A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner doesn't know how to sincerely apologise. He can do something wrong but he will never say sorry, let alone mean it. He will most likely get angry with me and find something to blame me for and turn it all around.My question is, how do I teach him humility and self reflection/evaluation? How do you teach someone that saying sorry isn't surrendering or being weak, but simply feeling and being genuinely sorry? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I sometimes wait to say things. In this case I’m glad I did. Your follow ups give much more information.
My husband RARELY says what he should (I love you or I’m sorry). I KNOW that he is sorry. He was raised in a totally dysfunctional home and rarely discusses feelings and is very difficult to communicate with. I knew this going in. I accept it. A few weeks ago we had an incident where his behavior was totally unacceptable. The next day in speaking to him, I said to him “TWO WORDS need to come out of your mouth.” And he said without fail “I’m sorry”
So he KNOWS what to say. He actually FELT it, but he does not say it. This is different from your guy betraying a trust that you specifically told him NOT to share, and then WHEN he betrayed your trust, discounting your feelings and TELLING YOU HOW TO FEEL.
The problem, as I see it is NOT that he does not know how to apologize, or how to FEEL sorry. THE PROBLEM is in his POV, you were not OWED an apology, nor should you be FEELING the way you feel. He’s trying to tell you how to think and feel.
I am sure if you two were dancing and he accidently hit you in the face, he would feel sorry and he would apologize. So I do not think he does not know how to say “I’m sorry” The problem is he does not THINK he did anything wrong. He does not SEE he did anything that deserves an apology and the fact that your feelings are so minimal to him that he says they WRONG and you should not have them should be a big concern for you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 OP, I think you got the comments in the wrong way. I think what most people here is tryng to say,it's not that your bf is bad seed and he's beyond redemption. Simply, that for teaching stuff to people, they have to WANT to learn. What if they don't want, don't care, don't think it's necessary ?
I mean, you could try and teach me , say, horseback riding all you want, and I am technically able to learn, but I don't want to, I am not interested,I don't need to ride horses , I don't find it useful or beneficial for my life, etc.
You blame his tough upbringing for his bad manners and his bad attitude, and you are most probably right, but you forget that , growing up, people can also introject what they have been taught, make it own. CHOOSE it.
I have been taught many things and ideas and habits by my family, growing up I have discarded or modified some, by my own choice,- never because someone else asked me too, but many others I have embraced them and retained them . I don't care if other families do differently or even do BETTER, this is the way I have grown with and APPROVE of.
What if he sees perfectly where you are coming from ( it would be difficult for him not to see it ) and still CHOOSES to not let him bother him ? What if he is perfectly fine with not apologizing and see this need for apologies as your problem ( it sounds so, apparently ) ? Which YOU have to work on ?..
You can lead the horse to the water but you can't make it drink...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): OP be careful here and choose your battles wisely. From your post it very much seems like you're banging your head against a wall here.
The incident with you telling him in confidence something which he then told others then that's not about teaching him the meaning of sorry OP, that's about him stepping over the line and breaking your trust.
The issue here isn't about sorry OP, you seem to have missed the bigger issue with that which is trust. Teaching him to say sorry and mean it isn't going to fix this situation either. He betrayed you OP and he won't even take responsibility for that, that's huge by the way.
Something that is very important to you he is dismissing off hand and saying he basically doesn't care, "stop making a big deal out of it because it's not".
Well you know what OP, that demands a pretty strong reaction. I don't mean fly off the handle. But you need to make it clear that he cannot do that. Forget about an apology OP, you need to make him understand that he has crossed a major boundary of trust and he has to prove that you can still trust him or frankly you just won't be able to tell him important stuff anymore. If you can't trust him to respect what you deem important regardless of how he feels about the thing and if you can't trust him to keep his mouth shut when you need him to then I don't care how great your relationship is on any level that's going to become a deal breaking problem.
OP first off you need to understand what this is really about, not sorry, not apologizing but about trust and breaking that trust again. If you can't get him to understand what that means then shit, you really have no future with this guy and I think you know it.
Living with a stubborn person who can't admit fault is one thing, that's fine as long as they understand and respect your feelings. He's not and that's major OP.
