A
female
age
41-50,
*ceansdeep
writes:Will I ever feel good enough is the question. I am nearly 36 and to cut a long story short, I feel pretty worthless and not good enough and not accepted and worry about being judged and people realising this about me. I am fairly sure it stems from my parents never actually likng me. My mother was both physically and metally abusive and I rarely saw my father as he worked all the time. As I grew up they split up and my brother and I were left with my dad. Again we were always on our own, living in the countryside so we were isolated from the few friends we had. As a grown up, my mother doesn't talk to me at all now which is fine as when I think about her I feel like I have just eaten something nasty. My dad hasn't really bothered about me for 18 years, always favouring my brother, I have seen him a few times, but whilst we are always civil, he just doesn't seem to give a damn. I have a son who will be 16 soon and he is wonderful, I am grateful that my parents showed me how not to be a parent and I take heart in the fact that my son thinks the world of me. My brother and I were sooo close but he took his own life 4 years ago and my partner died two years ago and now I feel so alone, I have a few great friends and my son but I never get to see my friends as they live in different countries. I just want to try and feel worthy, I try and be strong for my son but I am hiding from life. I am too scared to even get a job as I think I'll be too stupid and get sacked, I know this sounds ridiculous at my age but it's how I genuinely feel. I feel scared of everything but most of all failing. I have a degree so that tells me I am not thick, on paper, but I don't beleve it or feel it, I buckle inside when under pressure but hide this very well. I have had counselling but found it to be useless, on 3 occasions, I didn't find it helpful at all, so what am I supposed to do, I want to live a happy life but just dont know how to start loving myself or feelng worthy or getting confident... Can anyone help?Thanks for reading...and replying, if you do.
View related questions:
different countries, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 You've survived suffering and abuse.
You've coped with living your life to this point.
Now you want more... that's good.
You now reach out looking for the light.
Yes, do that !
You have not given up !
You're seeking don't stop !
Little steps and a vision.
Don't set a goal, just set the vision.
Whatever that vision is, make is large, make it something that you never thought possible.
See it will slowly lead you to believing it, than doing it.
When you see the vision make it like a movie, add detail and than more detail.
If the vision changes let it change, this will be because you're adding new ideas, new dimensions.
It will take no effort but to think, and that's a good place to start for someone who feels weakened and lethargic.
It will change, you will change and in a month a year you'll look back and say wow, I'm in that place!
This may sound all ridiculous but do it anyway, it's all fun and wonderful and so easy to do. So easy that when the actual doing takes effect it will also seem effortless, it's life's secret, NO. It's your fact !
A
female
reader, Oceansdeep +, writes (3 March 2011):
Oceansdeep is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for the replies, I will take on board a lot of the advice given, however I really don't think therapy is the way to go. To one anonymous writer, I don't pity myself at all nor do I want pity. I don't sit around thinking that 'oh my parents didn't like me boohoo'...I have always got on with my life as best as I could and noone really knows how I feel as I don't sit around whining about it...hence I wrote on here. My feelings are really deep seated, no matter what I have done I can't seem to shake them off and they seem to rear there ugly head no matter how good things may be going and they tend to spoil things for me...this is what I need to work on, and for 99% of you, you have given me some great ideas which I will follow through with.Thanks again for the replies. xx
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark_25_ +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I'll quickly emphasise what other people have said. You really are an amazing person, so many people would have gone off the rails and hid behind the fact that you had a bad start to life, but you didn't. You chose not to be like your parents and you are a truly inspirational person. The only thing at the moment is that you've lost your way and I completely understand the hole that you find yourself in. I can't compare myself to you, but I have over the last few months had a fairly horrible time with anxieties, feeling lost and without purpose.I know you don't feel like doing anything at all and you want to hide away, but that isn't going to get you out of this hole. You will have to put some effort in, but it's all easy things to do which make you feel better and more positive. (I do understand that everything, however small, seems massive though).These are all things that have worked for me:Do excercise, running is the best way - go somewhere that you like and go for a run. For me running in the country really helps. It's amazing how much it clears your head, and the physical process of running releases positive hormones. Even after just one run outside in the sun you feel better. But it's something you need to keep doing, I was told to aim for 30 mins excercise a day. Also try doing weights, as well as physically, they mentally make you stronger and when you feel stronger you feel more confident.This might sound a bit silly, but keep a diary, write down everything your feeling, completely open up and write it all down. Say what you've been doing, what triggers more anxiety etc. Again, I've started keeping a diary in the last month, and when I write how I'm feeling in it, what I've done, it helps take the pressure off my mind. Now I obviously don't know what your interests etc are. But, if you like sport, i.e. football, badminton etc. go and join a club, I know that will seem like a massive step and something very hard to do, but trust me, it really will help you out of this hole. If you started playing football for a sunday league team, not only is it physical exercise, but your meeting people, socialising, making friends.I know that there is nothing worse than feeling like your alone in this, but your not. I'd also recommend going to the doctors, I know stereotypically they're not someone you would go to for this, but they are very good at giving advice and giving ideas on what to do to help yourself. What would you ideally like to do as a job? And what's your degree in? I haven't checked this person out for myself yet, and you might be sceptical at self help tapes, but apparently "Tony Robbins" is very good at helping you understand yourself and what you want to do. You can honestly get out of this, I know it doesn't feel like it but you can.Feel free to mail me if you want.I hope I've helped :)
...............................
