A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in an awful situation right now.I had an affair with a married man. I am married myself. We both have children. It started out as harmless flirting but our feelings of attraction grew and we ended up crossing the line.We have the same group of friends and we see each other everyday in our work environment. Our friends have found out about us and our affair is now out in the open. I am not sure how they found out. We were trying to keep it a secret. But now I am feeling judged by everyone and feel I am being left out of the friend circle now. I don't understand why he is still being accepted but I am not. Everyone seems to blame me for it. I am feeling ashamed and guilty. It was my decision to finally end it because it was becoming too hard on me emotionally, knowing it will never go anywhere and I was falling in love with him. But dealing with the aftermath amongst all of these people who are judging me has been really painful. I feel like I am wearing the scarlet letter on my chest and he is not being held to the same standards that I am.How do I hold my head up high again and deal with this mess? I thought these people were my friends. But would they be judging me if they were? Would they be hanging me out to dry because I made a mistake? My husband is abusive towards me and he is never around. I know I was trying to escape the marriage by having an affair and this was wrong. But I am having a hard time recovering from the aftermath. I feel shunned and looked down on. I am not sure if or how I can regain my self respect and dignity in their presence? I see these people everyday and they are making my life difficult by holding this affair over my head. Does nobody have any forgiveness in their hearts for someone who made a horrible mistake? But somehow everyone thinks they have a right to judge and make your life even more painful. I have gone through enough torture without this added burden.What can I do so that I can move on and hold my head high again?
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female
reader, stressedandtired  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 You should grow thicker skin and move on. I'm involved with a married man now and I am judged but I do not care what anybody says. I know it is wrong so when I hear these things they only make me stronger. Don't wait for people to forgive you, forgive yourself and go on with your life. No one knows your true situation so they have no right to judge you. That's what's wrong with society, people pass judgement when they have no right to judge anyone. Nobody is perfect and everyone has skeletons in their closet. At least you deal with those skeletons and they're out in the open. They are cowards who cannot deal with what people may say about them. If your friends won't talk to you, guess what, they were never your friends to begin with and you don't need them. Real friends stick by your side when you need them. And no matter what you do, they'll still love you because they know your heart and who you are. You may be lonely right now but sooner or later these people will find something else to gossip about. I hope you can find a way to smile through this situation. You made a mistake just like everyone else does. People can sense weakness so forgive yourself and hold your head up high. You were not in this situation alone and it is not your fault.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): your husband broke your marriage vows long before you did, by abusing you. Why should he deserve a wife loyal to him, when he was abusing her? people are so quick to be judgmental and condemning because they can only see black and white, they see the word "affair" and all further thought processes stops. these 'friends' who ditched you and are gossipping about you behind your back, they are not friends. they didn't care to find out that you were being abused by your husband or offer you support for that, and they don't seem to mind that your affair partner is cheating on his wife. Their behavior towards is not coming from a place of love but maliciousness. did you deserve it? I won't say you deserve this because your marriage vows were already betrayed by your husband's abuse of you. the other man betrayed his marriage but no one in your circle seems to mind that.I agree with the poster who said you should quit your job so you can move on and don't get involved with a married guy again. and you should leave your abusive husband too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I disagree with the other commenter that your friends are "real friends" because they are now shunning you and gossipping about you behind your back and that you should be grateful for this. I mean, they're not doing the same to the other guy, just to you. So apparently they're not such morally upstanding people after all, are they?
If they were SO horrified to learn of your affair because they care about you and are wanting to hold you accountable so that you will be a better person (yet were not horrified that the other guy was equally involved) why oh why didn't any of them even try to start a conversation with you to share their concern? why instead do they gossip about you, spread rumors and shun you and treat you like you have some contagious disease? How is this being a good friend?
A real friend wouldn't keep you away with a ten-foot pole and gossip behind your back. If they have a problem with you, they are honest and take it to you first. They don't all gang up on you without telling you why. If they are concerned about you, they talk to you about their concern openly and honestly, not by playing games. If they disapprove of what you're doing, they tell you that but they still accept you as a friend if you didn't harm them personally.