You need to sit him down and make it very clear that he has betrayed your trust, you will not tolerate it and for now he's shown you cannot trust him and he doesn't care. An apology won't cut it here OP. What's a relationship without trust? What's a relationship where he shows such a blatant disregard for your feelings or what's important to you?
This is going to take a very serious conversation OP, you have to be strong on this issue and what it means and if he keeps trying to dismiss this, won't take responsibility then you cannot trust the guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response, appreciate it. Is there any way your mum could go about it differently that you have noticed in any way so I could try a different angle with him (as in, say something different that might help him understand where I'm coming from better).The comment is still here by the way, sixth from the bottom.I have tried to lead by example so far by being able to apologise sincerely in the middle of a fight (I.e. I might call him a name but will catch myself and say "I'm sorry I just called you that, I didn't mean to, I was just angry and in the moment, sorry") but I don't know how to bring it to the surface.The specific incident that pushed me to write a question for the site was he told his mother something about my family that I specifically asked him not to tell his family and when it came to a point in conversation, instead of apologising, he said it didn't matter that he told her and that even though it did matter to me, it shouldn't. Minimised my feelings and turned it around that I have done something wrong in the way I feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS special thanks to Caring Aunty A for giving me a different way to look at his attitude. Much appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd what if you've all just insulted him and immediately categorised me at the girlfriend who just wants to change him. Have any of you ever been in a mature relationship before where you don't just have sex and buy a house together but help each other grow and mature as a person?My partner and I are nearing 19 so we are very young and yes, we're adults now, but we are still fine tuning the kind of people we want to be and helping each other become the best we can, not only by nurturing and caring but by being honest and saying "this feature of you doesn't come off well, how can we change it?" I understand telling someone that they are bad at apologising (someone who has a temper, like myself) can be walking on thin ice if done wrongly so I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to go about having that conversation with someone. Unfortunately all I have recieved is readers telling me to give up on him and, frankly, I would be INCREDIBLY hurt if someone were to give up on every aspect of being with me purely because I didn't say sorry enough.I am not insulting his intelligence. I'm not saying he doesn't understand the dictionary meaning of sorry. He was raised in a very 'tough' household and feelings aren't an open book for him so I think he struggles with saying sorry because he sees it as a weakness. Saying sorry with siblings like his is like saying 'I give you permission to tease me for the next week'I have already stated I understand that I'm not wanting to teach him how to BE sorry but to say it when he is.And finally, for the anonymous aunt who has given me a paragraph on how much of a 'dumb ass' my partner is, that was just a bundle of insults and not an answer at all. If you wanted to get through to your audience and people you want to advise, I would suggest avoiding insulting them and the people they care about so much because it makes people block you off and disregard your opinion as judgmental and rude.I really do appreciate the time and effort you have all taken to help me and answer this question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd what if you've all just insulted him and immediately categorised me at the girlfriend who just wants to change him. Have any of you ever been in a mature relationship before where you don't just have sex and buy a house together but help each other grow and mature as a person?
My partner and I are nearing 19 so we are very young and yes, we're adults now, but we are still fine tuning the kind of people we want to be and helping each other become the best we can, not only by nurturing and caring but by being honest and saying "this feature of you doesn't come off well, how can we change it?"
I understand telling someone that they are bad at apologising (someone who has a temper, like myself) can be walking on thin ice if done wrongly so I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to go about having that conversation with someone. Unfortunately all I have recieved is readers telling me to give up on him and, frankly, I would be INCREDIBLY hurt if someone were to give up on every aspect of being with me purely because I didn't say sorry enough.
I am not insulting his intelligence. I'm not saying he doesn't understand the dictionary meaning of sorry. He was raised in a very 'tough' household and feelings aren't an open book for him so I think he struggles with saying sorry because he sees it as a weakness. Saying sorry with siblings like his is like saying 'I give you permission to tease me for the next week'
I have already stated I understand that I'm not wanting to teach him how to BE sorry but to say it when he is.
And finally, for the anonymous aunt who has given me a paragraph on how much of a 'dumb ass' my partner is, that was just a bundle of insults and not an answer at all. If you wanted to get through to your audience and people you want to advise, I would suggest avoiding insulting them and the people they care about so much because it makes people block you off and disregard your opinion as judgmental and rude.