A
female
reader, yomama65  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 Aw, honey, my heart aches for you. Perhaps you just didn't find the "right" therapist. I have been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life, and sometimes you find a therapist who isn't the right fit for you. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years and only recently went off meds altogether. For me, staying active and doing things I love to do have kept me happy and sane. I am involved in community theatre and it is my creative outlet which keeps me young and makes me feel good. Find something you love to do and just DO it! Best of luck to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Ok, a slightly different answer from me -
Your post made me feel quite angry, partly because I identify and partly because (and I'm sorry but this may sound harsh) because it reeked of self-pity.
The way I see it,everyone has a choice. You had a bad childhood? Ok, that sucks but what sucks even more is how you are still letting it affect you! How about shrugging all that shitty low self esteemm off once and for all, after all, it was your parents' beliefs that you weren't worthy, not yours?!
Now is the time to create a new you, think, what are my true believes? I bet you will realise that your beliefs are in contrast to your parents'.
Ultimately you can sit around and wait for someone else to take responsibilty for your life or you can get up, dust yourself down and get on with it.
Read a book on Exitentialism, that's interesting. Maybe do some voluntary work with people who have got bigger problems than you. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): i had a self confidence problem too once, in primary school, i had to movve and join a new one due to bullying. i didn't speak to anyone and,although polite to teachers, i didn't really get involved in anything, refused to, all i did was read. basically, i was a wreck, panick attacks and all. but i made some good, kind freinds who sensed my vulnrability and stood up for me, they looked out for me and eventually coaxed me out of my shell. looking at me now you wouldn't believe i was that person, i'm loud and active. so, a change in scenary and throwing yourself in the deep end acctually really helps! try going on one of those singels holidays or something? the best therapy is freindship, i'm now the basic personal therapist to my freinds, but i truly think that is you throw yourself into it, you'll start to enjoy yourself! :) hope this helps x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Well, it sounds as though the tiniest flicker of flame is inside you, else why would you write this? You already know the problem... and that's the beginning of finding the solution.
Perhaps the others are right -- perhaps you will need professional help, but then again if that hasn't helped then you have to sort this yourself.
Firstly, ask yourself what you're scared of, and why. What does it matter if you don't succeed at a new job? Or another one, or ten more? So what?! It sounds as thought you're at rock bottom, so you can only go up. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Always ask yourself what is the actual worst that can happen... and it's never that bad.
Perhaps this is coming to the front of your mind now because your son is getting older, and close to adulthood -- what then? Do you feel as though your purpose or direction are coming to an end? Your role as a great mother will last forever... but your son growing up also gives you a lifetime of new opportunities. Maybe that scares you.
One thing is sure: only you can start to love yourself. Examine yourself and ask what it is you don't like. Then change it. If you don't think you can change, or can't sort these things out for yourself, then make up a character -- a strong, film-star heroine perhaps -- and ask yourself what she would do... then do it! It's much easier to sort out other people's problems, so make up another person and go for it.
Good luck!
p.s. if your folks don't like you, then stuff them! Their loss. My own mother, 70, is treated terribly by my grandmother. Don't go through life feeling bad about them. Move on, and don't let it reflect badly on you. As you have demonstrated, a child is important and should be cherished. You are their child, and they should cherish you.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (2 March 2011):
 Honey, you sound like a rock! You are a survivor! You could have been just like your parents; you chose a different path. YOU broke the mould. You have a degree and a son who loves you; sounds like a winner to me!
Therapy could help you feel better; you might not have had the right 'fit' with your last therapist. You have to shop around a bit and find someone that you are comfortable with if you want to try it again.