Shunning and gossiping is not done out of concern for you or to help you become a better person or coming from a place of friendship. it's a reflection of their lack of caring because they are not seeking to understand your situation or trying to help you better yourself. Instead they're kicking you when you're down, for their entertainment. Or they are ostracizing you because they fear for their own marriages so it's all about them and their insecurities that got triggered by your mistake. I would say your 'Friends' have shown their true colors.
They treat you like you have some contagious disease without even bothering to talk with you and even try to understand you. This is not friendship. they did not know your story (abusive marriage and what abuse does to a person and how it messes a person's mind up) and weren't even interested to find out anything about you. So IMO they really are in no position to cast stones at you at all. It's so quick to cast judgment when, for example, you hear that someone robbed a bank or lied to get a promotion. But what if you then found out their child has cancer and they have depleted all their savings and desperately need the extra money for the child's medical treatment, would people then be so harsh on the person even though it still is unethical? Like I said, people who cast judgment on you without even being interested to try to understand your situation, are not friends.
And besides, their moral standards apparently only go one way. They let him off the hook so they're not such morally upstanding people after all.
So no I don't think your friends are true friends. And thus I don't think you should seek their approval or acceptance. I think you should quit your job, try to find a new job and go about putting your life back together without trying to make amends with these "friends", and just consider this upheaval and job loss a consequence of your mistake.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (16 September 2011):
Great answers from your other respondents! I do, however, have to take umbridge with this statement:You can't demand respect from people, it has to be earned.Part of earning respect is tied up in demanding it. I'm not talking about stomping your foot, and yelling if someone doesn't show you proper respect. I'm talking about not allowing people to treat you in ways that fail to honor your human dignity. For example, while I am trying to forgive my own wife, and we are working through our issues, I did let her know, on no uncertain terms, that this is not to be viewed as a sign that this sort of thing will be overlooked in the future. If there's so much as a kiss out of place ever again, it's over.Part of demanding respect from ones spouse is to not let them abuse you. If honest communication cannot put a stop to abusive behavior, or if personal safety is at risk, then the marriage needs to be ended. To be respected you have to behave respectably. Part of behaving respectably is not allowing yourself to be anyone's doormat. If people can walk all over you, and they see that they can get away with it, then they are going to do so.Part of recovering your own self dignity will be in learning how to be assertive enough in your own humanity that you can be both polite as well as firm. Dorothy said it quite well afterwards when she said: Don't let yourself be mistreated or taken for granted - by anyone.Accept only the best for yourself from life, and accept nothing less.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 September 2011):
Hi there. If you have an abusive husband, who also doesn't seem to be around much, well then perhaps the solution is to see if you could make things good between you or alternatively, make a decision as to whether you want to stay with him.
Because you have children, you don't have to stay with him if you don't believe you are truly happy with him. Or if you feel your marriage can't be salvedged.
Rather than stay in an unhappy situation, why not try to change it to make it better? No, not by having an affair, because that doesn't work - it only complicates things.
I'm talking about good communication between you.
The fact that you feel judged by your friends, is perhaps that they feel you might try and steal their husbands also. Who knows? At the very least, they would be wondering. And really, who could blame them for that?
It's a question of trust.
If it was one of them and you found out about it, you'd be wondering if they were going to have an affair with your husband, wouldn't you? Anyone would.
So I believe it's more a case of doubt towards you, than anything else, and their own personal security.
If you wish to remain friends with each of them, perhaps you could talk to them about it and be completely honest, so they can at least get an undersanding of where you are coming from. I'm not condoning what you did by saying this, you have to understand, because I realize the problems it can cause people.
It now really comes down to whether you want to continue your friendship with each of them. It's not necessary that you do. The choice is yours really, and no-one else's.
And the main thing, is to learn from the experience. Life really is the greatest teacher of all.
You can't demand respect from people, it has to be earned.
Respect begins with you respecting and totally accepting yourself for who you are. If you don't respect yourself, no-one else will either. You will then just feel like a perpetual victim.
Just be the person who you want to be, and be the best at who you are, and then you just can't go wrong.
Don't let yourself be mistreated or taken for granted - by anyone.