I really do appreciate the time and effort you have all taken to help me and answer this question.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (22 May 2013):
 You could help him ‘understand’ that apologising is by way of him solely accounting for ‘his’ behaviour in an argument for example. It’s about how he could have acted wiser, used better judgement and or refrained from exploding into a raging bull upon the person he is meant to protect and cherish. Naturally if he’s conscious, not proud of his behaviour then there is that potential to grow… He will in time ‘understand’ that it’s not about admitting defeat or losing face to you, others or him; it’s about wanting to be a wiser better loving man etc. Surely a man with a resistance to (verbally) apologise would wish to endeavour that much at least? [If he by way sees there is nothing wrong with any of his behaviour; then he has some ‘serious’ issues.]With patience I waited for my partner to ‘understand’ this thought pattern as I explained; it’s has nothing to do with blaming me or anyone else, you own your mistakes, it’s about how he chooses to react and behave to which he has to account for, just as I have to account for my re/actions. The result for me is what works for me as I do not require the word – ‘sorry’ or an apology as much as I did in the beginning, but more the actions that speak these difficult words for him. For me; I know when he’s sorry, I get a great week-end worth of gardening done for me :) but more importantly he understands, I forgive him and we both learn a myriad of lessons…Take Care – CAA
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): my bf and me are together since 1 year. in begining, he never appoligized. he hurt me lots of time but never said sorry. every time when he did something wrong, i used to say "u hurt me and u dont even say sorry". and then after being together for 4 months, he learned to say sorry. now everytime when he hurts me, he appologizes immediately :) and tries never to repeat that mistake again
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reader, Serpico +, writes (22 May 2013):
Im going to save you a lot of trouble going forward in your relationships -
Repeat after me - "No one can intrinsically change anyone."
When you are with someone and you find yourself wishing they would act another way, please repeat the above sentence again.
He is who he is, and he has his own value system and way of dealing with things. It sounds like its incompatible with yours regarding this issue. Either accept it or move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): OP you can't teach a person this kind of thing.
You say he's a good man, well is he intelligent too? Or is he developmentally challenged to such a degree that he cannot understand what an apology actually is? Or what it means?
Basically is your guy that stupid that you really need to teach him a very fundamental part of everyone's development, the meaning of sorry?
Frankly OP I think you're insulting his intelligence to think he can't comprehend what sorry means, I know for a fact he knows exactly what it means, what it's used for but just doesn't want to ever need to say it. And guess what? He doesn't need to say it, because you don't require that he does.
He will never ever say sorry and mean it because he will never view himself being wrong as something to apologise for. There's nothing wrong with that either though OP, some people are stubborn in that way. Sure he'll say sorry if he feels he has to, but even if you give him some patronizing shite about it not being a defeat (he's not a child OP, he knows what sorry is) then he'll do it to placate you and as a platitude nothing more.
He is who he is, either accept him for who he is or move on. You should never be with a person you think is broken and you want to change. he deserves a person who will accept him for who he is and not try to mother him.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2013):
 Can you say those words to him? "Apologizing isn't admitting defeat. It is merely an acknowledgement that you were wrong and then you move forward."
That does not seem to be a difficult concept to grasp.
If he's willing to work on the relationship, why would this be a sticking point for him?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 May 2013):
You realize that teaching him to say " sorry " does not mean also teaching him to FEEL sorry .
So what's the point in teaching him that saying sorry does not mean defeat, only means that you see you did wrong- if in his heart he does NOT see he did wrong, or, worse , if he sees he did wrong and does not give a flying f..k anyway ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEvery person comes with a set of issues. We all have baggage and he has many good points. I could list all his good and bad features but honestly everyone has faults.
I would say that he is quite selfish at times and has a lack of empathy. He is a hard worker, though, and in recent times has put 110% in to make me happy with what our relationship is lacking so I know there is potential to grow.