You might find reading these two books helpful; "Bad Childhood, Good Life" and "Stop Whining, Start Living" - both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She DOES speak bluntly and has a good deal of common sense, not necessarily everyones cup of tea but you might like her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): At least you know you're not ACTUALLY stupid. The only reason you feel it at times, is because of your extreme low self esteem, you have no confidence in yourself what so ever. You need to tell yourself you're NOT stupid, you're NOT an idiot, because you aren't.
You know what helps? Writing a journal ever day, whether it's in your emails/computer, or on paper, I, personally always feel better when I allow myself to let my feeling out in black & white - Which I have been doing for years. This is what people go to therapists for, to pour their feelings out to someone, well you should try it to yourself.
Also, read them back in a few months and see how you you actually were back then, and you'll never want to go back on that level again, trust me.
You just need to throw yourself out there again, take up a new hobby, do something you'd never normally do, read more, learn a different language, take up pottery, anything! It'll just build up your confidence and it'll help you make more friends. Never stay in the house for too long, that'll drive you mad. Wake up in the morning feeling happy to be alive, as you only get one life, not waking up grumpy and seeing everything you do as a chore.
Some people feel better when they change their appearance, like myself. Change your hair style/clothes, get your nails done, have a facial & treat yourself!
Also in the meantime, I think you really should seek another counselor, a good one. If you follow all these steps, in a couple of months you'll start actually enjoying life, and feel yourself again.
...............................
A
female
reader, koojoe +, writes (2 March 2011):
Hi,
You have a very sad story and I feel sad for you when I read all you have been through.
Life has not often been easy for me. A difficult childhood including abuse led to my own self-esteem problems and fear intimacy as i entered adulthood.
I cannot advise you, only share what helped for me and you can choose whether you try to apply any of these methods to your life.
I am 32, have a full time job, my own small home, debt and a lovely partner. I am a happy person now, but my happiness did not come about by wishing it to or by the words and deeds of others.
For me to change, I had to choose to first in my mind and then to every day tasks. You see, positive emotions like happiness and love come from within each of us. Some people can access these feelings easier than others. FOr me, it took a decade of very hard introspection, acceptance of my flaws and learning about self awareness. Identifying what I needed to change within me so I could be happy was HARDER to do than actually make the said changes.
When I became aware that I was responsible for my happiness, my own emotional well being, I made huge efforts everyday to implement changes. I started off by every night before going to sleep keeping a journal and writing down two things that had happened that day i had either achieved or that made me happy. I still do this today!
Whenever I felt pangs of low self-esteem, such as feeling sadness when my partner is away on business or envy that he is somewhere fun I stopped and really thought about WHY these feelings were present...I really explored them by either writing them down or talking to myself out loud (if home alone).
I also read. Books about Psychology and Philosophy. I still do. It is a continuing education.
Most importantly, the things I have learnt have because part and parcel of my everyday life now. I have become an optimist. If I have a bad day (as we all do), I know it's not the end of the world. If I forget to do a chore or call someone back, it's ok. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will be better.
I am doing a Counselling degree myself, part time at a local college. WHat I have learnt (and I have never taken myself to counselling, would cost me a fortune!!) is there are many, many methods and therapies. Check out a very well know guy called ALbert Ellis. He works on a basis that our past bears nor relevance to our emotional state today...unless we let it. Thank goodness for that, otherwise my past would dictate that today I should be an emotional cripple.
Feel free to mail me if you have any questions.x
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I recommend you keep looking for a therapist who can actually help you. You have some really deep seated anxieties and also sound very depressed. I doubt you can fix this without some professional help but I do think you can overcome all this and start enjoying your life again if you get some guidance. Just don't give up looking for the help and best wishes for your recovery.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): You have a lot of issues and your self esteem is on the floor. But you want to be happy, so at least you are looking in the right direction. Having a job would help and you know, everyone is nervous and worried going into a new situation. We all fear failure to some extent. But if you don't take that risk you will never move forward. Don't make the mistake of thinking everyone is confidently getting on in life, most people have ongoing problems but they weigh the good with the bad. Try some voluntary work to get you going. There are all sorts of types that you could be involved with and many are crying out for help. Sometimes having to much time to think means you turn in on yourself. Try not to let your insecurities hold you back - the only way to improve your life is to take a chance.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): **I am grateful that my parents showed me how not to be a parent**
From what I have read in your question, your parents didn't show you how to be a great parent at all, YOU have done that, YOU have raised a son who loves you.
Plus you have a degree, so like you say you are no thick. You have to stop thinking you are, because you will feel what you think you have to change you line of thought.
What is you feel you have failed at?
...............................
|