Accept only the best for yourself from life, and accept nothing less.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (16 September 2011):
Bear with me through the harsh beginning of what I have to say - it does have a happy ending, but it's going to be hard to get there."How do I hold my head up high again and deal with this mess?"You don't. Period. End of sentence. You behaved in a manner that displayed plainly that you are not to be respected or trusted. You hang your head in shame. Feeling judged? Good. You deserve the judgement of your peers.You thought they were your friends? THEY ARE!!! Friends aren't just there to chum around with and have a good time - they're there to help HOLD US ACCOUNTABLE to the principals and standards we expect of one another as decent, respectable human beings. You should be GRATEFUL that your friends love you enough to be disgusted by your behavior!If you want to "hold your head up high" again, then you need to make it plain to everyone around you that you have LEARNED from your mistakes! That you REGRET your decisions, and will NEVER stoop so low again. - You can't TELL anyone this and expect to have any credibility - you destroyed your own credibility. You need to display it through actions.Start by divorcing your abusive husband. If personal safety is a concern, get the cops involved, get the courts involved, but if you don't both DESERVE and DEMAND respect, you'll never HAVE respect. You will also need counseling. At least once a week, one on one with a qualified psychologist.Next, you need to discuss the situation privately with anyone you feel you need to remain close to, who has shunned or judged you. Let them know why you lied to your husband, your friends, and even to yourself. Let them now you are ashamed of your behavior, and ask them to forgive you for the deceptions you perpetrated.From now on, you need to be a scrupulously honest and principled person. You don't have to be mean or nasty about it. Certainly, do not point it out, and never act holier than thou, or better than anyone over it. However, let it be displayed, time and again, that when it comes time to make a decision, you are going to make the honest, upright, dependable, and honorable person. Begin BEHAVING WORTHY OF RESPECT and you will earn it back, one iota at a time.I have personal experience in this matter. I am not just talking out of my behind. My wife of 10 years, mother of my three children, and equal partner in our home run busisness had an affair. I can tell you also that I am neither abusive, nor inattentive. It "just happened" in her explanation - for apparently no particular reason. While I still have a very hard time with that sort of dead end circular reasoning, I have come to accept that I will likely never get a better answer - or at least not one that I feel satisfied with. Does anyone have any forgiveness? Certainly. We're still married, and working through our difficulties. The ordeal has been messy at times, almost always difficult, and she certainly felt very judged and looked down on for quite awhile. Interestingly enough, those 'friends' of hers who did not pass judgement on her behavior aren't around anymore. In my opinion, they weren't friends to begin with. Others let her know plainly to her face that she had behaved very poorly and that they were disappointed, angry, and / or disgusted. They weren't always so nice about it either. Two and a half years on, they're still her friends, and learning to trust her again, as am I. It's still difficult, and I often feel anxious, often suspicious, and often vacillate between extreme self loathing and extreme anger and disgust towards her. However, it gets a little better each day, and I am much more able to cope with my own issues that have resulted from her infidelity.The whole point to telling my part of the story here is that not only am I speaking from personal experience when I give you the harsh, but true words above - but also speaking from personal experience when I tell you that there is hope and a way forward. It's not an easy way, it will take constant work, vigilance, and effort on your part. You will have to suffer quite some more indignity and suspicion. You will have to fight tooth and nail, silently in your own head and heart, for years to come, but you CAN earn your self respect back, and you CAN earn the respect of your friends and peers back too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): Unfortunately, you are now the victim of of the cultural double standards towards women who cheat.It happens to famous people too. Notice how no one ever blames Brad Pitt for leaving his wife? It was all Angelina's fault. She was, and always will be "The Homewrecker" in the public eye. This is clearly ridiculous. She did not sign his divorce papers for him. He did. It was his choice.In the same fashion, you did not force this man to have an affair with you. He participated, and he did it willingly. These friends of yours are garbage, I am sorry to say. I dont care what sort of bad thing you've done--a true friend, while they may be hugely disappointed, will always be willing to hear you out, and give you a chance to explain. If they were really your friends, they would know your husband is abusive. They would understand that what you did was wrong, but also had a reason behind it. Shunning you and forgiving him is no sign of friendship.My advice is, find new friends. Friends who do not know about this affair, and cannot judge you for it. You made a mistake. You made the right choice and ended it. You're moving on. Find people to help you move on. I suggest googling support sites and forums based on this topic online. The internet has a niche for everything. I am sure there is a place where women are experiencing the exact same thing you are. You will meet someone going through your issues who can fully understand the predicament.
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