you figure out something might be wrong with yourself and relationships.
But aside from age, I believe that being in a long-term relationship is about learning how to fight right. If you don't, it'll be the same fights over and over again with nothing improving and resentment and frustration building.
So I can only give you some tips on how to fight. (I really do understand how you feel since me and my bf fight a fair bit and are both stubborn. And I'm controlling too. And we both have our issues but both sometimes feel like the other person is in the wrong).
So tips:
- When you're angry, take some time. You don't have to go into it right away, take some time to breathe, think about yourself and him, and then come back. The less things said in anger, the better.
- People respond better to emotions like sadness rather than accusations made in annoyance or anger. So try to express your feelings about things and how they make you feel, and not have it come out as accusing and angry.
- At the end of the fight/discussion, come up with some main points of what you got out of it. What is really the problem? What do each of you have to work on to make it better? Should you check in to see how progress is coming along?
- Have fun. It might sound stupid and hard to do since the relationship isn't in a good place right now. But I've found that how good you find your relationship to be is how much fun memories you can think of. So if you're not having fun recently, then you both will feel dissatisfied. So plan something different, exciting, silly, and go out there and enjoy it. Make some good memories together and it'll make you both feel good.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
A
female
reader, BeSimplyTrue  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 What I've read in your message is two different thoughts: "I know I need to change, and I don't know how" and "How do you make-up after a fight, if you both think the other ones wrong and your always right?"
From that, it sounds like you BOTH need to change, not just you. (Which is often the case, that both people need to change a bit.)
Something that really helps me when I'm angry at my boyfriend and think he's totally wrong is to put myself in his shoes. Sit quietly and imagine I'm him. Call to mind the things I remember about his past before I met him--what a quiet little boy he was, how he was full of worry in middle school, how he loves playing video games and wandering around in the woods. Try to BE him in my mind. Then I replay the argument in my mind as if I'm him and I'm saying the things he actually said to me. Imagine the emotions resonating inside of him as he said them.
It's a really helpful exercise. You may need a few tries at it, especially if you find yourself distracted by the newness of it. You may also slip back into your side of the conversation and arguing your arguments. If and when that happens, just take a moment and take a breath and get yourself back in his shoes.
This exercise really helps me feel more compassionate toward him, even if I think that he's still wrong, or unreasonable, or overly demanding. Sometimes I see that from his point of view, *I* look wrong, unreasonable, or overly demanding! And then I look at it again from my point of view and see that I really was overreacting or whatever, and then I can find it in my heart to apologize.
That's another thing that may help you: put a different name to it instead of "he's wrong, I'm right". Try to make it more neutral. Saying that he's "immature" is a good one, "selfish" is too negative. Try "self-centered" or "self-preoccupied" because they're kinda the same thing but not so insulting in their connotation, you know? The way you phrase things in your own head has a power to it.
You know, you guys may be at really different places right now, or have kinda opposite personality types (it kinda sounds like one of those)...OR it may be that the two of you have communication skills that might need some improvement. I suggest you look up some articles online or books at the library to read up on how to communicate kindly and honestly with your partner. If you really want to keep this relationship, it's worth the investment in reading for an hour or so. Don't hand him a pile of books yet or send him articles. Work on you first and try to put your new communication skills into action.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (27 August 2010):
 What would be the worst thing that could happen if you did break up and stop all this fighting? Perhaps this is not a healthy relationship for you and the only thing you need to change about it, is to be free.
At your age, you shouldn't be so tied up and serious about this one boyfriend. You sound like an old married woman of 35 instead of a young girl living her own life, pursuing her own goals and not hitching her wagon to some young guy who can't give her what she wants because he simply isn't capable of that at his age. No wonder he's frustrated and fighting with you all of the time, you're not controlling, your expectations are out of line.
He's a boy, not a man.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Accept that once in a while everyone is wrong. EVERYONE is wrong. Thomas Edison was wrong about the light bulb 1000 times before he was right. Logic and Reason often conflict with the heart. You can't hate someone for being wrong and you can't love someone for being right either. The answer is to find some sort of middle ground.You also have to work not on making up after a fight but avoiding a fight in the first place. Why get aggravated when you think he's wrong? Do you THINK he's wrong or do you KNOW he's wrong? He should be asked the same thing. I know in relationships, egos get in the way and it doesn't matter what type of relationship it is. I've always started arguments with my older sister because neither of us wants to admit that the other might be right but we get past it because in the end those sort of problems don't really matter, we're family, we cannot stay angry just because we have different views. You have to see it from each other's perspective. This applies for ALL types of relationships, not just family.You have to try and see his side of it and he has to try to see yours. Even if you can't, you shouldn't be starting arguments over whose right and whose wrong. Find a calmer way of settling things.I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): I have been in the same situation you're in. Sometimes I'm still in that situation...haha:) Almost exactly. The only difference is I'm a little older and my relationship is about 1 year and a half old. But still, things have been rough for months, on and off. There are things that can help, however(at least it does for me)It's still difficult, but I find the thing that works best for my boyfriend and I is to talk about it. I know everyone says that, but it's true. Instead of jumping to "kiss and make up", make sure that both of you get out your part of the story. What made you upset in the first place? Why do you feel this way? What can be done differently next time if this problem should come up again? Both of you need to express whatever it is that made you upset but in a calm and mature way. By calm and mature I mean listening, waiting for the other person to finish saying what they have to say(even if it takes FOREVER haha)and honestly putting yourself in the other person's shoes. These talks can be tricky. Often times, I end up arguing again(I get very defensive and can't accept I'm wrong)Just try to keep the situation under control. Try your best to understand where the other person is coming from and try your best not to say anything hurtful or out of anger. If you need to, explain that you need to cool off for a couple minutes before the talk. And even if you feel fine after the "cool off" you still need to talk. Otherwise, it will get bottled up and it will come up again at a different time and cause something worse. And you'll find that most arguments and fights stem from huge misunderstandings and aren't things that you should be fighting about at all. Remember that pride is still going to be hard to swollow, even with this method. You'll still have to work on that. This doesn't always mean you'll be right(I know how it is!)Sometimes you'll have to step down, just admit defeat and move on. That can be the hardest part. I get it. Trust me, I know what it's like to be in the situation you're in. It sucks! I feel like a monster sometimes. But there ARE things you can do to help yourself. Hang in there:) Hope this helped a little. Good luck!
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