I understand he has to be sorry himself, I can't teach him how to be sorry but I mean to ask how I can help him understand that apologising isn't admitting defeat up admitting where you were wrong and move forward.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (22 May 2013):
Extract used: Type 2 men think they are inerrable and above mistakes. According to him, he is always correct (blames others). These men don’t admit their mistakes to their partner or to themselves. His dignity prevents him from apologising to anyone especially to women! Author opinion; he needs counselling and professional assistance. This type 2 man will find himself ‘alone’ eventually.For me this is not the easiest type to teach anything, let alone apologise, say sorry and mean it! In my experience I don’t expect the ‘sorry’ word all the time, but I do expect and accept their actions to say that they are sorry …Sorry I broke your favourite cup, I’ll buy you another; is not what I’m talking about. As I explained it to my partner; who does buy me flowers and you name it etc when he’s sorry, it would have been cheaper to say your sorry? :) However I do appreciate his gesture, and accept knowing how difficult it is for him to say the magic word. Bottom line is; he chooses to be happy than being right ‘all the time’.But if he, your boyfriend gets angry, blames you and does nothing to redeem himself with an action; that’s just adding insult to injury! Evidently his pride and saving face from embarrassment override and stop him from seeking harmony. He needs to right – not happy!?Take Care – CAA
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2013):
I go back to letting him know how his inability to acknowledge fault affects you, and what the consequences of that will be.
If you can't talk to him calmly about this without him growing angry…
Tell me what is so wonderful about him?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2013):
What do you think might be reasons people choose not to apologize?
Off the top of my head, I get:
Stubborn
Controlling
Guilty but does not like to admit fault
Fear of showing weakness
Indifference to others' pain
Selfishness
Delusions of grandeur
Abusive nature
Lack of empathy
You know your partner. We do not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do understand it's something that SHOULD have been learned or taken notice of at a younger age, but it's not and we can't change that.
I learned the true meaning of forgiveness at a late age so why can't he learn to be apologetic?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Honey I hate to upset you but what you see is what you get. How in the hell did you think you were going to be change this man. You cant teach a old dog new tricks. Sorry for the bad cliché. He has had this trait for a long time. Your only alternative is to give him back the same and walk out of this relationship. Don't try to play Mrs. Dr. Phil. It will never work. This is more than a sorry for my shit face attitude. It is about love and respect for your fellow partner. This dumb ass has failed in all categories. No love, No Trust, No more relationship. Realize that and get the hell out of there. There are lots of men who would cherish, love and respect you. Throw this Neanderthal back into the cave he crawled out of. It is the 21st century and this idiot has no place here. Understand stand that loudly and clearly from me. Get out now. Not tomorrow night , But now. Don't waste your love and affection on this dumb ass. Enough is enough. You deserve, love , affection and respect. I know at least 10 men that would be more than happy to give you what you want and need. Move on, please..
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2013):
I have to go with Sageolddude's answer. That was his parents job. They should have started back when he was very little. Or perhaps they did teach it to him, he just decided to ignore the life lesson.
Either way, at this point, you can't teach him that, especially if he doesn't want to learn it.
I'd let this one go too, if his response to being in the wrong is to get angry and find a way to blame you for it, you're going to have a very unhappy life with him.
As you leave him, you might tell him exactly why, show him the question you submitted and our answers. He might get it, but again, this is something that he should have learned back when he was a child.
Sorry he's decided he's going to go through life always being right.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 May 2013):
 You ask two questions... and I have two counter-questions. To wit:
My question is, how do I teach him humility and self reflection/evaluation? For the most part, you don't. THAT was his parents' job....
How do you teach someone that saying sorry isn't surrendering or being weak, but simply feeling and being genuinely sorry? You don't. He should have had this impressed in to him long ago. NOW, it's a little late for such a major reconstruction project....
The "REAL" "answer":.... Dump this one, and find a B/F who is a LOT more empathetic and sensitive.....
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): If it's not generated from within you don't want it
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 May 2013):
You can't teach someone this. They're supposed to learn it themselves. Even if he did 'learn' it, he wouldn't mean it.
It's a bit worrying that you're trying to teach someone who perhaps doesn't treat you that well how to say 'sorry'. If he can't do it himself, then he has problems. Perhaps instead you should be thinking about whether you want to be with someone like that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): By offering them the firm and final ultimatum of either treating you with love and respect; or you will leave them.
Request an apology. You're not his mother or father. You don't have to teach him anything.
If he doesn't offer a heart-felt apology, leave him.
Then go find someone who already knows how to apologize, when necessary, and will do few things to have a reason to.
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