A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 8 wks pregnant and have an 11 month old baby girl already. My morn after pill totally failed me hence me falling pregnant and the condom we used broke. I am trying to be happy about this new pregnancy and I am - its just my partner is wrecking my head. We are living together and its like as if we moved in with each other too prematurely. This is his first baby..and its my third as my first one died shortly after birth. I nearly miscarried this new baby suddenly three days ago and was a bit rattled by it all. Went to the hospital but they told me thankfully everything is fine with this new baby. Because things are not really working well between us, I nearly broke up with him last night. He started to my amazement, mudslinging snide remarks at me. He said you are too afraid to let someone love you..I said I am not..jesus. I told him instantly I felt so disrespected by him. I have had much better then this before any of this ever happened. I told him he didn't make me feel special or wanted enough and that was an issue for me. I said he was great in the kitchen helping out and stuff but other then that...barely ever cuddles me. At night-time he rolls over and starts snoring. My 11 month old also hates him and its bugging me. Because he is not her biological father, I get paranoid. I get creeped out when he is around her instead of being happy about the extra support but that is just cos she hates him so I never leave her with him and never let him look after her when I am in work. I feel trapped to be with him cos of this baby inside of me. I would rather not be with someone my 11 month old hates too. I am hoping its just a phase she is going through and will grow out of it to give him a chance. She was sick with two ear infections and a tummy bug but she is now feeling better but is still not great with him. She threw up all over him..He has been good towards her but I guess I am not used to having him living in my place although I keep trying to be ok about it. I feel my patience is shot. He doesn't know how pregnancy can be really hard on the woman so I got him to read a book called What to expect when she is expecting. He has got to chapter 3 at least...I also can't have sex with him either which is making me depressed. I got a UTI just like that from pregnancy and was put on Amoxycillin which totally disagreed with me - got thrush from it so had to treat myself and my partner.. so my GP gave me an alternative medicine which I am taking now to clear it up and although this one is working - its made me completely miserable. I would like to save my relationship with him but not sure how since all this happening right now and causing a strain between us. We end up not communicating and stonewalling each other then :( any advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): I agree that you need to look at why you are creeped out by having someone around your daughter. But it is important to give him the benefit of the doubt if he is simply trying to be supportive. I'm going to have a stab and this and say that he is more comfortable going at a different pace and more comfortable with intimacy than you are.
It sounds as if it is all out of whack and balance for you to be living together so soon and suddenly you are pregnant and it's all overwhelming and you are wondering if it is going to work out.
By saying that he is not your daughters biological father you obviously have some regrets or concerns about not having one partner that has fathered all your children.
Perhaps you should take a few days for yourself at a friends or a nice motel if you can afford it and re-assure your partner that you are taking some well deserved time and a small holiday.
This should give you a fresh perspective on things.
A child not liking someone doesn't mean the adult is an abuser but you do need to take your feelings very seriously and work them out.
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (2 March 2011):
Hi OP
I am sorry you are feeling so low at the moment, and you clearly have a lot to deal with.
Having read all of your post one thing jumped out at me- that is, you live with this guy but you don't trust him enough to look after your daughter when you are at work, and that you are "creeped out" when he is around her. If this is the case, I have to ask you why on earth are you living with him in the first place? I am confused as to why you are in this position when you feel so negatively towards this guy. Surely your daughter is your first priority? You say that she hates this guy. To be honest I'm sure that could be overcome considering how young she is, but if even you don't trust him then that is never going to happen.
I think you need to prioritise your daughter first. It isn't fair to her or your bf. Has he actually done anything for you not to trust him? Or is it simply because he isn't the father, as you said? This leads me back to asking why you are neverthelss prepared to live with him if that is the case.
You are not trapped by this new baby in any way. You just need to make a decision about what you want and act on it.
I have to say that your bf doesn't sound like a bad person, but perhaps not very perceptive as to what it is like to be pregnant. You say he was mudslinging but you don't say what about. You also say that he has been good towards your daughter, and is good around the house. What does he do for a living? From what you have written I am finding it hard to think of good advice because in general it sounds to me like the problem is that you are not happy with him being in your place. Therefore the advice is to ask him to move out. I cannot really think of much else other than that, because the problem, at least from your post, seems to stem from the fact that you don't like him being around, and he isn't very affectionate. You have given him a book about pregnancy, but that won't affect what you refer to you being paranoid.
If you don't like him being around your daughter ask him to move out. Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel? I am sure he won't want to hear it but if you are this unhappy then you need to be honest with him.
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